The power of learning in community

0:00 [Music] an action group is like the magic sauce that five minutes of bringing intention to your parenting to even have the reflective thought of like what am I working towards what am I willing to commit to what's the next smallest step that I could take that is the magic sauce

0:31 because intellectually we can read all the things we can listen to all the modules we can listen and read all the books or the podcasts but it's it's where the your intuition your mind and your body come together to actually experientially put it into practice and each and every part of this action group is a mirror for myself and I also get to mirror back things to them and that is is the gift hello and welcome to the

1:02 your parenting Mojo podcast do you have a small group of parent friends who are there for you no matter what these people would hear you and hold you in your lowest moments when nothing seems to be going right and wouldn't judge you and would instead reflect back to you exactly the version of yourself that you like to see in your best moments as a parent these friends would offer insights into the struggles you're facing and while they wouldn't parent

1:31 exactly the same way that you do they're aligned enough that their suggestions are something you would at least consider doing and they only offer you advice if you say you want it they wouldn't be offended if you said I just want a vent today and you wouldn't feel like a burden to them because you would know that another day things will be going better for you and another parent will be having a hard day and you'll be

1:54 there to hold them just as they held you and why does it matter if if other parents understand us well when we see ourselves reflected back by other people who care we access a better version of ourselves we realize that we can cope with things that previously seemed so shameful that we could never admit them when others perceive us as the parents that we wished we could be it helps us to actually be that parent more of the

2:22 time today I'm going to introduce you to not just one amazing parent not even two of them but six of them and they have exactly the kind of relationship that I just described and you're going to hear exactly how it works so here's what's going to happen so in the parenting membership we have what are called action groups and they meet together every week for 40 minutes a few months ago one group kindly agreed to let me

2:47 record one of their regular sessions leader Katherine told me afterwards that this meeting felt fairly typical to her so it's almost like we'll be a fly on the wall and I watched the recording of this session and then a week later the the group let me crash their regular meeting it was at 7:00 in the morning so I was just about awake and we discussed what I'd heard on the recording and what it's like for each of them to be held in

3:12 this way in this particular Community we'll start off by hearing from the second call recording where I joined the group to chat with them and I've edited the footage of the second call to interpers sections from the first call so you can hear how the initial discussion went and then we talk about what we heard if you're listening to to this as a podcast episode we will insert this music into the background whenever you're hearing the first call when I

3:35 wasn't present to help you keep [Music] track if you don't hear that music you will know that I'm there talking with the participants if you're watching on YouTube obviously it's going to be more obvious because I'll either be on the screen or I won't so don't worry if it sounds complicated we will get the hang of it as we go all right so here we we go so can we begin by one of you explaining to us what an action group is

4:05 so what do you do when do you do it where are you all located well an action group is action stands for accountability Clarity and team and uh We Gather once a week for 40 minutes thereabouts and there's currently six of us in our group and we have about five minutes per person to talk about what our previous steps was from last week um whether we managed to achieve that we didn't um what is our what's our week

4:36 been like and um what is our next step for the next week and because there's six people in our group uh time is a a factor so we try and keep about five minutes per person sometimes we extend over a little bit and and we can always uh come back to that in circle uh to follow up um usually let's see what I think apart from Rachel and myself everyone is on the uh on Eastern on

5:04 eastern time in the US I think Rachel's on Central is that right and I'm in West Australia so it's like uh 12 hours uh difference um yeah cool yeah I think that's something that a lot of parents wonder when they're thinking about joining something like the membership where they think well are people gonna be in my time zone how am I going to connect with people who are actually available when I am and what we found is that it really doesn't

5:29 matter that people are in your time zone because if they're available when you're available they could be anywhere anywhere they like so um so Jody you mentioned next steps what's the next step well next step in our like achie what we want to achieve in our parenting Journey it's like what we want to do um how we wna how we want to show up for our kids a small step um so that uh we know that we're progressing in the right

5:55 direction and even if we don't make that step that's okay um at least we have have the intention of moving forward um and we can keep we can change the step we maybe one step is would be I want to rest for this week because I had a really tough uh couple of weeks I just want to rest and meet my needs and that could be an action step okay and and then you check in with

6:18 the group in the next meeting and see if you were able to to do it what happens if you didn't do it is that going to be trouble uh no not really uh I I think everyone is really understanding everyone is in very similar situations um if we don't make a step uh we don't achieve what we set out to achieve we don't get shamed we don't uh we don't feel bad um we we're just we own it and

6:49 this life life happens and we move on yeah okay awesome thank you and and so I'm imagining you know a a parent who's new to this I have big problems five minutes five minutes how how can five minutes possibly help me what would any of you say to that I think it's the layers of it so it is five minutes each week but because it builds from week to week it adds a consistency and I feel really known by

7:19 the group like maybe one week I talk about my um my my child struggle to share and then the next week I talk about my my child child um eating nutritious food but it just builds and so over the six months like I feel the group members have a really complete picture of of myself and and where I am and my goals yeah I would also say that even if each specific meeting is quote unquote only five minutes one uh I think many of

7:51 us have lived life stages where it's like do you how often do you really get five minutes where there are this many people truly intently listening to what you have to say and offering support like it it is actually kind of rare in some life stages and just life situations or whatever else so there's that the other thing is that um it may be five minutes of chatting but that anchor helps me think about it through

8:22 the whole rest of the week as well you know anything that feedback from other members um or just just knowing that it's coming up next and I'm like oh wait right I had this intention I was going to do something about it like just uh a very benevolent version of a panopticon perhaps of just like knowing that there are folks that are rooting for me and I don't want to let them down either but um in a helpful way not in a oh yet

8:50 another obligation kind of way yeah and I I one more followup question there's so many more things I could ask um Katherine really owns her non-expert status even though obviously she knows a lot and I think a lot of parents think well what would I actually get out of being in a group where the person who's leading the group is just kind of floundering along like I am right I need an expert to tell me what to do here um

9:20 I'm curious about anyone who's not Katherine C can you say what it's like to be supported in this by a you know self-acknowledged nonex expert who who does obviously still know a lot does it matter P you I think that for me I find that when I present a problem I have an opportunity to practice my needs my wants and to go through the the process of knowing I'm not going to be judged how to get through a problemsolving

9:52 scenario and um hear other people present their needs and wants and contribute to that idea to continue to reinforce it from like my head to my heart to my actions and how it plays out and the intentionality of all week thinking about that even knowing I want to present it to my Action Group I find that it helps me integrate it I I taken the additional step of downloading it to my phone so whenever something comes up

10:20 I have used this in meetings and it's becoming it's going from like uncomfortable to becoming more um integrated into my life life to becoming a much more thought this is the way I'm thinking so it's changing the way I'm thinking in a way that I don't know it didn't do before but the action group has definitely um made it more part of who I am an action group is like the magic sauce that five minutes of bringing

10:51 intention to your parenting to even have the reflective thought of like what am I working towards what am I willing to commit to what's the next smallest step that I could take that is the magic sauce because intellectually we can read all the things we can listen to all the modules we can listen and read all the books or the podcasts but it's it's where the your intuition your mind and your body come together to actually

11:23 experientially put it into practice and each and every part of this action group is mirror for myself and I also get to mirror back things to them and that is is the gift um and Katherine which she's wonderful but she's not an expert but but even like her being willing to be vulnerable and share the things she's not getting quite right allows all of us to go this isn't this I'm not getting this quite right and and I'm still gonna

11:52 keep playing around with it um so that the curiosity is super helpful and um the the normalizing that sometimes like I came in I had a plan I had my computer the battery was dead you know how much does that happen with our kids like we have a plan and then like their gas tanks like they've over stimulated or whatever they are way on empty and we didn't realize it so we have to like pivot and then we you know

12:19 use a camera on our phone and it's like upside down like yeah sometimes you're like this should work and it it turns out upside down and it's not working and instead of like getting stuck in the like banging your head against a wall and keep doing the same thing this Action Group helps me to go oh yeah that didn't work let me be curious about that what didn't work about that maybe it's not what works here even though my mind

12:44 thinks it should it's not what's working so it allows me to Pivot much quicker to go let's try this other thing or let's see what happens if I do this um so it's also like an idea generator um but think most of what like I find here is a space where you get other perspectives and some years back but this really each of us holding that that we all have our own inner wisdom and connecting with that and our

13:17 knowledge of our own kids is really what helps us most effectively get to where we want to go so those are my thoughts thanks Katie appreciate it that's uh it's really awesome awesome to hear amazing to hear so you all were kind enough to let me record one of your regular calls and what I'd like to do is to play back some of the pieces of the calls that that really stuck out to me and I ask you kind of what was happening

13:44 now you've had a week of separation between that call and today when we're recording this session and I'd love to hear just a little bit more about your thought process and how you're supported by by your group by your community in these calls so um Katherine you went first on the call last week and you shared how you don't want to have your son think that he's disappointing you like you always seem to disappoint your own parents and you practice gratitude

14:08 toward him okay my action St from last week I believe was to try to do um a gratitude practice for my son my my oldest who's six um because I just felt like I was getting into a space of being kind of nitpicky with him like just having shorter patience for him compared to my other two kids who are younger just expecting more of him um because

14:39 he's older uh and just like the particular ways in which he was reaching out for affection were like he he he he he he will do a sort of a lot of draping his uh legs over mine or like light brushing touches that my body is not enjoying right like a um i' read a thing recently where uh oftentimes like if you're if you're feeling over touched by your kids a lot

15:10 of it is like the the light brushing Sensations as compared to like a more solid deep hug kind of that with like more pressure on your joints is more grounding and smoothing um and I found that to be totally the case for me um so anyway the upshot of it was like it was really helpful to have set that intention and know that I would could be accountable to youall for reporting back and to try to like okay every day like

15:40 at least basically like every day say at least one nice thing to him about something he's done that I really appreciate and to make myself stop and notice um when he's being really loving towards his siblings even if a few minutes later it's not like that um or just something he's helping us out with even if he's grumbling a little bit about it uh or whatever else and um I don't know if he or anyone else

16:09 necessarily noticed but I felt better about it for having this intention like it's very much more the kind of relationship that I'm working towards right where um yeah I said to my own parents once uh that I you know I I don't have the data for this but the way that it has always felt to me is that I was born and that was like the peak of my potential in their eyes and I've just been

16:39 disappointing them ever since it's just been downhill since then um because they would often you know when they were lecturing me or my sister about something that we've disappointed and they would they would think back to like a a you know like oh like you a couple years ago you used to like blah blah blah something that was better and I was like I don't what I remember from that time period was that we were disappointing you then as well so I just

17:04 like it's a very different perspective so um I've just reflecting on that like I don't want my kids to feel like I'm always exasperated with them which was um the direction I was leaning in a little bit so so yeah that was good I I'm going to try to keep up but I think my next step this week is building off of the success of that so you said it felt good to set that step and to be

17:26 held accountable for it so how did help I think it's interesting for choosing a Next Step often that uh like I I want to set a goal that I I am actually kind of excited about in a way you know that there may be some portion of like look I I've been doing there's been a pattern of behavior I'm not especially proud of um but I've taken the steps to try to be vulnerable to share it with others that I know care

17:53 about me and my family um and to then feel like okay there's something that I want to reach towards um that I want to do better on and throughout the week I think it's just it's so easy to expend all of my energy on like outward facing outside of the family you know like being professional at work or like keeping up other appearances or whatever else and then be depleted and not be at my best self for my kids and my husband

18:25 um who are actually the relationships that are most most important to me and so to set that sort of action step and think about it throughout the week because I know I I want to report back to the other folks in the group about how things went um it's just to feel agency over steering my life to truly live my own values more feels amazing like I just feels really solid even if I'm not 100% successful all the

18:58 time it's in the right direction and so it just fills me with hope and optimism yeah we we need that hope and optimism sometimes right to keep us going through the hard moments thank you and then Rachel the group did some brainstorming for you on your son's possible needs when he was taking toys from his younger sister my son is um this this is some like fighting with his sister who's one and I I would love your help to Iden Identify

19:29 some needs so I'm I'm going to try to tell the story as if I just have a a video recorder and you know without judgment so say I walk into the room and my four-year-old um is in the process of taking a toy out of the hands of his sister and he'll say like this is mine I had it first and usually I'll say something like and we don't take toys out of the hands of the other person and

19:59 I I am feeling frustrated by this interaction because I just see it happening a lot you know where my son is he's um physically taking objects from his sister's hands um his sister's up his sister then cries and um I I don't always know how to problem solve in the moment so I just invite some comments like do you know what could you help me identify what my son might be needing um and if you have any

20:26 suggestions on what I might do to um help meet those needs and love your love your thoughts yeah I um I think that is really tough to handle when you have when you're watching these play out and like the siblings are at an age difference and relative and absolute where you're like the one you know you feel very defensive of your younger child I'm sure right I do I do right and so but but I I also try to be fair so if

21:00 the one-year-old is trying to take a toy from the four-year-old like I try to have that rule we don't take from each other's hands um but I do but it does bother me of course when I see the four-year-old doing it because I um I do I guess have the expectation or hope that he wouldn't um wouldn't grab yeah yeah and do you have a sense of um whether you know some potential needs I might brainstorm here that he's he is in

21:28 fact experimenting with what her reaction to his doing this you know cuz I think a lot of it it can be about um they're experimenting with relationship interactions like if I do this what will happen to another person or do you feel like it's more directed to to you or other adult caregivers around like if I do this then I will get this kind of reaction from the adults or is it like he's curious and in

21:58 like he isn't in fact interested in something that she happened to pick up first and so he wants to like or is he trying to play with her I don't know those are yeah those are all wonderful brainstorming and maybe what I can do this week is my action step is um Journal so when I see um the four-year-old doing these behaviors I can just write down the observations like kind of when this happens maybe put

22:21 some context of like what happened just before is he doing it because I walk into the room um or is he um is it seem a little bit more spontaneous and then bring my Reflections back to you guys next week um because then maybe I'll be able to help identify the needs is it a connection with his sister is it a connection with me um that he's looking for or is he looking more for a sense of

22:45 autonomy like because that could be also be part of it um yeah so thanks for helping me brainstorm that I just wanted to State it out loud um think about it a objectively yeah it's so that's so common yeah and I was thinking also is your daughter actually upset she does get upset when if if he pulls it from her then there there's tears okay I think about her reaction is it how is she responding and is it if it doesn't

23:17 bother her let it be true yeah that's true and you're right I should so she C out like you know not every time there's tears sometimes she'll just like redirect to another toi um but still it's still you're right like it's it's always that choice like do I let it be or do I still say like hey like that that's not something that we do in our house like we don't pull from other people um and maybe even just by taking a

23:45 journal like I can see how often this is happening because of course as I'm seeing it and something that I don't like and so maybe it's becoming a bigger problem in my head than it actually is to the children so what did you take out of those ideas and where did you go next with it after discussing with the group I decided to observe and write down when my son took toys away from his sister and I discovered that he took toys away

24:08 that he has deemed special so for example he took a book away from a sister because he had recently received it as a gift so it was his book and he told that to me when I asked him and so we had a family conversation at dinner when we were all calm and fed and he decided he'll keep his special toys and books on his bed so that a sister won't access them but also that we um

24:34 his mom and dad will know what ones are really special for him because sometimes it gets confusing and so through journaling I also realized that my son doesn't take items as frequently as I perceived he took toys three times this past week and so when my husband and I looked at the notes we decided that he has a need for more autonomy and have come up with different ways he can grow in New skills so but the group helped me

24:58 say accountable to that because I knew I was going to report back to them that um so that they could either celebrate the win with me or help me brain storm further yeah wow and and so yeah the impression I definitely got when I watch the recording is this happening this is happening all the time right multiple times every day very different yeah right so that helped as well just to be able to be like oh what's reality and what's my

25:24 perception yeah yeah fantastic thank you if I just wanted to also um like using a lot of the phrasing we have is that I feel like Rachel in doing this journaling that help you meet your needs as well specifically we often talk about a need for competence as a parent like I think a lot of us especially with kids under the age of five there's this deep secret fear that you are raising a sociopath of some kind and just like you

25:52 just like one small thing happens wrong and you're just like what if this is like always the case they're like never going to be um fully functioning adults who are kind and other values that we hold and just like the the catastrophizing I don't know how you pronounce that word properly but but like it's so easy to fall into that path and um it sounds like way more manageable um to talk to him about it my

26:17 husband and I we frequently go to bed and we look at each other and we're like maybe we're just doing it wrong and so it's helpful to come to the group and be like are we doing it wrong are we doing it right your stories yeah and so we often find I think there's like okay there's like some areas for improvement like you can problem solve together as a family and feel like you're collaborating and not

26:40 like it's a parents versus children trying to whip them into civilized States or anything definitely yes okay thank you thank you for that and and so Beth you were talking through a challenge that you were having getting ready for upcoming holidays and all Katherine did was ask you a simple question about what you want and you realized what the underlying issue was right that you have a need for rest that hadn't been accounted for in your planning so far

27:09 and then of course it seemed like that was sort of a chronic issue I'm worried about the long holiday break coming up and how to handle that because I don't have any real scheduled downtime unless family kind of takes her she's not in any camps or anything um and so I kind of want to um between screen time problem solving and connection kind of want to figure something out in

27:41 advance um but yeah I'm not quite sure how to do that other than like to try to have conversations with her [Music] um but I think something in that Arena should be my focus for this week maybe or the next couple of weeks until until it pops up um because yeah it's I'm the fact that I'm not going to get much downtime is um going to make

28:13 it I I struggle with that a lot um I don't know if anyone has any thoughts suggestions my thoughts on this are a bit malformed or recent um when is the holiday break 21st I think is when her starts so a couple weeks more from now yeah yeah 21st is the first day is like the

28:44 Thursday before Christmas and then it's a two week break I think almost are you thinking more that um you want you're thinking ahead for seeing if there are ways to build in more downtime for yourself by arranging schedule or help or such or is it more you want to see if you can raise start raising the conversation with her um to talk about your need for rest and both

29:15 of your needs for connection and and and participating brainstorming I think it's the latter and I've been thinking about it more this is telling um more around her need for connection and not including myself in the equation um as per usual so yeah I need for rest H um historically she's been um a bit resistant to my needs

29:49 so yeah um maybe maybe that's the the point I mean I think I think the the action step is probably to have those problem solving conversations but maybe what I could use a little input on is if anyone's had any luck raising that awareness in their

30:21 5-year-old with any success so if anybody does have input on that like we can do that in the chat and and because Beth that's such a such a question Contin to talk about that I'll have Shar next if you're yeah no thank you um that helped me to clarify because I was kind of un uncertain about how to move forward and yeah thanks for helping me get to that realization for sharing

30:54 so since rest is seems to be kind of a consistent of yours I'm curious about how being with your Action Group helped you to see this in a way that was apparently more difficult to access by yourself yeah this is something that I've been working on um in my therapy sessions as sort of a me issue and I keep trying to figure out how to notice myself in the equation but I hadn't quite made that connection to seeing

31:23 myself in parenting situations when I'm focused on my my daughter's needs um and uh so yes this is a chronic issue I have a bit of a blind spot generally and I think um that a combination of things from the group has helped one is just having that that Weekly touch Point um where it keeps coming up and where I'm making some of these these Connections in my brain and and externally um between parenting and

31:56 self and really pulling those closer together integrating them um so the group kind of knows this about me and so it comes up a lot um and uh and I think the other aspect is um hearing other people in the group bring it up in their own situations as well helps me start to recognize it more and then of course a very pointed question like Catherine's all of those combined have

32:28 just given me more um more practice from different angles so that I'm starting to notice it more I wouldn't say consistently yet but it's it was such an aha moment um that uh that the the lack of recognizing that was was such a an eye opener I guess yeah yeah so integrating all the different threads of

32:59 what's happening in your life in a way that it's hard to do by yourself sometimes a reflective listener can make that happens yeah yeah exactly and I'm an only parent so I don't get those moments of rest very often unless my child is at school and um yeah and I'm often at home alone so in those moments I don't have others reflecting that back so thanks super thank you and pedu your next step was so

33:32 simple right apologizing to your son for speaking to him in a way that wasn't aligned with your values and it really just seemed like an oh of course moment for you I was listening to I ran a conversation with uh a podcast from Jen her most recent one and talking about um disrupting power dynamics and I was thinking about my child today he unbuckled himself because he got really hot and I was really upset because I was

34:01 just about to drive off and that meant there's no way and I was like uh what are you doing we're going to be late and I told you I need to be on time like why I was so hot I had to do it and and at first I was really well no I was very upset and I was talking to that and then later when I calmed down in the car ride I was able to say like I don't like that

34:22 you did that because of it it slowed me down and then I was like I need you never to do that again and then I caught myself cuz I was thinking about the conversation and I was like but actually does that work for you like could you have done anything different and he goes no I was really really hot I had to take it off and the only way I could do it was to take off my and I was like

34:43 sitting with it thinking oh dang he has a point like what can I do except to just sit with the fact I didn't enjoy it and I was like okay this is a change I think I can accept I don't I don't feel like I feel like I still actually need to go back to him because I feel I didn't resolve the way I didn't treat him really well but I was able to and that's the thing I don't know how

35:08 exactly to but I was able to correct myself and say okay since it doesn't work for you even though I said you cannot do that disregard what I said that's not that was too top like I didn't want that top down I wanted it to be more collaborative and I was able to correct the collaborative but I wasn't able to address the emotional so those are two two things I'd love some help um just to check is there more you

35:31 you you feel like you have some more repair that you wanted to check in with him about um or is it okay yeah yeah um and uh did you had you apologized to him for your initial reaction is that something that you want to do that's a good point I don't think I actually said I'm sorry yeah that's probably what is that's a good

36:05 point I'm like you jumped ahead like okay I want to fix it and then I like out loud to the other person I'm sorry sorry that's probably why it doesn't feel settled right yeah a close oh that's the point I mean that's pretty simple I appreciate that you can do that you can do that yeah I can do that it's available do that that I also just want to chime man say like this is just it

36:30 sounds normal like this is all like normal interactions like this happens to everyone just in case you're ever feeling like ah like I'm doing it wrong like this um I just that feelings of like exasperation or frustration or like my need for safety like is conflicting with your need for Comfort or whatever the conflict was with the Christmas decorations of like like we want to celebrate you said like it feels bigger and just like the emotions are bigger

36:54 too because there's a little bit more weight with it um and so I think what I just wanted to celebrate and acknowledge what you're doing which is taking the time to reflect after like after the emotions have passed to think you know how do I repair how can I do it differently um and that is it's just a really beautiful work that you're doing so that's what I that's what I want to say I was recognizing that too like I I

37:21 feel like this week we're having a theme of you know like sort of external obligations we feel beholden to of like a time like not enough time going to be late rushing like you're probably driven by fear uh p as well right like that if if that had happened and you hadn't known about it he'd be unsafe and that's like very Primal Fear for a parent obviously um and yet to even have the self-awareness to like catch ourselves

37:51 after the fact that want to not just brush it away and hide our shame or whatever is to say like okay that didn't that didn't go the way that I wanted I want to do better next time and I recognize it like this is really great modeling for the kids too right like it's okay to make mistakes and you can repair after I'd love to not make mistakes in the first place but I am but a human

38:18 [Music] being be so great and so I'm wondering if is there something about just describing these kinds of situations out loud to people who care for you and who care about you make it easier for you to get to that next step because it seems as though you could just think about this stuff yourself right um so so what is it about being with the group that enables this process to happen for you I think it has to do with just again

38:49 integrating it from my head to my heart and making it something that is consistent in the way I do life and I I don't easily apologize I find that I'm a very intentional person and I try to do things like I feel like I thought it through like I was like we ready to go like even in that scenario for I thought I handled you know I feel like I'm very intentional and I'm very particular

39:21 about things and so even that simple step of not apologizing like I I knew I was in the wrong I felt something was off but I couldn't even articulate the what was off about what I did I think that that Maring back has been just helpful for me to um really integrate into myself the changes that I'm seeking is the change and and um you know create a home in which um we are

39:52 doing the workout disrupting um the changes that I've been seeking for I have very intentional Bob family values in our on our home and um I'm holding myself accountable and I'm doing my own work yeah absolutely thank you um and Jody I know doing your own work as a theme for you as well and I know you have a somewhat challenging relationship with your parents that we've been you know talking about in a bunch of different forums and

40:20 uh so ped you really reflected something to you right this idea of acceptance rather than trying to force forgiveness for your parents that really seemed to resonate for you basically I was having a full-on argument with my mother um over WhatsApp and this took the entire day because between each message it was like a you know 20 40 minute Gap um of the response and reply and response and reply so it just dragged out the whole

40:50 day um the plus side was there was a built-in pause uh um but at the same time I would be filing for 15 minutes uh with with the stuff that she says you know I I would I would say you know this this is a boundary um this is my boundary this is what I'm not willing to do and then she would say something uh like um I can't remember what it was um exactly but it

41:22 it felt like it violated that boundary and that really really got me fuming um that multiple multiple times multiple needs um I I I would fume I would cool down and then I would TR identify what was the need that wasn't being met um like like for example she she she likes to end uh she likes to respond with just a whole line of emojis I'm going this does not make sense like

41:54 why are you doing that can you we're having a serious conversation can you please not do like a whole line of emojis or or like a single GIF or something to to respond and after I said that the first thing that came back was the the the O Okay Emoji I'm like what the fish is happening like I just said that like why would you do something like that um yeah so it was a lot of that going on

42:25 and yeah so at the end the day I was really drained um and I tried using the the uh module 2 parenting as a team like the self start approach is that okay um I I'm feeling hurt right now because uh you know this this this doesn't doesn't work for me and um uh H how how do you feel about that um can't you know can can we talk about it and so we finally have a discussion

42:55 about it um and and we brought up about um things of my past like the uh what what they've done to hurt me in the past how it's um um how I how I felt about it then and and what I want them to do to you know to sort of correct it you know um basically acknowledgement or or some some s some form of acknowledgement and at the end of it I really wanted to forgive them but I just

43:26 couldn't do it um it just wasn't wasn't in me I want to but I just have this I don't know resistance uh it feels like I haven't punished them enough if that is the right braising for it I know it's it sounds mean um yeah J I just wanted to say I uh I have totally been there as well and I I see that it's it's really

43:57 hard to want something from our parents that they are just not able to give you right then like I I heard you were saying like you just want this one thing don't reply with with with just like unintelligible emojis and like take you seriously and your your Mom it sounds like that she she for unknown reasons to us right she just can't right now and and uh you're you're left alone

44:30 from something that's like someone that you really want that support from and um I'm sorry for that it's really hard thanks for no yeah thanks thanks Patrick sorry ped did you did you want to add something yeah I just I felt like when you get you were when I hear you say that you feel like you need to apologize

45:01 I just felt I wanted to share that maybe there's another path and you don't have like I mean the Forgiveness instead of the like the the pressure forgiving them um my background tells me I always only told me there's only one path just forgiveness but um when I experienced a betrayal from my parents I I had to explore other alter and I

45:31 never knew there were other there were other others and I just what like to offer that there that forgiveness is not the only thing out there there's acceptance um as well and I found that much more approachable and something that gave me peace and I want peace for [Music] you that was really Beau so thank yeah thank you I never thought of just not forgiving and just accept instead um I'm

46:04 not sure how that will work but I will definitely have to consider that thank you so how is this sitting for you now Jody um I think it's was such an a a sudden realization for me that it took a while to process um I had to talk through um with with my wife with my my accounted Bud from from Tam your TR Workshop um and when it finally sort of

46:38 when I finally internalized that I could just accept rather than forgive I just felt lighter I mean I was still tired nothing's changed with my parents but I just felt this whole sense of body relief and and yeah it was just from one one suggestion from from pedu and it was such a beautiful suggestion I never would have thought of it myself and it's made the world of difference um for me

47:08 yeah yeah and and so it's it doesn't have to be like a miraculous momentous you know I forgive you now and everything is good but just that simple shift right in perspective can be really powerful in in terms of how you show up in that relationship so yeah yes definitely and um and I think even moving forward now um I sense that I am not reacting

47:40 as um much I'm not triggered as much uh with um when thinking about the the the things that my parents have done to to cause me hurt and yeah so I think it's definitely a step in in the right direction for me wow that's fantastic thank you for sharing that and then Katie you gave a great example of a Next Step that didn't quite make it to completion the previous week and of course the group did not publicly shame

48:11 you for it which people always worried about is what's gonna happen if I don't do my next step and instead you were working towards breaking it down into smaller steps and figuring out why is this thing important to you and that you find so helpful and why is it still been so difficult my goal from last time was to find one small thing I could do consistently to reconnect with myself in the morning I'm G to say I did not type that

48:38 up in our chat and I also did not mostly do that so um this is not new for me last year my goal was to when with the breath work course was to breathe 28 breaths every day seems pretty simple right like 3 minutes of breathing like in a particular way but 3 minutes of breathing like should be so easy to do right it took me eight months to be able to do that and I had to connect with a

49:04 deepest part of myself this attachment part that feels such raw sadness to be like I'm not going to leave her alone anymore so I'm going to breathe with her every day and morning time didn't work so I I found like evening time worked okay so like I found a way that worked for me morning time has always been the hardest so I'm going to give myself Grace gentleness of like this is going to take some time probably and that's

49:32 okay my goal right now is to stay committed to this one thing to give 80% of my attention to staying with this even through the resistance even through what's hard even through like to come every week and be like okay here's where I am with it to not go to other goals because that is what I tend to do I I could tell you 500 other things that I could focus on and so that's my intention is to come back to this one

49:57 and I think for this week I would like to at least once sit down and journal about what's hard about doing that in the what's hard about connecting with myself um for a particular part of myself I know which part is having a hard time but what what's hard about that like to get to understand it a little bit better that seems uh like way way too have compassion for yourself uh for know

50:31 even with last week um that it didn't it didn't wind up with the way that you wanted and finding the way for the new story to tell I I really like that framing that you had there um and also thanks for sharing that even so-called simple things can take months to become reality takes as long as it takes yeah so KY were you able to do that journaling and would you be willing to share what you learned from doing that

51:03 yeah so this this is another example of no I didn't quite do the thing um I didn't do the journaling but for me when I when I get curious and ask the question I may not go and do that thing the way I think I I want to do it but but the asking the question itself kind of guides me through the week so that that question I got of like why what what is hard about this I took with me

51:30 and you know um I generally have therapy after this meeting so that that actually kind of like flowed right into my therapy session and what was hard about it for me I realiz is that a part of myself I call this part the my head part or my getting on with life part or my you know um it's the part of us that acts like nothing happened you know if you had any trauma developmental trauma in your life it's

51:58 it's the going on with life like nothing happened part it's my really highly functioning part um and I realized that as amazing as this part is and as as helpful as this part has been in my life um he feels a lot of Shame and it's the part that historically has not felt any feelings because let's be honest it's really easier to go on with life if you are disconnected from your body and your feelings right um so I've been on this

52:29 journey of uh integrating and and and him starting to feel feelings and I felt the depth of his shame for the first time in my life of just how unredeemable he feels uh like he just keeps getting things wrong and isn't that so much the experience of parenting feeling like you know how you want to show up as a parent you just keep getting things like not quite right um even though you're trying so

53:03 hard to have the best of intentions and um so so why it's hard to do that in the morning is because the type of breath that I do the conscious connected breath it it helps me connect with the deepest parts of myself but it also helps me connect with the highest parts of myself and some people might call that Source Divine God but it's it's accessing something that can hold really deep unconditional love and compassion and and for this part of

53:36 myself my head part it's too much his capacity to take in anything positive or Pleasant is so minuscule small um that it's overwhelming and and that happens with our kids a lot too right um my oldest son like I couldn't give him a compliment for the longest time because it was too much for him like we came up with a code word right and I won't share it because it's secret but so that when I saw him doing

54:01 something that was really hard and amazing for him I could just say this code word so he could take just a little bit of that in um so that's what I'm playing with now it's like once again break breaking it down into the next smaller step of how do I make that love that compassion that understanding so small that my head Park can fully take it in and feel it in a way that doesn't down um so that might be just maybe

54:29 taking one breath with him or that might be um maybe coming up with a code word for him when I see that he's doing something that's really hard and he's doing amazing at it I get to play with that oh that's a lot of deep work yeah yeah yeah super deep thank you thank you so much for sharing that with us and so as we wrap up here I'm wondering open question for everybody right if there's

54:58 somebody who's maybe thinking about joining the parenting membership and you're thinking okay the information is really the core and yeah they have this action group thing but yeah I I don't know what would you want parents to know maybe about action groups in general and maybe even specifically about your Action Group open question for anybody Jody um yeah I'd just like to share my own personal experience uh with this Action Group um when I first joined

55:24 the parenting membership I was a bit apprehensive about action groups I didn't think it was a thing for me but um I I really wanted to show up for the membership and I really wanted to to at least have a goal at at all the things that you presented uh and suggested that we try so I did take it on and I at the beginning it was a bit awkward and you know it was you know

55:54 everyone was still trying to get to know each other and there were times where I just didn't feel like coming on I oh do I have to talk to these people again um but um being said uh the people in my Action Group I confide in with with my most um vulnerable uh moments that I wouldn't even share with uh with my friends like my my my best friends from high school

56:26 um we we don't share the same parenting values um as the people on the outside um and and I can speak to my Action Group uh with what we've learned in the course and and they get it and they get how hard it is and they and they get um that a lot of the things is um um just really hard work and we we stuff up and we keep going and yeah it it's I now I

56:54 really look forward to it um there there a few times I even mentioned that I I I'm here because I want um I am trying to feel my need for connection of being uh to be seen and understood and I know I can get it here wow that's so lovely thank you so much JY really appreciate that when I signed up for an action group I wasn't sure what I was getting into you just sometimes I tend to be a

57:23 joiner like I'll just say yes and then figure out the commitment later um and I also believe in the power of trying something three times is so the first time to experiment get through the awkwardness the second time to tweak and then the third time to optimize so by the third time I showed up at the Action Group I knew that this was a a good group for me um and I think as I've um one of my big epiphanies as a parent is

57:45 that it's not just about me as an individual going through life anymore that just I'm that I'm gathering skills for myself for my career instead like I am part of a family I'm part of a a unit unit and I need to think collectively and so it makes sense to me that I'd also be learning and um integrating as a community as well and I

58:15 I am somebody who's more relational and I'm intuitive and so even though I love reading and researching as P said I how do I move it from my head to my heart like can I do that in relationship so that then I can go you know in relationship with my family and and Implement them um and so it's it's just been a really beautiful like give and take of learning um sharing trusting and and taking all of

58:49 that goodness and and and bringing it to my family that's more to life than research so say it and so thank you Rachel I appreciate that Beth did you want to add something yeah for I mean to to Echo what others have said I think um that connection and Community are core I mean connection is one of my core needs or guess my cherry need probably and community and um

59:22 collaboration are are other needs slash values for me and um as an only parent I don't get a lot of that in the family unit um I'm trying to work on that with my daughter who's five so you know to varying um success at this at this um age and this um amount of practice that we've had and and so I guess I was

59:52 pretty bought into the idea I've had other um experiences where being in a group has been really beneficial to me um I was a little wary of the five to seven minutes stay sort of on track with your action step like I I wasn't so sure that that would give me enough of what I needed from that connection from that group and um that community and um and as we've

60:23 disc as we've talked about already today like it's amazing how well we know each other from just that um just those five to seven minutes um over what six months um like it's I was wrong my my guess about whether it would work or not was totally wrong and um it had value beyond the the value I expected it to have um and I really appreciate so much I have so much

60:54 gratitude for the people this group um for coming and and being there and holding each other and and being part of our community um and I think also for all of the support that um we give each other as we journey and try to um parent more in alignment with our values but also um live in more alignment with our values Beyond parenting because

61:26 everything we're doing with parenting applies elsewhere in our lives I think um like CH will argue with that at all so no not yeah I think it's um it's just been a a really um a profound profoundly helpful experience for me so thank you all I think I think if anybody's on the fence about an action group they should just do it if they want to have that

61:59 accountability and a place a safe place to talk about their things that they aren't doing well or just aren't aren't quite getting right yet and the place where they can share all those wins and have other people celebrate you it this is a good place to experiment and reiterate and celebrate lovely thanks Rachel yeah I'd like to um piggy back off of that celebration because I think an action group no

62:29 matter what stage of your parenting Journey you're on an action group is the best resource and gift you could give yourself um because if you're early on there's so much shame and judgment in the parenting space that an action group helps you to diffuse that shame because shame can't exist when it's spoken and it's held in a in a space of compassion we heal in relationship so being in the space of others that get it that understand the

63:00 challenges and that can hold compassion is so incredibly just a bomb to your soul and the celebration piece is early on like I've learned that for me I like focusing on one thing and mastering that one thing is is what works the best and my first one thing that I that I chose to master was celebrating my wins because it's the celebrating of your wins that helps you get out of the shame

63:31 it helps you it's the fastest way out of Shame is celebrations um and if you can't quite get directly to celebrations then like compassion self-compassion is the the middle route um so that alone helps you early on and if you're later on like me and you've like read all the things and I have all the like multiple parent coaching programs and all the podcasts like I didn't need the intellectual things anymore I mean I can still learn

63:58 some from that but when I joined parenting Mojo and I asked myself you know if I was only able to do one thing what's the one thing that would I that would have the most impact for me um because I'm also a solo parent so I and I'm very Mindful and intentional with how I spend my time and energy that one thing was an action group and so this is the only thing that I'm doing right now with parenting Mojo

64:25 and it's been incredibly useful because for me it is that accountability it is that celebrating that wins it is the yep I tried this thing it didn't work all right next thing so I don't get stuck in the doing the same thing every week over and over again that's not working um so yeah I'm Team Action Group love it I got goosebumps when you were talking about the shame how it helps with that I wanted to share for

64:56 any folks in the audience who if there's anyone who's feeling a little bit like wow this still sounds like kind of touchy feely for me I'm not really a much of a feelings person I just want to share like I'm a software engineer by trade my husband describes my orientation to the world as in God we trust all else must bring data like I'm not really into necessarily a lot of like woooo stuff overall and uh I'm too tired to be doing things

65:27 in life that don't fulfill me some some need in some way right like I'm very ruthlessly R condo I just turned uh 37 over the weekend and every year my birthday wishes the same thing which is like for no one to talk to me or touch me and just leave me alone for the day pretty much all right so I'm a huge introvert and I look forward to this group every single week it's worth it you may have to experience it to believe

65:52 it but it's worth trying very true thank you Katherine had you would you like to add anything I think what I thought was I like to share that I this is actually my second Action Group my first one um they decided to end we weren't able to all to that commitment and but a seed had been planted and I was committed to creating like to doing the work and I

66:24 felt that just showing up was the best I could do at the moment and even this group gave me space to just show up and in it I felt um the capacity to even do more as I was showing up and I was gating skills of really what I was looking for like sometimes when you look at the the framework of of how to do nonviolent communication and how to um integrate your values into your life

66:54 it's hearing in those stories other parents doing it that you're like oh oh sometimes a little light bulbs go off and I find that just like very encouraging maybe it's the way I learn but it's true I feel in community you learn so much together and in relationships and it truly is non-judgmental I don't feel even when I feel something I'm able to name that something that I feel and work on that

67:26 and I know that because I see other people model it and it's true you really are given the space to be you to grow in our commitment of doing this work this change work and um parent in the way that's aligned to what we are what we are saying we want to do and we're not all the same but there is a framework in which we are working with and I feel that helps and our leader uh Katherine is very helpful

67:56 in guiding us through and like even though it's five minutes I think that actually really does help you walk through things in a great way and I don't feel lost I felt like I've been um always encouraged when I don't show up somebody said like oh and I'm I'm like oh I I meant to come and there's still no there's no judgment so I feel like everybody's bringing each other in in in beautiful ways and there's even if you

68:20 think that just showing up is the littlest it is so powerful you're doing something for yourself and for your family and it's it's the beginning of change you know so I'm so grateful to Katherine Rachel Beth pedu jod and Katie for allowing us to see just a little bit of how they support each other on a weekly basis it's amazing to think that each of them only talks for five minutes and yet their knowledge of each other

68:48 has built to the extent that they're now integral in each other's lives they genuinely care about each other they don't just show up to talk for their five minutes to get help for themselves and disappear they've come to know each other on their good days and their bad days they can celebrate with each other when things are going well and because they've seen each other on the good days when someone's having a difficult day they can remind that person that things

69:11 won't always be this way and even though they might feel like a terrible parent in that moment they're really a great parent having a hard day as you saw the parents in this group aren't shy about saying that they don't care that I'm not in their Action Group they don't need me to be in the group to get something valuable out of it I support them by offering modules of content that they can use to continue

69:32 their learning and coaching them on group coaching calls and Gathering a community of parents who share their values I regularly see jod and Beth and sometimes pedu and Rachel on the group coaching calls that I lead I never see Katherine or casy on group coaching calls because that's not their thing that's not how they prefer to learn and that's totally fine action groups offer a way of learning and growing that's more aligned with their needs and I will

69:56 say that I've met parents who identify as profound introverts who were really intimidated by the thought of joining a group and who got a lot out of the experience as an introvert myself I think I see why the scariest part is actually not interacting with other people it's interacting in groups with no defined roles or things to do that's hard and this isn't that you don't even have to speak in your first meeting if you don't want to so you can get the

70:23 hang of it and then there's a defined format to to share what worked with your next step from last week how things are going and what is your next step for this week and your 5 minutes go surprisingly quickly there's no long-term commitment either because it can take a while to find your feet we do ask that you commit to attending calls with one group for a month if after that you decide the time doesn't work or the

70:44 group isn't the right one for you you can switch or stop entirely you aren't letting anyone down people do change groups and it's totally fine so if you would like to have a community of parents in your life who will support you like Katherine Rachel Beth pedu jod and Katie support each other then I would love to see you in the parenting membership enrollment is open very soon between May 5th and 15th if you join the

71:10 wait list at your parenting mojo.com parenting membership we will send you a discount coupon to use when enrollment opens and if you missed the recent setting loving and effective limits Workshop that went for 8 days I would love to see you in our setting loving an effective limits Master Class you won't get everything that you could have learned over eight days obviously but you will get a lot of the content and ideas in just one 90 minute free session

71:38 so if you find yourself repeating yourself over and over again to your child because they don't listen to you or if you can't get out of the house with a huge struggle every day or if you go to bed at night feeling guilty that you yelled at them again today and promising yourself that you won't won't do it again and you'll be better and you will really try to remember those Instagram memes that tell you that when

72:01 your child says this you should say that but in your heart of hearts you know that when you start to get stressed all of those things you've learned will probably fly out the window then I do hope you'll join me for the free master class I will teach you how to set limits effectively but I'll also show you how to get your needs met much more of the time so you can have the kind of calm

72:22 connected joyful relationship with your child that you want to have you can sign up for the masterclass at your parenting mojo.com setting limits masterclass I can't wait to see you in the master class or the parenting membership or maybe both