0:14 foreign you know when i started out parenting i didn't really know what i was doing like most parents and i did think that if i read every book that kind of aligned with my values that i could just figure it out and get the recipe for how to parent and how to get kids that turn out great and um yeah it didn't really work like that tell me more what was what didn't work i think that there was just this fear

0:48 and anxiety of not getting it right so if i didn't follow the book to the t that i would somehow screw up the kids and that if my partner didn't follow my instructions he would then screw up our kids so you know it turned into this controlling thing where i was trying to control him i was trying to control the situation i remember shouting to him in the other room during diaper changes and saying you're not letting them know what what

1:17 you're doing first you're not asking for consent to change the diaper and just thinking well this is the end of the world and we've already screwed them up so um yeah it was definitely you know it brought out this perfectionist side in me that we just had to get it right and we had to do what the book said and yeah it caused a lot more fear and anxiety than i probably would have liked

1:48 probably the drive to know more and do better came from knowing that there was this possibility of intergenerational trauma i know my mother's upbringing was not so easy for her and she didn't have a lot of support from her mother and you know when my mother had me she was really young and she was a single mom and we didn't have a lot of money she was working two jobs a lot so she showed up for me

2:18 the best that she could and a lot of times you know she would be triggered and she would have her big feelings and then i too would have my big feelings so i guess i didn't always feel safe to share my big feelings with her um and i didn't want that for my kids i knew that that was an important piece of having a relationship with someone to be able to say hey this isn't working for me or this upset me

2:47 or i'm just feeling this way and know that that would be received by the other person in a safe way i had to be really sensitive around my sensitive mother and make sure that i didn't upset her um because i'd feel really guilty for that because she was doing the best she could and um yeah it was also a bit scary right it's a bit scary when your parents yell at you so i really didn't want that for my kids

3:21 when i joined the membership i thought we'd be getting lots of information and lots of support which we did the right piece of information that would make everything but i didn't expect the reparenting piece i think that was something that well i know it was something that i had never heard of but it was something that caught me by surprise and was really powerful for me um just to kind of go back and talk to that

3:52 younger person who i never knew was still in there but she is and just let her know that your feelings are important and you don't have to be scared to voice your feelings and you're safe in all situations and you're doing okay [Music] my husband is working from home which is

4:22 really nice and i think it's made us all a lot closer um but my son has become very attached to him and really just wants daddy a lot of the time and in the mornings they wake up first and they go downstairs and my daughter and i sleep in a little bit later but then when i come downstairs he knows that daddy's probably going to work and i have to say goodbye to daddy so when i went down he was angry with me

4:47 and he was you know saying things like i want to throw all my animals at you and hurt you and make you go away so um before me before all this would have probably taken that really personally and just said oh yeah you know i hear you you're angry you're angry but kind of acknowledging that oh you really love daddy you miss daddy and when mommy comes down you know that daddy is probably going to

5:18 have to say goodbye um you know how many minutes of play would you like with daddy before he has to go to work and just saying you know you would having a few minutes with dad help you and um just kind of going you know this is the need that you have right you really need to connect with daddy before he goes like it's all the sudden here's mommy and your time's over so um so they sat down

5:41 and they played legos together for a few minutes and then when my husband had to go to work he said okay bye daddy mommy come play with me and i okay sure so yeah so it just you know we can just see how his needs are being met and he's okay and maybe it's not daddy doesn't go to work that day like he's asking for but it's saying all right like five minutes should do the trick and

6:07 then i'll feel better and more prepared for this so [Music] i feel a lot more confident about everything because not well not because i have the answers but because i just feel like i know how to connect better with my kids or just connect with the situation and i'm not trying to figure it out figure out what to do about it but just how to be there

6:38 or remind myself how to be there so that we are all kind of working on the same page and talking to each other