Parenting Through Panic: Calming Your Inner Storm

0:00 [Music] Hello everyone. Welcome to another episode of parenting and you with me Dr. Shafali. This episode is all about how do we handle our big inner emotions. How do we deal with our anxieties when we face a challenging situation whether it be by our teenager, our toddler or even our own parents. You see what happens when we face a really challenging triggering situation is that we enter a panic state and that panic state is typically the state of our inner child and without our realizing we respond and react from that inner fear that inner panic unbeknownst to us we set up a negative spiral in our lives. So if this has ever happened to you you are in for a treat. Lots of great insights here.

0:52 Coming up next, a mother who's really struggling with her own inner emotions as she helps her toddler deal with her big emotions. Joining me now is Andrea. She's a mother who's struggling with her three-year-old daughter's big emotions. Hi, Andrea. Welcome. Welcome. I'm so happy you're here with us. >> Yeah, thank you. Thank you for having me. >> So, what's going on? I'm passing through the three-year-old's big emotions and I come from a lot of inside work with different therapists and I been applying the gentle parenting. Every single therapist that I have worked they yeah would you work with yourself but nobody has given me the tools for when the things are happening what to do. So my daughter, I know she does it for to grab attention, but she goes like, I want a lollipop. I want a lollipop. I want a lollipop. I want a lollipop. I want a lollipop. And then changes to, oh, I want a chocolate. I want a chocolate.

1:54 And it's like, no, you cannot have a chocolate. Okay, I want a bread. I want a bread. And I'm busy. And then it's like, okay, you cannot have the bread. And then it explodes. And then she goes like, okay, I want this. But it never stops. Mhm. >> So on me it's like I know if I go and start exploding it won't work >> but then it's like what do I say? >> Mhm. >> If I give this it won't work.

2:18 >> Yeah. Is this repetition repetition repetition repetition the main way she communicates. >> No that's normally when I am doing something else. >> Okay. Very good. >> To get at my attention. >> Very good. >> But I always fall into bargaining or negotiating. Yeah. And I don't want to keep doing that because or I'm exploding like the pot that that you get like so worked out and then explode. Yes. >> And it's like no, we're doing this and that's it. And then she cries and then it goes mess.

2:50 >> So when she cries then does she get a lot of your attention? >> Not really. But she gets my energy >> Yes. >> aroused. So I'm not with her but she knows that I'm Yes. >> like upset. >> Yes. Yes. Now when she asks for things is it usually things that she knows you will not want to give her >> sometimes. Sometimes I give her but normally when she asks for like that no she knows that she won't get it.

3:14 >> Right. Right. Okay. So what are the other things she does just so we can understand. >> Two days ago she just didn't want to cooperate on cleaning up >> and she throw a toy and she's like I'm not doing it. >> Mhm. >> And then I was like okay if you do it I'll give you a lollipop. But I was like no you cannot do that. You cannot do that. So that's when I'm I stop. Lately, I've been just, okay, fine. And I just turn around because I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do anymore.

3:40 And I don't want to get into the >> if you do this for me, I'll give you something because I know when you grow, >> yeah, >> it can change with like you give me something and I'll give you something on that. So I don't know what else to do. I don't know what to say. >> I know. I go on my knees and he's like, "Okay, if you throw that things, it hurts me and it hurts your dad. Why do you do that? Do you feel that I'm giving more attention to your brother?" And then she's like, "No."

4:07 >> And I'm like, "Are you mad at that dad?" "No." "So why you throw it?" And she doesn't say anything. >> Let me ask you a few questions. When she is having big emotions, does it create anxiety inside you that you need to do something? You need to answer the right way or you need to take care of it or respond? Does it create that kind of pressure inside you when she's having a big emotion? >> At the beginning, no. But then if it continues and if I am doing something like breastfeeding the baby or doing dishes and the baby crying and then everything at the same time, that's when I get like, oh my god.

4:43 >> But if not, I normally stay really calm. >> Okay. And and I didn't know you are breastfeeding a baby, so that part is important. >> Yes. Yes. I have a seven-month old baby. Okay. Okay. That is very important and you can imagine why. It's because you know so that means you had this baby when she was around 28 months, right? And between 22 and 28 months is when children go through separation anxiety. >> Okay. >> So right at that time you're now separated from her and you have another child. So she's feeling a lack of your attention. She's feeling a lack of your energy. So now she's in the cycle of acting out to get your energy and to get your attention. And she's getting it but in a negative way. And also she's a toddler so she's naturally throwing more tantrums. So she's now you know she's doing what she is feeling naturally but you're looking at it as a negative thing and it's creating a negative dynamic.

5:41 Right? So let me first just say that when our children throw tantrums, one of the things that all of us parents do is that we lose stamina, right? So they win because they are more persistent. So if two people are in a room, right, like you and your daughter, and she's saying red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, red, and you're like blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue. Now it's like, who's going to have more energy to continue this? Right? And what happens is because you're tired because you have a child, another baby, and you are doing so many other things, you give in. So you give in to either your anger or you give in to her anger. Correct? So it's like holding a crunch in the gym and you're like, "Okay, I can't do it anymore. Let me just stop." And you give in and you get frustrated. Either you get frustrated with yourself or with her. So the first thing you need to understand is that she will eventually stop but you stop faster than her.

6:42 >> Okay? >> So just because she says give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, give it to me, you eventually bubble over and burst and give it to her, right? Either you give her the negative attention or you give her the object. You can have so much fun with it. You could do the same thing back. Give me the chocolate. Give me the chocolate. Give me You could have make it a game.

7:00 She goes, "Give me the chocolate. Give me the chocolate." You could go, "You give me the chocolate. You give me the chocolate. Let's go look for the chocolate. Where's the chocolate? You know, the bottom denominator of all of this is that she does want your attention. But are you going to give it in a negative way or are you going to have fun with it where you can transform the energy into something fun? So, that's one way to go. One way to go is you change the energy and have fun with it and tease her. And you can do the same thing back to her. You give me the chocolate. Where's the chocolate? Let's look for the chocolate. Things like that, right? change the energy. Number two, you can just ignore it and just let her do whatever she wants. Put on headphones. As long as she's safe, you can ignore it. However, that will likely lead her to feel abandoned and rejected.

7:47 So, you have to be a little careful with that. But at least inside yourself, you can say, you know what, nothing's happening to her. I can ignore it for a moment. And then the third way is to really teach her in the moment that it's okay. We can wait. We can do it later. And you can do that by telling her, "Go find the chocolate. Go look for it. If you find it, I'll give it to you." And you know there's no chocolate. So you can let her go and increase her ability to be patient, right? Because in many ways, our toddlers are just impulsive.

8:22 They cannot wait. They want it right now. So, you're going to teach her, "Okay, let's go look for it. Let's wait for it. It'll come. I want to give you the chocolate, but I can't find it." Right? And now you're teaching her that I'm listening to you. I hear you, but I don't know where it is. We don't have it here. And at least she sees that you are with her and present, but you are also not giving into her.

8:46 >> Okay. >> The main things I want you to take away are number one, she's not dying. She's okay. You can handle this. You just need to have the stamina like in the gym. So, calm yourself down and regulate yourself. Number two, you can make it a game. You can play with it. You can be naughty with it. You can engage with her in a way of transforming the negative energy to positive energy. Number three, you can teach her some patience and tell her, "Yes, I want to give it to you.

9:18 Mommy wants to give you what you want but I don't know where it is. Go and find it and I will give it to you and you make sure that it's not easy to find. So in that way she feels okay my desire is being met. I'm being validated. Mommy just can't find it. Right. >> Okay. >> So if you begin to do these things more and more she will learn to calm herself down. Also, when she throws an object when you're cleaning up, you don't have to react to it right away. You can just go, "Okay, we can do it later. We're going to do it later." And you can leave the room, regulate yourself, and then come back. Right? And then you can tell her, "Okay, let's try it again. Let's put a timer. Let's play a game. Let's make it a race. Who can do it faster?

10:04 Let's see who can do it better." Right? Toddlers respond to that kind of energy versus angry energy versus controlling energy versus dominating or even asking too many questions. They don't know why they're doing it. That is not the way to go. Don't ask them logical questions. Are you angry because I'm breastfeeding your brother or your sister? No, that is not the way to go. They don't respond to too much talking. They respond to your energy. And if your energy is calm, your energy is playful, your energy is respectful, they will eventually calm down. And you have to remember eventually she will forget this problem.

10:42 She will move on. I just have to have the stamina. If I give in before she gives in, then she's going to win and going to learn that that is the way to do things. >> Okay? And when you are in a situation like you have to clean up on that moment and it's like there's no time frame. >> But why do you have to clean up in that moment? What is so deadly that you have to clean up in that moment?

11:06 >> Yeah. It's it's it's no >> nothing is so important, right? >> Yes. Exactly. >> So relax, relax. If she throws the toy, you can say, "Oh, we don't do that. We're going to do this later. Mommy's not doing going to do this with you right now. when you're ready, I'm going to do it with you. So, when you're ready, we'll do it. And then she'll say, "No, no, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm ready." Right? Or she may not, but you leave the room.

11:31 >> Okay? >> And you don't have to engage with that anymore. She will calm down. You have to trust that they want your connection. They want to be with you. So, if you leave the room gently, not in a mean way, they will they will realize, "Hey, I want my mommy back, so I'm going to do it properly now." So you can tell her, "Oh, I really wanted to have fun with you and clean up with you and I wanted to be with you, but we can't throw things, so I'll come back when you're ready." And she'd be like, "I'm ready.

12:00 I'm ready." >> And if she's throwing things for like if it's not to me or like to her dad, like when it happened, her dad was turning around and she throw the toy at him. Yes. >> But he didn't see it, but I did. >> So there are two ways to respond. One is in anger, one is in impatience, one is making her feel bad. And the other way to respond is to teach her empathy, right? So you could go toward your husband and say, "Oh my goodness, did you get hurt?" "Oh, she didn't mean to hurt you." And you can say, "Did you mean to hurt daddy?" And she'd be like, "No, I didn't mean to hurt him. Oh, but he's feeling pain. Let's go take care of daddy. Let's go put a band-aid." Right?

12:37 You're teaching her that these things cause pain. >> Okay? >> Right? You're teaching her the effect of her action. >> Okay? >> Right? Versus you're a bad person, you need to be punished. That's not teaching her anything. Right? Your mission as a parent of a toddler is to realize your child is dealing with a lot of big emotions. Your child doesn't mean to be manipulative. They need to learn empathy. They need to learn connection.

13:09 And I'm going to teach it through my calm regulated approach. And if I just realize that I'm stronger right now, I'm more powerful. My child cannot dictate me. My child cannot control my emotions. I'm in charge of my emotions. If you keep repeating, my toddler is not in charge of my emotions. I'm in charge of my emotions. Then you're going to enter the dynamic with a lot of inner empowerment. Right now you're feeling helpless that your toddler is in charge of your emotions.

13:44 >> Yeah. A lot of times you're giving her your power. She's not in control. You are in control of you. And if you come from that attitude, then you can see her with compassion and empathy that she doesn't mean to do this. When you are on a situation on a playground and she's playing with another kid and this other kid punches her but they are friends like she does the stop don't hit me. It hurts but the kid stops but then continues but she wants to keep playing with it and the other mother is not doing anything. And then she looks at me like why this kid is punching me.

14:23 >> Right. Right. I don't know what to do in situations like that either to to remove her but if you remove her she wants to keep playing with the boy >> right so you can go up to her and say you know if you are feeling pain if this is not okay you need to say it's not okay and we can go right you can teach her maybe it's not hurting her that much and maybe they have their own relationship you don't want to rescue her from every time somebody is mean to her so you can just say if you want to go we can go but you don't have to take it. If if somebody's hurting you, you can say, "No, don't hurt me." And you don't have to play with them. So when you go back home in the car, you can say, "Wow, I saw Sam really hitting you.

15:04 That looked really painful. Was it painful?" And if she says, "Yes, it was painful." Then you can say, "Then why do you let him hurt you? You don't have to play with Sam." And she says, "But I like him." Well, then you have to decide, do you like somebody who hurts you? What if I hurt you? You don't like that. So you don't have to play with Sam. You can empower her in the car on the way home, right?

15:24 >> Nice. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. >> I think one of the mistakes you may be making is that you think you have to do something right away. >> Mhm. >> And you don't have to do something right away. >> Okay. >> You don't have to fix it right away. You don't have to control it right away. You can wait. It's okay. You know, you don't have to react in the moment right away to fix something. >> I think that is something from my side.

15:47 Like I don't I don't know of other cultures but mine is like you have to clean your room now, you have to do this now. You have to study now. So everything is now >> and that is going to get you very stressed out. >> Okay? >> You have to ask yourself always, does this need to happen now? Why am I going to go crazy right now? And that'll relax you. That'll make you a more calm and fun and playful parent, you know, and it will just create a different atmosphere in the house. Okay.

16:15 >> Yes. 100%. >> Yeah. I think you're just anxious to get everything done and proper right now. >> Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. 100%. >> Well, thank you so much. Thank you for your great questions. I loved answering them. Thank you so much. >> Thank you so much. >> Toddlerhood is such a unique phase in our children's lives. I mean, it is a pretty frustrating and maddening phase. And the reason why it's particularly challenging is because it's the first time our children, our babies begin to realize that they are their own autonomous human being and they have their own voice and their own will and they're practicing being their own person. But in doing that, they are often defiant. They're often quote unquote disrespectful. They throw tantrums because their brains are not developed to handle their big emotions.

17:09 So, if you're a parent who has a toddler, I hope that this story helped you to understand that you have a big role to play in how your toddler begins to regulate themselves. Coming up next, a mother who feels desperately caught in the crosshairs between her own mother and her 7-year-old. Joining me now is Andrea. She says she's parenting so much differently than she was parented, but she wants to know how she can get her own parents to understand conscious parenting. Hello and welcome. What's going on?

17:45 >> Thank you. With my daughter, I'm having a lot of difficulty to get my parents to understand where I'm coming from and I feel I understand where they coming from. But my daughter has a lot like influence from them. as you know they are all sponges and they are the closest people that we have and so there's a lot that is coming to her from them and it's getting very difficult to it's like mixed messages I feel it's a bit hard to you know stand my ground with them and be consistent with her and try to still establish that relationship with my parents where she sees that respect from a daughter me in this case to my parents having that respect but also not letting them overpower in directions and what they think and what they're trying to pass on to her. So yeah, it's being a bit tricky and then a bit hard to work around. Sometimes I I feel like it's best just to do not spend time with them, but then I worry also about what that mean to her, you know? So yeah, it's just um mixed messages and for me to find balance in that.

18:58 >> How old is your daughter? She's 7 years old. >> Okay. So I guess she's been connected to them for a long time. They live close by I imagine. >> Not really. She was born in Australia and because of VA issues we had to leave and so we've been in Brazil for a year now. And so before that it was only me and her and we live in a conscious community. You know I have a a partner that is very much aligned with me in the way that our parent which is her father from the heart. She also has the other partner the biological father. So I guess because that's a new thing to her and he's right now is for this family for oldest people that we have and I come from a very different place. You know I lived in Australia and abroad for 10 years. I expanded my ways of thinking and being and I've been working on myself personal growth spirituality you name it. And yeah I'm just having a little bit of a hard time trying to balance it out. And initially we even lived with Damon for a few months. So it was my mom, my dad, my daughter, myself and my brother. So it's very hard coming from you know 10 years living overseas to the same dynamic when I left you know 10 years ago and it's certainly a challenge there at this time.

20:18 >> Right. So if you look at it in terms of your journey, you left Brazil and its traditional ways, the unconscious parts of your childhood, you left it. You said, "No, I don't want it. I'm going to go to Australia. I'm going to expand. I'm going to grow. I'm going to be so super connected to myself, heal myself." But then you had to come back because of logistics. And now you're back in the same old ways of being. and you're seeing the effects not only on yourself, but now you're giving it to your daughter and of course you're feeling the sense of alarm because you had to leave so far and now you're putting your daughter in the same situation that you were in.

20:58 >> Exactly. >> So here's the challenge and this is where you're going to have to do some deep work and make some very hard choices. You're watching her go through what you went through and you saw what it took for you to undo all that. It took you years. And would you willingly put your daughter back in a situation where you were running away from? No, you wouldn't. >> And you know, it took me some guts to actually express and and vocalize. So, it got to a point that I'm like, I really need my place in my daughter.

21:34 Like, I need I really need my own plate. And because of I'm being this limbo, I haven't, you know, been working on, you know, working and making money all that. And my parents had a unit that was someone living in and they they were leaving and I was like can I live there? You know like so I actually vocalized my dad even he doesn't express his feelings and his emotions and his even his thoughts very well. So the little that I know is through my mom's lens and I know that he didn't like that request that I asked for that. And I know that my mom also took a little bit like personally because she's like oh it's us you know I was like no I really like I need that.

22:11 And so we moved out. It got much better. It's still they moved to the beach which is like 2 3 hours from here from where I am living. And we still go and pass some you know like the end of the year Christmas time and and New Year's all but with them. And so there's a lot of situations that come up and it's very hard to deal with you know in the middle of like how do I express this in a way that won't hurt them because I know that they did so much better than what their parents did. I I'm so aware of that and I know that I want to do way better than they did. So I don't want to hurt them.

22:47 I know that they have probably limitations to understand. So I can't be here thinking that they going to change or they they going to even agree with me or even change their ways of think or even understand. I I cannot just be like that's out of my circle of control. Like if that happens that's great but it's out of my circle of control. So, I get torn between not wanting to hurt them, but also I want my daughter to see that I'm positioning myself, you know, that my parents come from a place, my mom especially, that it's like, you listen, you're wrong. That's it. You know, and sometimes I feel she's wrong. And if I say something in front of Bella, and I feel it's important for Bella to feel that I have her back. I'm not saying like everything that wrong mother does or says or thinks is wrong. But like when I feel it's unfair, I want to step it and then my mother is coming from a place where oh you thinking that you're helping her but you're not helping her.

23:43 You're making her think that it's okay to do not respect the elders to you know you you're not teaching authority. You're not teaching discipline. You're not teaching that. So she doesn't say with the words. This is my interpretation of course of what I can read in in the situations playing at. But yeah, basically is that like how do I deal with that or is it better not to go? It's a bit sad because I know that I'm going to be going back to Australia eventually. I don't know if I will ever be back. Maybe in five years to visit.

24:16 So that's a part of me like emotional part of me that's like man I'm I'm I'm taking away their opportunity to be with her but so >> yeah so there's a lot of emotion that is really all about you your daughter she didn't even know them for most of her life she is going to be okay this is really about you and your guilt your own feelings about your parents being able to step up and have boundaries you don't want to hurt them you want to be a good daughter. You don't want to be someone who makes them feel guilty, but then you feel guilty that you're not protecting your daughter. You are in the middle because you've put yourself in the middle >> because you haven't yet grown up into being an adult and being the mother of your child. You're still the child of your own mother. You understand? You're more a child of your mother in those moments than the mother of your child.

25:12 That's why I said you have a tough choice to make. Are you more going to be the child of your parents or are you going to be the parent of your child? >> Yeah, >> this is a very very tough choice. >> I'm so committed to make the best reality, the best role model that my daughter can see. And coming from your perspective, it can also look like that. And certainly there is truth in that also from my parents perspective like I am completely having just my daughter's back and doing everything that she wants or saying the things you know like I wasn't really encouraged or you know when something was unfair I never had them like saying no you you actually right in the situation or I never had a sorry for being like this sorry for saying this sorry I didn't act in my best in that moment I want to reconnect reestablish you know so I've been doing all those things still there's a feeling that maybe it's not enough but I am working on it you know I'm I'm working on it >> you know and another thing your daughter is getting older and she will understand that grandma is just like that grandma is oldfashioned grandma is too traditional don't worry you know you can come to me you and I can be together she will learn by the age of 10 who her grandparents are don't worry about that yeah it will take a little bit of time she's only seven she's still young, but eventually she will learn that grandma is just very strict or grandma's very reactive or grandma gets like that. So, you don't have to worry. She will learn that. But I think you need to be very clear in yourself that you don't need to please your parents anymore. And like you said, you're not going to change them. So, you're trying to be the good daughter and you need to let that go.

26:54 Your parents are going to be upset with you. They are not going to disapprove of your parenting. There's a part of you that wants them to get on the same page with you and that's been your childhood longing that they see you as a good mother and they see you as amazing, but they're not doing that. So, you need to let that go. And if they get angry with you, they get angry with you. If they get upset with you, they've been doing this all their life. So, you need to say, you know what, I'm grown up now. I don't need that validation anymore. I understand that they can never understand. You see, they don't understand, but maybe you don't understand fully that they don't understand, right? There's a part of you that still wants them to understand.

27:37 They're not going to understand. So, given that, how many days you spend is up to you. Given that they are mostly a negative influence, given that they can be a really punitive force in your child's life, given that they cause you stress, why are you pushing this agenda? Now, you're pushing it because you want your daughter to have grandparents, your parents to be grandparents, but that is an illusion. If the grandparents are negative, then it's more of a negative force in your child's life than a positive. So, who cares if she has grandparents on paper, but the grandparents were causing misery, then we don't want that. So, I'm not saying to completely disconnect from them, but you get to manage how much time they spend with your child. Just like you would limit your child from watching, you know, something negative or violent on a screen. In the same way, this is real life. If they're being negative and violent in real life, turn off the channel. I guess I worried what that will mean for her. Not only what she will make me, but what others were making me. I know that there's a gap.

28:45 I've heard that and it resonates a lot with me. You know if you don't fill up the gap they will fill up the gap with the meanings themselves or someone will come and say >> but who are you worried about the child or the mother? >> No no no my daughter. >> You can tell your child for a few years you can just start limiting it and she won't even pay attention. And then if she asks and she's over the age of nine, you can say, you know, grandma sometimes gets too negative and I don't want you to experience that until you can tell me that you understand that this is not the way we need to be. Then we can go, you can have honest conversations. She's going to see it herself that grandma is so strict and grandma is too traditional and grandma is too negative. she's going to see it and you can fill in those gaps for her and say, "You know what? I didn't like how grandma talked to us, so we're not going to go there for a few weeks." You can say that if that's what it comes to.

29:40 >> Yeah. I guess it's a learning and and every situation, you know, gives up opportunity to address with her and to make his tea and it's Yeah, totally. You you say it's much more about me. >> You can even say things like this to your daughter. You know, wow, I saw that grandma was really going crazy when you broke that glass, for example. How did that make you feel? You know, she used to do that a lot when I was a child and I did not like it. Right now, you can use that as a learning example if you want. We don't have to go back there because I didn't like how she talked to you. How did you feel?

30:12 >> I do this sometimes, you know, I address some some things that say, "Yeah, grandmother used to do that with me and and that's why I do differently with you, blah, blah, blah." But she has a adoration for the grandmother even though she is very different in her ways of you know communicate because I guess the dynamic is really hard when it's the three of us or the four of us. If I was to leave my daughter with my mother which I haven't for a whole time just leave them together by like you know in the beginning I will let her go and sleep there and do all the things. Now I'm like my full-time job is being a parent. Like there's nothing else that I do, you know, the summit, every content that I consume is that and you know, like working on our relationship and that's all I do. And I also homeschool.

31:03 So it's like it's a lot. But I feel the dynamic when the three of us, that's when there's a lot of test for all of us. And most of test comes from her behavior. And but if I was to leave her with Bella, with my daughter, then you know she's the authority. Bella will curve to whatever she's saying. And then you know what that means for my mom is like with me with me she she behaves with me everything is you know and and she even says that she she say when there's a dynamic she's like with me you're not going to do that like just in other way of saying with your mother I know that your mother does that. I know that your mother allows that like that behavior which when it's just with me maybe it won't happen you know yes she tests me sometimes and that's what they supposed to do I guess but it's not like that all the time so when we are the three four of us that's the worst >> yes >> but I see the value in that too >> yeah there's a great value in that I think it's really about you not taking in what your mother says in your little girl self and listening to your mother from a little girl place. So when your mother says something like that, you can be an empowered adult and say that's great when she's with you. She won't do that, but she can do that here. So you just have to step back and talk like an adult and not get into your little girl self because this is the test. The test is for Bella to see an empowered mother.

32:31 And that is where the challenge is. The challenge has nothing to do with Bella or your mother. The challenge has to do for you to step into your adult self with your mother and not get into your inner child self. I hope that helps you. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> So, don't blame your mother and don't worry about Bella. Worry about yourself being an empowered adult. You're in charge. Don't let your mother boss you around. >> Yeah.

32:54 >> Thank you for joining us. This was a really interesting story. Thank you. >> Thank you so much for the opportunity. >> Whenever we're faced with difficult situations, I think we all need to realize that on some level, we all regress to becoming little children within ourselves. So whether it is a toddler who's acting out in front of us, we can become toddlers ourselves. Or if it's our mother bossing us around or our boss at work uh telling us what to do at some level, most of us, especially if we haven't done the inner work, we can regress to this very primitive little child self and begin to cower in fear and create a negative dynamic. So, as you saw in this last story, this mother was bossing this adult woman around and dominating her. And on some level, she was entering her little girl self, wanting to please her mother. And our jobs as conscious adults, conscious parents, is to always ask ourselves, am I responding from my most adult empowered self right now, or am I regressing to a fearful, reactive, anxious little self. And the more we make this distinction, the more we will be empowered to meet our challenging situations with a sense of equinimity, with a sense of balance, and a sense of perspective. Because boy, isn't it easy to just lose that balance in one second and go back to that little child self. I hope this episode helped you in your own challenging situations. And if you want to learn more about what I do, if you want to learn how to coach yourself or maybe coach other parents and live a life as a conscious parenting and life coach, well, maybe you want to explore my institute. I have this amazing online institute which I run for five months which will teach you how to empower yourself to be the most amazing coach possible and live a life of service and meaning. So explore my institute. The link is in the show notes. And maybe you can do this for a living just like I do.

35:07 Thank you so much for listening to this episode. And I will see you on the next one of parenting and you with me, Dr. Shafali. Parenting and you with Dr. Shafali is for educational andformational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, psychotherrapeutic, coaching, health care, or other qualified professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.