How Parenting by Connection Stops Aggressive Behavior

0:00 so our beginning point is the idea that children need a sense of connection that a sense of connection the feel of you the feel of being connected and close with you the feel of being seen by you the feel of having your approval and your attention that feel is vital for your child's intelligence that children can't learn and they can't develop and they can't um build good judgement

0:31 without that sense of connection it's as vital to them as breathing air and eating food and sleeping all night is so we want to pay attention to the connection between parent and child because it's so vital to a child's mind um it's so vital to the learning process that in fact um the mind doesn't develop without that sense of connection it's also a sense of safety in a way the idea of I'm safe someone's watching

1:03 over me nothing hard is going to happen um no one's going to be upset with me that sense of safety and a sense that someone is watching and caring those things really go together in a child's mind and for a child's well-being you can't really separate those two things feeling safe feeling close feeling connected the idea that we'd like to introduce to you is that you pay attention to connection first in in your relationship with your child and that

1:32 when you offer this sense of respect and warmth and um and and attention you know full fullon attention to a child their mind sees that you're there that feels that this is what's offered and it settles in and what a child's mind does um is that sense of connection goes straight to a part of the brain called the lyic system which is the social emotional Center of

2:03 ourselves it's the part of the Mind several complex structures in the mind we don't know very much about these structures but what we do know is that the lyic system is what processes all the non-verbal signals we give every day we are giving 95% of the information about ourselves that our children receive is nonverbal how we hold ourselves the tone of voice that we carry um the expression on our face um the Motions that we make all of this

2:33 shows whether we're thinking and our mind is open and we're ready to connect or it shows that we're tense preoccupied worried we've got things on our mind um we're trying we have an agenda and we want to make make things happen in a certain way at a certain time right now the way we want it and what what children thrive on is this open open mind open communication Highway towards us and away from us so in a way if you

3:04 think of um building connection what we're thinking of is kind of an eight-lane Highway you know and let's say there's usually four lanes of us communicating towards our children and we'd want to give them four lanes back for communicating towards us and so when our child is playing on the floor and we come and kneel down you know and just watch we actually are opening up seven Lanes of communication from them to us because we're being very quiet on our

3:35 side we're just letting our non-verbal reassurance and our presence and our attention flow in towards them so they're getting lots of non-verbal communication but very little verbal communication from us lots of acceptance and they can show us a lot about themselves when we offer them you know all the communication Lanes except a a small verbal one oh wow that one fell off the top you going to put it back and then

4:06 you just watch you're open whatever happens is interesting to you you don't have an agenda it's not like well aren't you going to put it back it needs a top I think that one's that one's the right block for the top it's not like that it's like oops huh what you going to do now so that's the kind of connection that we're talking about it's called contingent communic a it's Us opening our minds to whatever our child wants to

4:33 show us and then they show us and then we respond a little bit and then we open everything up again and we wait and see what they want to do that's the kind of connection that tells a child's lyic system it's safe here I'm well regarded I've got the attention I need now I can learn and that allows the mind to really build intelligence and build judgment so when you're doing this kind of connecting when you're opening The

5:04 Avenues for your child to show you what they like and to talk to you and to play the way they want to play you're supporting the building of your child's intelligence and the lyic system is finding all the nourishment and reassurance it needs to allow the whole mind to work so when you connect first um thinking follows your child can think

5:35 um and where a child uses their mind intentionally is here in the prefrontal cortex you know this is the part of the mind that governs um attention span it governs um reasoning it governs impulse control it governs the higher functions of the human mind so impulse control is one of the important pieces that the prefrontal cortex governs and if you want your

6:05 child to have impulse control then sending Connection in to the lyic system so that they can feel you there gives them a chance to access you know all the control they possibly can gather in a situation where it's tempting to get upset and grab or get upset and hit so what we want to do is we want to show you how you can build the connection and help your child feel you there through this lyic

6:36 system um this very very um very keen set of antenna that your child has developed to notice you there to get the sense of connection so that they can use the Judgment that they've built so far children don't want to hit children don't want to be hard on anybody children love to be cooperative they love to add one my person to the game they really enjoy sharing they have generous Hearts as long as they feel safe and connected all of that is true

7:09 so a couple of examples of um children's generosity even early in life like most people assume that 2-year-olds can barely play with somebody else that mostly they play alongside of other kids but I did infant toddler care for quite a while and um I have such lovely stories of children really keying in on one another and and and feeling the importance of their relationships with each other at very very young ages so there was one time when um this little

7:41 boy was new and was very very shy and when we went out in the yard on one of his first days he didn't feel like he could play with the other children so he sat on this little um this little cabinet and he was kicking the cabinet with his feet you know Thump Thump Thump Thump he was just sitting there watching the kids and kicking and one of the little girls you know went outside and heard him thumping and looked at him and

8:08 just watched for about 15 maybe 30 seconds just watched him thought about what to do saw the look on his face went over got you know sat right up next to him looked at him and started thumping on the cabinet right next to him and he looked and she thumped again and he kept looking at her and she thumped again and pretty soon he was giggling it's like oh somebody else wants to thump on the cabinet you know and she kept you know

8:37 kicking the cabinet and he kept kicking the cabinet and there they are and pretty soon both of them are laughing and kicking the cabinet and they spent about 3 or 4 minutes having fun that way and then he jumped down and ran and you know went and played it's like you know she came she paid attention she did what he was doing he laughed she laughed the tension broke and all of a sudden he was glad to be there he was in you know she

9:03 actually came and connected so this kind of generosity um children have when they feel safe when they feel connected um I have another little story um one of our instructors is a preschool teacher and um she said that out on she teaches outside they go on Long hikes um every day with her the children do and then they share lunch in some you know little placed by a tree and and one of the children saw another child's um

9:35 string cheese snack and um asked you know could I have a piece of that string cheese please that looks so good you know and the little child whose snack it was just turned and smiled and said I'd love to share it with you I was hoping you would ask me you know and then pulled half of the string cheese off and handed it and you know you don't see that in children very often but when you

9:59 do see it what you're seeing is the way all children would like to be children carry tension that covers this you know kind of clouds this generous nature that they have from time to time um but this is a child's nature is to be generous to be warm to be inclusive to be relaxed and we're going to help you uncover that your child's generous nature underneath the hidden behavior that you're worried about so I'd like to invite you to relax

10:28 we're going to teach you some some things that you can try and I think we'll be able to help [Music]