As parents, we’re approaching connection all wrong!

0:00 I don't know who needs to hear this maybe it's you but connection is way more than just about snuggles and playtime and let me explain so I was recently coaching a parent inside of my private parent coaching Community the mom Sisterhood and in the midst of her talking about her child's behavioral issues she goes I don't get it Dr Jasmine like I feel like I'm doing everything I feel like I am doing all the things that you recommend and

0:27 connecting with her and nothing really is working and so my ears perked up I said well connection tell me more what does that look like for you and she's like well we watch movies together we snuggle I read books I spend quality time with her but nothing seems to be working and here is what I had to help her understand and shift her mindset around was the idea of connection sure yes and I've always advocating for this

0:55 it is so important to spend intentional quality one-on-one time with our child as much as we can right that often includes child directed play and just basically quality time right that is so important in not only preventing behavioral issues but enhancing the overall connection that you have with your child and so you'll often hear me talk about those things but what I don't think we talk enough about is that connection is way more than about those

1:24 things right those things are great but connection also looks like taking time to Circle back after a difficult moment and I think this often gets overlooked and I know I get it we are busy we are overwhelmed as parents but one way to strongly connect with your child is to take time after difficult moments when everybody is calm connected Circle back right we want to run back around the block and say you know what earlier we

1:52 had a really hard time right and I want to make sure that we start working better as a team this is important to me so I want to know you know what was that experience like for you and how can we problem solve and plan for next time this is what connection looks like right because you're sending your child a very clear and strong message that we work as a team and we problem solve as a team

2:20 and so I am going to spend time making sure I understand what that experience was like for you what feelings came up what what was the story right because often times In the Heat of the Moment we're just trying to get through so unless we Circle back and take time to process all of that we're not really getting to the heart of the issue and that's often times why these patterns persist so number one way to connect

2:45 with your child on a much deeper way is to Simply and consistently Circle back to difficult moments with the ultimate goal being to connect with your child and then plan for next time the number two best way to connect with your child on a deeper level is to take time to ask your child for their feedback to ask them very bluntly how am I doing as a parent this is one of those questions we don't often ask as parents if at all

3:14 right and it's not to say we ask this like every day every week but take time you know every now and then whenever it feels appropriate to ask your child for their honest feedback but the most important part of this is to be mindful of your reaction to their feedback right because if you respond defensively you know I didn't say it that way or you know better you know what I mean right like it's so easy when somebody gives us

3:41 constructive feedback to get defensive so you got to be mindful of your response and really just take time to listen and you take it with a grain of salt But ultimately what you are telling your child is that their perception of you matters to you right their experiences matter that you want to take time to hear their feedback so that you have information on whether or not you need to Pivot or do things a little bit

4:10 differently so just ask your child you know how am I doing as your mommy or your daddy or your grandparent right how am I doing has there ever been a time where I made you feel scared or made you feel less than is there anything I can do better or you know what has been your experience in the family since you know brother has entered our family I know it's different but tell me like how is

4:34 it going for you just you know taking time to check in with them but on a very deeper level that we often don't talk about from a day-to-day basis and then Having the courage to of course listen and take in that feedback even if it's a little painful to hear along those same lines another great way to connect with your child on a deeper level is to say sorry and take time to understand how your mistake affected them right I don't

5:02 think we say this enough and it's not to say we over apologize and we're walking on eggshells but you know there's times in parenting where we're like oh I wish I didn't say it that way right I didn't show up as my best self so taking time to Circle back and again that could be you know during those conversations where you're talking with them about a difficult moment but taking time to say you know what I'm sorry I didn't show up

5:26 at my best self and I'm sorry I have a feeling that impacted you can you let me know what that was like for you and ultimately sending the message that you take accountability for the way that you respond right I'm always telling my children it's my job to be the calm one in the relationship right it's my job to manage my feelings that's not your job and when I struggle with that I'm going to let you know like hey Mommy made a

5:53 mistake and I'm sorry what was that like for you how did you feel when I yelled or whatever right just taking time to bluntly say I'm sorry it's such a wonderful way not only to model for your child how to say sorry and apologize and take accountability for mistakes that happen inevitably in relationships but it's also such a wonderful way to build intimacy build trust and connection in the relationship another way to deeply

6:24 connect with your child is to take time to Simply coach them through difficult moments I we're not always going to get this right but whenever possible if we can take time and our energy to coach them through difficult moments right to see them and to validate their emotional experience and take time ultimately to guide them through how to problem solve to say you know wow this is a hard time we're having a hard moment right now our

6:52 feelings are really big I'm going to take a deep breath I know we can do this I know we're going to get through this this and I'm right here with you or you know what was that like for you you guys both want the toy at the same time let's slow down let's think this through how can we solve this so that it's a win-win for everybody right the key to coaching is to use language that's very we oriented

7:17 right we're a team we're working on solving a problem and we're doing it together this is not about you know just go to your room or just be quiet right or stop that give it back to her right whenever possible when we can take time to coach our child which is really about guiding them through difficult moments we are in inevitably building a stronger connection with them right because they come to trust okay wow mommy daddy they

7:46 can handle my intense feelings they can handle when things don't go well right like they're sturdy in this I can look up to them and look for their guidance and they're with me they're on my side side through this right I'm not a bad kid I'm not a bad person my mommy and daddy or whoever they see beyond that right this is not about me as a person this is about just solving a problem and wow okay like I can look at this

8:12 differently right we're shifting their perspective and they're Shifting the way that they see themselves and ultimately the way that they see us as their caregiver and parent through these daily interactions that are inevitably going to happen and big caveat we're not going to get this right all the time okay this is never about perfect parenting okay but whenever possible when we coach our child through these hard moments I want you to know that you are also connecting

8:38 with them another way to connect with your child is to set boundaries but then whenever it makes sense to explain the why behind your limit right it's not enough often times to just say don't do that or do this or go there or whatever but take a little bit of time and a little bit of intention to help them understand the world around them and and why you're making certain decisions because I think that as adults we are

9:04 operating from our adult brain that has a lot of experience a lot of knowledge and it's easy to take for granted our perception of the world right to say well I see it this way this is the way it needs to be done and you should just come along with the program right you should already understand this just come on you know what I mean and so whenever we can take time whenever it makes sense to explain the boundary explain the

9:29 rules and bonus points if you can take some time to get their feedback well what do you think how do you think we should you know respond in this way or act or what do you think we should do that is going to build connection and along those lines you know asking whenever it Mak sense for your child to lead asking for their feedback or their input and even taking some time to say you know what thank you for asking that

9:55 question this just happened to me the other day where my daughter kept asking me well why well why can't I say that well why and she kept asking and I'm like well why can't she say that what is the problem and then I had to circle back and say you know what I'm sorry I think you're right I appreciate you asking me about this because now I think about it differently and actually you're right why why that is silly and you know

10:20 what we're going to change course we're going to Pivot that is inevitably building trust intimacy and connection in the relationship and the last way to deeply connect with your child is to allow for a lot of opportunities for them to take the lead if you think about it kids don't get a lot of opportunities in the day-to-day world to be the leader and decide things and make choices there's a lot of things that are inevitably decided for them and it makes

10:47 sense right so it's not to say that we change that part but I am willing to bet there are so many more opportunities in your day-to-day life where your child can be the leader one of those those being play they should always be the leader in play as long as everything's safe but outside of that are there you know simple choices you can give them or simple questions that you can ask to get their ideas and get their input and

11:12 allow them to make a choice because you are inevitably enhancing connection when you do those things so I hope this helped you see that connection is more than snuggling and playtime connection is so much more deeper than that it looks like taking time to Circle back to difficult moments and plan for next time or taking time to say I'm sorry I didn't handle that the right way I made a mistake and I want to know how that

11:37 impacted you or can you give me some feedback here or thanks for letting me know that you know what I'm going to think about that or actually I'm thinking about that a little bit differently and I appreciate you you know helping shift my mindset around that right anytime we can do some of those things as parents we are inevitably enhancing connection and I want you to remember that if we're looking for shifts in our child's Behavior it's going to be really hard to

12:03 see those changes if we're not connecting with our child in these ways right behavior and parenting is all about a relationship and so we have to see our connection with our child in these deeper ways in order to affect change in their behavior and in the overall family system now if you are looking for more guidance on building more cooperation without having to do all the things I know you hate like yelling and punishing then be sure to

12:35 check out my free discipline Workshop because I walk you through my research-based methodology on how to see more connection see more teamwork in the family without again having to yell and dish out those threats I go through how to help coach your child to manage their big feelings and ultimately how to shift that system around so that we see better behavior in weeks not months okay so go to the mom psychologist. comom slw

13:07 Workshop if you're tuning in on YouTube the link will be in the description and let me know down in the comments was this helpful what are some ways that you have found a deeper connection with your child outside of all the things we love like play and snuggle which I love that right I love a good snuggle session but are there ways now maybe after listening to this episode or or just thinking about it like are there ways that you

13:31 connect with your child in deeper ways let us know down in the comments if you're watching on YouTube that is it for this video I will see you in the next one [Music] bye