0:00 [Music] hello everyone and welcome to a new episode of parenting and you with me Dr shaali so many of us parents are stuck in the past I know in my daughter's early childhood so much of my mind was consumed with regret and about things I should have done yesterday and the weeks before or years before and I wasn't really PR present much of my work in

0:31 conscious parenting is about helping parents release their past and enter the time zone of the present moment because that's where children live coming up next a mother who's feeling guilty about the time she didn't spend with her son during his early years when I look back at my parenting there's so many moments that I feel like I wasn't present for I just

1:04 miss them they vast chunks of my daughter's life that I honestly feel I was in a haze of fatigue and exhaustion and work pressure it's so easy for us parents to feel like we've missed out on vital moments of our children's lives and that's what my next guest is experiencing joining me now is Erica she is a military veteran and her job LED her to be away from her son's life for big chunks of time and now she feels

1:35 like she's missed out on key moments of her 15-year-old son's life hi Erica thank you for joining us thank you thank you for having me so explain to me in your own words what you're feeling a struggle around um so one of the things that I feel a struggle around is really connecting more with my son I do believe that me and him we do have a good relationship and now he's in those teenage years and I'm trying to connect

2:04 with him and I'm also feel like I do overcompensate for the time that I did miss in his life um during my time in service I uh was in the Air Force for 12 years I deployed about four times so I missed uh his second birthday I missed part of his third year life I miss part of his kindergarten year and also part of his third grade year so I miss out on a lot of key moments that um I'm trying

2:34 to overcompensate for and I feel a little bit of guilt because of that I'm sure I'm sure it's so hard for us parents especially working mothers because we're doing the best we can I mean you couldn't be in two places at the same time so now you're feeling guilty and so now when you try to connect how does he show you that he's not connected sometimes I feel that he shows me that he's not connected I could

3:00 um I would say by uh the way he maybe respond to things that he may see that hey you know you are really there doing certain parts I feel like there's like a disconnect sometime and it could be because he is growing up and he's becoming a man and you know I'm the mother that maybe I could maybe be a little bit overbearing and then sometimes also uh you know when I do see that he may be getting off the track I

3:27 may be a little more serious and a little bit more Stern with him and he's just like you know like disconnecting from me and not really trying to uh connect as much well here's the thing see when we as adults as parents are consumed by a guilt it's like we blame everything on that guilt you know what I mean so he could be just a regular 15-year-old who is annoyed by his mother or rebelling you know against your

3:58 overcontrol and that may be something for you to look at but in your mind because you're so guilty you take everything back to oh my goodness I wonder if this is because he's so upset with me I wonder if this is because I wasn't there in second grade or I missed his school play and you're taking everything back there now I'm not saying that that did not have an effect but by your feeling guilty about the past

4:23 you're ruining your present moment right so the first thing we have to do is that you have to be become comfortable with the fact that you did the best you could given your life circumstance given your Consciousness and you have to reframe I wasn't there for him which is which is a fact but reframe it for yourself to I was really trying to provide for him so I was trying to be there in the best way

4:52 I could right you were still there you just weren't there in the way he may have needed you to be there and why do I say it's important to reframe because if we keep beating ourselves down then the present moment gets completely confused and off fiscated and blocked from connection because you're so consumed by guilt you're not here right now absolutely I totally agree with that CU I think that's where I go back to is the

5:23 moments that I weren't there and I'm like you know I want to give him the best life I want him to have the best outcome that he can have so it's like I'm trying my best to okay what are the things that you're into uh you know let me get behind you on those things okay you know college is coming up all right let me get behind you there make sure your grades look good make sure we're

5:45 doing all the planning that we need to do I totally agree because I definitely can say that I do go back to those moments that I wasn't there and I'm like you know I need to make up for lost time correct so now you're making up up for lost time is through over hovering or over compensating or overdoing everything you listed right now let's get your grades on track let's make sure you're doing all the things you want to

6:11 do all that performance is not real emotional connection if you really want to connect you have to a let him know that you're always remembering that you may have hurt him and you're well aware and you acknowledge the pain and number two you are here now in your presence in your availability in your trust of him in your empowerment of him but that

6:42 doesn't mean you have to become a do a holic right keep doing and doing and doing that's why he's probably disconnected from you because you're like okay I missed your first few years let's make it an amazing next 10 years and you're looking at him like some project right like you are again almost military style commanding this childhood and children don't like commanders they don't like Sergeant they want us to be present in

7:14 our hearts and maybe you've been someone who's been such a doer such an achiever I mean you were in the military that takes a real strong kind of personality maybe he needs a more sof soft touch a more relaxed attitude so let me ask you do you think you are a laid back relaxed easygoing mother or do you think you're like on the go on the on the job kind of mom uh I feel like

7:47 I'm a little bit of both I'm learning how to be a little bit more laidback a little bit more nurtury as well um but I also do have that serious side where I'm like okay did you get this done did you do this did what were we next on this and then he's also you know um have extracurricular activities and you know I'm like okay we have to go here we have to do this did you see what your coach

8:10 said did you see what these people say and I'm trying to keep make sure he stays on track as well so sometimes I may can be a little bit militant I I think when our kids grow older they need us to begin walking by their side not in front of them and then slowly get behind them and I think because you missed the first years and you're so guilty about it you are overdoing the leadership now overdoing

8:40 the doing because you are making up for lost time but this is not the age to be an overdo with our children no teenager likes a sort of militant mom or a a overbearing helicopter type of parent because teenage ERS need to find their own way and if we come down hard on them especially if we're guilty about making up for L time and let's rush and let's really show them that I'm here oh my

9:11 goodness they're going to run away from us and maybe that's what your teenager is trying to communicate mom like I got it you cannot make up for those early years now you see the earli years are not in the present moment so we have to attune to what our child needs now instead of working from our guilt because when we work from guilt we miss the signs that our children are trying to communicate because we're so consumed

9:42 by assuaging and calming our own guilt right so you have to ask yourself next time every time you're with your son wait a second is this my guilt talking or is this something my child really needs from me and doing that inner work reflection pausing will allow you to begin to discern does my child need me in this way right now or is this just me trying to overcompensate because I'm

10:14 guilty yeah yeah I can I definitely can uh can see that and understand that and I love the way that you put it because it's like you know I do believe that there are times where I do show up in the guilt instead of in the present so I I think that are that's things that I will be definitely working on to make sure I'm showing up more in the present and not from what has happened in the

10:40 past where I wasn't able to be there um for those moments that he had exactly and reframe for yourself because I think you're hard on yourself the reason we're hard on our children is because somewhere we're hard on ourselves but if you begin to have more self-care and comp passion for why you went to the military why you were not there and not just you know operate out of this robotic habitual guilt you will soften

11:11 you didn't do this because you were you know loving being away from your son you did it because at that time and I'm projecting but I'm pretty sure you did it because you felt that was what you needed to do for the family for the income for the job you had and you didn't know any better back then so when you have compassion for yourself your guilt will calm down and when your guilt calms down then you won't ride yourself

11:38 so much to ride your son so much and then your son will be more easygoing around you you know I always tell parents the reason why our teenagers run from us is because they sense our overperforming they sense that we're looking at them as the next project to work on as somebody to order around and teenagers don't like that so when Mommy is relaxed when Mommy is calm then teenagers around mommy feel much better

12:10 and they come toward you instead of running away from you so I think your teenager is inviting you to release that guilt I think it's time that you let that go definitely I believe that is something that I'm going to work on so that way I can you know definitely parent him better and really show up for him now because when I think about it I just technically have three more years with him before he's the adult so I'm

12:38 trying to make sure I had so many moments and so many memories with him and um you know when you think about it I'm like man three more years and he's going to be technically out of the house going to college or making his own way and impacting this world and I just I think I think about that too because it just seems like the 15 years have just flown on by and I'm like oh my God

13:01 that's my still my little baby at the end of the day well here's the thing right again because you feel you missed out on the baby years because you feel you weren't present so much now you're trying to make up for L time and you're shoving all these things into these next three years because now you're afraid of the future so you're in the past worried about what you missed looking into the future worried that there's not enough

13:29 time and you are rioting yourself and your child too much you cannot make up for what has gone and you cannot compensate for what you imagine will come you are you're not here and and being here now means allowing your teenager to maneuver the space according to his choice and if you push it too hard and you're not attuned with your teenager he or any teenager will disconnect

13:59 because Mommy is working from the past the guilt of the past and the anxiety about the future and both of them are things that our teenagers you know absolutely repel from and they don't gravitate toward so you're creating this chaos within yourself that is translating to your son and he is moving away from you because of that he's not moving away from you because you weren't there in the past he's moving away because you're overdoing it in the

14:29 present absolutely um and I have definitely had a conversation with him and I say you know I definitely have missed some some sometimes in your life like do you what are your feelings toward that and he said I know you have to do what you had to do because that was a part of your job that was a part of what you supposed to have to do he said I really don't feel any way about it and he's really like happy with you

14:53 know I guess how things are going but he does want me to be a little bit I guess less overbearing and and also having more of a connection with him so he's not even thinking about what happened in past he's in the present exactly I always say children are the gurus of the present but we live in the time zone of the past and in the time zone of the future so which time zone are you in you

15:17 have to keep asking yourself which time zone am I in where am I right now am I in the past or am I in the future and enter the present moment it sounds like your son is more than fine but mommy isn't fine yes momy got to get it together with the guilt so we always do we always do thank you so much for being here you've been a delight thank you for sharing your story thank you so much I

15:42 appreciate you having me on as I was speaking with Erica I really resonated with her desire to connect with her son you know so many of us feel like we've missed out and we just so badly want to bond with our children but what what we forget is in our longing to bond we may come across as overbearing as overd dominating and actually misat tuning with where our children are in the present moment and when we disconnect

16:13 from the present moment with our children they sense it and then they withdraw and then we set off a cycle a pattern of a dysfunctional relationship so we always need to be mindful of whether we are coming to the present moment with guilt or lack or scarcity because that will block our ability to truly align with where our children are coming up next a mother of two toddlers

16:44 who says that every time they scream or fight it's so hard for her that she wants to disappear every parent is going to relate to my next guest because she is dealing with two toddlers who can make her anxious and make her want to disappear here's AATA tell us what's going on with you hi um H I'd say that

17:15 ever since we me and my boys uh have entered the toddlerhood I have started experiencing a lot of fear in me and it was about their big emotions it wasn't fear in general it's just big emotions and as we all know toddlerhood is basically built on big emotions right there's like big emotions about everything and when they happen

17:48 there's screaming yelling Ridiculousness you know it's just chaos I started noticing this this fear in me I remembered the the time times when I was going to pick them up from daycare and I would have those stomach cramps or something like that and I was like what is going on and then I remembered okay they're going to get to the car or not and the chaos will unravel and then I'm

18:19 going to be scared uh so after after a while I mean I'm in your Institute so I've done a lot of work and it's been so much better than it was some time ago and I noticed that this fear is a thief for me you know it steals from me every day because I just It Takes Me Away to my past and it takes me to the future you know in

18:50 this like magical world when my kids don't scream they just communicate so obviously that just takes me from the present moment which I do want I I want to be there for them you know because I I don't I don't want to miss it out and I feel like it makes me miss out a lot so yeah there's this fear it I know where it came from yes so let me ask you

19:22 because you're so expressive and articulate tell us in few lines where you think this fear came came from because parents who are listening first they're going to be so impressed by how articulate you are and uh I love that you're one of my students in my coaching Institute but you're showing parents that you are working on yourself you're aware of your issues and you're trying to get the help and I want every parent out there listening to know that you're

19:54 not alone even though Agata is in my Institute she's working on herself she's still in the midst of her issues and that's okay we're all in this together listen parenting is one of the hardest things we will ever do and it brings up all our stuff from the past and like AATA you too may be struggling but like her you too can learn how to work through the struggle so Agata what have you discovered in a few lines about

20:24 where this fear is coming from okay um from my very early childhood because um my parents were horrible at handling big feelings H I would actually say the big feelings were handling my parents yes so um they would use all kinds of this toxic tools like screaming yelling belittling uh being mean cursing throwing things you know smashing things so for a young child that I was it was

20:56 it just created this very very unsafe environment and that's when the fear was born and when my children were born the fear came just you know here here's the thing though G your parents were toddlers yes absolutely you know I always say many of us adults are toddlers in tuxedos and ball gowns your parents were exactly the same energy that your two toddlers are now so at Le

21:28 at least you can have compassion that you're not the crazy one you're not a bad parent you are reliving the trauma of having lived through this with adults in the past but here's the thing right our real toddlers the children you have right now they are actually normal they are actually healthy they are doing what they need to do and your parents were stuck in toddler energy G because their

22:00 parents didn't help them to work through what your toddlers need you to help them to work through you see so now we get to break the pattern we get to break the pattern in the present moment but we know why you're terrified so if we go back you know to the ancestors your parents' parents were not helped when they were Toddlers and they had parents who weren't helped by their parents so now here we are three generations later

22:30 Agata and her toddlers toddlers are freaking her out she's remembering her past she's like I want to dissociate I want to run away I don't want to be in the present moment but your toddlers need you to help them regulate and if you come back into your body and keep working on yourself and I'm going to give you a few tools right now that may help you you can begin to break the pattern you're not a crazy parent you're

22:59 not a bad parent but you are a traumatized little girl who feels as if she's back in her crazy chaotic childhood and so she disappears from her body her toddlers go even more crazy because they're like where's mommy and they don't get what they need from you in the present moment yeah so you know because you're in my Institute that I always talk about the present moment we can only begin feeling right here right

23:30 now so the next time you're with your toddlers that's the present moment and then the next time if you missed that time is the next present moment so we're going to use the next present moments to practice what I'm about to say so the first thing we have to do is realize that you are not a little girl anymore you're actually quite a grownup quite an adult so you don't don't have to run away like you did in childhood so first

24:01 you have to come back into the time zone of the present like oh okay I'm not a little girl I'm not a little girl but the second thing you need to do is you need to take care of that little girl and say okay I'm here for you little girl I'm here I'm the adult now you're not alone because you see your little girl was so alone watching her parents go crazy she didn't have help so now you

24:28 need to help her in the moments when your toddlers come home when your toddlers are acting out and the third thing is you need to keep repeating my toddlers are not my parents my toddlers are not my parents right so this will ground you so these are the things you do internally now what do you do with them to help them right you can only help them after you've helped yourself if you're not regulated you cannot help

24:53 them you know that so now once you've done the inner work you're a little bit calmer now you need to look at your toddlers as these little beings who really just want the mother to sooe them and either laugh with them play with them or just contain them right just soothe them but they need the mother to know that they're not bad they're not monsters they're not evil they're not troubling you if they

25:25 read on your face that you're looking at them like them monsters that's going to freak them out more because they're seeing you be scared of them so now they're like oh my goodness my caregiver is looking scared so I'm a bad person and now I'm scared of myself because if she's so scared of me I must be a really scary monster so you're looking at them as if they're scary because you're looking at them as if they're your

25:51 parents so that's what's making them more scared so I just saw I saw you become really still so what resonated with you right now what you were saying I remember myself from some time ago and they would definitely see a scared person in front of them I know that they do not see the scared person anymore they just see their mom who comes to

26:23 them with some sort of feelings and I'm very open to them sometimes I'm like gosh too much for mommy at the moment but I am really honest and I feel like I'm being true with them okay so here's the thing but when you just said to them Mommy feels like this is too much for Mommy that is you telling them you can't handle it they're they're too much and you're scared yeah I get it's a different way of saying it so at least

26:54 you're saying it I think what you're trying to say is before you just were terrified now you're trying to be authentic and you're in your body but you're still in your body like a little girl yeah now we have to go to the next step of being in our body like an adult so good good progress but now you you're just telling them what you were feeling before you were just feeling it and not realizing it but that still makes them

27:20 feel unsafe because they are not too much for you they're too much for the little girl in you but they're not too much for the adult in you because if I was to act out right now AATA and if I was to cry I can guarantee you you will come to me like the most beautiful mother because I don't remind you of your chaotic parents because they remind you of your parents you're not being a parent to them you're being a little

27:45 girl a co- toddler little older than them telling them be quiet because I can't handle you and that message for a toddler is the worst message in the world because that makes them feel so bad so here's what we need to do we need to really soothe ourselves in the moment and see them for the helpless beings that they are like you were when you were a little girl you wanted more than anything to be played with to be laughed

28:16 with to be enjoyed to be you know loved and accepted you need to channel that energy for yourself and for them that's the energy you you never had as a child your parents never gave you that energy they never gave you the energy of little girl you're safe little girl you're accepted little girl You're vulnerable I see you so when you can give that to yourself only then will you be able to give it to your children what's what's

28:48 coming up for you right now I had an epiphany in me that I have never once came to the situation with my children from this position of a grownup yes yes yeah I it was a best it worse an equal right right you were looking at them you were looking at them as your Playmates hi guys can we please just can we please take care of each other can you take care can you take care of me I mean I just got Goose flesh

29:20 when you said you just had an epiphany because I felt it you are begging your little children to take care of you you're begging them to please give me a break right so so so what you're communicating to them is you are bad you're driving me crazy it's your fault and guess what you have the power to change and that makes them feel really unsafe because they don't have the power to change because they don't even know

29:50 they should change they thought they're being just themselves so we're communicating to them in all sorts of ways that they are not good enough because you're too scared and that that comes from your past but the first step I that is for you to realize that you are growing up and you can take care of your little girl and your little toddlers don't need to take care of you anymore absolutely yes yeah like I can be this mother like

30:25 I can't do this oh so do this yeah I I think my motto for last year and a half was like I can't do this I cannot do this it's too much it's too much for everyone it's too much for them it's too much for me I mean toddlerhood Jesus I mean it's too and um yeah because I was just I was belittling myself very much you know yeah but then how how would I how would I know not to

30:57 Bel little myself exactly exactly I mean I have rivers of goose flesh just as you're talking because I can see I can see the light bulbs going off in you right now that you're realizing how number one you were expecting your children to take care of you you were begging them to be nicer to you and to be calmer so that you could feel safe and how you've been so hard on yourself and that's why you're hard on

31:27 them and and the last thing is you don't realize that you are capable of taking care of your little girl so that your children feel safer your children are not the problem it's this loud noise inside you that is screaming alarm alarm fire fire because when you were young with your parents it was like a fire going off every day but see now I when we first started talking there was a part in me that wanted to say that I'm

31:56 very much aware that my children are not the problem but saying something and actually believing yes there are two different things and I just realized that now that in theory I feel my kids are not the problem that's just their developmental stage they have to be this way they should be I appreciate even them this way you know but this was something I guess that I was saying to

32:28 so you know not living this not not embodying this situation I think yeah oh God yeah so it was like a separate concept this concept of my children not being the problem I was right here and there was me where they were the total problem yeah okay so what's what's the one big take away you're taking away AATA tell all of us parents so we you can help us all you even though I did

33:00 not get emotional education how to be a grownup in a tough situation now that I am um I can absolutely make myself the grownup that I want to be and that my children need to have oh yeah absolutely I I truly believe you're going to do it you're such an emotionally attuned aware intelligent woman I mean you have just blown me away

33:30 and you just needed to connect the dots even more and now you have so much to work on in the next moment that you're with your toddlers remember it's only going to be in the moment that you can show up differently so start right now don't think about the past or the future the moment is now thank you so much for joining us Agata it was a big gift speaking to you thank you hearing from both the parents today I was really

33:58 struck by how hard it is for us to release the past and enter the now and our children you see I always call them the gurus of the present moment they need us to attune to who they are in the present moment but because of our past either our guilt or our own childhood baggage our own judgment from our parents whatever the reason we are are Hostage to our past and abducted from

34:31 the present moment our children then feel the disconnect and they reflect that disconnect back to us which then strangely enough takes us back into the past and we repeat the dysfunctional cycle in my book The Parenting map I have this really beautiful chapter about how to release the past and enter the now I'm going to read a short AC I always remind myself and other parents that the only moment that is relevant is

35:04 the one we are in right here right now in this moment we get to rewrite our narratives and begin a new this moment in the now is a new one when we can start fresh the past is no longer here and even when we remember it we need to remind ourselves that it is contaminated by time and imprecise memories we will never remember the past exactly the way

35:35 it happened for this reason there is no point in regurgitating the past over and over the only way the past is relevant is in how it influences our present moment the only way we can move away from the past is by pausing by asking am I in the past right now or in the present moment and I always tell parents and this is a reminder for all of us right now follow your children's lead

36:06 for they more than any other human are always in the present moment if you enjoyed listening to this episode and received its many teachings don't forget to subscribe and share it with those you love and I will see you on the next episode of parenting and you with me Dr shaali parenting and you with Dr shaali is for educational and informational purposes only it is not intended as a

36:38 substitute for professional medical psychological psychotherapeutic coaching health care or other qualified professional advice diagnosis or treatment