Does Hand in Hand Work When You Do it Solo? with Hand in Hand Parenting's Tosha Schore

0:03 foreign parenting work when your partner doesn't do it yes it does and if that's enough for you that's all you need is the reinsure reassurance um you can go ahead and stop the video now you're good to go and you do not have to be parenting the same way as your partner or even your ex but if you want to know how and maybe some strategies to help you do this successfully hang on with me for a few

0:30 minutes and I will give you some information that I think will be useful so in order to thrive actually kids need a place that they can fall apart they need a place where they can show just how hard life feels for them right now um you know how difficult it is they do need a place like that but they don't need the entire world to be that place in fact I would argue that it's our responsibility as parents not to just

1:01 give them the emotional support that they need to be able to grow into the emotionally intelligent beings we want them to grow into but we also need to prepare them for the many kinds of people and situations that they are going to encounter as they navigate life as they move through the world and it would be actually irresponsible for us to set the expectation out there that everybody's going to just listen when you have big feelings come up that's

1:28 just not the way things go so just to give you an example of what I mean once when my boys were young one of them came home saying some very nasty swear words one of them started with an F we'll just leave it at that okay he was very young he was you know kindergarten maybe yeah but had older brothers so oops I guess that just identified him but that's okay anyway so he um was swearing he was coming home

1:57 and he was saying all these nasty words and sometimes at us to get see what the response was and sometimes just sort of blurting them out in any case what I decided to do was to create a safe space in my car for him to be able to experiment and on the way to school in the morning we would have these swear fests where we would say the the car on the way to school when we have nobody

2:20 else in it our windows are up that is our safe place for us to just swear and say all the bad words we can and we'd have a lot of fun and we'd laugh and we'd you know I'd say okay what is the worst word what are the worst words you can think of and they would blurt out you know things that weren't even bad words they didn't even know they were so young but anyway it was super fun but

2:39 there was a Part B and that part B was okay when we pull up to school no more because if you were to say that f word and all the other words in your classroom or to another kid at school the consequence would likely be that you would be sent to the principal's office if you say those words to your friends when you're playing or even out loud with your friends when you're playing at their houses on a play date for example

3:11 and parents here the reality is those parents might not ask you back so it's this balance of information and a safe space for them to heal and feel and get the support the support that they need and deserve um so we can apply this same idea to partnering and parenting so let's see what that looks like so there are a couple of misconceptions

3:42 that I want to break apart for you because I think it's going to be useful in terms of you buying into this idea believing me that it is okay if you and your partner or even your ex parents differently so we have this misconception that our parent our co-parent um regardless of whether or not they live in the same home as we do must parent in the same way that we do in order for our kids to thrive

4:05 um you know it's kind of funny because we don't do that with other things and we can when we're not feeling emotional notice that there are actually lots of ways to do pretty much anything right so you know some of you probably tie your shoes with you know where you make the separate loops and then you put them together and I don't know how to do it that way so it's hard for me to explain but you know what I mean those

4:26 of you who tie your shoes that way know that that's the way you do it um I actually do that not first and then the bow wrap around the bow and then pull it through they both work right I tie my shoes you tie your shoes you might be thinking okay well that's a bit different than parenting not so much on the table the stakes are low right okay but we don't do that with other things

4:45 either let's say our partner is um looking for a job they might spend a lot of time on LinkedIn or doing a lot of research about different companies or whatever it is and we might when we look for a job say you know what I'm not so into like that research piece I just want to go out and start talking to a lot of people both ways will probably land to a job in the end but the route there is different

5:17 and I want to encourage you to think that same way about parenting because the truth is that kids are super super flexible they're super flexible and usually they get what we can handle as parents they do get that um and we parents we need enough wiggle room from our partners to be able to forge our own paths and build the confidence in ourselves that we are in

5:47 fact good parents it's it's much more beneficial to the kids when we can both grow into our own confidence and that confidence can be about doing things the same way or can be at be about doing things different ways so I for example I've got a client who's a solo mom she's divorced she's got two boys and her in her situation the stakes were really high because she was struggling with two little guys who were acting out

6:13 aggressively and aggressively towards her and it was incredibly triggering to her and she was actually when I first met her getting hurt so the stakes here were high now her ex is um very traditional in his parenting so um you know just you know what that looks like punishing consequences shaming that that type of thing you know a caveat here I'm not saying he's bad he's doing the best that he can um and and and we'll just leave it at

6:42 that for now but the point of of this video is to show you that he and she are doing it differently and it actually turned out okay she was concerned that it wouldn't but what we did is that um we talked about and taught her how to set limits in a really loving way and affirm way she also went out and found people community who would support her in her pursuit of peaceful parenting and

7:13 implementing the hand-in-hand parenting tools so she wasn't alone okay and her boys are thriving her boys are thriving and still when they're at her house they do a lot of stay listening a lot of big feelings come up she sets firm limits around aggression and they get to feel all the upset that comes up and when they're at their dance they don't have that opportunity so yes it's true that sometimes um it's it feels like a lot to handle

7:39 because that valve of of stress and upset and hurts isn't getting to be released at their dads because they know that he can't handle that um that's not his way of parenting but they also know that Mom can so as long as she's getting the support that she can that she needs which she is then her boys will be thriving because she can support them in in the way that we know Works super super well my husband and I

8:09 um also don't parent the same way believe it or not so I am definitely like the head hand in hand parenting person he is not um but once when the kids were really young we had an issue around guns play guns so I as you maybe are maybe can't guess and was very anti-gun so it felt very uncomfortable in fact it felt terrifying to me to allow my kids to have Nerf guns or to play at all with

8:37 guns and he set a limit with me he's like look Tasha we all grew up playing with guns and if we didn't have the nerf guns to play with these are play Guns by the way not like playing with real guns please um so you know we all grew up playing with Nerf guns and if we didn't have them we turned everything into a gun and we turned out just fine we really did like we're peaceful and we we're you

9:03 know it's a phase and it'll they'll move through it let them explore let them you know let them let them just play it out for themselves and I was scared I mean honestly I was really really worried for my boy's future and so I sat back and I thought to myself okay what is really important to me so I felt like I'm super triggered I didn't want to play that with them that wasn't a game that I could play and I

9:28 didn't want the guns even the play guns shot at me it felt too uncomfortable for me I couldn't handle it emotionally so I just set that limit but I did let them grab the sticks and the Nerf guns and whatever and play all over the house and that's how it started and in the end I actually got super into it and they by the end I mean over a period of months where I was able to work on my own you

9:51 know feelings about that and and what was hard for me about it and then come in and play with them and it was so fun and we would have like Nerf gun fights around outside the house inside the house running up running down so much laughter so much connection so I actually was able to learn from the situation um and but we started out at this place where our our idea of parenting was really different we had to talk about it

10:14 and figure out okay what decisions do we want to make here and I stepped back back and let him take the lead there a story that I wanted to share is a father who I'm working with now his wife is having nothing of hand in hand she's like no way I am not into this but he is committed he feels passionate about it and he's working right now on um really learning to set limits firmly and

10:40 lovingly this is a theme here um particularly around homework issues with his little guy so what that looks like is that I after school there is a lot of emotion right it's loud and he says you know sweetie time to do homework and his boy you know was like I'm thirsty I'm hungry and in the past what he was doing was like getting him water and getting him a snack but what he noticed is that it didn't matter how

11:07 long he put it off how many excuses he he agreed to in the end the upset came so we talked about bringing that limit early listening to that upset and then the boy is able to move to the table and do the homework but that's a little bit of an aside so the issue here is is that the mom is super triggered by these big feelings but what's happening now is she's letting him letting the father

11:34 bring that limit and stay listen listen to the big upset that's happening but when she gets to a place that she can't handle it anymore she comes in and she's like okay time to do homework and she just brings that firm limit and essentially is like I can't deal and and that's okay we're working towards a place where she can come in more peacefully more lovingly or perhaps to give him a sign like I'm done I can't listen anymore or maybe

11:59 she can learn that it's okay when she starts to feel more comfortable with it and start seeing more of the results that she can maybe just go into another room so or you know cover her ears so she doesn't have to listen and let him do the work so he's not expecting her to do it the way that he does but they're working towards a place where she can kind of step back in the place where

12:18 she's triggered and let him leave kind of like um the gun story that I just told you okay um so there's some good policies that I think are really useful to implement when we're talking about partnering in our parenting with somebody who we live with or with an ex um so the first one is just to let whoever's parenting parent just let them parent no horrible you know things are going to come for it uh come of it one thing that

12:49 I would say a caveat here is that obviously if there is physical aggression or if there is like really intense shaming or isolation and Punishment then please seek help okay that is something that um a professional needs to support you through we need to keep our kids safe for sure um but if the situation is just a difference in Styles and one parent is for example sending a child on timeouts while the other is moving in and stay

13:19 listening it's not the end of the world it doesn't mean it won't work it will actually still work because remember a child just needs one place to be able to let that steam off that rattling that rattling top of the boiling pot right it's like they might have to keep all these sides down but as long as they can like open up that one side with you that tension those hurts those upsets um those disconnects are all gonna heal

13:45 okay um uh what was I gonna say oh another thing you can do is to have a conversation about what each of you is good at and also where each of you struggles so we we depending on mostly depending on how we were parented and how we grew up we have different strengths so some of us might be better at play like we can get silly with our kids and be goofy and um maybe have you know pillow fights and

14:15 wrestling matches and all of that stuff some of us feel really tight and uncomfortable around that that's okay work to your strengths I'm not saying don't work on getting better in the areas where you feel like you're weaker um you know I think that should be a goal of all of us but also let's play to our strengths right if you're horrible at science you're not going to go be a doctor that's fine you can be fabulous at

14:38 something else so if you're good at play go for it if you're good at listening if you're the one that doesn't get triggered when your child's having big feelings then you be the main one who does that and allow your partner to step away like in the example that I just talked about with the dad and the homework and the mom who's being triggered um um the oh I know the other thing I was going to say is that

15:02 um notice where and I mentioned this a moment ago notice where you're triggered in particular so for example in my family my husband is very triggered around issues around food he's struggled with weight issues his entire life and his relationship with food it's not a secret he knows that I know that the kids know that and we just have an agreement when there are upsets on part of the kids around food I'm the one who steps in so just last night for example

15:27 he made this beautiful dinner tofu rice green beans it was amazing it was so so good and my youngest who is at the moment 12 or almost 12 said you know I'm not yelling I'm not eating that's disgusting I hate tofu and my husband started to get like really tight and upset and he said you know this is what's for dinner this is what you're gonna have and then he looked at me and he said I can't I can't deal with this

15:55 like he remembered okay I can't deal with this and so I stepped in and I could bring a limit lovingly because you know it's the same one I wanted to bring he wanted to bring essentially but I didn't have any angst around it I could just say sweetie that's what's for dinner tonight and then he wanted bread and he wanted this and I said no I said you know what if you'd like to make yourself a salad you're welcome to make

16:16 yourself a salad and he got all into it you know and he got out spinach and he got vegetables at me cut them and he asked how to make salad dressing and he squeezed garlic and whatever I mean never mind that the salad dressing had about like two tons of mayonnaise in it in the end which but anyway that's okay it's okay I brought a limit that was important to me and that was important to my husband and he

16:40 recognized that he was particularly triggered in that area and that I could come in and do it more peacefully so we noticed where one of us is strong and one of us is triggered and then we can kind of um parent in a conscious way there right just just be aware of of where I'm probably not going to make good decisions on where he's probably not going to make good decisions and support each other in that way

17:06 and the other thing I would say about partnering is that it's super important to appreciate your partner for what he or she does well and that doesn't mean for what he or she does in the way that you would do it or like okay they're finally doing it the way that I want them to do it yay you're awesome no I mean like right now today in the moment what is it that you can appreciate about

17:30 them because if there's one thing I can promise you it is that they have the exact same hopes and dreams for your child as you do you might parent completely differently your roots there might be completely different but your goal is the same right you both want your little one to thrive live a big life not be held back by fear make good friends be kind be thoughtful pursue their dreams right no one's going to argue and you you won't even argue

18:00 with me that your partner wants something different so if that's the truth then let's just sort of be thoughtful that the paths might be slightly different that's okay there's one other misconception that I think is going to be really useful to bring out into the light in terms of you being able to relax a bit if you have a partner or an ex who parents differently than you do and that is the misconception that it is of utmost

18:30 importance that our children always come first so as I see it you know parenting like everything else there's like a pendulum of philosophies around it even despite the research okay and most of us grew up with parents who felt like children needed to be seen but not heard that punishment or Consequences timeouts was the way perhaps um you know Rewards or Star Charts or prizes when you did things well or behaved nicely okay we grew up with that

19:03 and now this pendulum has swung right we have books about tiger moms and we have articles about helicopter parenting and we feel like our child is the center of our world and all you know sort of what brings meaning to our life um if that is the only thing that brings me into our lives that we've got problems okay we need to not always be putting our children first the reality is is that if we are

19:31 thriving our children will follow in our footsteps I know that's I'm just gonna say that again if you are thriving if you are feeling good if you are doing well your child will pick up on that energy um your child will Thrive right along with you it's not like magic it's not like you don't have to use parenting strategies or or think about your parenting that's not what I mean but when we're pouring all our resource in

19:57 our into our children at the expense of our own emotional well-being we are not going to get the results that we want so um like this for example like right now uh my family made a huge move across the world recently my middle son has been super super struggling as have I and I have spent a lot of time focusing on how to help him feel better how can I support him through this what resource does he need how much listening does he

20:27 need how much time and what sort of time should I be spending with him in order for his life to go well well um it hasn't gotten me very far and then I about a week ago I realized you know what I focusing on me actually I didn't realize that let me give my husband credit he realized that he said how do you expect him to understand that everything's okay when you're walking around like somebody just died and I thought oh yeah you got

20:58 a point here so what about me so I started getting me the support that I needed and you know it doesn't matter what that looks like it looks like all different things from listening Partnerships to hikes with friends to whatever but the point is is that I turned my attention back on me and it's only been let's see less than a week he's already different he already wakes up differently already wakes up differently okay so it's we can't always put our kids first

21:30 or maybe a better way to say it is putting ourselves first is putting our kids first so um let me share another story there was a parent whose child would get super super upset at preschool drop-off and that child she would cry and cry and cry and cry you know but hang on to the leg the whole thing you can't leave and this mother worked with me and realized that this was an opportunity to help her

21:58 daughter work through separation anxiety so we came up with the whole plan and she would stay and she would leave slowly and she would listen to all the feelings for as long as she could before she had to go to work um and over a period of time that little girl was able to separate with a bye bye and you know maybe he wasn't jumping out of her skin excited to be leaving her parents for the day but was able to

22:21 leave without the whole scene of upset the dab when he dropped off wasn't stay listening he would drop the child off and leave the child with it with a provider and that was fine too um the child was able to cry with the daycare provider that's fine the dad you know didn't have time or um you know intention the not the intention but didn't have the time and that wasn't his parenting style um the kid's fine she got through it

22:52 right the mom did it one way and this Dad did it a different way and they got through um but we need to be true putting ourselves first we need to be true to what feels good to us it doesn't mean that we can't change but if I were to have a coach that mom um to convince try to convince her husband to drop off in the way that she drops off all that would have done was

23:17 have created tension in their relationship and it would have made everything worse because the more tension there is in a relationship the harder it is for the kids so it just doesn't make sense to work that way use your strengths play to your strengths she could she could listen great he didn't need to listen he could do something else he was super good at play she wasn't so he would connect in the evenings with like wild rides around the

23:42 house and crazy you know stuff my mom's like whoa fine it's not you know one's better than the other play to your strengths so I think I I think that's enough I think I got my point across right the answer to the question does your partner have to parent um that hand in hand way use the hand-to-hand parenting tools for your child to thrive no they don't okay you can parent in different ways and your children will

24:11 thrive take care of yourself nurture your relationship with your partner use some of the strategies that I laid out and you will raise an emotionally intelligent child a kind child a thoughtful child a purposeful child one who goes after their dreams and doesn't get held back by fear so don't worry go out do the best you can no you're going to make mistakes know you're going to do it your own way your partner or your ex

24:37 will do it their way and everything's going to be just fine