SIBLING AGGRESSION AND CONFLICT | Why It Happens & What To Do (Step by Step) | The Mom Psychologist

0:00 very few things are more triggering than seeing our kids fight with each other especially if it feels like it's non-stop all day and when there's aggression involved it is so easy for our brains to go into emergency mode make it stop right now and rightfully so i mean our main job as parents is to keep our kids safe and so when we see aggressive behaviors it triggers that automatic response in us that's like

0:30 i've gotta make this stop i've gotta make this go away i've gotta handle this i've gotta fix this and so in this video you know there's so much to say about sibling conflict in general but in this video i wanna speak specifically to the dynamics where there is an older child i'm thinking toddler age preschool age and they are being aggressive towards their younger sibling i'm thinking infant maybe a young toddler how do you respond in those situations

1:01 right like what is our role as a parent how do we best show up for both children in these difficult moments that happen so fast and also you know why does this happen why is my older child constantly ganging up on the younger child why won't they just stop uh so i'm gonna get into all of that in today's video so let's discuss hi hello and welcome back to my channel if you are new here i am dr jasmine i am

1:32 a psychologist as well as a mom of two girls so they are 15 months apart and i definitely remember the constant arguments and conflict especially when they were younger especially when my oldest was a toddler and my youngest was an infant but she was starting to get mobile i'm thinking like that eight month to 12 month range where they're starting to crawl around and get into stuff

2:03 and that was one of the most difficult challenging times as a parent for me because the older child my older daughter was constantly screaming at her sister constantly yanking toys away i'm sure she smacked her once or twice or so um and so these moments felt overwhelming um as a new mom of two under two like okay what do i do in these situations i'm so glad to say that over time with with a lot of coaching

2:32 a lot of patience a lot of trial and error a lot of not getting it perfect all the time because let's be real we're not going to get it perfect as parents but over the years they have come such a long way and one of the biggest things that i think is important to remember when it comes to our children especially the older child is that that is exactly what they are they are still a child i know it's so easy to see the

2:58 older one as like the more mature the more responsible one the leader in the pack right it's so easy to assign those labels and forget that oh wait they're still developing they are still learning they don't have all these skills yet and this is a really challenging dynamic for them to learn how to navigate right and they're not going to always get it perfectly so i think that's one of the easiest one of the most important things to like start

3:26 this video out with or episode on is that it's so easy to villainize the older child right um and i'm guilty of this too right seeing them as the older more mature one and being like why are you acting like this like why are you being so mean to your brother or sister right why won't you just stop why won't you just use your words right why wouldn't you just tell them what you need why are you getting so aggressive and

3:52 mean and so it's easy to see our child our older one through that lens and then that colors how we show up right we're less patient uh we're more angry right um and we are more like just just make it stop right i just need to fix this i just need to make this go away i don't get you right now i don't understand what's going on for you right now and i just need you to stop

4:16 and so i just want us to start this conversation by saying both of our kids or all of our kids if you have more than two kids they are all learning they are all growing alongside each other and these dynamics are so hard and challenging for everybody to learn how to navigate now before i dive into more of this episode which what i'm going to cover today is why does why does this happen right why do kids get aggressive with each other

4:42 especially the older one on to the younger one and then also most importantly like what is our role as the adult in the situation how can we best help all kids involved in these hard difficult challenging situations uh but before i dive into that i just want to quickly shout out if you're watching this episode uh listening in um around the time that this episode goes live then i will be hosting a live workshop on june 2nd which is thursday

5:14 and it will be all about how do we help our children manage conflict between their siblings as well as peers i want to talk about uh what it looks like outside of the home with cousins or kids at school and they're having conflict like overall how do we teach our children social skills in an age-appropriate way so i'm really excited about this class i'm going to be touching on sibling rivalry and jealousy i'm going to be

5:44 touching on toy battles and sharing i'm going to be touching on aggression and arguments as well as overall ending with how do we promote positive relationships with others how do we again teach our children these positive pro-social skills so that they can thrive in any relationship that they're in i'm really really excited about this class i am so passionate about this topic because i really believe that one of the best gifts we can give our children is the gift of learning how to

6:14 navigate and maintain healthy relationships with others especially their peers right especially their siblings so all the information will be down in the description below if you're watching on youtube or you can go to the mompsychologist.com forward slash sibling class to find out more information and how to save your spot if you can't come live just remember everything will be recorded and you will receive access to the replay recording

6:46 as long as you register for the class so i'm so excited for this class i hope to see you there but let's dive into this episode okay so let's first talk about why these moments happen and i first want to start off by comparing your child's relationship with each other right the sibling dynamics to a situation where let's imagine and it's not a perfect comparison of course right but let's just imagine let's try to put our child let's try to put

7:18 ourselves in our child's shoes so let's imagine that you come home from work one day or whatever and your partner sits you down and they say you know what i have some really exciting news for you uh we are going to be welcoming another you know partner into this dynamic this is so exciting i can't wait for you to meet them they're going to be you know you guys are going to have such a great relationship we're going to be one

7:42 big happy family uh i mean how would you feel right you'd probably feel panicked you'd feel scared you'd feel confused you'd feel overwhelmed and then imagine that the partner comes and starts spending time with the family and then they start touching your stuff right they start getting into your cell phone or logging onto your computer or reading your books or whatever it is they just start touching your stuff right the stuff that you used to have

8:10 just for you and you go to your you know main partner and you're like what the heck like they keep touching my stuff and they say well why don't you just share with them what's the big deal like now everything is just community toys and we all just need to share and get along how would you feel you'd probably feel very violated very angry very resentful um not only of this new partner but then your main significant partner right and you

8:40 might just feel really betrayed and sad like wow nothing that i have is mine now what do you mean right how do i wrap my mind around this like i don't want to be in this family anymore right you might go down the rabbit hole right i'm just imagining put throwing out scenarios well i just want you to know that your child is going through the same things mentally they are of course on one end very very excited to be an

9:07 older sibling and to have a play made and all the wonderful things right all the wonderful things that we fantasize about when we have more than one child right that this is just gonna be one big happy family they're gonna get along and they're gonna have a playmate and this is just wonderful and then on the other hand right it's really hard for our children to adjust to these new dynamics especially when the once immobile infant starts to crawl around and dig

9:35 into stuff and starts to play with stuff put stuff in their mouths it's like whoa whoa whoa that's my toys right it's very easy for young kids and kids in general to get territorial because i want you to equate their toys to your phone or your your laptop or whatever right like it's the same in their eyes right that's my stuff i'm used to only me playing with it right don't touch that especially don't put that in your mouth

10:04 ill gross right like how dare you i need this to stop i need to take this away from you nope you don't need that that's mine right so just remember that and keep that in perspective especially as your children age together um it's easy to lose that perspective it's easy to be like well they've been they've been you've had a sibling for a couple years now like get over it right i thought we have transitioned i thought

10:30 we were over this phase it's gonna come up okay it's gonna come up throughout the years um sibling rivalry or that kind of competitiveness if you will is actually normal especially from a survival perspective right they're kind of having to share attention share resources and so that competitiveness is normal of course of course caveat to all of that there are things that we as parents can do and say to help promote a

11:03 healthy sibling dynamic to help them communicate with each other absolutely but i think it's just important to take perspective take a step back and really put ourselves in our child's shoes when it comes to these dynamics also although again like i said earlier although the older child seems to be the older more mature more responsible one they are still a child and they are still developing skills right especially communication

11:34 skills especially if you have a toddler preschooler right they're still learning how to do this and it is so hard to do these things in the moment when we are experiencing intense emotions again put yourself in their shoes when you are really angry and upset over something isn't it really hard to quote unquote use your words and communicate effectively with other people right like your your language part of your brain literally shuts down in these moments so

12:01 it is so easy for kids to use their behavior right to use their body as a way to communicate because they are literally panicked and they are flooded with emotions and so that's another reason why we commonly see aggressive behavior towards siblings also furthermore kids are also incredibly impulsive the rational uh part of their brains the frontal lobe

12:32 that's involved with executive functioning and planning and reas reasoning and rationality right and thinking before you act aka impulse control is not fully developed it doesn't develop until their mid-20s and so for the little ones impulse control is harder so they this is a skill again that's like a muscle that we have to work out over and over and over again so that's another reason why all right now let's dive into okay what

13:03 is your role as the adult in the situation what is your role where do you best come in how can you help all children but especi specifically in these dynamics you're more so going to be focused on the older child right the younger child i'm thinking infant early toddler they don't know what's going on a lot of the times right they're like well okay right so there's so many and i want to caveat this by saying that all of these

13:32 situations are nuanced right all of these situations have obviously context that i can't really speak to it's kind of limited in this type of content right because i don't know your specific situations that commonly happen and context is so important so i'm just going to speak kind of in generalities like generally these are the things that you want to kind of consider and try to do but of course this is nuanced which is why i really recommend if you can come

14:00 to the class because we're going to be talking about this in more depth and then you get to ask questions and i get to help you based on your particular you know scenario so just keep that in mind but your number one thing and i know this is a lot easier said than done but stay calm okay we have to be the calm one in these situations again these things happen so fast and our child is impulsive right all

14:27 they see is red all they see is i need to make this stop right this is my toy and you need to you need to knock it off right you need to give that back to me and so we have to try our best to show up in these situations as the calm one and i think one of the biggest things that helps us show up in that way right and kind of bring that energy is to

14:48 remember perspective right because if we show up and and we think of the older child as the villain right as the one that is wrong um the one that needs to stop and and knock it off then we are going to easily bring that energy to these interactions we are going to be more impatient and angry and upset and frustrated so remember there's no right and wrong here there's no good or bad person here um so

15:17 remember that and try to kind of continuously remind yourself i'm bringing the calm here there's no right or wrong i'm just here to help them solve a problem that they have right now and problems are okay conflict is okay right right um again a lot easier said than done this is going to be something we have to continuously just practice that's the best tip i have for you is practice this the more you show up in

15:44 this with this energy the more likely you will the next time and again rem be mindful of the thoughts the stories that you have around these interactions because this is going to color how you show up now of course step two and and sometimes it's step one of course because aggression is aggression and we always need to re-establish safety so of course that step two or one however kind of it works out in the situation um sometimes this is a one-two thing and

16:15 we're doing this all at the same time but we do wanna establish safety so important right we we might need to put our our body in front in in the you know in the way of the two children we might need to you know remove gently remove a hand from another body part whatever we need to do to step in in between the moment and re-establish safety so that no one is is getting harmed right no nobody is is getting harmed so

16:45 you often times don't need to say much in these situations it's more about what you do and the energy that you bring but you can say like i'm gonna help you that's one of my favorite phrases to say as a parent is i'm gonna help you and it just reminds me i'm here to help i'm the calm one i'm the adult we got this i'm gonna help i'm you know i you know what you know what i mean like

17:10 i'm the calm confident leader so i'll just often just say i'm gonna help you right up our body and then you can add you know our bodies are not for hurting um if you feel like it's appropriate and necessary in that context but of course we want to reestablish safety um a little caveat there or a little like side note is that commonly what i hear is like parents will bring the one that was aggressive to another room or

17:36 they'll bring the the one that was um the one that was hurt will bring them to another room i really don't advise that because there's a lot that can happen in this moment and we will miss that if we too quickly separate them i understand in some situations it's escalated and it does make more sense and i'm thinking you know especially in public that's where it does make sense where you want to kind of bring the children or the one that is

18:09 highly triggered and emotional you want to bring them to a quiet area so that you can help them regulate and that you can give them privacy for this difficult moment and you can talk with them and help calm them down but i'm thinking if you're at home that would really be the last resort because you don't want to send the message again like isolating the kids can easily send a message of like you're the wrong one

18:33 and you need to go away or you're the right one and i need to protect you and i need to move you away from the situation and sometimes that can send you know it can backfire so you just want to be mindful of that of course if it makes sense in the moment use your judgment call but i really would say use that as a last resort if they like really cannot stop hurting each other then of course

18:56 that that would make sense um or again if they're in public so to re-establish safety three is observe what you see and narrate this is really important for our own regulation but also to gather some facts and to just show everybody in you know involved especially the older one that you're trying to understand what's going on you're trying to slow everybody down and just narrate what you see oh i see i

19:30 what from what i saw baby had the toy you guys both wanted that toy at the same time and i saw you use your body use your hands to grab the toy away or you know baby wouldn't give away the toy so you push them down whatever it is right just narrate without judgment okay which is the most important part and i know it's tempting to you know add a little flavor add a little commentary add a little you know

19:59 what i mean a little opinion about what you saw but it's really important to keep this objective okay again there's no right or wrong there's no good or bad child it just is what it is right we all got overwhelmed with emotions and this is how it played out um i am going to slow you down so you can recognize what happened and what led up to things this is really actually a powerful teaching moment for your child because

20:27 now it slows them down it helps them make sense of the situation it helps them make sense of their triggers and it helps with impulse control right because you're slowing them down and helping them think through their decisions so that next time hopefully they make a difference a different choice which we we love that for them so observe and narrate what you saw and then you want to help with problem solving so kids can start to problem solve around

20:53 age two of course they're gonna need our help a lot of help but just know your toddler can start this process of problem solving and understanding their conflict and trying to come up with some kind of resolution they can start this around too so you want to identify their needs in that moment wow you guys both wanted that toy for example if it was like a toy battle you felt very frustrated or you felt like it was unfair that brother or

21:21 sister was playing with your toy you're used to having that toy all to yourself you you wanted that toy right you really wanted that toy um and you guys both wanted the toy at the same time right like highlighting that again that goes back to the narrating but identifying that need and really validating that need it's going to soften them up right when we start choosing sides when we start saying who's right and who's wrong and what they need to do

21:50 they're going to get defensive right and they're going to close up and learning stops because now they're just focused on okay how do i protect myself how do i get myself out of trouble so validate the needs validate where they're coming from and then after that right after you've done all that work then you say well you know how can we um because what i saw between you guys is that i made you guys both upset and both

22:16 angry right um and i noticed with brother like his his face got red and he started to cry this was a hard moment for both of you guys so what could we do differently next time right how basically you're you're getting them to think through how they could make a different more pro social choice and the younger they are the more help they're gonna need with kind of looking at their options so you can pose options for them and see what

22:44 they think so don't be surprised if you kind of ask them this question and they're like i don't know right i don't know what i could have done or they just need to give that back to me like don't worry learning is happening and that just means that your sign that they need ideas right they don't know um and that's hence why they made the choice that they made so this is the teaching moment right this is what discipline looks like

23:08 in action right discipline means to teach so this is where you come in with your adult perspective and you offer different choices and help them think through those things and you also help them see the the other person's perspective this is essential for building empathy so you're just helping them in a non-judgmental way just see how everybody was was experiencing this moment and how their actions influenced somebody else okay again

23:38 nobody's in trouble this is not punitive it's just hey did you ha did you think about how brother thought about it or you know i think this is where he was coming from i don't know for sure right because it's a baby but you just want to kind of plant those seeds there and then a lot of the times especially if the younger child is an infant an early toddler they're going to need your help the

24:02 adults help to honor and respect the other older child's needs and that's really important and sometimes that gets overlooked right because they don't know really what's going on yet it's not really developmentally appropriate and so you can have the older child practice communicating with the younger child and then you just help with your actions you know setting some boundaries or whatever you need to do to maybe putting them in different areas putting toys up top on the table so that the younger one

24:32 can't get to it whatever makes sense in that context you want to help the the younger one kind of respect the older ones boundaries if you will and this is just great practice because over time they'll learn how to do it for themselves and you'll just you'll your role will be less involved over time ideally um so uh yeah so again there's so many nuances to this but i hope that some of these tips helped you kind of

25:00 kind of give you some ideas of how to best show up in these hard moments where there's aggression involved and things are happening so so so fast and again check out my upcoming class where we're gonna dive way more in depth into these dynamics including sibling rivalry and toy battles and conflict including with peers as well how to have healthy relationships with others essentially uh so definitely check out the clash you can go to the mompsychologist.com

25:32 forward slash sibling class for all the details the link will be in the description if you're watching on youtube um and i think that's it for this video i hope you enjoyed it let me know in the comments if you have any other questions related to sibling conflicts i do hope to do more of these kinds of videos if it's helpful for you guys so yeah that is it i will see you in the next video bye