# How to Be a More Playful Parent **Creator:** Connected Families **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 43m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I ## Summary The Connected Families podcast features a discussion on the importance of purposeful play in parenting, hosted by Stacy Belward with guests Lynn Jackson and Joy Wendling. They emphasize that play is not just a fun activity but a vital part of children's learning and emotional development, helping to foster connection and understanding between parents and children. - Play is essential for children's learning and emotional expression, serving as their primary language. - Parents can incorporate play into daily routines to encourage cooperation and reduce power struggles. - Playful interactions can help parents communicate both love and delight in their children, fostering a deeper connection. - Using storytelling and imaginative play can help children understand and process conflicts and emotions. - Encouraging children to guide play helps them feel a sense of control and authority, enhancing their engagement. - Parents should reflect on their own childhood play experiences to reconnect with their playful side. - Maintaining a light-hearted approach can help parents navigate challenging behaviors and reinforce positive relationships. - The podcast highlights biblical foundations for play, emphasizing joy and connection in parenting. ## Transcript [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=0s) [Music] hi friends welcome to the connected families podcast I'm your host Stacy belward our purpose in this podcast is to guide you to receive God's grace and truth and then to equip you to pass that Grace and Truth on to your children I'm so glad that you are here today today I have with me Lynn Jackson co-founder of connected families Lynn is also an occupational therapist and we will be discussing a topic that is near to her [[0:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=27s) heart teaching our kids with purposeful play and to have that conversation we invited joy winling joy is a certified connected family's parent coach you can find a lot more about our coaches and our coaching certification program in the show notes but joy is a play Advocate and helps mamas disciple their kids through play her active Instagram page is created to play so hi Lynn welcome back to the podcast hey hi Stacy [[0:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=58s) good to be here excited for this one I know you are this is a fun one and hi Joy Welcome to our podcast this is your first time it is thank you so much for having me we're glad to have you here especially as you're one of our certified coaches it's such a beautiful community and we're proud of you thank you well joy let's dive in I'm wondering did your parents have some insight when they named you Joy did they know you [[1:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=87s) were going to be a playful parenting parent coach I don't think so but my dad is so playful himself and he was the one who chose my name so I think that that play got passed on that's awesome the blessings of a generation upon generation upon generation yeah and and our name meanings sometimes they really mean something and I love that well Jo tell us about your Journey coming to play and [[1:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=118s) parenting and play in discipleship and how that looks in your career now I started in children's ministry just a couple years after college and then became a wife and then a mom and as a mom I started to feel really convicted about being full-time in a church and so I wanted to come home and so I opened a Christian daycare and preschool in my home and it was through that experience [[2:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=150s) that I started learning about how pivotal play is for kids and how they learn and I just could not like fathom teaching kids without play because that was the way God designed their brains and so I got back into Ministry after that and started bringing play into it and just have found scripture that just really emphasizes the play and abundance that Christ has for us and for kids it's like [[3:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=183s) play is their language and so if we talk to them in adult East and they want their language is play there's a disconnect so that's awesome yes we're connecting with our kids that's good well Lynn tell us why you're so passionate about this topic and have you always been no I'm not a natural playful person I I sometimes joke that you know I wanted my kids to do something be like okay do this now and if you didn't get [[3:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=212s) it why weren't you taking notes and you know I was the list maker but over the years I've seen the importance of it and just the the way that I did engage with my kids playfully creatively was really valuable and some special memories for them so I've also seen it be really helpful for kids that are really struggling when their parents are playful so I've just kind of embraced this whole Arena of the role of play and [[4:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=240s) parenting in such a deeper way than I did even just a a year or two ago well I really know almost nothing about this and I so I think that I'm a great one to kind of be moderating the conversation and asking questions so I just want to start off with is this an actual like certified therapy I know you Joy you talked about it in the context of you know your background being in children's ministry and then a preschool and you're [[4:28]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=268s) OT Lyn so frame this for us parents who don't know what we're talking about well there are certainly play therapists that are very much trained in how to help children work through trauma through play I do have some examples in the online course that I'm working on that will look at using play to help kids express feelings that they don't have words for you know to really be a therapist in that it takes a lot of [[4:59]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=299s) training a lot of times they'll use sand because that can create you know a landscape and then figures and characters and they have lots of different you know puppets or dolls or whatever that quickly lend themselves to imaginative expression that represents a really difficult experience a child had so that's not what we're talking about here but there is a super helpful therapy based around play but I think [[5:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=329s) comes more from just the fun discipleship let's talk about Jesus Through toys did I get that right Joy yes and also just the way that we can connect with our kids through play and I have found it to be especially now you know as I've been learning more about connected families in the framework just the way that inviting kids to be cooperative works so much better through [[6:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=361s) play because it's fun and they want to do it and I have found that play can help us to like achieve our short-term goals without forgetting the long-term goals and so keeping that connection with our kids but also getting out the door with a Cooperative happy laughing kid okay I give workshops and parents are always raising their hand talking about how can I get out the door in the morning and like like without meltdowns [[6:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=393s) and all that so unpack that for us what does that look like and how will play help and it's not a guaranteed 100% of the time but when we find ways that encourage our kids to want to join us and when we're having fun they want to join us and then they want to cooperate and we're not fighting them and the power struggles lessen and like by making things just fun and enjoyable I [[7:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=424s) mean depending on your kids can you give us an example what does that sound like like in the morning I've got what four year olds maybe and we need to leave in 10 minutes and the shoes are not on right so we have in our house we have a song that is our checklist of what we have to do every morning so it's hair and teeth and shoes and booking bag snacks would be nice so that song is [[7:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=451s) sung about love it 20 times every morning as we go through and it's kind of like you know we ask them the question have you done and then we start singing and so they they'll go through their checklist and these are my preschoolers and doing the things they need to do and then some mornings we're racing to the car to get into our rocket ship and we're buckling into you know our seats in the rocket ship or it could [[7:59]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=479s) be you know we say do you want to walk to the car backwards or do you want me to carry you and offering them fun choices and it helps me also to like let go of the stress when I'm enjoying it as well yeah that's great throwing some other ideas in the Hat of just you know kind of stomping your way out to the car as you sing something because that sort of gets out that frustration but you're [[8:24]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=504s) still singing and I may have shared on a podcast before that I used to lead our kids to bed sometimes stomping and singing I hate bed I hate bed it makes me want to throw up I wish that I could grow up I hate bed you know and it just was like this empathetic stomping singing goofy song that helped them to go another thing I've read about is just because I I've got into this after this [[8:53]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=533s) would have been helpful when my kids were young if there's a particular child that's struggling put them on your back and have them guide you I I can't figure out how to get to the car how do I get out to the car you know so just just fun things like that awesome example what does playful look like when the kids are older like middle school or even high school is this mainly for small kids right now that's my personal experience [[9:17]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=557s) as small kids I do have one pre-teen and so play with her looks a little bit differently and some days I have to just let it go because she doesn't want to be playful but keeping that lightness with me and so I think a lot of playfulness is reading your child and knowing when to let go of getting them involved in the play but keeping a lightness yourself and so it doesn't always just have to be you know a silliness or being [[9:49]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=589s) goofy we can bring stories in and I think telling stories with middle and high schoolers of our own childhood and our own years can be a playful way to you know instead of lecturing we tell them a story and it brings a lightness to the situation oh I totally agree especially if you're laughing at your own foibles and your own mistakes there's powerful messages of we don't have to get it perfect and we can learn [[10:20]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=620s) from mistakes and let me tell you about mine you know that's just that kind of a story is just infused with the aroma of Grace because if you have to get it perfect perfect you can't laugh while you're telling a a you know a a self-deprecating goofy story so yeah I did have one coaching client who had an older daughter who was just like she was all done with mom's new new method of being playful with her younger siblings [[10:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=647s) because she just thought it's just so dumb mom what are you doing and then the mom was able to explain that she was helping the kids not be in such a stressed brain bra state so that they would do less screaming and outbursts and all of a sudden the older daughter was like oh okay yeah that's a good idea mom so they're a little older and they can understand the logic around the method and and light-heartedness well I [[11:17]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=677s) have to ask right I've got a lot of questions for both of you and I know Lynn has some questions too but what if I'm just not a light-hearted mom like that like I am the to-do list mom even like Lyn described herself and whatever it is I need help in the garden and we're going to plant this vegetable garden right and I need you to do carrots and I need you know and so it's hard to get to a light-hearted place [[11:42]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=702s) because I'm so like driven by getting the task done Joy help me out I think a lot of that can be just how you look at what you're doing and so you know planting a garden would definitely be play for some people play doesn't have to look like a certain thing and so like back to the teenagers or you know they could find running to be their play and that's okay and finding ways to do these [[12:14]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=734s) tasks together and so if you can if you need to get the garden done finding ways to make it enjoyable if you have somebody who enjoys competition you know seeing how fast you can do your holes or we're going to measure everybody's holes and we're gonna see you know like who kept them the most spaced out and um it depends on you know our personalities we have different styles of play and some [[12:45]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=765s) people love competition some people like planning and directing and that's playful for them and so kind of looking at what intrigues your kids what brings them joy and fun and kind of working that into the tasks and it might take a little extra effort at first but if you realize one of your kids loves to plan will give them you know a a map of the garden and say okay how what's the best way for this to work and they might [[13:16]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=796s) enjoy researching like what vegetables need to go where and how do we best keep the weeds out and so it's not necessarily always you know running around and being goofy and telling jokes it's really about finding what brings out that joy and that life in them so it's somewhat about what you're saying is about learning styles as well yes I've also could see in in your garden example Stacy just the whole thing of imagination it's like which one of us do [[13:48]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=828s) you think will plant the beam stock that Jack is going to you know or or just uh who how many bunnies are we going to feed with these carrots you know and what will they say when they come to our bunny Feast yeah so kind of what is the the style that your child loves and how do you engage that I'll be honest I feel like I was able to be a lot more playful when the kids were younger and as they [[14:16]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=856s) got older I think my playfulness got less and I'm not sure why or if that's even normal or what is with that but I'm just observing myself in the middle of this conversation but I know Lynn do you have any thoughts about that yeah I mean I think kids certainly younger kids are wired for silliness and the older they get the more capacity they have for defiance and it's easy to let that begin to erode the [[14:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=883s) joy in the relationship and I found some some ways when my kids were actually older was when I started to recognize okay I want to just grow this area of light-hearted playfulness and we were on a ski trip one time and you know this was our only like spring break ski trip of our lives and so the kids were so excited and and you know and I'm like okay boom down the middle of the slope zoom zoom [[15:14]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=914s) zoom Z you know not like at all but I just was going straight down and there over in the woods and going through little jumps and falling over and laughing and I was starting to get irritated that they were taking so long to get down the slope and then I it was I don't know if it was just kind of the a whisper of the Holy Spirit or if one of them said something but it was just [[15:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=938s) like I just had this realization I want to enjoy side trips through the woods and so we talked about it at the bottom of the cheer lift and then I started joining them and falling over and you know running into trees safely and you know just doing goofy stuff through that and it became a defining phrase for me of where the kids would even say Mom do you want to do a side trip through the woods and they would be inviting me to [[16:05]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=965s) go do something fun with them and I knew that was my cue okay get out of task mode and go do something fun with your kids so I think just the vulnerability to be talking about that and saying I don't want to miss the joy of being more playful with you so help me with that what do I do that connects with you and a joyful playful way and what are your ideas about how I could do [[16:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=992s) that more so those are just my thoughts on that that transition we do have to be guarded that when our kids are less naturally silly that we lose that but you can certainly work around that I love that Joy I think you're definitely a parent who loves the the detours in the woods and I can be too but I'm not always and so that was a great story Lynn I haven't heard that one before so thank you for that I appreciate it such [[17:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1023s) a fun conversation we're having Joy I have a question for you I think that there's maybe somebody in our audience who's asking okay I know you guys at Connected families are very biblical and joy you are too you're a person of Faith you're talking about play the Bible doesn't really talk about play is this Bible based is the science-based can you give some Foundation to that yes I absolutely think that the Bible does talk about play and there are lots of [[17:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1054s) places one of my favorite is Ecclesiastes 118 says however many years anyone may live let them enjoy them all and I love that verse I don't know if I've read that before yes it's so good and it just reminds me as a parent like yes my kids can have fun and I can encourage that but I'm supposed to be enjoying these years as well and so no [[18:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1084s) matter how many years I want to enjoy them and then we have you know Jesus tells us to look at the kids and to let them be our model for how to seek after him and they seek after him playfully and with curiosity and experience and exploring and so that is all types of true play and so I think biblically there and then my last kind of favorite [[18:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1114s) place to talk about play in the Bible is in 2 Samuel 6 David is coming back with the ark and he's bringing it home and David dances I read this article once about the verb there to dance means you know how kids will like just spin around when they're dancing and they just Spin and spin and spin that was a form of worship for Hebrew kids and that's what [[19:05]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1145s) David was doing is from what I've read and so that is like the ultimate playful experience you know for kids is just to spin and dance and just worship god with their whole bodies and that's what David was doing and David was a man after God's Own Heart and so if he can spin and dance and celebrate then I think the rest of us are invited into that you know Abundant Life as well yeah I love [[19:39]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1179s) that and it just you know I was quick Googling that phrase and I just you know there's there's translations of Zephaniah 3:17 that says he will dance over you dance Joy over you with singing and so it's like just as David was doing toward the lord the Lord does back to us and I I don't know if this was in a podcast previously or not but it's really a fun story is when our kids were in middle school one Saturday morning [[20:05]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1205s) Jim had been reading that that verse and he he decided to make it real so he went into the room and started jumping up and down and turning around and singing I love you I love you I love you and just being so goofy of course the kids were rolling their eyes but they loved it you know but it was just this expressive fun way to communicate the love of God to kids that's not now the Bible says da da [[20:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1236s) you know he was speaking the language of children when he did that wow that just speaks to me I have some tears in my eyes just the carefreeness to just spin in worship to the Lord and just be free with our bodies and that he's doing that over us and just so delighting and so happy and you know just so loving for his feelings towards us so thank you Joy and Lynn that was a beautiful way to end [[21:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1264s) our first half of this show I'm gonna toss us to a break and after the break we're going to talk a little bit about play and the framework we have to talk about the framework we're connected families we have lots in store are your kids fighting again are you finding that the harder you try to make it stop the worse it seems to get and the kids seem more and more resentful The Sibling conflict online course is for you right one minute the [[21:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1293s) kids love each other and the next minute they're Archen enemies the older they get the louder and angrier it gets you hate the way this affects everyone's mood including your own or maybe your young kids are beginning their rivalry and you worry where it's heading if you don't learn some better strategies if any of this sounds familiar our sibling conflict online course is is made for you what if you could use the inevitable conflict [[22:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1323s) between your kids to actually strengthen their relationship it is possible connected families has a self-paced five session online course on sibling conflict that teaches the peace process the peace process is a simple tool that's easy for the whole family to remember and apply to all relationships parents Jacob and Katie said this after taking the course we didn't extinguish sibling conflict but more importantly we [[22:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1354s) gave our kids and ourselves a tool for how to get to the heart of the conflict find a real solution and reconnect we all have a simple framework for how to turn things around isn't that so good you have to go and check out the sibling conflict online course links are in the show notes or go to connected families.org and click on resources find a path from bickering to bonding register today well we're back after the break [[23:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1387s) and I'm here with joy Wendling and Lynn Jackson we're talking about purposeful Play and play in discipleship and really being more light-hearted with our kids and um and so I want to throw out the question because every topic that we deal with goes through our connected families framework so how does fit into the framework and either one of you can take that for me I think play is one of [[23:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1417s) the best ways for me to like pause and think about what is going on with me and so just like even from the start when I know I'm having like a rough morning we have a code word for our Alexa and she will play a song and if it helps to diffuse you know where I'm at or where I feel like I'm going and what's the song Joy the song is Travis tritz it's a [[24:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1448s) great day to be alive I don't really know it but I bet I'd recognize it yeah it's it's from like 2000 or something it's an old song but it has like a wolf howl in it so my girls and I all get to you know make animal sounds and just remember that it is a great day to be alive and and like the Zephaniah 317 verse it gives me an opportunity to remember that I like my kids and to sing [[24:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1478s) over them and for me that is like it resets that foundation and so that's the first place for me that you know play fits into the framework I can find places to make it work on all the different levels but for me that's like really an important piece of it and really is so vital in communicating the message child I like you not just I love you no matter what which is a powerful message but that could be just I am such [[25:10]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1510s) a gracious parent that I am tolerating your difficult Behavior you know so it's so much about the child you are delightful I'm having fun loving you I'm enjoying being your parent those are really important messages and they pair so well with the vital message of you are love no matter what and in fact you are delighted in and if you think about our relationship with God we need both [[25:40]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1540s) of those messages we need to know when we have blown it big time that we are loved no matter what but the father of The Prodigal Son and the super cranky judgmental son he was throwing a party and so just the joy and the festivity in their relationship was I mean it's just it's such a goosebump powerful image of the joy that God has over us and there's no better way to communicate that than [[26:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1571s) playing with our child playing with our child I know Joy you've talked about your upbringing and this just disconnect between like and love could you just talk about that a minute yes so as a kid I absolutely 100% knew that my family loved me but I did not necessarily feel like I fit in like I didn't know that if I was not given to them by God as part of the family that they would be my [[26:43]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1603s) friends and so that was like a really big disconnect like I didn't feel like they liked me and I can laugh about it now but my dad used to call me alien child and so it was just this we love you and we will love you no matter what but you don't really fit here you know and so when I became a parent that was a really important thing for me to express to my kids and it was one of the [[27:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1633s) changing points in my faith too is when I realized you know in John 15 Jesus calls us his friend and like I knew God loved us but for a while it was because he had to and then Jesus says I chose you I call you friend and so that was really powerful and I understood the value of being chosen being enjoyed being liked and being you know that that friendship and I want to make sure my [[27:42]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1662s) kids experience that from me as well as know that is true of God with them as well so your story is describing exactly what Lynn had just talked about like we can just like you and tolerate you or we can like Delight in our liking like I like to like you yeah for several parents I know of that their child just sort of bristled a little bit if if that child was just told when they misbehave [[28:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1691s) remember I love you right now but when the parent is able to be even a little playful in those situations and there's some situations it's not appropriate it doesn't work or whatever but a number of parents have found that if they can get into a playful Zone with their child it communicates that I really do love you no matter what and it's not a teeth gritting statement it's I'm feeling it in my heart and this playfulness is [[28:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1718s) going to help us calm down so that we can solve this problem and it can also be a reminder to us as parents when we're playful in those moments that that particular moment is not the end all be all of the situation and being able to let go of some of the stress and intensity of that moment and be playful we can say oh yes this is just one time we have a lifetime to continue to grow [[29:10]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1750s) together and I have an opportunity to build that long-term connection with my kid right now that's what I was going to say too It just strikes me that again like like you said Joy we're back down to the foundation we're back to the question of what's going on in me what tapes are going on in my head is it negative is it toxic are they toxic lies that are causing me to be more shut down and definitely not light-hearted and [[29:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1776s) replacing those so that I can believe truth which then is it just lends itself to being light-hearted and more playful with my kids because I'm not just catastrophizing really or dwelling in the negative emotion right so it just always goes back to that question Lynn what's going on in me we can never get away from it right which is good it is good it's it's real good it's a never never ending work that we do okay [[30:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1804s) well we've covered the foundation and the message you're safe with me we went up to connect you are love no matter what Joy how does playful parenting how does that come out in our third and our fourth levels coaching and then correcting well I think that when we are able to be playful that our kids are able to not kind of push away the learning they can be more excited to [[30:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1836s) learn when it is fun when it is enjoyable to them and when it is kind of focused in their language and so for example I taught my girls the peace process through telling them a story about some giraffes who were having an argument and Mama giraffe came in and she led them through the peace process and this was a bedtime story and My Girls loved it so much I've told it [[31:06]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1866s) repeatedly and it's I'm making a book about it and they like have just loved it and so when we have to go through the peace process we talk about these giraffes and we'll take giraffe breaths and we talk what do giraff breasts need to look like well they have really long necks so they're really long deep breaths and and then at the end they celebrate and these giraffes have a dance party and so my girls we could [[31:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1893s) talk about what did the giraffes do next and it's in such a playful way that they don't feel like I am pushing this you know set process on them they know the the process now because of these giraffes and they know what they did the giraffes did and when we can make it enjoyable then the kids are engaged in that and it helps them to learn that's a fantastic example you're talking about the peace process that is in the sibling [[32:05]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1925s) conflict course yes that we teach yeah and so you took that and you made it into a story a playful story I like it really good I love it not to mention that giraffes are my second favorite animal in the whole wide world they're so cool yes oh my didn't know that about you Stacy that's the Africa side of me yes I love it such a good example because so often parents are just overwhelmed with they try different [[32:35]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1955s) things and they don't understand that why it doesn't help their child and I think it's really easy when we use different strategies to kind of have a little anxiety in that that communicates to our child we have to get this right or else and when you can introduce play into it it disarms everybody it just makes the whole thing seem inviting like this cool thing I'm learning vers this this process that I have to get right or [[33:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=1982s) we'll all feel ashamed so love love love that example yeah and so I can see how you're coaching that's the third level of our framework you're coaching them to reconciliation and a method for resolving sibling conflict but what about in the midst of the misbehavior because you know we go through the framework but we're all Sinners and our kids still misbehave and we do need to deal with that aren't we just letting kids off the hook when we just get [[33:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2010s) playful with them and not you know disciplined in the traditional sense we can hold boundaries playfully and so one of my girls favorites and it like disarms and they kind of look at me like what is going on is I will I can start to talk like a robot and you know problems problems malfunction you know you know we have these and the kids are like uhoh what's going on and they look to me for guidance because everything [[34:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2041s) has changed and the the situation calms down and we could take a breath and then we can talk about it and they you know sometimes we'll talk about it in robot voices but it's defused and so we're able to talk about it more easily and they also feel safe and so we can continue that conversation and so that's you know like using fun voices but that still hold the boundaries and hold them [[34:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2073s) you know responsible and we can when we are outside of those moments of misbehavior we can use play to teach those skills and the wisdom that they need and by using like stuffed animals or dolls the kids can work through whatever the situation is so giving them you know two stuffed animals and saying this one's the mommy and this one's the daughter and this daughter was really sassy to Mommy why do you think that baby bearer was sassy to the mama bear [[35:05]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2105s) and giving them an opportunity to play that out when it's taken off of them and not so personal can really help to invite a real meaningful conversation oh I love that and I think also if parents view play as a reward they misunderstanding its role in a child life if we go back to the thing of it's their language it's not this carrot that you hold out to your child if they're good I'll play with you is their brain [[35:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2136s) function so it helps to get their brain into a place where they can solve the problem at hand so whether you use the play to help them process the problem or if you use the play to to help them calm down you're speaking their language and if we just say to a child okay you need to calm down right now so we can solve this that adds stress to to them and so play Big physical movement or any of [[36:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2161s) those things it's part of the process of understanding who they are and setting them up for a just right challenge of okay now your brain is ready to solve this problem oh we got a problem here Houston let's do something fun and then we'll come back and figure it out so Lynn let me ask you a question because I've heard you say that small kids they only have a kind of a a short window where they'll actually connect say [[36:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2190s) correction to the misbehavior and if you wait it's done is that correct have I heard you say that and and so then how does that combine with this situation yeah well it depends on the child too and what it is particularly if like in the example of a teacher saying well you know Johnny was disrespectful to his friend Joshy at school so I want you to give him a consequence when he gets home that's a total misconnect because it's [[36:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2217s) difference it's a totally different environment depending on the child sometimes they can kind of retain that especially if you're acting it out again versus just having a conversation okay but the thing about play is it helps people calm down quickly so that you can process it more quickly so you're not like oh we just you know watched a video or played Legos for two hours and now we hardly remember what happened play can get people's brains calmed down quickly [[37:27]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2247s) and just get everyone's heart in a place where now I can process this versus we just have to find our separate corners and come back an hour later so I'm thinking like a really practical example of this could be something happened on the playground there's just you know it's kind of big emotion it's okay to take your child go to a quiet swing and just swing sing a song for a minute something lighthearted and then say okay [[37:54]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2274s) can we talk now or you know now let's do the situation yeah yeah oh let's go calm down over on the swings there's they'll help us be ready to solve that problem with your little friend and you Che the other mom the same let's take a break come back together once they've had you know some some calming sensory rep play and then you would take them back to the area where the conflict happened and maybe narrate this is what I noticed I [[38:22]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2302s) saw you know I saw one child do this I saw the other child do that there were some big feelings happening you know so you sort of recreate the scene in a narrative and in the location does that make sense yes that makes sense good well we're coming to the end of our podcast today this has been a great conversation and just so useful for lots of parents and and a lot of the the strict parents like me the task oriented [[38:50]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2330s) ones I'm sure that there's going to be a lot of downloads from parents like me we need your influence more Our Lives joy and so let me just end with where do I start if I want to be a more playful parents do you have any practical examples even from the parents who come to you for coaching yes so I would say three things that you can do is one think about what you enjoyed doing as a [[39:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2358s) kid like what were your favorite ways to play as a child and try to do those with your kids the second is just fun music finding music that can just help you release you know the anxiety the stress and enjoy it and the third would be ask your kids for help your kids need to have some experiences of control and Authority throughout the day and so when [[39:51]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2391s) we can allow our kids to guide us in play it can really help meet that need for them but can also teach us to play again because they are the play experts and so we get to go and learn from them and it will feel awkward the first couple of times probably but if you just continue to try it and listen to your kids and say yes as much as possible in that you know say we're going to give it [[40:21]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2421s) 10 minutes and we'll do whatever you want to play you know and if they keep changing directions just say yep yep and keep shifting with them yeah you can almost kind of just sort of sit down and watch them and narrate what's going on so you're not directing it but you're just oh you got out the the Legos and oh you're building something really tall I wonder what it's going to be and you just enter into what [[40:50]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2450s) they're doing and describe it as you go and that can be really bonding as well which is it's just a one more layer on what you're saying on your third point there Joy that's great yeah that is good and Lynn I wonder if we could just end with encourage the the parent with a little bit older kids you know it's the kids they could even be third fourth fifth grade sixth grade and it's harder to connect and play looks different and [[41:15]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2475s) so I just wonder if you could just encourage that parent before we finish yeah well a lot of times parents will say oh we just don't connect at all or I'm not playful or whatever and when I hear a parent using an sort of extreme language of I never or I can't or I'm terrible at or whatever then I'll whip out the old zero to 10 scale so zero is you have not once laughed with your [[41:40]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2500s) child done anything fun been silly with them ever and 10 is you know it's not my basic personality but you know sometimes we really do have some fun where are you on that 10 scale and then wherever that number is the point isn't why isn't it a 10 the point is what keeps it from being a zero what are you already good at that you're not really noticing and how might you just value that and celebrate it [[42:08]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2528s) when you do that and then over time just say well how might I do that a little bit more so yeah so that's what I'd say because most of the time parents do have little playful streaks it's just a matter of finding those enjoying them valuing them and then maybe expanding them paying attention to your life and seeing the good it's really good I like it Joy thanks for being our guest today Joy Wendling in our show notes are links [[42:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2557s) to all her stuff you can get in contact with her there Lynn thank you for being here today too and giving us your wisdom fun I feel like we should have had toys on our tables on our desk or something as we recorded but anyway thanks to the two of you for today thank you you thanks for tuning in today friends links to everything that we talked about is in the show notes while you're there would [[43:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2584s) you please rate and review so others can find us more easily and if this podcast has been helpful consider sharing it with a friend those steps are so helpful to spread God's grace and truth to more parents and consider checking out our sibling conflict online course the peace process is catchy and you can teach it to your kids it will be an important tool for your whole family find the link on our show notes or also on our website [[43:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nqwH2U9Rc8I&t=2612s) for more information about The Sibling conflict course or connected families go to Connected families.org I will see you next [Music] time