PRETEND PLAY IS BORING! How to Set Boundaries with Your Child Around Play (2020)

0:00 hi hello and welcome back to my channel if you are new here i am dr jasmine over at themompsycolleges.com and today or this week actually is the play challenge we were we are focusing on all things play so i will be sharing content about play over on instagram so be sure to follow me at the mom psychologist if you're not already i'm also doing a free email play challenge so you can sign up the link is in the description

0:30 if you want to sign up for daily play tips straight to your inbox but i um went over on my instagram today and asked you guys to share with me some of your main challenges when it comes to play and by far what i heard from most was okay dr jasmine i hate pretend play it is so boring what do i do i feel so guilty so i'm gonna be talking about that today i'm also gonna be sharing um some tips

0:53 on establishing boundaries around play because a lot of you guys were like okay play turns into hours and hours and i don't enjoy it and it's hard to deal with the meltdowns that happen when i try to draw boundaries so that's what we're gonna get into today's video give me a thumbs up if you're excited and let's just get on into it okay so what is play i mean there's so many different different definitions out there if you

1:19 type in you know what is play on the internet but really what i think it is is it's of course fun and pleasurable by all means it's also intrinsically motivated meaning um we as adults and children don't need to be rewarded in any way to find play fun and motivating it's also process oriented right where we're more engaged in the overall process of play rather than the end result and of course it is engaging and usually

1:51 not literal okay so around 18 to 24 months is when children start to engage in pretend play and then by ages three and four they have taken off with pretend play so it tends to be more elaborative um more collaborative meaning that they want to invite other people to join them on the pretend play whether that's other little ones their siblings or of course you and so by you know age three and four is when i hear a lot of

2:23 parents start to um say they they don't enjoy pretend play right and i first want to start off by saying that this is completely normal okay if you are struggling with getting into pretend play if you feel like it's boring if you feel like it's super repetitive if you're starting to feel resentful because all you can think about is your endless to-do list and all of the things on your plate then just please know that you're one

2:49 you're not alone and that that your feelings are completely normal and valid um and so i want to start off by saying that but i also want to spend a lot of time talking about what our role is during play because i think that can keep us a little stuck and make us feel burnt out or stressed when we're playing with our child right because here's the thing if we're trying to play for with our child if we're

3:14 trying to entertain them um during play then we're not really going to enjoy it right we're going to feel like a lot of this is our work and i what i want you guys what i want to invite you guys to do is to take a step back more and really focus on the fact that play is your child's work okay it is super important for them to be able to take the lead and take ownership over their play so

3:42 more and more if we can follow their lead and not entertain them one the more they're going to enjoy it right and the less power struggles are going to ensue because they feel like you're trying to take over um or create a learning lesson or correct them in any way and also it's going to liberate you it's going to empower you to to feel like you don't have to entertain them right um so please know that when your child

4:10 even if they're engaging in pretend play what i want you to do is observe more and speak less so give yourself permission to stay silent and just observe right and what you can do is start to make comments about what you're noticing that they're doing this is really helpful in helping you stay mindful because i know a lot of the times during pretend play it's boring it's repetitive and you start just daydreaming about what you got to

4:36 do or whatever right fantasizing about how you're going to get out of this situation so if you focus more on just noting what you are seeing in the moment without being too overbearing right you don't be careful not to talk too much but here and there you know you're going to stay silent you're going to observe and then here and there you're gonna make comments like oh okay you're putting teddy bear in the bed it's time for sleep oh okay it's time to

5:03 eat he teddy bear is eating an ice cream cone or whatever it is right um just make a couple of statements of what you're observing this is going to help you stay mindful of what's going on in the play and it's also going to help your child stay mindful they're more likely going to concentrate on what they're doing if you narrate that experience for them so that is my number one thing is know your role which your role during play is to

5:29 follow their lead and then just make comments here and there but invite yourself to stay silent give yourself permission to just stay silent and just observe what is happening the other thing i want to say when it comes to play is to avoid playing with your child if you're really not feeling it if you're feeling stressed if you're feeling overwhelmed if you're feeling burdened by play your child is going to sense that they're going to know

5:56 inherently that you don't want to play with them that your mind is elsewhere and that is really going to actually have a negative effect in the relationship right so if our goal is to foster connection and help with those negative behaviors like the tantrums and clinginess and defiance and aggression well actually when you play with your child when you're really not feeling it you're actually going against all your goals so i want to give you permission

6:24 to hold off on play until you're actually present you're actually interested in doing it um and you're you know you want to inherently do it so i get so many questions about well dr jasmine how much time should i be playing with my child every day there's actually no hard fast rule when it comes to the amount of time you should be playing with your child but research is very clear that quality over quantity matters right

6:50 that it's more about the quality of the play the quality of the interactions and the connections that you're making throughout the day that matter the most um so that's what i would focus on is giving your child even if it's just five to ten minutes and i don't want to say just five to ten minutes like that's not enough because research shows again that that is enough to promote positive part child relationships but so be giving

7:15 yourself permission to say okay five to ten minutes is enough and i'm going to focus on giving my child quality um connection and experience during that five to ten minutes versus trying to stretch yourself to an hour of play when you really don't enjoy it right when you really want to put up that boundary but you feel like you shouldn't because you should be playing with your child all day and that's just not the case and that brings

7:40 me to drawing boundaries around play so many of you expressed um concern and a challenge around feeling like you're playing with your child too much and it just gets to be too much and then they start tantruming because you're trying to put a boundary so here's what i suggest i suggest that you um think about when it works for you to play right and work and play around your routine right so just like you have times of the day where you eat

8:10 where you go to sleep even when you watch tablet time that might be on a routine i encourage you to find times in the day where you can fit play time into the routine and so maybe i mean it depends on your schedule but maybe you can fit a little chunk of play time into the morning maybe after breakfast or whatever um and then in the afternoon or before bedtime another chunk of time if you can only do

8:36 one chunk of time during the day that's perfectly fine too but what i but what i want to stress is the importance of building in a routine around play time there's so many benefits to this but the major two benefits is that one you know when you uh need to play with your child right and ideally it's a time that works for you right so you're more likely to enjoy play when you've kind of knocked down

9:02 a couple things off your to-do list and you don't feel overwhelmed so ideally you can work it in around a schedule that works for you and then two most importantly is that your child comes to expect this play time right so there's less meltdowns less tension less stress around play time ending because they know okay well this is an everyday thing mom's going to play with me again um at bedtime or dad's going to do this

9:28 first thing in the morning so i don't need to stress because i know what's happening again routines help children feel less stressed because they feel like they can predict their environment and that helps keep them safer and helps foster a sense of safety so build play into your routine and i even suggest calling it a certain name right is it your special play time or i don't know jayden and mom's special play times they get a fun name

9:59 so that you know they know okay during this time i get mom or dad or whoever all to myself and i get to choose whatever activity i want to do and they're just going to spend time with me it's going to be quality time and we're just going to have a blast so when it comes to play time try to try to follow their lead do any activity that they want to do so it doesn't have to be

10:23 pretend play but of course if that's what they want to do then you're like okay we're going to do that for this amount of time and that's why too having it part of your routine and then put building some parameters around it right so it's not just a never-ending hour two hours three hours all day the play time it's okay it's for 10 15 minutes i mean you decide the amount of time that works for you

10:45 and then you give yourself permission to end the play time right so there's parameters around it so right before play time is going to end you can give them a heads up a warning that play time is going to end okay in a couple minutes mommy or daddy or whoever i'm gonna have to get ready for dinner or i'm gonna have to do x y and z um you can give them the choice to continue playing

11:09 um or if if possible or they can transition to another activity but of course give them a heads up before playtime is going to end and then wrap up and let them know when they can expect play time again now if they ask you throughout the day oh mommy or daddy can you play with me um you can if you think okay you know what now is a good time i'm i'm ready i'm in a good mood i'm

11:34 ready to play then of course you can decide to play with them but if it's not a good time then you give them a conditional yes meaning okay you can say something like oh my gosh yes you really want to play with me i wish that i could play with you too right now um and you know you let them know what you're doing or why you can't play and then give them that time when they

11:54 can expect it right so let's make a plan to play to do our special time um right before bedtime or what whenever right so give that conditional yes meaning that you're telling them we can't do that right now even though i would love to do that right be positive about this be reassuring um and then let them know what time that they can expect to play with you again the other thing that is so crucial about

12:17 this process is fostering independent playtime independent play is a crucial skill for your little one to develop and it starts during infancy and slowly progresses as they get older so where they can spend more and more time playing independently so you want to check my video about how to promote independent play i go through a step-by-step process on how to gradually promote more and more independent play time with your little one so be sure to check out that video

12:47 because that is something you should definitely be simultaneously working on if your child is constantly asking to play with you because it really is an important part of their development to be able to play on their own again be sure to sign up for my free email play challenge where i will be sending you free play tips straight to your inbox the link is in the description of course subscribe to my channel if you haven't already

13:14 and hit that thumbs up button if you enjoyed this video i'll see you back in the next one bye