Transcript
0:00 The masks we wear do not come because of just pure laziness or evil or bad intentions. Not just they also come from a deeper helplessness, a confusion, overwhelm, a fatigue, a frustration, a trauma. >> I realized I have a messed up situation here. So by nature I'm a fighter totally. And once I have become conscious about this first fight, >> next you change the mask, >> then I changed it to freeze, not to react.
0:33 >> I love it. >> And now guess what? Who comes out of the freeze when the emotions have came down? >> The fixer, but the passive aggressive fixer who wants to fix things his way. >> I love it. I love it. >> Yes. This is what parents will tell me. I have not lost my Dr. Shifali. like as if I should give them a prize, right? Like, oh, I stopped screaming at my kids, stopped yelling at my kids.
0:58 I've stopped pinching my kids. I'm like, "Oh my god, you used to do all that. You didn't tell me." It only comes out when they stop it, right? Because they're so proud. And I've stopped, you know, scratching them, biting them, frothing on them, throwing spit on them, locking them in their closet. I'm like, "God, you didn't tell me you did all that." They're like, "But now that I've stopped it, I'm so proud." So they'll give me the whole laundry list of everything they've stopped doing. But then I'm like, "So then what do you do?" They're like, "Nothing." I'm like, "Nothing? No, nothing." I'm like, "You just sit there?" They're like, "Yes." "What do you do?" "I just watch TV. I just go about my business." I'm like, "What are you doing with the child? You just left your child there." They're like, "Yeah, you told me not to do that, so I stopped doing that." So then you become a freezer. And then the advanced level is the conscious fixer. Okay. The I'm consciously I will highlight the books on motivation. The other day I was thinking, how can I consciously fix my child? I was like, you know what? I'm going to give her this book, which is so good for 21 year olds. It's like how to change your life in one year, but I'll give her the book. So, I won't be the one fixing. I'll just give her the book.
2:06 And then I was like, but what what if she doesn't read the book? Maybe I should highlight like certain and leave money inside so she opens those pages to take the money out. That is the conscious fixer, right? How do I fix my child, but it doesn't look like I'm fixing my child?
Summary
- Masks represent deeper emotional struggles, not just negative intentions.
- Parents often transition from aggressive behaviors to a state of inaction, becoming "freezers."
- Pride in stopping harmful behaviors can lead to neglecting active engagement with children.
- The concept of the "conscious fixer" emerges, where parents attempt to guide their children without direct intervention.
- Strategies like providing motivational books illustrate the desire to influence without overtly fixing.
- Awareness of these dynamics is crucial for healthier parent-child relationships.
- The journey involves recognizing and addressing underlying emotions to foster better communication.