Top 5 things to teach your child by age 5 (+ Kindergarten prep)

0:00 during this early window of development it is so important that we take advantage of this time period because this is how we lay the foundation for higher order thinking while your child is in this window of Rapid development why not take advantage of it so that we can lay a strong foundation so they have the keys to success [Music]

0:31 90% of your child's brain develops by age five to develop means to change and your child's brain is changing at rapid speed in fact your child's brain is developing at least one million new neural connections every second which is faster than any other time in their life and so during this early window of development it is so important that we take advantage of of this time period

1:01 because this is how we lay the foundation for higher order thinking like motivation problem solving skills emotional regulation the ability to understand and manage and communicate our emotions as well as communication skills and planning and delayed gratification now it's not to say we don't have the possibility to develop these skills later in life but it becomes harder and why do that why not while your child is is in this window of Rapid development why not take advantage

1:34 of it so that we can lay a strong foundation so they have the keys to success so that's what we're going to talk about in this episode are five really important skills to start teaching your child by the time they are five now the key word is to start this is not to say your child should be proficient they should be a master at these skills now what I am saying in this episode are these are the skills to

1:58 pay attention to to start start teaching your child these skills and planning those seeds so that when they transition into their school age years they are set up for Success so let's dive into it number one how to share their feelings in respectful ways now emotional intelligence is the foundation to a lot of other skills including socializing and pursuing and doing well in academics and so it is a skill that I teach at

2:29 length inside of my parenting program positive Discipline Academy but here are some quick tips to get you started number one is during infancy and early toddler years you want to start to help your child identify feelings so we know that when we have a label for how we feel or an experience that we have felt we are better able to understand ourselves and the world around us so it's so important to put a name to your

2:56 child's feelings and so you can start as early as infancy as introducing them to baby books baby faces with different facial expressions babies love to look at faces and they're also learning from your different facial expressions and the things that you naturally already do so it's just about maximizing those everyday experiences and you can add in books as a way to help further their knowledge and so you point out like ooh baby's feeling sad ooh baby's angry mad

3:28 baby and those kinds of things I'll go ahead and Link some of my favorite children's books for babies Toddlers and preschoolers that focuses on the topic of feelings but it's so important to start this process early and then just continue to consistently talk about feelings and you can use children's books as a way to normalize feelings bring up the topic in a more approachable and engaging way number two along those lines is to start to identify the feelings of characters in

4:01 books movies TV shows regularly identify their feelings or when you're out in public and let's say another little one is having a hard time erupting in a tantrum you can say oh baby is sad yes they're sad right now or they're really mad and then you want to point out your child's feelings whenever they're feeling mad or sad or scared just look for those opportunities when they're experiencing an intense emotion especially anger sadness and fear you

4:33 want to help them have words you want to help them have language for those feelings so that they can start to understand what it is they're experiencing in real time now you can do this process whenever they're trying to communicate a need let's say they're whining they're crying tantruming or otherwise trying to express how they feel with sounds their body and their feelings so you want to help them learn how to communicate they're feeling with their words and so you can say hm it

5:03 sounds like you're feeling frustrated right now or you're really sad is that right so you want to check in with them about you know if you've labeled that feeling correctly and then you teach them how to say what it is they're trying to communicate oh you need help you can say help please or you would like a turn with the toy you could say turn please or toy please or you would like a snack it seems like you're hungry

5:26 you can say snack please so you're just trying to to plant those seeds of communication how to bridge the gap between having a need and feeling a really intense emotion and then clearly communicating that need so that people can help you and everybody is on the same page now again these are higher level skills that are going to take time right development takes time development happens in the relationship right development is relational and so whenever you're taking time to slow down

5:59 the process help your child identify what they're feeling and what they're needing and then teaching them and coaching them on the words they can use to get their needs met it's not that they're going to say it right away but you're planting those seeds and over time they will learn it so let's say you have a early toddler they're barely talking it's not appropriate to ask them to repeat what you say but you can still say those words so that they're picking

6:24 them up and then as they get older 3 four they can start to use those words you can start to pause give them a chance to say it and then end the moment with lots of you know encouragement and yes okay thank you for telling me what you need now it's so much easier to help you and things like that okay number two is how to understand and assert their body boundaries this one is really important and as your child picks up

6:49 this skill it's going to cut back on a lot of frustration and a lot of interpersonal conflict because they're going to have the words to be able to assert what they need and they're also going to be able to pick up on what other people are trying to assert and respecting other people's body boundaries so as they're interacting with you and their siblings and peers you want to get into the habit of training your brain to identify what

7:14 your child is trying to communicate and then giving them the words to communicate those needs along with what I said in point one but you want to be very specific so a lot of the times commonly what kids need in social interactions is they need more more space they need either physical space like they need some separation some distance from somebody else or they need emotional space like they want to be left alone like just leave me alone I'm

7:40 trying to focus here or they need a toy they want a toy return they want something like that or they want to play with another child often times it looks like the child is focused on the toy but really they're focused on the child and they want to interact with the toy bonus you know points or like slight tangent for early toddlers a toy is seen as an extension of themselves so commonly what you'll see is they didn't want the toy

8:05 until somebody else wanted the toy and then they're like okay give me that because that is mine that is an extension of who I am it's very tied up into their identity and it doesn't make a lot of sense to us looking on the outside but to them it makes a lot of sense that's mine give me that back right so you want to help them find the word so they're not yanking things out of people's hands pushing getting

8:28 aggressive yelling help them find the words to get what they need or at least to try to get what they need and to try to communicate other times kids need for another child to stop bothering them or again they want more play and interaction but they don't know how to ask for that in a healthy way so in general it's crucial that we do our best to observe the interactions as they're happening so that we can help each child

8:53 identify what they need what they're trying to communicate and then also helping the other child who's on the receiving end respect that person's boundaries and so let's say that a child is getting really frustrated or they're even getting aggressive they're trying to push another child away you can say something like hm it seems like you need space you can say space please and then you help the other child respect their boundary now let's say a child is not

9:23 able to articulate their boundary either they're an infant they're toddler or an early community Communicator then you want to help other child understand the social cues right it looks like she doesn't like that she's turning red she's getting fussy she seems upset I think she's asking you for space and then you just help the child respect that other baby or child's boundary but it's really important help children understand social cues I mean it's easy for us to look at the cues and be like

9:54 look like pay attention but for kids they're still learning this especially if you have little one and so just taking time to point it out very explicitly and then take the lead in communicating okay what does that person need or what are you trying to communicate so some things you want to teach your little one to say is space please I don't like that no thank you please give that back those kind of things so that they can learn how to

10:23 assert their boundaries and then it's also equally important to help your child understand how to resp expect somebody else's boundaries and so you want to teach them the concept of space and body bubble and that everybody has a right to their own space and that we don't want to get into somebody else's body bubble without asking for permission and there's a great resource there's a great book called my body what I say goes and it talks about you know

10:51 how our body is special and we are the bosses of our own body and also we need to respect other people's body boundaries and so check out that book I'll go ahead and Link it down below and also some other ones that I like around this topic but it's so important to plant these seeds early on so that they get to school and they are successful and they know how to make good friendships and be a good friend so the

11:17 number three thing to start teaching your child before they hit the age of five is various coping skills there's a lot to say around this topic and this might be a whole topic an episode in and of itself but I think it's so important for us parents to understand and remember that we are our child's primary emotional regulator especially during the early years our child's primary way of coping is us it is called co-regulation where they learn how to

11:48 self soothe regulate their nervous system through being in relationship with us right and having that secure attachment so it's so important that we're tuned with their cues and we meet their emotional needs as best as possible right this is really how we set our child up for success is having that healthy and secure attachment and this goes back to meeting their emotional needs and being their source of comfort and coping and so when we talk about

12:19 helping kids develop coping skills sometimes I roll my eyes because I'm like we are their coping skill and it's not that we want them to be overly dependent on us but especially in the early years we are the ones that are tasked with helping our child develop coping skills and over time of course as our child gets older and they mature and they become more independent they're going to learn and acquire new ways of coping but I just want to add that

12:47 caveat cuz I don't think we speak to that enough in this space nothing regulates a child more than having a supportive caring adult in their Corner this is not about forcing a child to practice A coping skill or forcing them to do something in the moment when they're already having a hard time right coping skills are best when they are self-initiated and not forced this is about introducing our child to various coping skills building upon what they

13:17 already naturally love to do and are soothed by and most importantly modeling what does it look like to regulate our emotions and this comes down to focusing on oursel right Focus focusing our own on our own patience and regulating our own emotions and then showing our child in real time what that looks like so some ideas for coping skills to start to introduce your child to is the idea of taking a break right being able to step

13:47 back when a task is overwhelming or too frustrating in that moment and teaching them our brains can't think clearly when we're frustrated we have to take some time to calm our body IES down first so that we can think clearly problem solve and face the challenge it's not that we're giving up it's that we're taking a break and this is often what our bodies need most so that we can move forward number two going to another area when

14:15 someone else is bothering us this is a major coping skill right let's say their sibling is bothering them teaching them they have the power over the situation to move their body and then if the other sibling is following them when they don't want to be followed then that's on us to help the other children respect the child's boundaries but just teaching your child you can get up and leave right you don't need to be in this space

14:37 you can leave and go to another space number three asking an adult for help is a big one versus responding impulsively and with anger number four is taking care of their bodies understanding their body cues understanding what their body is trying to say and then meeting their needs accordingly also engaging their senses so anytime we engage in our child's uh sight their hearing their sense of smell taste touch we are engaging their senses and it has a

15:08 calming effect so whether that's playing in the water or kinetic sand or slime or smelling something yummy or touching something that's soft and soothing this is going to have a calming effect on your child a lot of the times another thing is movement movement is a huge coping skill so whenever we're dancing stretching doing yoga running around moving our body in some way we are coping we are practicing A coping skill and also creativity and distraction so

15:38 and sometimes these things go hand in hand but whenever we can use creative Outlet to express ourself Express how we feel that is going to also help with coping and sometimes we need to distract ourselves sometimes we need to distract oursel in something healthy like reading a book or working on a project or talking to somebody about something else so that we can come back to whatever it is that's bothering us a little bit stronger right sometimes we can't solve

16:04 it all at that one moment and that's okay it's the only problem is when we over rely on distraction and we don't actually deal with the problem at hand now do you notice something about those coping skills that I mentioned there are things nine times out of 10 you already do right you're already moving around dancing and grooving you're already practicing art you're already you know taking baths and doing water play and other kinds of creative things like

16:29 these are the things you already naturally do and that's what I love to emphasize to kids right is that coping skills are things that we're naturally drawn to and that we love and yes we will slowly introduce new things but a lot of the times we already kind of have a sense of what we like and so it's about helping our child understand that these things help soothe their bodies they help calm their bodies they help

16:55 soothe their nervous system and meet their needs for expr expression and creativity and joy right that these are already the things that they're doing and so helping them just make that link in their brain that whenever I do this it has a calming effect on my body coping skills are also very highly individual meaning what is going to help me cope is not necessarily going to be the same for what helps you cope that's the same for your children you know

17:22 different children have different needs and interests and also for the time of the day or a different day or a different season right what used to help me might not still help me now and that's okay and sometimes we got to be creative but again these are things that you're already probably naturally doing so you don't necessarily need to run out to Pinterest and get all of these ingredients and activities I mean you know I love a good Pinterest moment and

17:45 if you're feeling inspired or your child is really feeling inspired by all means but don't feel pressured to do that because it's really not necessary so the best ways for teaching coping skills is to practice when everybody's calm again model how you cope how you calm your body down and follow your child's lead again this is not about forcing them to do something they don't want to do this is going to actually have a negative reaction right and they're going to be

18:14 less likely to enjoy those things you want it to come from them you want them to take a deep breath because they're feeling inspired to do so what you can do when you're having a hard moment is say I'm having a hard time my body body is feeling really stressed intense I'm going to take some time to relax close my eyes take a deep breath and you do that and slowly you start to talk about oh okay I feel

18:42 better my mind is feeling clearer I noticed that oo I'm feeling a little bit more comfortable in my body Etc so you just start to model and plant those seeds but this is not about telling our child go take a deep breath right go sit down go read a book right ideally this is is coming from them now when they're feeling overwhelmed you can absolutely you know offer a a suggestion ooo I noticed we're having a hard moment right now do you

19:07 think it would be helpful to you know change and do something else or go read a book or maybe we should have a dance part and get up and move around a little bit what do you think right so you're it's collaborative it's an invitation but it's not done by force or like punishment if you will okay number four skilled is start to teach your child before they hit five is the power of yet and how to persist despite difficulty

19:34 right I can't do that yet I don't know how to read yet I don't know how to ride a bike yet I can't draw that the way I Envision it in my mind yet especially in the early years you want to focus on creating a home environment that's empowering and warm and focused on connection especially during times of stress and mishaps and in tense feelings you want your child to know that they can come to you when they make a mistake

20:03 that you're not going to judge them or punish them and you also want to teach them that brains get stronger over time you know our brain is like a muscle and the more we practice something the better we get at it and mistakes are how we learn that is a big Mantra that I'm always saying to my girls is mistakes are how we what and they say learn mistakes are how we learn we are learning when we make mistakes so I'll

20:28 point out you know oh yeah you made a mistake there but now you're about to learn something so I spin it as a positive and that is so important for their growth mindset you want them to understand that learning is not linear it's not a straight line to the top and there's you know inevitable ups and downs and dips and grooves that happen along the way and that is good that is a part of the process that is nothing to

20:52 fear it has nothing to do with our capabilities or who we are as a person right as long as we can see it as the path to growth right as long as we approach it with that mindset so you want to use everyday experiences so some examples of everyday experiences that happen that are crucial learning moments for your child are whenever they're faced with a challenge or they're learning a new skill like potty training writing a bike reading drawing or

21:20 whenever they make a mistake like they spill a drink or they react on impulse and they whack their sister those are opportunities for growth also whenever they share intense feelings or there's a conflict that they're going through either with a peer or a sibling or with you or they're having trouble with listening right they're not being as Cooperative if we as the parent can see these everyday moments and conflict and mistakes and mishaps as opportunities for growth then we will help our child

21:51 see it in that way as well and number five skill to teach your child before they hit the age of five is how to control contribute to their family and their community in meaningful ways right young children already love to be helpful so it's about in being intentional about inviting them on ways to get involved whether it is unloading the dishwasher or feeding the pet or watering the plants or picking up trash help them get involved and point out

22:19 your appreciation and gratitude for their contribution this is how they're going to see that they have value and importance in the family as well as the community now you can start chores or like what I like to call you know family jobs or family offerings you can start this as early as one right if they can walk they can go and pick up something and put it in the trash right if they can walk and pick up a toy the idea is

22:45 they can walk and pick up some trash and they would love to that's the thing we don't they don't see it in this way they see it as helping out and so getting them involved in the early years is going to do wonders for the years to come now I have videos on like how to get our child more involved in chores if you're struggling with motivation so I'll go ahead and Link that down below I

23:06 also have a free chore checklist with comes with that comes with age appropriate chore ideas as well as a chore chart just to help keep everybody organized and accountable so you can go to the mom psychologist. chores to download that free check list and just keep in mind that development takes time development is relational what we're doing in the early years is we are planting these seeds and just know it takes time but with consistency and patience your child

23:35 will pick up on these skills so again in summary you want to teach your child how to understand and express their feelings how to assert their body boundaries how to cope and different coping skills they can try out the power of yet and how to see mistakes and failure in a positive way and then how to contribute to their family and their community in meaningful ways so let me know down in the comments if you're tuning in on YouTube what

24:02 skills you're currently struggling with when it comes to teaching your child and that will inspire future episodes and thank you so much for tuning in and I'll see you in the next episode bye