How to Intervene When Your Child Becomes Aggressive

0:00 hi parents trying this again sorry my connection was bad for a minute I'm Katherine Fisher and I'm a certified hand-in-hand parenting instructor in Ann Arbor Michigan and today I'm going to talk with you about how we can respond when our children behave aggressively so I have been there as a parent whose child acted aggressive sometimes and I've been there as a parent watching my

0:32 child get hurt by other kids and I know how upsetting it can be and how we can worry about our own parenting and we can worry about you know worry about our kids and whether they're becoming violent so I just want to reassure you that your kids are completely good and their behavior is not a sign that you're a bad parent but there are ways that we can respond to aggressive behavior that

1:03 will help our kids offload the feelings that are driving that behavior if you're here chances are you may have already tried lecturing reminding them telling them that that's not what we do you might have tried timeout you may even have gotten triggered and yelled at your kid or even hit them which clearly doesn't help them learn not to hit so

1:34 the main thing to keep in mind going forward is that when kids act aggressive it's because they are feeling disconnected and probably they are feeling frightened and it may not seem to make sense in the moment but you can trust that there's something there driving that behavior and if you are getting really triggered it's gonna really help if you can find a listening

2:05 partner to talk to about what would have happened to you if you had acted the way your child is acting what your child's behavior reminds you of in your own childhood and just to offload how upsetting it is and then it also helps if you can take a look and see if there are particular times where your child is likely to lash out sometimes you can find a pattern so if it's an ongoing problem in your

2:36 family I would suggest taking time to do those two things first but I also want to give you a little demonstration about how we can respond when our kids are are being aggressive so let's say that you're in the living room and your older child is playing say blocks or something you know building something with multiple parts and the younger sibling comes up and gets involved and either

3:09 messes it up or you know somehow the older child gets upset and is ready to hit the younger child so you can see that coming hopefully and if you're there you can just catch the hand or catch the block before it gets thrown and all you need to say is Oh sweetheart I can't let you hurt your sister I'll stay here I'm sorry it's hard I mean

3:41 while your child might be fighting you they might try to hit you and in which case you can still catch the hand and say Oh sweetheart I'm gonna keep everybody safe I'm sorry it feels so hard and if there's a younger you know if there's another child sometimes you can even just keep the other child in the in the circle of connection with an arm around them if the if the upset

4:13 child is being too forceful and you need to move the other away from the first child to keep them safe then go ahead and do that so you want to stop the behavior gently with connection and then you want to use the tool stay listening and their feelings will come out wow I hate her she ruins everything oh I I know you love your sister honey

4:44 and I know it's hard I know it's hard to be the big sister I'll stay with you I'll keep everybody safe and you don't need to say much just maybe 80% listening 20% talking and so I'll keep us all safe is a good thing to say I'm sorry it feels so hard we'll get through this it's going we're going to have a good day so they know that you're not

5:15 mad at them and just telling them that you let them so if anyone has any questions about your specific situation I love to hear I don't see let's see if anybody I can tell feel free to type it in sorry it just made my screen go away

5:46 a little bit does anyone want to type in a question though I know things can be so different and sometimes we don't get there in time and then you can that thing to do then if you aren't there in time before someone gets hurt is to remember that both kids are hurting the child who's feeling scared and who

6:18 lashed out is hurting and probably feels bad and does feel bad even if they aren't showing it and then of course a child who's hurt needs your attention and you can try and be there for both of them and if you need to go back and forth you can do that do we move do you remove the angry child to state listen I don't think generally you don't need to unless it's but unless you need to be

6:52 somewhere else for safety or if they're going to say something so so harsh about the other child that is better for the other child not to hear it but generally if you're listening and kind of repeating your own thinking and reassuring it's not going to be too hard on the other child to listen let's see and then Aubry says what do you do if toys are being thrown and they aren't calming down hold them until they are

7:24 calm I'm never sure when to let them go so if toys are being thrown yeah definitely I were you you want to stop that and you want to use the least amount of force possible so if you can do it by holding the the hand that has the toy that they want to throw and just hold it and say I'm just gonna stay with

7:54 you I know that you want to throw that but I can't let you and then I guess if it just keeps you know if they keep grabbing things you might want to move a little further away so they can't reach the things that can just let the feelings out and then you know you you want to just let go when you think maybe they're ready but you don't you don't need to say like okay I'm going to let

8:24 you go and let's see if you can handle this now like you're just you're just checking in your own mind you don't need to tell them that and then you can just kind of go back and forth between holding that limit and not letting them throw things and and then giving them a break to see if they're ready sometimes sometimes those those big upsets those big Tantrums are like naps like sleep cycles where they they kind of peak and then

8:53 they go down and then they come back again so don't be surprised if there's like several waves of it and Claire says so there's a separation happening and the boys are seven and eleven and very angry yeah sure I'm sorry I'm sorry that's happening I think just adding in that that special time if you know that

9:23 tool or you can look it up so that they're getting one-on-one attention making sure Claire that you're getting listened to for all your feelings about this you know stressful time and then playing so one thing that that I'm not going to talk a lot about today but can be sort of the next step once you learn how to intervene without your own upset when a child is being aggressive is to turn it playful it's not going to teach

9:55 them that it's fine to do that it's actually just gonna let them let those fears out so chasing pillow-fighting is great if you're the the one that they can whack with the pillow and you can barely catch them where you chase them all around that might be a good one for the slightly older boys when the seven year old has a meltdown its destructive yeah so you just want to be as you know

10:25 as gentle as you can bringing connection when he's you know on that path to becoming destructive looking for those moments where you know is likely to happen and trying to be there so you can catch it before he damages anything or hurts anyone else or himself and then again you know all these tools all the hand and hand tools worked so well if if you can use them also making sure you a special time and adding lots of as much

10:58 laughter into your day as you can will really help and then Eleanor says her daughter is an only child she has sensory processing difficulties a lot of her frustration is taken out on the parents when she's lashing out at us she won't let us near her they've tried emotion coaching oops sorry

11:29 so yeah you can um not sure what's happening with the camera sorry let's say did it turn it I must have turned it yeah sorry now you're seeing them wall let's see how I can get this back oh there we go okay sorry about that um so if your child doesn't want you near her but she's not damaging things or hurting

12:00 anyone you can you can still reach for that connection from a distance like I used to sometimes when my son was really mad I would be on the other side of his bedroom door knocking you know can I come in yet I'm still out here I really miss you can I come in now so I don't know if you know if that's possible with what she's doing but but that would be one other approach or you know just sometimes you

12:27 do just have to have your arms around them and sometimes the feelings are so strong that there's fighting and and you know they're really working on some some deep terror and it's a really big fight for them and and that yeah that challenge what trying to figure out like whether it's a sensory issue or whether they are offloading you know is something that I think parents just have to just work on to figure out the

12:59 difference okay oh I did it again okay oh sorry you guys I love your questions I'm not sure why I keep turning the turning it around okay I don't know okay here we go

13:35 [Music] yes Oh Elinor when someone's being destructive we need to gently stop it and just just help keep it from happening I don't know if you were here at the beginning but I kind of talked about that and Christina says when a child is aggressive does it mean that she will become an aggressive adult and I think definitely not my

14:07 goodness sorry I'm just trying to get the wall off I don't know if the walls on your photo anyway I'll just keep talking um no it doesn't mean that they will become an aggressive adult it means really that they're signaling for connection with you and so when we are able to reconnect with them when they're being aggressive and help them and be with them while they offload the fear that's driving that aggressive behavior that's gonna help them and their

14:38 aggressive behavior and depending on what the fears are and where they come from it might be sort of a project that takes time but definitely doesn't mean that your child is going to be aggressive later this is this is a great way to intervene so that that doesn't happen okay let's see Noel says I tried to hold

15:09 my boy arms around him when he's really mad but he thinks what I'm doing is like locking him up and he tries to break free do I let him go or should I cyst on insist on having my arms around him that's a really good question Noel and I think it's one that you are going to have to experiment with you like I said earlier you want to use the minimum amount of up there I'm sorry okay now I

15:40 see what I did okay you want to use the minimum amount of force so you can try letting them go if if they asked for that but then if they keep if they're not reconnected yet they're going to keep the aggressive behavior going they're gonna let you know that they they need you to connect with them physically and sometimes if it's if it if a child is really struggling with that and you're not sure if you can look

16:11 into the vigorous Snuggle which is what you like oh oh you you I can't believe you just did that what are you doing and just you know sort of you connect with them really vigorously and it's sort of a way in past the anger and lets them start to laugh and then sometimes they can handle the touch better but sometimes they need to have that fight and but that's you know that's gonna depend on whether you feel comfortable

16:41 that it's the right thing whether you can stay calm and listening and confident that it's the right thing so that's sort of sort of an advanced question that you probably would work on in a class with an instructor but I hope that gives you a little a little bit of an idea okay any other questions we have a few more minutes

17:17 okay oh great um now I see my questions okay when you can't stay calm yourself oh Claire I have so been there well I think going back to what I said at the start where if this is an ongoing issue in your family you probably have your own feelings built up about it plus

17:48 whatever feelings that get triggered for you about your own experience of aggression so listening partnerships for you outside of the times when your kids are acting this way will help you stay more calm but it's it's better not to try it try and stay listen when you're upset because they can tell and they they aren't going to feel the connection that they need if we're upset so

18:21 sometimes you can just say like if you need to give yourself a timeout if things are safe enough for the kids you know just say sweetheart I love you and I want to help and I'm gonna go take care of my own feelings for just a few minutes and I'll be right back to be with you again and I know you can't always do that but but sometimes that's an option and another sort of emergency tool when things are going knots and and

18:51 we're getting really really worked up and angry ourselves is just to lie down on the floor and that might sound kind of wacky but it totally changes the dynamic and sometimes it can help us stop yelling and sometimes or it just kind of sometimes our kids just become so interested in what we're doing that it kind of gets them out of what they're into and they come play with us while we're on the floor but there's no

19:20 perfect answer for when we can't stay calm something we have to work on and are listening partnerships and take breaks when we need to Barbary is it best to avoid situations that are consistent triggers for kids like playing with more than one child going to a play space where it can't be right by him physically to stop the behavior oops

19:54 sorry I can't I can't pull up the rest of the comment but I I think probably not probably more you you want it I mean you might want to cut down on them while you're working on this helping your son with with the aggressive behavior but you don't need to avoid them because that's not gonna help him get better but sometimes special time before those stressful events can help a little bit and other other times just knowing

20:27 knowing that you need to be by them so maybe the play area you know you can't be right with them yeah maybe you avoid that for a while until some of these these fears are kind of have a chance to come out in other situations where you can be with him when a child has an object that they are using to hurt others and you need to take it away is there some words you can suggest saying

20:57 before you take it away I tell them never to grab got it yeah that's good um well if you can what we want to do is bring the limit and stay with them while they have the feelings so you may not eat you may not need to physically take it away if you're gonna try and be stay listening with them you can just put your hand on it and say I'm I'm right here sweetheart I'm not gonna I can't let you hurt

21:26 anybody I can't let you throw that and if they start offloading their feelings they may not care more about holding nothing you may be able to set it aside but in that first moment where you're bringing the limit if you focus on taking it away it turns it turns into a power struggle and that's not really worth it that's not going to get you where you want to go so if you can just gently gently hold it

21:56 with them then you don't have to pull it out of their hands and eventually they're going to be so focused on their own feelings that setting it aside probably won't be an issue how do you address anger or frustration that is due to sibling rivalry most of the issues seem to stem from each of them competing for my attention even with things as simple as whoo-hoo I'm sorry I can't I

22:27 can't read the rest but I think I have the gist so sibling rivalry some of the some of the best ways to help get those feelings out are games that let them team up against you and a special time where you spend time with each child so you know you'll be addressing the aggression when it comes up but probably these other things these other ways of playing and

22:58 paying attention are going to be the things that help to relieve that sibling rivalry Jana thanks for all the all the great articles you're sharing oh my goodness every time I try to move the questions up I turn the screen around so sorry about that I think I always still have a couple more minutes if anyone has won one or two last questions I really

23:29 appreciate your time here listening and I hope that I hope some of this has been helpful I know it's so so hard and I know you're all working really hard and doing your best and I'm glad you mate were able to make time to here today for people who are local in Ann Arbor I do have another starting starter class coming up and I also teach understanding tears and tantrums at first steps Ann Arbor thank you thank

24:00 you guys and really check out the website at hand-in-hand parenting Network there are so many articles if you search the you know the topic of aggression there is a lot of great resources so thanks again for being here and I hope to connect with you again soon bye bye