Dr. Becky Bailey on PBS - Shifting from Fear to Love

0:25 Hello and welcome to this Connection Special, I'm Patricia Gras. Dr. Becky Bailey is an award-winning author, teacher and internationally recognized expert in childhood education and developmental psychology. She has authored seven books related to guidance and discipline. In her core publication for parents, Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline, she introduces Conscious Discipline, an evidence-based program which is shown to decrease aggression, improve academic scores and create a positive school climate. Dr. Becky Bailey, it's great to have you here. It's wonderful to be here, Patty.

0:57 So explain to me what exactly is Conscious Discipline? Well Conscious Discipline is a way of disciplining children and ourselves so that we shift from a reliance on fear to a reliance on love. What do you mean a reliance on fear? Well I don't know about you, but if you're like me you were raised with a discipline that relied on fear. For example, fear of punishment. What are you doing with these notes right here? Didn't you study for this TV show? You know better than that.

1:24 Wait until your father gets home. So we had fear of punishment, we had fear of failure. Look around here. Look at this mess, Patty. Do you call this clean? You're acting more like your father every day. Then we had fear of loss of love. I work hard. I come home and is it too much to ask you to do a little something around this house? Guilt. Yes and then the big one, fear of abandonment. If you're not dressed by the time I count to three young lady, I am leaving this house without you.

1:56 One, two, two and a quarter. Now probably some of those sound familiar. Absolutely, they all sound familiar. I exaggerated a bit. But they sound very familiar. So we want to shift from that, that's a reliance on fear, to a reliance on love. Now what happens... Love not being an emotion like, gushy, gushy, gushy but love is a decision to bring the best of ourselves to each moment. Right, right. Give me an example of what we should do instead, let's say I didn't, you know, I didn't study for the show for example. What would you tell me as a parent?

2:28 Or I didn't study for my exam tomorrow? What would help you right now get started on what you need to do for this show? What would help you get started? Okay. Perfect. What about this is a mess and it's my mess. As a parent what would you tell me? You have a choice, you can start with the wires on the floor or the papers over here? Which is best for you, Patty. So we wanna shift, now the only way I can do that is for me to have some calmness about me.

2:57 Some consciousness of what I'm saying because with fear, fear always focuses you on what you didn't do. It's negative. But it's always like you didn't do this, you didn't do that. It's like if we had one of those yellow highlighters and you know how you read a book and you highlight, ok let's remember this, oh this is important, this is important... Imagine following your child around with a yellow highlighter and every time they messed up, oops you hit your brother. Oops, you hit him again.

3:22 You have hit him again. And someone highlights for you what you've done wrong all your life that at some point around nine, ten, eleven, twenty, thirty, forty, it coalesces into a belief that I'm not good enough. I don't know about you, Patty, but I've got a lot of degrees, you've got a lot of expertise and accomplishment in your life, but on some level, if you're like me, don't you down deep think, I'm not good enough. I'm not good enough. Absolutely. And that comes from my childhood.

3:49 Right. Yeah, and people are going to find out and that's from relying on fear. Telling you what you've done wrong. So love focuses on what I want you to do, fear focus on what you did wrong. Absolutely what I want you to do. Now, Conscious Discipline is based on brain research. Tell me about the brain research and how it affects discipline. Well every time we get into a conflict moment or a discipline moment, it starts with upset.

4:13 The world is not going the way you think it should. For example, let's say you're the parent and I'm the child, from the parent's point of view, it's not going your way because you want me to clean up my room, and I want to play with my video games. So it's not going as you thought. Now from a child's point of view, let's say, I want to stay up and you want me to go to bed. So discipline starts with those conflicts of needs and that creates upset. So what brain research does, it tells us what happens to us when we get upset. In other words, what happens when our buttons get pushed.

4:45 To our brain? To our brain, and basically what we know is when our buttons get pushed, when we get upset, you're supposed to be going to bed not dinking around in your room, when I get upset, my brain downshifts from the higher centers to the lower centers of my brain, I open my mouth, out comes my mother and I don't even have to move my lips. It's just like, what did I tell you? So we need to become conscious. We need to get from the lower centers to the higher centers before we open our mouth and that's called self control.

5:19 Okay and so when we're at that higher center, we come from a place of calm, of consciousness, from love. And we get these brilliant moments. Everybody has said, when I grow up I will never blank my children. And everybody, I swear to you, has already blanked them more than you would ever know, and we've also had brilliant moments. Where we have brilliance come out of it. That's the difference. The lower centers, we do these unconscious reactive statements. From the higher centers we're able to respond, not just instinctual but stuff I've learned. Its my mother in her worst moment, it's my father in their worst moment.

5:54 We're going to pass on things we don't care to be passing on to the next generation. Right. So the question is how do we get out of these lower centers? Right and go to the higher one. I guess you call it the higher self or the higher brain. We call it the frontal lobe, it's right here. Sometimes we go like this, oh man I could have used my frontal lobe but I forgot, but one of the things you want to do, and this is the big thing, is we're going to call Be a S.T.A.R.

6:18 So Be a S.T.A.R. program means S, smile, Take a deep breath, A, and hold it, R, relax. Be a S.T.A.R., just Smile, Take a deep breath, And Relax. Before you talk? Before you talk. Once you get triggered, stuff starts playing in your head, I don't have to put up with this, this child's not going to get away with this. He may get away with his daddy but he's not going to do it with me. Once that stuff starts playing in your head, you're going to take a deep breath, smile, be a S.T.A.R., and relax. Then you're going to say to yourself, I'm safe. Keep breathing Becky. I can handle this.

6:58 Right, okay. This is huge. Let me tell you a story though before we go on. One cute story. So if I start saying this stuff to myself in my head, I'm safe, keep breathing, I can handle this, when I'm upset, then when a child gets upset in front of me, it's going to be natural to go, you're safe, keep breathing, you can handle it. Of course, that's not what we say to kids, it's like why'd you do this? What are you doing? You know the same stuff we say inside our head is what we're saying to children. Right.

7:21 Because how we discipline ourselves in our talk becomes how we discipline them with what we say out loud. So this little child was three-years-old, mother's been doing this, when they get upset they want a candy, she's going, breathe with me, you can handle this, keep breathing. First she would take her Be a S.T.A.R., then she would say breathe with me, you can handle this, keep breathing. So they have a baby, the little boy has a baby brother, goes up to his baby brother who is a newborn, gets hungry and is crying and crying and crying, the three-year-old walks up to the little baby and goes, breathe with me, Jacob. You can handle this.

8:04 I love it! It works! How do we change behavior in children? Well the only way we can do is to get to the higher centers. So that's step one, self control. We must take that breath, we must be a S.T.A.R., we must change our inner speech. I'm safe, keep breathing, I can handle this. Then from there, we can become the person we want children to be. We become the model. We keep believing, I said be quiet! We still think we can be a nut and get them to calm down. And get them not to be nuts. Right, we still think that we can yell at people when they cut us off in traffic, and they're not going to yell at their friends when they don't do what they want them to do. We keep believing this but we've got to get to this higher center. In other words, you're talking about mirroring. I mean if the adult doesn't behave and behaves a certain way, how do you expect the children, if they see you do these things, to behave better, correct? Correct, and we actually know now by neuroscience we have mirror cells, actually cells in our body that are designed to copy one another.

9:10 This is how we learn to talk. Right, so it's so important for parents to behave in a certain way so that the children behave properly. And that's the only way. It's the only way it's going to work. We have to discipline ourselves first, our children second. You have to walk the talk, basically. And it's hard because we haven't learned how to do that. We didn't learn that from our parents. So you have to change that paradigm.

9:28 Exactly, and that's what Conscious Discipline is. Changing it right now with ourselves so that we can become who we want our children to be. Absolutely, now why is it important for adults to understand how children think visually as opposed to verbally? This is very important. How we govern our behavior is essential. Young children govern their behavior with images in their brain. In other words, they have pictures in their brain. You and I govern generally by talk, you know, in our head we're going, alright I'm not going to tell her about this because it will come back to me or we're going to say, well I'm not going to park here because then I might get a ticket. We're thinking of the consequences but we govern our behavior in our head with talk.

10:08 Kids have pictures in their head, images. So think about this... What comes in your mind when I say Patty don't think about a purple alligator, what pops in your head? A purple alligator. Yeah. If I said, don't run in the house, what pops in your head? I'm running in the house. Running in the house. So if we create images in children's heads of what we don't want them to do then turn around and demand they do it, it's very confusing, very confusing.

10:39 So what we want to do is paint pictures of what we want children to do. Now I'm going to give you three examples, and you're going to be the child, and we're going to be doing it about picking up the toys. Okay, three examples. Which one creates the best picture for you? Alright here we go. I said, clean up this mess! Look at this mess! Clean it up! That's A. B, what did I just tell you?

11:02 What did I just tell you? C, pick up each toy and place it where it goes. Pick up each one, one at the time, and start right here. Right with the trucks. Pick up each one and put it away. Which one created the best visual? The third one because it's a visual image. I can see myself picking up the toy and putting it. Just like a gymnast rehearsing for the Olympics, you know, and their little flip-flip- flip things.

11:27 Which they do. What about conflict between children? Most parents have more than one child if they have children, there's always conflict. How do they handle it properly? Well it's not so much properly. I think that we're scared of conflict. I don't know about you, but I am. The conflict skills I got growing up were yell, this is the ones I watched, yell, be quiet for two days and don't speak to each other, cry, and hide. And blame each other or try to be right.

12:07 These are basically my whole tools kit, so when I end up trying to help my children with conflict, I don't like to pull those out. So I like to avoid conflict, I want it to go away because when I act like yelling or screaming, I don't like who I am. Does that make sense? Sure, absolutely. So, I think parents in general like to avoid conflict. I want it to go away and they're looking for the magic bullet that's going to make it all go away, so that I don't get upset, act like I don't want to act and then feel guilty about it.

12:39 And it's all your fault, the child. If you'd act right, we wouldn't have this problem. So what we're going to do is change our view of conflict. What if conflict was an opportunity to teach life skills? What a great way to look at it. Right, so we've got to change our perception then we can change our response. So let's say we're sitting on the couch, go ahead and just push me. So what happens with this is parents will see this and I'll go, mommy, she pushed me!

13:09 And mom's hollering from the kitchen, cut it out you two! Or better yet mom says, stop pushing her, or, if I get involved, you both will go to your room. So what if we did it differently? Push me again. And I go, she pushed me, and mom comes over and says, did you like it? Well, no. And then you can use it as a teaching. Tell her, I don't like it when you push me. Keep your hands to yourself.

13:37 Now I've learned language to deal with you. So push me now, the next time, I don't like it when you push me. Keep your hands to yourself. We've used these conflict moments to give actual language and communication skills to our children, as opposed to, I want you two to just go away and get outside and play. Then I turn to you and say you wanted her to move. When you want her to move say, scoot over.

14:04 I used these moments to teach as opposed to punish. Right, teaching moments. What concerns you the most today about children in American culture and discipline? I think the biggest thing that I'm concerned about is lack of connection. Lack of connection and let me just explain why. When we would connect with another person, just you and me, just go like this. Just this moment of us connecting does phenomenal things in the brain. It activates our attention system, so we can focus. It activates our motivation system, so that we can set a goal and reach it.

14:44 It activates our impulse control, so that I can control my impulses. Just these simple moments. So what you're doing here, you're looking at me. I'm making eye contact. You're touching me. I'm touching you. I'm very present with you, and I'm kind of light. Those simple connection moments do all that in the brain. Without them we're getting children who are inattentive, unmotivated, and lack impulse control. We see it on the news, we see it everywhere. They probably feel unloved.

15:15 Unloved, unworthy, not a sense of belonging. But teachers, say for example, are not allowed to touch. We have got to work out ways where we actually can reach out and touch someone without it being sexual. We went through a period where we were scared because of lawsuits and stuff, we've got to move beyond that. We know what's inappropriate and appropriate touch. We know how important touch is between parents and children. It's the only sense you can't live without.

15:42 You can be blind and be fine. Deaf and be fine, but if you are not touched, you will die. I've always said hugs are good. Hugs are good. You have examples of "I love you" rituals. Tell me what you use these for, I guess this would be one way to connect. It is. They're designed to connect with children. We're in a busy life. Parents are busy, they're working two or three jobs, everyone's hustling and bustling, we're not able to be present in the moment, so these are quick ways to get a connection with our children. Let me give you an example of one.

16:14 So this is going to be called a story hand, and what you do is you tell a story on the child's hands. So you could go, this little finger is a TV interviewer. This little finger brought Becky Bailey to the studio. This little finger has one brother, and this little finger loves to travel. But this finger sometimes wonders if my show is making a difference. But don't you worry, Patty, all your work is benefitting many, many people. So do you feel the power of that?

16:47 Especially when you close my hand it feels like it's all together, working together. With kids it would be this little finger did their homework, this little finger, and this is always about an anxiety. Let me tell you a story. I took this little girl to see her mom who was in prison. She was three years old, as we left, of course, she was sobbing to death. She was just like (sobbing sounds). She just couldn't handle it and I took a hand, and I did the same thing, the story hand. This little finger saw her mom. This little finger smelled her mom, and climbed on her.

17:17 This little finger played in her mom's hair. This little finger laughed and giggled with her mom, but this little thumb wondered, what's going to happen to me? You're going to stay in the green house with Miss Smith until your mommy gets better. That little girl held her thumbs for three days like this. She felt safe. She felt safe. And this is the anxiety. This is anxiety, You've got to close that in. This is the reassurance. You do it every night. Parents need to start tonight. Do it every night.

17:49 I think so, it's the way to do it. Now give me examples of how, generally, we have been taught rules and consequences. This is kind of how parents are taught today. This is how you discipline your children, rules and consequences. What's a different way of doing that? You've kind of explained that, but is it always wrong to do it that way? No, but that assumes that rules govern behavior. Now if rules govern behavior we should have nobody in jail, right? You can go from jail cell to jail cell saying, what's our rule about killing?

18:25 They knew. Rules don't govern behavior, what governs behavior is my relationship and connection with you. I'll give you an example. Let's say you're sitting on the couch with your husband, been married twenty years, your communication is good, life is good, you're really talking, things are going well, the relationship is good, connection is good. One of you gets off the couch and says, would you get me something from the fridge? What do you say? I don't really want to. Get it yourself. I'm tired.

18:56 But your relationship is good! So I should get up and get it? But if the relationship is severed and you haven't been talking for twenty years. I see what you're saying. If the relationship is good, you're more likely to say, you bet ya honey. I'll get you whatever you what. But if you haven't spoke in ten years.. Why can't I be the one asking him to get me something? Exactly. You've got legs, we've got stuff for this.

19:22 So when the relationship is good we're more willing to be cooperative. Absolutely. When a relationship is severed, and there's not much connection, we're not going to do it. So rules don't govern behavior, our relationship, our connection does. And that's what you're seeing with these kids these days. They're disconnected, disconnected kids break rules. They don't care. They have to get reconnected. When kids say, I don't care, they're saying, I don't feel like I have been cared for.

19:53 I'm going to take your TV away. I don't care. I'm going to take your video games away. I don't care. If you don't do your homework, you're not going to go with your friends. I don't care. That means, I don't feel like I've been cared for, and we've got to get connection with these kids. Forget the rules, take a moment. Ask them questions, look at them, touch them. Hug them. Hug your children. How do we deal with teaching kids how to deal with negative emotions, with anger?

20:25 Because if we had learned that as children, we would do so much better as adults. This is a great question because we started this program talking about Be a S.T.A.R. As an adult, I need to Be a S.T.A.R. but we teach that to children. We teach it so when the children start getting upset we're going, come on now, Be a S.T.A.R., breathe, you can handle this. It's that constant. The antidote to anger is calming down. So we can teach them to breathe.

20:52 We can teach them to visualize something positive if they're older, but we've got to teach them specifically how to calm down. We usually say, you just go to your room and think about this and calm down, and we wait for it to dissipate. In 20 or 30 minutes, they come out. We don't need to wait 20 or 30 minutes. We need to actively calm ourselves down. So we Be a S.T.A.R. You calm yourself down immediately. We model it for kids, we tell them to do it, we ask them to do it, we show them how and I'll do it first. Here's the rule, if you're upset I'm going to breathe for you, and if I do that it's harder for you to come at me, isn't it? Right. As opposed to me going, (imitates yelling).

21:34 Yeah exactly. That's easy, right? You're going to come back at me, but if I go, come on Patty, breathe with me, you can handle this, you can do it. It's so much easier to do that with children than it is to do with adults. An adult will look at you like you're crazy, but a child it will be kind of unique and different. Oh yeah, just me smiling makes a difference. You also recommend in your teachings, don't use the word "don't." That kind of goes back with that encoding. When I say, don't touch the lamp, what the brain hears is touch the lamp! You can almost see this with every two-year-old, every two-year-old will do this. You say, don't touch it, and they'll go, okay. They think they're complying with your request.

22:23 Okay, touch it. And then you go, what did I tell you. You can see how confusing that is for kids. Again, love does two things. It says, bring the best of myself to each moment. Go from the lower to the higher centers. And, focus on what you want them to do. Instead of, don't touch the lamp, put your hand in mine, put your hand in mine and I'll show you how we touch delicate things. Very important to teach children because this kind of teaches us about boundaries.

22:56 Teach children how to say no in certain situations. How do you do that? First of all, we've got to be comfortable with saying no. So when they say, but I wanted the candy, I wanted the candy, just one little piece of candy. No, or we say yes, you can have it after dinner, but we've got to set a boundary. Set a tight boundary, so we've got to be comfortable saying no. If we can't say no to children, we can't say no to alcohol, we can't say no to anything, so no is a big word.

23:26 So how do you teach them? So what you want to do is first of all, we show them how to set the boundary with their brother, similar to like on the couch. No, I don't like it. I don't like it when you push me. I don't like it when you touch my belongings. Ask me first. We have to give them the exact language to use. Teach them language. Teach them language. We can't say, go talk to your brother.

23:52 You know what that means. Tell your brother how to do whatever he wants him to do. Yes, you need to specifically give them the sentence to carry. Go tell your brother, give me back my ball. You may not borrow it. Give them the sentence so they can carry it. Don't just send them off because they'll go, bam! That's right, now what is a great way for parents who are watching this show to start with something today?

24:15 Okay, here's where we start. First, when our buttons get pushed, we're all now going to Be a S.T.A.R. We're going to Smile, Take a deep breath, Relax. We're going to say to ourselves, I'm safe, keep breathing, I can handle that. Say that with me, I am safe, keep breathing, I can handle this. Alright so that's first, second we're going to use conflict as a teaching moment. So when they go, he pushed me, first thing you're going to say is, did you like?

24:47 Tell him I don't like it. I don't like it. Give me back my ball. Give me back my ball. Okay. And we're going to do an I love you ritual. Here's one everyone can start right off the bat. We can do the hand one, or we can just do this at night when they go to bed. I'm going to say goodnight to your shoulder, I'm going to say goodnight to your elbow, I'm going to say goodnight to your thumb. And to your nose. We have to end it there, thank you so much, Dr Becky Bailey for joining, it's great information, great information. It's been a pleasure.

25:18 And that's our show for tonight. For more information on Conscious Discipline, you can visit WWW dot Conscious Discipline dot com. We're always interested in what you have to say, so if you have a question or comment about the show, call us at 713 743 8513 or send us an email at the connection at Houston PBS dot org, and don't forget you can always find out about The Connection by going to our website at Houston PBS dot org. Thank you for watching.