Top Phrases to Teach Your Kids to Say (to Reduce Tantrums & Aggressive Behaviors)

0:00 did you know that to say a phrase a hundred muscles in the body must all collaborate from your chest to your neck and jaw and mouth a hundred muscles very interesting ties well into the topic of today's episode which is about the top 10 plus phrases that i think you need to start teaching your little one whether they are a toddler or an older child your children need to know how to say these

0:30 phrases because it comes down to helping them learn how to advocate for themselves helping them learn the words that they need to tell people about their needs about their body boundaries about their preferences about their wants helps them communicate and when children learn the words that they need to communicate they feel empowered they feel confident and they're calmer right they're calmer because they feel like they are equipped with

1:01 the tools necessary to advocate change in their environment right which makes them feel powerful makes us all feel powerful right when we feel like we are prepared so these are the phrases that you must start teaching your little one now if you have a very very small little one and they're not yet talking that's okay start to use these words for yourself start to model these words start to encourage them to use the words even if

1:28 they can't repeat you all the way you can just start to encourage this language through your use of these phrases okay and then as they get older they're going to learn oh yeah okay i've heard it so much now i'm gonna start trying it out now i'm gonna start using it right but we have to expose them to the phrases before they can pick them up so let's dive in let's dive into the 10 plus phrases

1:55 real quick if you haven't noticed a couple things i have a new setup okay new setup for the video podcast okay we now have a podcast show uh called the mom psychologist podcast show okay so i realize that not everybody wants to be on youtube all the time and so i want to give more variety and so all of these episodes are gonna also be on my podcast show okay so check me out over

2:28 there okay leave your girl rating it means the world to me to support this show um i'll be coming out with weekly content sometimes a little bit more often okay if i can get together coming out with more than um that but weekly content over on youtube and podcast so look out for me also i just recently launched a free discipline workshop called how to get your child to listen to you without

2:59 yelling and doing all the other things that you hate like punishing and bribing and threatening so check it out it's the mompsychologist.com forward slash workshop it is 60 minutes packed full of value no strings attached i walk you through my research-based formula uh the formula that i have developed over my years of research as well as clinical experience with children and families all on the area of behavior right how do

3:31 we help our child learn you know healthier uh ways to get their needs met right how do we teach our children how to make healthier choices and actually want to cooperate with our directions as well as how do we connect with our child in deeper ways so the workshop goes through all of that walks you through my formula my method called crg and again it's just it's packed full of gems so be sure to check it out

3:59 themompsychologist.com forward slash workshop to watch my free discipline workshop all right let's dive in to the episode without further ado here are the top 10 plus there's over 10 phrases that i want you to start teaching your child today the first one is space please okay space please i want your child to know how they can communicate to other people in a polite

4:32 way that they need some space okay they need people to back up all right i like to pair this teaching with them by also letting them know if people don't listen right or if you just need to cut to the chase then you have the power to move your body away okay so this is going to prevent and cut back on the hitting on the pushing on the shoving right because often children do those things because

4:59 they need space and they don't know how to say it right they don't know what they can say they don't probably feel like they can say it okay oftentimes it's also just impulsive right so teach them how to say space please if they are you know getting in a tussle getting in a little bit of an argument with their sibling or their peer or their cousin teach them hey i think i think you're trying to tell him that you

5:22 need your space okay you can say space please okay two words powerful the second phrase i want you to start teaching your little ones is i'm tired i'm hungry i'm frustrated i'm happy starting to teach them how to express how they feel or what they need right i'm feeling hungry i'm feeling tired i want to go lay down right i'm feeling frustrated i'm feeling happy again the biggest way to try to start to

5:55 teach them how to use these feeling words is to use them yourself throughout the day to describe how you're feeling right oh i'm getting hungry right now i need a snack right i'm feeling frustrated i need to take a deep breath we often take for granted right we often think these things in our in our minds and we don't want to necessarily express them or we just don't even think to express them but we are teaching our

6:18 child how to communicate these things to others which is powerful so start to teach them how they can communicate their their feelings as well as what they need the third phrase to start teaching your child today is that hurts my body that hurts my body right that hurts my body start teaching them how to comfortably tell people what the impact is

6:49 what other people's impact of their choices are on them and their body right that hurts my body along with that you can teach them to say i don't like that right i don't like that right and as their language develops you can help coach them on exactly what they don't like and how to communicate that with the other person so that the other person knows exactly what they don't like so that they are less likely to do

7:16 it again right because often if we're too big then people are like well what don't you like right um so but for the early talkers and the little ones start to just teach them how to say you know what i don't like that right that hurts my body the next phrase to teach your little one is i'm not done playing with that oh this is a good one i am not done playing with that okay i'm not done playing with that i do not

7:44 believe in forced sharing i believe in teaching children to take turns right to play with a toy for as long as they need and then to give it to the other child when they are done now when we're talking about community equipment like being on the playground that's different right we all kind of need to work as a community and um use the equipment and then give another person a turn so i'm not i'm not referring to

8:14 instances when we're in public and there's a community element to it i'm more speaking on a toy by toy basis right now if they bring a toy to a community setting that gets very tricky and i don't really recommend that unless you want to practice a lot of turn taking which is a good skill to learn but anyways i digress i don't want to get too off topic but i'm happy to do another episode on the topic of sharing

8:41 and toy battles i already have a video on my youtube channel about this but let me know if you want to if you want to learn more about this but teach your child to tell other children i am not done playing with this and um that what goes along with that is you know i'm not done playing with this and i'll let you know when i'm done right i'll let you know when i'm done i'll let

9:04 you know when i'm done that's one of our favorite phrases that my girls use uh back and forth with each other right i'll let you know when i'm done right oh can i have that toy can i play with that i'll let you know when i'm done i am not done playing with this right this helps empower them again in these social situations to advocate for what they need in a very polite and clear way so

9:29 that other children can help respect their boundaries okay so i'm not done playing with this and i'll let you know when i'm done key phrases to start teaching your children how to say uh another one i already said i don't like that right that goes along with that that hurts my body but it could it could be related to anything that somebody's doing to them right i don't like that um uh related to how they're being treated but

9:57 teach them and empower them to use those words right i don't like that right i don't like that another phrase is no thank you okay no thank you right little ones love to say no they don't really they don't really need help saying that right they're learning that one they they they got that one down right no no no no no very comfortable with that word and i you know i think they have a lot to teach us when it

10:21 comes to boundaries right because they're just they're okay with just popping out that no word and i love that for them right i love that for us too um but just teaching them a polite way to turn people down no thank you you know instead of no no thank you no thank you just a little subtle tweak to help them with their manners and then the other one is can you help me please this is big okay this is gonna cut back on the

10:49 whining this is gonna cut back on the acting out all of these phrases really will but when your child learns how to ask for help in a pro-social way right in a very clear direct way they're going to feel more empowered and they're going to cut back on the whining and the tantruming right because they can very clearly let you know they are struggling and they need help otherwise the way that they communicate that is they cry

11:17 right they cry because they're feeling frustrated so teach them how to say hey can you help me please and then you know of course when your child is using these these phrases being really good at tuning into these phrases and at least acknowledging them oh you need help thank you for letting me know what you need i'll be right with you i'm in the middle of you know doing these dishes i'm in the middle of wrapping up

11:41 something i'll be right with you thank you so much for your patience and thank you so much for telling me what you need okay so we also too want to acknowledge when they are you know using their words which i hate hate to say like use your words right but we want to acknowledge when they are using their words in very calm and direct ways and so that you know you guys are better able to communicate

12:06 right we love that for us so can you help me please is a very powerful word or powerful phrase to teach your little one the next one is can i have a turn with that when you're done can i have a turn with that when you're done or for the early talkers turn place right can i have a turn with that when you're done so i'm imagining if there is a toy there is something that somebody else is playing

12:33 with and they are excited to play with that toy instead of snatching it right instead of you know um being impulsive and snatching it they now have the words just to say can i have a turn right and then that's gonna help them again feel so empowered right and they're gonna know oh okay i've already asked for it it's coming i just need to wait right oftentimes again kids get impulsive um and they do these behaviors that looks

13:02 very quote unquote mean because they just don't have the words right and so they're trying to show people with their actions what they need but when we teach them the words then they're so much better off okay so can i have a turn with that when you're done can i play with you this is another big one oftentimes little ones will snatch toys they will do little things to their siblings or their cousins or their peers

13:31 and kind of just like what looks like annoy them right and pick on them and push them and doing all of these things and you're like what the heck really oftentimes they're just trying to initiate play right they're just trying to say hey look at me hey i want some attention hey i want to connect with you hey i want to engage with you oh what you're doing over there looks so fun i want to be in on the fun but i don't

13:56 know how to say will you play with me i haven't learned it yet right it hasn't been modeled for me it hasn't been taught to me so what i'm going to do is i'm going to show you with my body i'm going to show you with my actions that look i'm over here look hello and it works right they get that person's attention often it's not positive attention but it works it gets it their attention right it helps them

14:18 affect change in the environment but it's off it's not the good change right so we have to teach them okay oh i think what you're trying to do and i did this so much with my girls right especially when my oldest was a toddler and we had the baby because they're 15 months apart right and so there was a lot of like you know just doing snatching her toy and grabbing and all of this and pushing and getting

14:43 aggressive getting physical but really what she she what she was trying to do was just play with her sister her sister was so young she was so young she didn't know how to do that right um and so she just kind of shooting in the dark right just feeling around in the dark so that's where we come in okay but we have to view these things in a in a helpful way right if we're viewing it

15:06 as oh my god you're so mean oh my gosh right you're such a bad kid well then what we're gonna do is just shut it down and then they're never gonna get their need met and they're never gonna learn how to get their needs met okay so teaching children will you play with me is huge okay it's huge will you play with me oh i think you're trying to get sissy's attention you can say play please right or will

15:29 you play with me okay um and just walk them through those interactions very very powerful the next one is uh can i give you a hug or a kiss or a high five or whatever kind of body contact right this is huge right you want to teach your kids to ask for permission before they get into somebody's face before they touch somebody's body right you want to give them the words to

16:00 to ask somebody's permission right can i give you a hug can i give you a high five can i give you a kiss on the cheek oftentimes you know and within families if it's you know if that's your family culture that's totally fine that makes sense i'm talking about more when we go start talking about extended family and out into the public right you really want to teach your child how to respect other people's boundaries so

16:27 teach them can i give you a hug first right and you can start modeling that with them it might feel a little silly you can also do this during play right with two action figures right you got one they got another you got another and you're like hey i'd like a hug can i give you a hug okay and there you go you've taught them you started planting those seeds of asking for for permission first right this also

16:53 teaches them oops this also teaches them that other people need to ask their permission as well right so it goes both ways which again is powerful for learning about body boundaries the next one is i'll give you a high five instead if they're not ready for close contact this is a a really really powerful one right teaching them and and letting them know they have power over their body and they get to tell other people what

17:25 they are comfortable with right it's not other people coming on to them and and forcing themselves right that they if they don't feel comfortable with a certain kind of contact like i'm thinking you me you're meeting or you're hanging out with your extended family uh and these are family members that they don't see very regularly or even if they do your and your child is just more of the one that needs more space and time to

17:49 open up and warm up to people they're not ready for a hug right off the gate right they're not ready for all this close contact you can empower them to give other family members a high five instead or you know a kick or um thumbs up whatever it is right you can teach them what and help them explore what they do feel more comfortable with so that they're still greeting other other people right in a respectful and

18:19 polite way but they're doing it in a way that doesn't compromise their comfort level okay major key okay so i'll give you a high five instead or whatever it is i'll give you a thumbs up right or i'll give you a hug when i'm ready okay here you go okay hello i'll blow you some kisses here we go okay uh next one is i need more time i need more time start teaching your little one to say i i need more time right or um i

18:52 need more dessert or not dessert they know how to say that right i need more stuff and snacks i'm still hungry again i need more time with this toy i'm not done playing right because what often happens is in our adult brain we're like all right let's go let's go let's get out the house or whatever we're trying to shuffle them to the next thing we don't real not even realizing that they're in the middle of something

19:16 right think of their play as their form of work and they're deep in their deep work right they're in the middle of something and often we don't realize it and so then we go to move them along and they start tantruming right we go to move them along and they then they cop an attitude right we go to move them along and they freak out right or they start to listen and then they're like just dysregulated

19:40 right why often because they have not um had enough time and preparation to transition and so it's on us to to work and be aware of this to prepare them for transitions to connect with them uh prior and during transitions right because transitions are stressful but it's also what we can what we can also do is empower them to speak up for themselves right i need some more time and then of course we have to be willing to listen to that

20:12 but that can be a powerful um phrase for them to learn is i need more time and the last phrase that you can teach them is i need a break okay this one is major key okay especially when you go out in public especially when you're going out to the um the playground or you're going to uh a place that's over could potentially be overstimulating there's a lot of commotion there's a lot of people there's a lot of lights

20:42 there's a lot of sounds uh we're going to a restaurant whatever it is right or even just at home right i need a break right i need a break teach them to say that right again model for that oh i think you need a break oh there's a lot going on i'm getting a little overwhelmed let's go take a break together right you can tell mommy hey i need a break right um this is such a powerful phrase

21:08 and a powerful concept to teach your child right that they can always step away from a situation when they're getting overwhelmed this is a powerful coping skill really right and we can use it ourselves too right when we start to get overwhelmed we start getting anxious we start getting frustrated right i need to go i need to take a break right i'm imagining they're sitting at the table and they're working on a puzzle they're working on something

21:35 and it's getting them frustrated you can teach them to take a break right and teach them that phrase right i need a break i need a break okay because it all happens right throughout the day where we need those breaks and our little ones again they just don't know they don't have the words they don't have that permission slip if you will that overt very direct permission slip to do these things whether it is asking for space

22:03 giving a high five instead of a hug right when they would be because that makes them feel more comfortable telling that other kid that they're not done playing or or initiating play or asking for a break or not even asking but just letting other people know i need a break right giving them that over permission slip can be super powerful in helping them learn how to regulate their big intense feelings

22:35 because now they have the words for it right that's the huge thing okay and don't forget start teaching them those feeling words start teaching them that there's a rainbow of feelings out there and that we can feel a couple feelings all at once right we can feel nervous and excited at the same time and it's the same pathway in the brain um but just starting to teach them that emotional vocabulary will be powerful so hope that this episode was helpful for

23:05 you i hope that it gave you some ideas of some things you can start to teach your little one even if they're an infant they're a baby they're not yet talking yet um or they're older uh whatever wherever your child is you can start teaching them these phrases to help empower them and again just start with modeling and start with when you recognize that that might be what they need in that moment you can point that out and then help them get

23:32 that need met again don't forget to check out my free discipline workshop uh by going to the mompsychologist.com forage slash workshop it is completely free and is packed full of so much value on how do we get our child to listen to us how do we get our child to cooperate and actually want to cooperate how do we connect with our children in deeper ways um without you know having to do all the

24:03 things that we hate like yelling okay uh and punishing and threatening and bribing so be sure to check out that workshop until next time i will see you on the next episode thank you so much for watching and that is all i got bye