Transcript
0:00 What we've done in modern-day parenting is just put feelings into everything. Why don't you feel that way? How can I help you feel it? How can I help you feel more, right? And what children learn is that resistance works, okay? If I resist you, if I show you that I don't feel it like it, if I show you that I'M REALLY UPSET ABOUT IT, or really hurt about it, or I'm offended, or I'm angry, then I don't have to do it. It's a great get out of jail free card, right? It teaches them that your authority as a mom is completely negotiable. Like, you know, if they just push back with emotional talk, if they just say, "It It makes me feel upset. It makes me feel angry. I don't like it when you make me wash dishes. What am I, a slave around here? Or you use me." You know, whatever. If they just speak in the right tone of voice, then you will completely let go of all your standards and rules.
0:49 And that is really stressful for kids, right? Because even though they can't articulate this, they really need to feel that you are strong, that you are clear, that you know what kind of culture you're building. You know what kind of expectations you have. You know what the house rules are, okay? So, here's the practical shift, all right? And I want you to let me know which of these resonates with you the most in the comments below, okay? I want you to stop asking things like, "Are you in the mood? Would you like to? Do you feel like it? How about we?" Or even asking for things like, "Can we please do the floor now? Can we please sit down and study? It's time for our reading. Would you like to do it?" Right? Anything soft, anything that leaves an opening for negotiation, and anything that is based on how they feel, okay? This isn't about feelings, okay? So, instead, we start saying things like, "This is what we do.
1:38 It's time. It's time to XYZ. I'll help you get started." And then we move very quickly into the action phase, and not so much into the lingering on emotions.
Summary
- Emphasizing feelings in parenting can lead to children negotiating authority through emotional resistance.
- Children may feel stressed when parental expectations are unclear or negotiable.
- Parents should avoid asking questions that allow for emotional negotiation, such as "Are you in the mood?" or "Would you like to?"
- Instead, parents should assertively state expectations, e.g., "It's time to do XYZ," and guide children into action.
- The focus should shift from feelings to clear rules and responsibilities in the household.
- Establishing a strong, consistent parental presence helps children feel secure and understand expectations.