When Your Child Is Being "Rude" Teach Them To Say This!

0:00 my children cannot go off in the world and just talk like anything to anybody right people don't like that and it's ultimately going to make them less effective in their environment less effective as communicators have unhealthy relationships etc etc if I am not intentional about teaching them how to communicate their wants their needs and their feelings okay so that is what we're going to talk about in this episode

0:33 now I understand rude is a subjective term meaning we all have different understandings of what would constitute a child's language to be unkind unfriendly or disrespectful but you know those moments where your child is like uh or I don't like you or leave me alone stop that and you're like okay I can understand where you're coming from but let's not talk to each other like that that's what this episode is going to talk about okay that's what we're going

1:03 to be addressing because I don't know about you but I'm a positive parent who likes to not only meet my child where they're at and be loving and kind and respectful and focus on our relationship and connection and I am also dedicated towards raising kind humans who understand how to deliver their message in a way that people are going to be receptive to right I understand that my children cannot go off in the world and

1:33 just talk like anything to anybody right people don't like that and it's ultimately going to make them less effective in their environment less effective as a communicator have unhealthy relationships etc etc if I am not intentional about teaching them how to communicate their wants their needs and their feelings okay so that is what we're going to talk about in this episode okay so the first step is always to try to understand what they are

2:03 trying to communicate under their disrespectful tone right like what are they really need in the moment do they need more connection do they need physical space do they need something back what exactly are they trying to communicate this is really really important because often times what happens is we interpret our child as being disrespectful and our gut reaction is just to shut them down stop that don't talk to me like that knock it off but then we never go a step further and

2:32 actually help them learn how to communicate okay so to teach our child how to be respectful we have to understand what is underneath their tone what do they need what do they want how are they feeling we have to identify that for them now if we don't know then we have to get curious with them hm I wonder what do you need right now and I'm often asking my children that very explicit question what do you need right

2:58 now they don't always know the answer but that is the jerk reaction the automatic question I want them to ask themselves what do I need because until I can clearly identify what I need in this moment or how I'm feeling I cannot be effective at communicating so if I don't know then I will guess out loud do you need this do you need that do you need her to give you the toy back do you need a snack right now are you feeling

3:28 frustrated because of XY Z I'll just start to get curious and we'll just start to go down the list what is it is it this is it that is it this is it that now if they are so disregulated and you start to question them and they just start screaming even more then that's your sign fall back okay now is not a time for problem solving cuz essentially what you are eliciting them to do is problem solve

3:52 and if your child is in a state of emotional disregulation where they're literally offline right they're so disregulated right now that all they need our help with is just coming back down to Baseline now definitely check out my other video on how to deescalate an angry child cuz that will cover how to kind of bring them back down to Baseline also Shameless plug check out my free ebook your three-step plan on when your child gets angry or aggressive

4:21 because it'll go over these same things in a written format so that you have a plan but essentially if they start screaming and holl Ing and it just seems like your words are making it worse that's your sign to fall back and not go through these steps in the moment you want to focus on calming down and then you'll Circle back to this later step number two after you have identified their need then you want to give them

4:46 the explicit language on how to respectfully communicate their wants and their needs so it might sound like saying something like I think what you're asking for is space you can say space please I think what you're trying to tell your sister is you didn't like when she took your toy you can say I need the toy back please or please give me back the toy I wasn't done yet Etc so basically what you're doing is you are

5:14 giving your child the language that they need to appropriately communicate this is essentially what coaching looks like in action now if you need help with like certain scenarios like okay well what would I say in this scenario what would the actual words be that I would coach them let me know down in the comments below if you're watching on YouTube and we can kind of brainstorm those things but step two is all about explicitly giving them the language that they need

5:39 to communicate their needs in a respectful way step three and this is very closely tied with step two but I wanted to make it an explicit step so it's very clear you want to coach your child to redo the moment this is so important you want to coach them hey let's try that again okay go ahead and say space please go ahead and say please give that that back okay because you're doing two very important things one you

6:03 are teaching them explicitly that kindness matters and the way that we communicate matters so let's go ahead and redo that so that we are kind and respectful towards each other right and then number two you're giving them the practice that they need because kids obviously as they're learning these things they need lots of consistency and lots of practice and so the more that you can prompt them hey let's go ahead and practice right now what can you say

6:27 oh yeah that's right okay space please okay I don't like that please give that back no thank you don't touch my body please whatever it is right the more you can give them practice and coaching the more likely this will become second nature to them where they won't need to be coached right but in the beginning they're going to need a lot of prompting and so step three is all about prompting them to have a redo which brings me to

6:51 step number four which is to end this moment with encouragement right the other beautiful thing about a redo is you get the chance to redo the moment in a more positive way right because when our child's getting disrespectful right get me that leave me alone you know it brings out that negative energy and so you as their guide as their coach as the parent you get to say well here's how this is going to go let's redo that

7:19 thank you so much for using your kind words thank you so much for speaking so respectfully towards your sister I really like how you said that thank you now I can hear you so much better thank you for telling me exactly what you need teaching them that there is actually a relational pay off there's actually a concrete benefit there's a quote unquote reward when we are kind and respectful towards each other as a family right and

7:46 that I'm going to meet you also with kindness now we're turning the family culture around bonus points whenever you can notice that your child is already being kind and respectful and using their words quote unquote Point those moments out draw their attention let them know you're paying attention to that you notice that you appreciate that thank you so much for treating her with kindness or whatever it is right you want to get active about noticing those

8:14 things because the more that you notice that the more they're going to do it and step number five is to on the back end continuously and consistently and through the type of person that we embody as a parent teach them that words are powerful right teach them that our words matter people don't forget what we say it is always okay to feel whatever it is that we feel whether that's frustrated upset angry scared whatever

8:45 it is that we feel it's always okay to feel that but it's not okay to lash out with our bodies or our words our words are powerful and this is a larger lesson that is also embodied by the type of person we are how do we as the parent handle our frustration how do we handle feeling triggered by our child or our partner or other people in our life like what are we really modeling for them

9:13 because kids are not really listening to what we say they're listening more closely to who we are and so the best way that we can teach this lesson is just being mindful being aware of course we're never perfect but being more conscious and aware of the types of messages that we send by how we speak to not only our children but to the other people in our life especially when our children are around because like it or

9:39 not our children are always listening how do we talk on the phone cuz they're listening how do we talk to our partner when our child is just in the other room what are the things that they're hearing and exposed to because that's what they're paying attention to so if we notice our child's getting a little rude they getting a little testy they getting a little dis disrespectful we got to kind of also do inventory well how am I

10:02 showing up am I being respectful kind you know what I mean again our words are powerful their words are powerful words are powerful our kids don't forget what we say and we don't forget what our kids say these are the conversations you can have outside of the moment with them hey we had a hard time earlier I know you got really frustrated and you said these things I am so happy you came to me and expressed how you feel and I want you to

10:25 know words are powerful right people don't forget what you say so let's be mindful of the words that we use especially when we have a really big feeling and let's think back on that hard moment what did you really want to say what were you really trying to get at this is the key to effective and healthy communication is being able to be aware self-aware enough to know what do I really need how am I really feeling

10:53 so that I can communicate that to others so that they can understand me better all right I hope that this episode was helpful like I mentioned earlier I just launched a free ebook all on anger and aggression and it's all geared towards helping you understand the psychology of anger helping you understand the levels of disregulation that your child feels depending on you know the different situation and the different circumstances so that you can feel more confident more prepared more equipped to

11:25 handle these very intense episodes cuz they're intense okay let's be real seeing our child angry and aggressive and rude and frustrated it's going to fluster us right and so if we're not prepared if we don't have a game plan in mind we're going to resort to the things we always do right which commonly for a lot of us is yelling threatening punishing the things that we don't like so this ebook is geared towards helping you show up in a more intentional

11:51 confident and Powerful way as a parent the ultimate goal is we raise kind humans you know we can essentially help help change the world by raising Kinder humans who are more self-aware they know how to communicate their feelings and they know how to make better decisions despite how they're feeling okay so to download this free guide or ebook all you have to do is go to the mom psychology.com ebook all one word to download the free

12:19 ebook all right that is it for this episode I will see you in the next one [Music] bye [Music] uh