Understanding Your Child's Brain

0:01 hi everyone and welcome to a new episode of parenting and you with me Dr shaali you know most of us parents don't realize how much of parenting is about understanding our children's brain understanding their development and understanding how they need skills most of our children literally don't have the skills we end up getting upset and reacting to them but actually they just don't know how and many of us

0:34 either go too hard and punish them and shame them and control them we yell at them because they don't have the skills and then the rest of us just walk away we're passive we just do nothing about their skills or lack of it well there is a middle way a conscious parenting way of building skills in our children and that's what this episode is all about coming up next a mom who says she gets terribly triggered when her 5-year-old

1:03 son says mean things to her like I don't love you or you're the worst mom let's see how we can help her joining me now is Ashley a mom who gets terribly upset when her 5-year-old son disrespects her by saying mean things like I don't love you Mommy and you're the worst mom ever hi Ashley welcome to the club hi Dr shaali thanks for connecting with me today so tell me what goes on between you and your son

1:31 that gets you so upset yeah so great topic that I think a lot of parents could resignate with I want to talk about how we can break the generational thought of our children disrespecting us I grew up in a Latina household and my partner grew up in a black household where we were taught that the idea of talking back to an adult was disrespectful we really didn't have a voice to share our feelings and our emotions and if we did we would get sent

2:03 to our room or even be hit or punished for me I wanted things to change when I parent and I want to be thoughtful in addressing my child's needs and their emotions for example my son loves to have a night cap snack at night time before bed and this one night I told him that we were done having snacks for the night that we can have some more the next day and I got hit with h you're the

2:31 worst mom ever and I hate you and you're a loser and for me I know it wasn't a personal attack and I think that that's what a lot of people have mistaken when they parent that these situations are not personal and through years of my own therapy I know that this disrespectful behavior is really a sign of a want that my child has and a need that my child has that they are not able to quite

3:01 communicate yet so that's definitely something that I just wanted to leave you with and get your opinion on well so you know it intellectually but it still seems to be hurting you emotionally is that correct that's correct and when this incident happened I actually wasn't upset at all because I know my son and I know that really he just wanted some more fruit before bed but my partner said to me are you going to really let

3:31 him talk to you like that why didn't that bother you and to me I told him I'm he's five he wants the snack he doesn't hate me he loves me but he just is angry at the moment because he wants a snack so that's another subject is how do we not let the opinions of others like our partners our families our mothers our fathers come in the way of how we parent I think that it bothered me after I

3:57 heard that from my partner and I internalize hey should this really bother me when in actuality it really didn't yeah well I think you're on the right track I think you understand this is just his way of saying I hate it not I hate you they're not being personal they're just expressing he doesn't know how to express the fact that he doesn't like this moment so he just says I don't like you so you got all that down but

4:24 then your partner comes and your partner's male and males don't like it when children quote unquote are being children even though they can be children but that's another story but they don't like it and they're like don't let anyone disrespect you but they don't understand that the child has an inner inability to express themselves just like they actually cannot express themselves either but here's the thing the answer is not whether this should bother me it should definitely not

4:52 bother you so you should stay in an emotional calm regulated place don't let it bother you but your partner is is right in a little bit because your partner also canot articulate what your partner is saying is hello don't just walk away can you just do something a little bit so let's take the approach of in between your partner and in between you your partner wants you to be bothered which then means you will react which then means you will be punitive we

5:19 don't want to do that your approach is ah I'm not bothered and you walk away that's a good emotional energy but it still doesn't help the moment so I always tell parents that kids act out or say rude things only because of three reasons number one they don't know how to do it better because they don't have the life skills yet because their brain is not developed or they just have not remembered the right way because their

5:47 memory is not good enough so they need more practice and number three in the moment they're just overwhelmed so your son is all those things they don't have enough life skills they don't have enough life experience and practice they are not feeling good in the moment so you are doing great you realize these things now what could you do that is a little bit more masculine your partner your partner wants you to kind of like attack it back and control it not that

6:17 but there's something in between and the in between is this later going back to your son or even in the moment saying no you don't hate me you just hate it but there's no point talking in the moment because your son is overwhelmed so later you could go back and let's do a role play you could tell your son now you be Mommy and I'm going to be you and I'm getting ready for bed and I'm going to

6:40 ask for my snack and you're going to say like what Mommy said the other day no and I'm going to first act like you and then I'm going to act like another kid and you can show your son how that feels and then you can practice another kind of response and this way you can teach your child the skills that they're missing see you missed that piece you didn't go back and repair or teach or make a creative way of showing a

7:08 different way you just walked away which is level one trust me you did that good and most parents won't be able to do that but you didn't go many steps forward yeah absolutely I think that we want to be a good role model we want to lead by example by showing the respect and also the behavior that we want our child to exhibit but again like like as mentioned it it is also conflicting because we don't want to let others

7:33 opinions get in the way of how we're thinking but I think that if I'm solid in how I'm parenting and I go back and have those conversations to make my child understand like hey there is a better way of communicating I think that will go a long way and especially for them emotionally to be able to express how they're feeling and know that there's different ways of doing that as well correct so your partner is right in

7:59 a little way but also you need to let your partner know that they are getting triggered and they're making it personal and that is not the correct way either so don't get bamboozled or run over by your partner's energy either don't get bamboozled and run over by your son's energy either but you know that your son's his brain is literally not developed they're they're holes it's like swiss cheese so he needs a lot of skill building which will take years

8:26 don't think that by doing it once tomorrow your son is not going to say I hate you you're going to hear I hate you for the next 10 years at least so don't put that pressure on yourself to create a perfect child but also don't do your job by teaching him some other ways to behave right so have a feminine energy about it where you are calm you walk away you can soothe him but also introduce the masculine energy of hey

8:54 let's practice some other ways this is not okay let's do another way but being mindful of of when you do what you do and not just simply reacting is always the gold standard absolutely can we chat about how we can have these conversations with our partners or have conversations with our parents even that taught us maybe these behaviors and have intellectual ways of expressing hey this is how I parent this is how maybe you parent and I decide to do things

9:25 differently because I think the main thing is breaking that generational habit of passing these things down and along the chain and that's definitely something I don't want to do I love that so safe to say that your parents or partner may not want to watch my podcast but that's what they should do but safe to say that they are stuck in their traditional ways right this is a very key thing I'm going to tell you so listen up it's not about

9:51 what you tell them it's about how you are with them you see the same traditional parenting that your partner and they are used to is what they're now doing with you they're dominating you they're telling you how you need to be and you're getting stuck again by being suppressed the same thing that happened in your childhood so you have to break the pattern and go why am I getting suppressed again I'm a grown woman now they're doing the same traditional crap

10:18 with me they're trying to again treat me like a child and tell me what I should do with my child it's not their place so really the answer is are you ready to be empowered to create the boundary against them don't try to teach them they're not going to change you have to create the boundary to tell them to back off because the old part of you still wants to please them the old part of you still

10:43 gets confused when they dominate you and they rob you of your inner knowing that's what's happening here you're getting confused this is the old part of you that has been traditionally parented and has been suppressed it's now time for the little girl to grow up into this woman watching right now because what I see is a strong woman who really knows a lot so you need to put these unconscious people in their place and say thank you

11:07 very much I understand why you're this way you were raised in an unconscious way it's not me I am creating a boundary right now this is my child I will need to do what I need to do thank you very much don't even begin to start to change them we don't change people who don't ask for change because then we're falling into the same trap as we did when we were younger which is to be at

11:32 their service why would you waste your energy changing them when they have not displayed an interest in being changed right I always tell people I in my 20s wanted to change the world then I realized oh unless they join my zoom unless they buy a ticket unless I hear the question can you help me why am I jumping in ah it's because I'm jumping in to do my old role of fixing everybody it's not your job to fix other people

12:01 it's your job now to be empowered in your own knowing to help your son absolutely I think that when these situations happen especially with my parents I feel like that little girl again suppressed as you say I can't speak up and I'm just trying to convince them to see it my way but as you were speaking to it's not my job it is not my power it is exhausting to try and get someone to change when they don't want

12:31 to change yes and and I can't break all of this years of them you know being this way so I just have to be firm in who I am and how I parent and how I choose to do things and be confident in that it is the best emotional support that I can give my child right but do you see how how quickly we could have gotten into Dr shaali tell me three things I can tell my partner and my

12:57 parents and if I was unconscious which I was about to do I was about to give you three things and then I realized hey why are we doing this we're doing this because we're coming from a needy place and a disempowered place I need to teach her how to draw a boundary not to begin to teach them how to enter your space right you're like come with me mommy daddy come and tell me how good I'm

13:19 doing that's the same little girl who wants her parents approval listen if you if you don't have your parents approval by now you're never going to really get it so it's time for for you to burn that fantasy live in the isness of your reality right now and even your partner you're not here to convince him you're not here to please him he needs to either do the work or you create a boundary but you cannot beg people to

13:47 change their Consciousness this is a big takeaway for someone like you because you're such a teacher you're such a wisdom person you're such a people pleaser you will begin to convince everyone and lose your own power as a result of it yeah I definitely think that I've lost my confidence along the way and have let the opinions of others doubt who I am and the things that I'm confident in and for me it is very healing to hear this and to take it as a

14:15 token to say Hey you are confident and you need to be powerful in your opinions and your thoughts because they truly matter they are who you are and you worked so hard to get to this point as a parent and I I really needed that confirmation today to know that hey I'm on the right path and I'm doing all the right things well you just got it yeah because we can just get so tricked into thinking the other person is bullying us

14:45 but really what that means is that our own conviction our own hold on our own way of being is loose so they're sneaking in and grabbing it right and that's what we need to learn that's been my biggest life lesson as a woman who's a people pleaser like you oh it's not the other person if the candy shop is open and all the candy sitting out there why shouldn't someone come in and take some that's how we are right we're

15:08 letting people come in and take us because we don't have a hold we haven't locked the candy store we haven't convinced ourselves that the candy is worthy it will not be given for cheap but when we give it for cheap we can't blame other people who come and Rob it right absolutely thank you for opening my eyes for that today yeah thank you very much I always tell parents that at the end of the day their capacity to tune into

15:36 their children to do what their children need them to do is unparalleled we often let the opinions of others infiltrate our mind and Shake our convictions and it's good to be open to others it's good to take in their feedback but at the end of the day our greatest source of knowing comes from within our greatest source of trust has to come from within ourselves we cannot rely and Trust other

16:06 people to tell us how to be with our children or with ourselves or in any decision we make and this capacity to be self-aware to know who it is we are is what I teach through this podcast through my books through my Institute because this is what's missing and then when we're shaky within ourselves we're shaky with our children and then our children don't feel safe because we don't feel safe within ourselves our children need us to be open but also

16:36 trusting of what we're doing because when we communicate through self-trust we allow our children to feel safe and then they can begin to trust us and then they can begin to trust themselves this is the process of conscious parenting coming up next a mother who's really worried about her seven-year-old daughter growing up too fast because she's been watching inappropriate videos on social media joining me now is Madu a mother who's struggling with her seven-year-old

17:06 daughter who is sometimes watching inappropriate videos on social media making the mother really worried hi Madu so what I'm hearing is that you're concerned that your daughter may be watching all these inappropriate things and now you're afraid that she may continue is that your fear yes yes she may continue and see is asking lots of question about you know because that's not her age that she can ask all those questions and um again the second

17:37 question for me like how can I maintain that friendship relationship with my kid because she's being honest with me that she told me that Mom I'm watching this and I'm so excited to for next series and next episode so then after that I uninstall her everything putting Security on the iPad and all and all so and now I feel like in future if she's encountered in something and she come to me and really she is going to be honest

18:05 with me after that so how can I maintain that friendship relationship with her so when you found out that she was looking at these things and she was so brave she was so honest she came to you how did you react in those moments first I literally I was walking that day the whole day so I was like okay that's fine that's fine I literally didn't think too much I was totally like a normal even I'm not giving you know give a chance to

18:34 me to think something but the next day when her questions makes me feel like okay I just try to connect the dots when she told me the last night and again in the morning she asked some questions and I feel like how could you know all those things um that's gone then uh then in the night time I said like they are I mean whenever I'm just left the homes she's very excited to see the because

19:01 you know because I'm not at home right and when I'm at home I'm always giving them some task to do so they could not see iPad and all so after I'm moving home they are so excited to watch the next episode next episode then I realize it's really something going on that I have to watch properly and um then I uninstall everything this uh security and all and she came to me and asked me mama who did all those and then I

19:29 realized because she was so honest to me and really that's my fear right now like how can I maintain that friendship relationship with my kid because I know I mean being a mother it's not you could not do each and every moment that friendship relation you know like a friend we could not because I know like that's not good for her and how I'm allowing her to know that like that's not good for her in this age so when she

19:56 told you mama who did it did you then explain to her why you did it no what did you say I feel like I did it and I didn't say anything about that because I don't know how to you know okay I understand so the first thing is that good you didn't scream good you didn't yell good you didn't punish her so you did a lot of things by not doing a lot of things right so you did a lot of good

20:22 excellent many other parents would have freaked out that's it I'm not I told you not to go on that violated my TR amazing you didn't do anything however you also didn't do anything right right like like you didn't do anything good out of it you just didn't do anything bad so at least you did that but what are some things you could have done instead and this is where parents often get into a tough spot some parents just yell and

20:50 react and then the other parents just freeze and shut down and you did what the second set of parents do there's something in between between a little bit of your feminine energy calm and nice soft and gentle but a little bit of masculine energy which is teaching them something so you can go back and put your children down and you can teach them you know what I also want you to watch those videos at an later age it's

21:18 a good video to watch when you're 16 when you're 17 now you're 12 so if you and I can keep trusting each other if you and I can keep being honest like like you were and I'm so proud of you that you were so honest then after 13 after 14 after 15 boom 16 you come back to me and you say mama look I've been so honest and I've listened can I now watch those videos and guess what mama's going

21:44 to say yes right so what what why are we doing this is number one we're going to praise the child for actually doing something very good which was being honest number two we're going to tell them there is an age that it is a good thing to watch at that age and we're going to build it up do this at 12 do this at 13 and by 16 boom you can have it so that builds their trust that if

22:10 they follow the way and if you follow the way their goal their desire can be met in the future you're giving them something to work on rather than just controlling the situation and shutting down so many parents fail to do this middle way which is be understanding but also teach a skill don't just you know either overreact or underreact there is a middle way where you can come back and talk to your child and build that

22:40 connection praise them for their honesty but also teach a skill right we often forget that a lot of parenting is about skill building in a connected way our children genuinely don't know what they don't know so your daughter for example does doesn't know that it's inappropriate it feels like fun it looks entertaining why can't I watch it mommy she doesn't understand that certain things are for certain ages so you have to teach her that how is she going to

23:09 know that so the first thing we do is we say I feel you I understand you I I get you thank you so much for being honest I also want to watch these kinds of things but I know that sometimes they're not appropriate for me and every brain at every age has different things that are good for that brain and this is what's good for you at 12 this is what's good for you at 13 and

23:33 this is what's good for you at 17 for example if they come to you and say they want their own phone right I remember my daughter wanting a phone at the age of nine I had to make her wait till 13 or 14 and I said to her you can have it but not at this age and you teach them the skill of waiting the skill of understanding that right now your daughter has no skill you just took it

23:57 away you did not teach teach her anything right yeah and I felt like you know I wanted to give her the right information that's why I stopped myself I feel like how if I don't know how to give a answer of that and I don't want to give something uh washed that I heard from my childhood I don't want to pass on to her so that's why I stopped myself and I said like okay let such you know I

24:23 just asking those question to myself how can I make them understand because this is a very uh I mean in this a seven years uh yeah but these kind of things are coming definitely will come in the future exactly I'm trying to you know ask my friends and what people I mean girls are doing in this age and all how could I get the answer and trying to face that kind of questions but yes very good you're absolutely right but there

24:50 is no perfect answer parents often are looking for the perfect three-step solution it's an attitude and attitude of connection of building Trust of telling your children hey I know you want this I want to give it to you I will give it to you but not at this age so learning to talk with them listen this is just not appropriate for your brain but it's great for a 16y old brain should we make a chart and

25:19 wait till we're 16 and you can just put 6 7 8 9 10 whatever and just help her to wait in the moment there's so many ways to treat the situation but there's no one perfect way every age every situation will require a different approach and this is where parents often make mistakes they think there's one way one answer no it's an evolution parenting is a constant Moment by moment Evolution so we have to wait for the

25:46 moment to arise and then meet that moment when it arises yes yes Sali I mean now I'm feeling like yeah this is the answer I I was looking for that time I feel like okay but yeah it's makes me feel so light right now so relax like okay I will you know let her know again in the night time I was just bringing that situation and trying to you know because definitely her mind also you know asking that same question

26:16 to her why your mama did all those things with you and now I have a good answer to tell her like why I did that excellent great job you're on the right track thank you so much for joining thank you thank you saali really I'm feeling so blessed to you know talk with you and know more about the you know conscious parenting that's really not in my awareness but after I saw your videos and you know lots of your uh videos s

26:46 videos and live videos and now thank you thank you for everything both these stories we could observe how the mothers needed permission to trust themselves both mothers were on on the right track but we often enter self-doubt and we freeze we don't know what to do we either listen to other people's opinions or we just get stuck and part of that is because we believe sometimes that there's only one way to handle our children parenting is a constant

27:16 evolving Moment by moment Journey there is no perfect parent there's no perfect child there's no perfect strategy there's no perfect solution we have to figure it out in the moment but the only way to do it really is through attuning to who our child is here and now trusting our inner knowing being open to new ways like conscious parenting and learning conscious parenting you know when I began learning what I teach I know that sounds like an oxymoron but

27:46 when I began really applying the teachings of conscious parenting it opened up such a vast way a new way of not only interacting with my child but interacting with every single human including myself this is why I offer courses I have an Institute take conscious parenting seriously not only to transform your children but ultimately to transform yourself if you've enjoyed listening join me for the

28:16 next episode of parenting and you with me Dr shaali parenting and you with Dr chaali is for educational and informational purposes only it is is not intended as a substitute for professional medical psychological psychotherapeutic coaching health care or other qualified professional advice diagnosis or treatment