# What’s the Best Way To Handle Shared Parenting? | Ep. 63 **Creator:** Connected Families **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 44m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ ## Summary In this episode of the Connected Families podcast, host Stacy Bard and co-founder Lynn Jackson continue their discussion on parenting as a single mom, featuring insights from two single mothers, Wendy and Dawn. They explore the challenges single moms face, the importance of emotional security for children, and practical strategies for maintaining connection, joy, and discipline within the family. - Single moms often experience heightened stress and need to prioritize emotional security for their children through intentional connection and communication. - Wendy emphasizes the importance of consistency in affirmations and family songs to build a sense of identity and security in her kids. - Dawn highlights the significance of observing children's emotional states and providing space for them to express their feelings. - Both moms stress the value of planned fun activities to foster joy and connection, adapting these as their children grow. - Effective co-parenting requires grace and understanding of differing parenting styles, with an emphasis on allowing children to express their needs during transitions. - Teaching children to identify and articulate their emotions is crucial for their emotional development, especially during challenging times. - Self-care for single parents is essential, as it enables them to respond empathetically to their children's behavior and emotional needs. - Both mothers encourage single parents to recognize their unique strengths and the importance of their role in their children's lives, reinforcing that they are equipped to guide their kids through challenges. ## Transcript [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=0s) [Music] hey friends welcome to the connected families podcast I'm so glad you joined us today I'm Stacy Bard your host today's podcast is for you single mom we see you we know that being a single mom can be overwhelming and just exhausting well today is part two of this conversation Lynn Jackson co-founder of connected families interviewed two single moms she talked with these precious ladies about their unique [[0:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=30s) parenting struggles and how the connected family's framework for parenting has guided them in their parenting Journey so hi Lynn Jackson how are you so good to be here yeah these single moms were just like they were inspiring to me and I think there's if you're not a single mom there'll be so much Rich stuff that you'll get out of this podcast as well but they will be addressing some of those challenges that are just a little more heightened for [[0:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=57s) single moms than for other folks so I think everybody knows a single Momin so we hope that people pass this on also both part one and part two that we're starting today well why don't you introduce us to the two moms that you talk to and then we'll set up what we're going to do today right one of our single moms is Wendy who has Middle School through low Elementary age kids and she's been a single mom for seven [[1:23]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=83s) years and the other is Dawn who has mostly teenagers and she is fairly new at the single mom thing just since last December so they bring very different perspectives and I think there'll be something for everybody to relate to and then I've also got glean some wisdom from Christine who is a single moms group leader at a large Church in the area Grace Church of Eden Prairie awesome lots of different perspectives in part one we started with the first [[1:52]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=112s) layer of the connected families framework which is the foundation and you had talked with them in your interview by going through the four layers and so in today's episode part two we want to go through the last three layers of the framework so we want to go through connect which is just really how single parents can keep connection and joy alive and then Coach we want to coach them well so that they have the faith and the skills they need to handle [[2:21]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=141s) their reality and then correct how to respond when stress comes out in misbehavior so we're going to go into that today in the interviews that you had with them and I started with keeping connection and joy and emotional security alive as well that's part of connection and so I just asked the moms how did you meet your kids' needs for emotional security and we're going to hear first from Don she's got some great things to say making sure that I spend [[2:51]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=171s) time with each one of them if I can see that one of them was really struggling I'll just say you know hey you know let's play a game what game do you want to play or do you want to go on a walk with me so they feel connected to me and and my kids are all old enough to the point where they'll easily talk too so I'll sit down and say hey I noticed something this week and can you tell me [[3:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=189s) what you were feeling about that so I think it's just checking in with them making sure that that they know that I'm observing that I'm observing them and that I noticed if something wasn't right if they were off some kids will be very loud about it like something things off and you're going to know but sometimes and I have all range of that but sometimes some kids will go under the radar and like something's wrong and I'm [[3:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=212s) just going to pretend it's okay CU I don't want to talk about it so I I think it's just observing my kids and them knowing that I'm gonna check in with them and I'm gonna say hey I noticed this Lynn that's so fantastic I love I love love love that she was asking questions she was noticing she was calm and then just in a moment where she probably noticed her child was extra receptive to having a [[3:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=238s) conversation with her she said hey I noticed something's going on with you can you tell me how you're feeling about that fantastic yeah and it's so much better than boy you've seem really anxious this week what's what's going on with you you know it's all in tone of voice light-heartedness and yes thoughtful no hey grumpy pants yeah exactly really Wendy also had some really profound things to say about emotional security so we'll hear from her meeting my kids needs for emotional [[4:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=269s) sec security was a tough one to navigate and I think it's hard to know what they need and a lot of times they can't voice what they need so there's a little bit of trial and error trying to figure that out for me I know what worked for myself was like the consistency of a few phrases that I could say over and over and over again so I actually did for them what I did for myself I would say a [[4:53]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=293s) few phrases over and over again every night every morning we still do it now 7 years later and then we even have a couple songs which I know might sound really silly but we're pretty musical family so we have a couple songs that I would say like family defining songs that like when it even today when it comes on the radio they're they're like this is their song like this is and and I love that but those songs were really [[5:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=318s) intentional about like what I chose and one of them actually is a song called singing over me and it's about God singing over us with joy and with blessings and I would say something to that as a blessing to them when they go to bed every night like God rejoices in you he sings over you with gladness no matter what happened today you are loved and you are cherished and you are known and you are wanted and you are safe I [[5:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=346s) love that I actually did for them what I did for myself and if you missed episode one go back because that's where Wendy talks about her process of hanging on to God's grace and truth for herself but this is where she passes it on to her kids I would say say a few phrases over and over again every night and every morning do you hear the repetition of that repetition for seven years about building a Godly identity in her kids [[6:12]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=372s) yeah and even having a defining song oh my gosh I haven't even known a family to do that I love that that was just so profound and she was so intentional like what song do I want it to be that's really powerful I remember a couple of years ago probably a podcast that we did I interviewed a single mom too and she was able to take the work that she had done internally you know what's going on [[6:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=398s) in me and the safety that she had been able to find in Jesus and passed it on to her son who had started to wet the bed again and had started to have night tears and just need her as he was trying to fall asleep at night and I can remember her saying the one of the first things that she did as she was applying this was made a sign and put it up on his wall you are safe with me so that [[7:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=423s) was her story of passing on the safety she had received to her children oh that's beautiful another challenge with single moms if they feel greater stress than a two- parent home is just the challenge of keeping laughter and joy part of your family in tough times and Don just had a simple observation about what has worked for her just choosing to put aside whatever seems so pressing in my head and allowing myself to experience the joy of something that [[7:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=453s) they're enjoying that's been really helpful and Wendy had a different perspective Wendy's a planner and she had some great suggestions as well laughter and joy can be hard to come by when you're walking through some pretty difficult days so there were times I really had to work for it and then there were times that that it came easily and I think I was so unbelievably grateful for those moments when it did but I think funny enough like joy and laughter [[8:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=482s) there's actually a practice to it and in those early days when the kids would come home from school I would completely prepare for what would be called Planned fun if you will it wasn't like a a natural come together I was really excited about it but I would be like we all need to connect we all need to laugh and we all need to have fun so I would come up with some sort of prescribed fun [[8:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=507s) whether it was going to be a walk through the neighborhood a little quick trir Queen for kids cones could be a board game it could be a game of tag in the backyard it could be playing in the newly falling snow let's put on our rain boots and hop and puddles it could be any number of those things but it was something that was planned to do together that had at least a high probability of it being like fun [[8:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=534s) exciting new different and bringing out something in us that wasn't like anything we did that day and I found that planning for that every day wasn't always successful 100% to be honest but it was definitely always an effort and then I found that planning for it every day created a practice of it happening and then as the kids got a little bit older I would ask them like what are we going to do that's fun what sounds fun [[9:20]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=560s) to you what could we plan and then even just this week with my kids again like we've been doing this for years now but now that they're older I had us a list I was like what sounds fun and like at your age what sounds fun and I really wanted to know so we made this list and I was totally surprised and Amazed by what they came up with but I find every single one of them has a Common Thread [[9:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=583s) and it's being together and doing the same thing and it doesn't have to be a lot of time Lynn she was so intentional over the years with her kids and I even loved to hear the progression of it starting with just jumping in water puddles to when teenagers I have teenagers as many people know figuring out what's fun for our teenagers can be hard so she did so amazing and there's just such important messages that kids [[10:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=613s) get you know when you join them in spontaneous fun you know it's like whatever I'm doing it's not as important as you I'm not so committed to my agenda that I can't spontaneously have fun and then the planned fund that she did planned it every single day what commitment that she had but what message does that communicate I care enough to be intentional intentional to connect with you so this might sound just like I'm a single overwhelmed mom so come on [[10:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=643s) don't give me one more thing to do because being a single mom is exhausting but what we'd say to you is just recognize the value of anything you're doing to connect and to have fun whether it's jumping into some fun that your kids are already in middle of that's you know it doesn't have to be planned or getting serious about planning or just planning a little fun thing once a week whatever you do recognize the value of [[11:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=669s) it and the important messages that communicates and even celebrate yourself a little bit and go hey I kind of plan something fun for us and you know maybe it didn't go perfect but I'm glad I did it and I'll try something next time and you know I just want to have fun with you kids so whatever little effort you put into it celebrate it celebrate with your kids and don't worry if if you know jumping in puddles is a bomb that day so [[11:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=694s) that's good I love that and I love that that you suggested to say that out loud CU even that is communicating to them I was working to be intentional and I'm okay if it wasn't 100% successful today it was 70 and I can celebrate that exactly Christine Erikson The Single Moms Ministry leader gave some insight into this issue as well and she said one of the issues we sometimes see is that moms will do something extravagant or [[12:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=720s) expensive for their kids that they really can't afford almost like they feel like they have to like they're overcompensating but the moms who do well just give attention to their kids they take time with them they go on outings with them nothing extravagant and I think this is a really important point about connecting with kids that can be so brief just quick little fun things the importance of delighted eye contact even for just a few seconds it [[12:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=747s) can't be understated it's really important you know even doing something that's sort of like peekaboo with turning off the lights so they can't see you and they're turning them back on while you're looking right at them or popping out from behind something or just delighted eye contact for such a few seconds and just making sure you do that multiple times per day that can be a GameChanger and in our show notes we'll have the link to a tip about [[12:52]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=772s) preventing misbehavior through Joy filled quick Connection in 30 seconds or less so look for that link I love that I I want to transition now to the next subject that you talked about with these parents and that is shared parenting this is a hard one it is and so we talked to Wendy and Don about how they connect with their kids through difficult transitions between caregivers here's what Wendy said connecting with kids through the transitions of [[13:22]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=802s) caregivers requires a ton of Grace for yourself and for them I constantly let them set the tone and for me I start when they come into the house I don't go to the door and try to smother them as they come into the house no matter how excited I am to see them but I step back a little bit and I tell them hi and I greet them what do you need help with do you bags do you have anything you need [[13:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=826s) help with I let them come into the room and then I let them you know adjust a little bit say a couple things if it's quiet I might say did how are you feeling did you have fun and start a conversation based on what I'm hearing but I have very very low expectations I have one kid who wants to go spend a little time by themselves in the room and I completely allow that and I don't [[14:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=849s) interrupt and then he will come find me and then we will talk like one-onone real quiet I have another kid who wants to immediately go outside and play and just get some energy out no matter what and then I have another kid who immediately comes in the house and wants to snuggle so they're all three just completely different from what they need and I think the biggest gift we can give our kids is to give them exactly what [[14:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=870s) they need and not to hover or even suffocate or any number of those things but to trust that they know exactly what they need in that moment if we give them the space for that my experience has consistently been that they will seek us out on their own time but we shouldn't necessarily do the seeking wow Wendy's response really shows such a depth of confidence that she has that she doesn't need to go in anxious ly try to you know [[15:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=900s) find out all the information about how it was over at Dad's house and how did it go and how they're feeling but she was just peaceful and allowing them to do whatever they needed to transition into the home she really was so attuned to each one of their needs yeah for sure you know just because she's relaxed about that and she's not diving into what happened how did it go doesn't mean that you know she wasn't on the lookout [[15:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=926s) for any abuse or anything like that and and certainly that's really important to get at a later time if kids are relaxed and you're sensing something really is not right at the other home to talk about that in a relaxed way maybe get some outside help we certainly have to be aware of the possibility of of abuse outside of our home but not to be anxious when the kids walk through the door but to be prayerful get the support [[15:50]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=950s) you need and then deal with that wisely it's an important Point well another challenge that single parents face with co-parenting is the diff difficulties with different styles of connection so for example a co-parent that bought kids' affection through leniency or excessive giftgiving and we asked both these ladies how they dealt with that Wendy goes first I approach that similar to how I approach some other really challenging conversations because number one I don't want to just tell my kids [[16:22]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=982s) what to think I really want them to learn and gain that wisdom on their own so again like I approach it as a coach machine conversation a lot of ways so if a conversation where a kid comes back and they're said hey I got the brand new iPhone 12 this weekend because I asked for it and I said oh that's interesting and then I will say something around the lines of what do you think about that gift do you think [[16:49]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1009s) that's an appropriate gift for your age do you feel like do you have other friends who have gifts like that just some probing questions to kind of tee up like how that might fall into to into a realm of understanding of gifts because we may have different versions of understanding of what is an appropriate gift and an appropriate amount of money to spend so I just try to ask questions around that rather than say and tell [[17:14]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1034s) what my opinion is because in the end I want them to have their own thoughts and opinions about what may or may not be appropriate and then certainly hopefully put some connections together about what the difference is of like Heart to Heart art connection versus other ways of showing or maybe earning love and what that looks like but that in the end like what's the gift that feels the best to you in your heart what's the best gift [[17:41]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1061s) you've ever gotten what's the gift that had the most meaning to you those types of conversations and leading them to really be thoughtful about what gift giving really looks like and feels like and what they value there so again Wendy is using coaching skills with her kids you know I'm a coach oh I know Chad and I wrote The Power of questions course we have on our website for connected families this is your sweet butt your [[18:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1088s) hot button it is because when we approach our kids with questions instead of a telling heart we have the opportunity to grow their own wisdom it really engages their brain and allows them to think through it and that's exactly what she was getting at that's what she was trying to grow in her kids so awes um good job Wendy so now of course if a child gets a gift that you really believe is not appropriate for [[18:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1117s) their age that is going to be detrimental for them that doesn't mean that you just give them freedom to use it whenever but you can have different rules in different homes and just stand by that peacefully and Wendy had more comments to say about that challenge in parenting as well yeah I think different parenting Styles can be a little bit tricky but I think setting boundaries of and like physical boundaries a really easy way for kids to understand this but [[19:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1143s) we do a lot of like hey these are mom's rules or mom's house rules and then there's dad's house rules or however you want to en title those places if they do something that I know is not a mom's house rule I will often say hey just friendly reminder we're at Mom's house so we're at Mom's house rules and it'll just kind of bring them back and I'll often see like when I did that early on [[19:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1166s) it doesn't really happen anymore but when I did that early on you kind of seen them like pop back into another world that's like it's very clear boundaries to be like when you're in this house this is these rules and there's kind of a different way of doing things at one of the other houses and if they want to share again like something about that that happened at one of the other houses because the rules are [[19:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1187s) different I'll just listen and be like thanks for sharing that with me and I'll just leave it at that it's just so simple because you have these physical boundaries of like when you walk in the door it's Mom's house rules and you walk in that other door and that's the EAS eest way and then it's there's no good or bad it just is defined by a physical boundary so that just seems so obvious and simple but yet I don't know that it [[20:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1207s) would occur to me if I were a single mom to just handle it that way oh we walk in the door here are the rules for this house and I know that Wendy really worked with her kids to develop those rules together as well so that it wasn't just like this is where Mom puts her foot down in this way but it's like this is how we develop this together so that kids have a a consistency they know [[20:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1231s) different environments and that's a good thing for kids to figure out I mean there's different rules at the library than that there is in the gym room at school and you know to have that flexibility but the consistency from place to place was really good I love that well the disparity between parenting Styles when kids go from one parents house to another was also a challenge for Dawn so let's listen in on what she had to say about this when [[20:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1257s) there with me we really work to incorporate the connected fames framework and we also just really rely on Jesus a lot so I do my best I guess to really try to instill as much of that as I can once they go to their dad's house I don't have any control over that and I think I've had to learn that when they come home if there are things that have been difficult or things that are kind of bumping up against different [[21:25]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1285s) parenting Styles and and again I have not always done this ly but to just again be calm and say okay whatever happened and whatever you know parenting styles are bumping against each other this is this doesn't Define who my kids are going to be it doesn't mean they're going to grow up having all this conflicted stuff I I just have to trust that what God is doing in their heart and the way I parent them is real and [[21:51]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1311s) Lasting and I just I have to really trust that and that's so hard because you you don't always see that sometimes and you think as a parent oh this is so bad this is just going to be bad forever um so it's more just kind of letting that go and giving the kids the grace when they come back home to just kind of decompress so both of these perspectives about different parenting Styles different experiences in the [[22:16]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1336s) homes they're just such an example of the Serenity Prayer could you hear the peace in both Wendy and Dawn's voices at Dad's house we get this or at Dad's house this happens and the rules are different different or whatever they're both such an example of the Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can't change the courage to change the ones I can and the wisdom to know the difference they knew what they had control of which was [[22:44]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1364s) things in their house and what they didn't which is things in the other parents house and just to be peaceful and have confidence in the power of their own good parenting and I think that's really important that confidence in the impact of wise parenting in their own home and confidence in the fact that God is parenting their kids as well yes absolutely well Lynn let's take a quick break I want to tell everybody about a new online course that we released this [[23:16]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1396s) year are you ready to parent more peacefully do you find yourself feeling angry a lot well we have a new five session online course that will encourage you even in tough times the course is called Grace and Truth for moms and it is a Core teaching that comes out of the foundation for our parenting Grace and Truth are essential for us to be safe parents the course is presented by Lynn Jackson co-founder of connected families and covers these [[23:45]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1425s) topics what is real truth the real truth about me the real truth about my kids holding on to truth even in hard times and fighting the accuser and actually lots more Grayson to for moms was made for small groups whether that's you and a friend or a larger group that you are leading when you register for the group you have immediate access to all the online videos this course takes little to no preparation on your part no extra [[24:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1453s) materials are needed your group members will be given forever access to the online material at no extra cost just press play and feel God's grace Lori Mama of three said this after she went through the course God spoke to my heart showing me how I have subconsciously been believing lies about myself and my parenting I realized that I've had a goal of becoming some sort of perfect parent I needed to let go of that goal [[24:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1483s) and just rest in the truth that I'm doing my best and I will never be perfect but Jesus is perfect I hope you registered today all the information about the Grace and Truth for Mom's online course is in show notes or go to Connected families.org [Music] okay Lynn we want to be intentional to grow our kids skills and Faith so that they are able to deal with their reality and that's all parents role at this [[25:16]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1516s) level of the framework but we had great conversations with Don and Wendy on how they do it for their children in their special unique circumstances so let's listen to Don first the first thing that I always try to do with the kids is to try to help them name the emotion that they have I think it's hard for kids to name emotions anyway and when you add such a complex process as you know a [[25:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1547s) divorce a separation you know that's that's kind of it's almost like a whole another level of having to think about what do I feel about this I mean as adults we don't even always know what we feel about it so I think the first thing is is just keeping tabs on their emotions I'll say how are you feeling you know we'll get out a big emotions chart or you know chart with the different emojis on it how do you feel [[26:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1569s) about that I think letting my kids have the emotions they want to have really working to make sure that when they do tell me in emotion that I'm just kind of neutral letting them cry letting them be upset letting them have whatever emotions they have and just say that's valid it's all valid yeah and isn't it tempting as parents in our default response to want to tell kids how to feel or to fix their feelings cuz we're [[26:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1593s) we feel responsible somehow that they have this stress or this difficult feeling but she just peacefully said that's valid it's all valid I get it and finding ways to relate to that and give the kids the freedom to talk about it is so healing so encouraging yeah and she helped develop the language for them I love how she pulled out the chart I remember the day that I gathered my kids around our chalkboard wall and I said [[26:56]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1616s) okay 10 minutes time on the on the stove how many emotion words can we come up with because I knew we needed help with this and she was also super intentional about just developing faith and wisdom through some of those challenges so we'll hear from her again about that well prayer is just a huge part of what we do together whether it's in the car whether we're doing homework whether it's a 30 second prayer or a three [[27:21]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1641s) minute prayer just just constantly helping them to be aware that you always have you always have this loving father to call on always always and just helping them to know that helping them to see me you know doing that too like if I'm struggling with something instead of kind of going and being alone and kind of praying about it and there's a place for that but sometimes instead I might just stay with them and say guys [[27:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1668s) I'm really struggling with this I'm just going to pray about this do you mind just being here with me while I pray about this struggle I'm having it's it's an appropriate struggle for them to hear it's usually something appropriate but I think just seeing that too I just want them to know like God is with you in this moment whether you feel him whether you hear him whether you don't you know he's just with you and you can just call [[28:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1689s) on him Lynn he is with you whether you feel him whether you hear him or whether you don't what a powerful spiritual truth to pass on to her kids that they're going to be growing up with and living life and all of the struggles they face in their whole life that's just so authentic yes that she didn't do it by you know seeing a kid with a sad or angry face and go well you know God [[28:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1716s) is with you right now no she modeled it with authenticity that's what I found was just so amazing about that and invited the kids to join in Wendy also had some wonderful things to say about this question of equipping kids to respond in faith to the challenges in their life I think the big things are is conversations of faith and struggles with faith I have instilled in my kids are a sign of having faith not a not a [[29:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1744s) lack of faith being committed figuring it out and walking through it and how your faith changes through that journey is a sign in fact that God is indeed faithful to us and he's with us in it no matter what and he will guide us through it and he will be there loving us the entire time even if we happen to be mad at God at the time even if we feel like he is silent when he shouldn't be even [[29:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1771s) if we wish and pray that he that something else would happen and he would step in and heal something or make something different than it was I think the biggest thing that I've tried to instill is he's there through it all listening through it all constantly always there with us and that that presence is always there because it's a love that will never ever ever give up on us so for me it's been instilling that it's one of those Faith lessons [[29:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1798s) that I didn't learn until I was an adult and they're learning it at a young age again like I have told them so many times like with God nothing is wasted nothing is wasted and now I can say fully and confidently seven years into it been so many examples of where my kids have been able to step into to another kid's life a friend of theirs or a neighborhood Family where they've been able to add some sort of comfort or [[30:24]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1824s) small piece of wisdom about what they've walked through with a family that's just beginning to walk through that wow just that sense of seeing the opportunity I didn't learn to really trust God that I could trust God's unfailing love until I was an adult and my kids are learning it at a young age is that just a a a wonderful perspective on the challenges that kids face instead of going oh I'm so sad that my kids have to go through [[30:51]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1851s) this it's like wow they're learning and this is a powerful opportunity for Faith at such a young age and that with God nothing is wasted and she's seeing the fruit of it in her kids' ability to comfort others right that's maturity in small kids it just reminds me of 2 Corinthians 135 praise be to God and father of our Lord Jesus Christ the father of compassion and the God of all Comforts who comforts Us in all our [[31:16]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1876s) troubles so that we can comfort those in any comfort so we can comfort those in any trouble with the Comfort we ourselves have receive from God just that that's what she was seeing in her kids receiving and passing on Comfort that's so good okay we moved on in the interviews with Don and Wendy to talk about shared responsibility and just even tours around the house Don also had a perspective on the stresses of single parenting that were really an [[31:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1906s) opportunity for her kids and they were they happened to be in the area of chores and kitchen duty so listen to this one well being that I now work that's different you know I am working from home and homeschooling and so one of the things that I had to do and it wasn't real popular I had to give over some chores completely to them and at first I felt guilty about that I thought no I you know that my kids need to see [[32:12]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1932s) me doing chores and I need to do this and I thought but I cannot do all of this you know and and so I just finally sat down and I said okay look the kitchen duty is yours you know I have a 17-year-old an almost 13-year-old and an almost 11-year-old and so I'm thinking surely you guys can do this you know I said I don't have time to do all that I'm doing and keep on top of the kitchen [[32:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1957s) so I fully gave over all kitchen duties wow a family team rising to a challenge and blessing in adversity I can imagine if I had done that with my ADHD kids how that might have looked did you say blessing in adversity I am not sure those the teenagers thought this was a blessing well the teenagers didn't but the mom knew that they could see she really did need that help she just wasn't like I'm tired of [[33:09]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=1989s) doing the kitchen duty she was homeschooling she was working she passed on they they were part of the family survival team and they knew it and so they Rose to the challenge and so that's just a small opportunity in the challenges is that kids can know I'm really an essential part of the family survival team love it that's that's a good thing so what you say how that all went let's let's hear from that when my [[33:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2016s) youngest would do it I had to just have Grace like okay that's not perfect but I know she did her best so it was just letting go of some of that it was also sometimes having Grace where we all maybe had a long day and I'd have a kid saying mom I have kitchen duty tonight but I am just tired or I have to finish homework can can I finish it up in the morning yes you can you know so it's [[33:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2038s) knowing that I've holding them responsible but just like there are times where I might say man I just did not get to that I have to do it just you know can I finish it up a little bit later and I'm careful about that because I don't want them to think they don't have responsibility then but sometimes Grace when they see that I have Grace for yep you didn't get that done on time I'll let you finish it up in the morning [[34:20]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2060s) I think that gives them a better attitude about wanting to do it she really help them own it rise to the occasion take respons ibility if they dropped the ball a little bit or didn't have time so and she did it with such Grace knowing that she had faced similar situations where she had more task than day so now we'll drive into correct where we deal with kids misbehavior and certainly there's going to be just maybe [[34:45]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2085s) even a stronger presence of that tendency of kids to offload emotional stress into misbehavior so let's hear from Don and Wendy about correcting and disciplining kids important thing for me have been making sure I get enough sleep you know as a single mom especially there's a lot of responsibility and and sleep is important how I take care of my physical body getting out in nature whatever I need to do to keep myself healthy just being with Jesus spending [[35:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2113s) time reading scriptures that flood me with his love that flood me with his Assurance when I do those things I'm better able to empathize with their offloading stress because sometimes some of the frustrations they have at their dad's house don't show up there they show up when they walk in the door here and so really seeing where are they coming from this isn't about me they're processing stress from multiple you know [[35:45]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2145s) situations and if I'm taking care of myself I'm better equipped to listen to them and to have empathy for whatever it is they're experiencing oh I love that she she prioritized self-care she did what she needed to be peaceful in those moments as a way of loving her kids really well and it doesn't mean she had to like go get a $200 massage or spa day did it it was a walk in nature yeah you [[36:15]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2175s) know it's simple things like letting go of a little cleaning and getting more sleep can make a big difference you know if we don't have enough sleep people actually change how they perceive other people's facial expressions as more an agonistic so don was able to see the need not the antagonism in you know different things with her kids and Wendy had some similar insights dealing with misbehavior with kids is is hard no matter what but I think dealing with it [[36:42]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2202s) when you know your family is walking through something really difficult in learning a whole new way of living I think it carries so much more weight and emotion behind it so I think the first thing that I always try to remember is that that feelings are an iceberg and so is behavior and whatever you are seeing come out on the surface anger sadness yelling Whatever It Is defiance there is something deeper under the surface in every single case and so I often try to [[37:14]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2234s) look at the situation I certainly don't do it perfectly but I often try to look at the situation and think and probe almost like a detective to find out what's deeper okay that sounds like a really hard feeling it looks like you're having a really tough time that's a really intense emotion like comments like that of just observing or naming a behavior and say tell me a little bit more about that and just I try to keep [[37:39]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2259s) my kiddo talking and oftentimes I can see the intensity start to go down down like notches on a ladder the more that they continue to talk and often the conversation will take a turn to something that it wasn't even about at the very beginning and turned into something totally different something happened at school they really they were at soccer practice and all the dads were there coaching and their dad wasn't something like that where they feel left [[38:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2288s) out but it often comes out as to in my family as anger or Defiance or even like completely ignoring me or a request and really trying to understand what's behind that once I figure out that they actually did hear me and what I said that there's often it 99% of the time there's something else under it and a lot of times it's sadness I find that's often true of myself and I've really [[38:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2318s) worked on my self-awareness around that too when I find my anger like rising up inside of me I try to get really curious about it to say where is that coming from like what is that am I actually angry and almost nine times out of 10 mine is actually grief grieving the situation that you know we're not a two parent family that I dreamed that we would be and in dealing with that yeah wow so much in that section feelings are [[39:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2348s) in iceberg and so his behavior stuff is coming out on the surface anger sadness yelling Defiance whatever it is she's looking for something deeper and just saying okay that sounds like a really hard feeling and then trying to help her kids to verbalize it um and get down to the sadness that's often under anger for her herself and for her kids so we have a link to a blog post about helping kids identify feelings of anger that I think [[39:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2376s) will in our show notes that will be helpful for you that was really powerful so we're getting to the end of our episode and we just gathered some final comments from each of the ladies that have have been such blessing to us today Christine The Single Moms group leader said some moms are tempted to get into relationships to find a dad because they don't think they're capable of being the parent and she encouraged moms to seek [[39:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2398s) the support you need to be The Confident connected mom that you want to be and Don had some just really precious words for moms as well I would say that no matter what your situation is you are the parent that God chose to help your children and he chose you on purpose and it does not matter what your situation is or what you feel like you've done well in the past or what you haven't [[40:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2429s) done well it it doesn't matter God chose you to parent your kids and that you know what you're probably doing a really good job you are probably doing so much better than you think you are if if you're taking the time to even think about how can I be a better parent you're doing good and God's grace is just readily available for all the situations that you face and that he cares about you he cares about your [[40:53]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2453s) parenting but he also cares about you as a person he cares about you individually too when you receive that I think it's a really a really great thing to model to your kids yeah what better thing can we model for our kids than receiving and passing on God's love Wendy had some final thoughts as well that's where the gift is is God saw like what's the gift that's really going to matter and last and it's not in the circumstances it's [[41:20]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2480s) what I poured into my kids hearts and minds and lives and that's the piece that in the end when I look back over these past seven years that's the gift I gave my kids The Gift of Health the gift of faith the gift of consistency the gift of constantly knowing that I'm going to be there and you know Wendy also said this final sentence that I just want to read because we um want to end our podcast with it and she said [[41:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2508s) this my kids are experiencing the kind of healthy parent that I always hoped that they would experience now that might feel overwhelming to a parent that feels like that's so far from the reality but let me tell you I knew Wendy's family early on more than seven years ago and it was tough she could have succumbed to shame isolation and despair as we talked about in the first session th those are traps for single [[42:20]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2540s) parents for all parents but particularly for single parents and she's fought the good fight of faith and Dawn is just beginning that same Journey with the same powerful Shield of faith we believe that you can do that well God has carefully craft at each person in your family and no matter what your circumstances he can equip you with what you need to guide your kids we hope that these two podcasts are giving you more encouragement that you can do this you [[42:49]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2569s) can do this on your own with a supportive community and with the Lord just walking hand in hand with you as you take on the challenges of parenting that's right and we want you to know that we're here for you we connected families and all of our resources and our parent coaching we're here for you so Lynn would you just close this episode with prayer father we receive your blessing for these moms and I just pray that they would sense how [[43:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2598s) incredibly wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ for them and that the body of Christ would come around them and help them to walk in that so that they could be the confident connected parent that they want to be I pray that they would sense themselves being hand inand with you through the challenges of parenting as you grow their kids towards the wonderful purposes that you have for them and we ask these things confidently in jesus' [[43:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2626s) name amen amen thank you Lynn let us know how we can help you connect with you we are here for you as Stacy said thanks for listening do you know a friend who would benefit from hearing this episode please share and while you are there rate and review so others can find us more easily for more information about connected families go to Connected families.org see you next [Music] [[44:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dl3IV4_m2bQ&t=2658s) time