Power of Acceptance - "Becoming the Best You Can Be" Webinar Series - Dr. Becky Bailey

0:00 [Music]

0:42 welcome to conscious discipline and our time together today we're talking about the sixth power for adults in the conscious discipline philosophy the power of acceptance which reminds us the moment is as it is relax and solve your problem now how many of you listening and this is going to be rhetorical but I still want you to think about it how many of you listening would like to be able to give and receive empathy kindness

1:15 compassion without that sense of sacrifice how many would you like of you would like to set limits on children's behavior that teach responsibility and respect instead of back talk and power struggles how many of you would like to set and Achieve goals based on a internal desire and hard work instead of some kind of tangible reward you're going to get at the end from someone else and finally how many of you would like to sustain relationships with

1:48 communication skills that draw you closer to people make you feel more understood and understanding instead of distance and judgment now my guess is is uh certainly all of you and I know my answer would be yes yes yes yes yes and it is all possible and it requires willingness and the willingness that's required is to let the moment be as it is it requires

2:20 Acceptance Now conscious discipline is a comprehensive social and emotional self-regulation program that uh teaches adults and children how to manage their thoughts manage their feelings and manage their behavior it's based on acceptance we must accept the thoughts that come through our head instead of latch on to them we must accept the feeling of disappointment that comes up in a moment instead of trying to

2:51 distract from it we must accept the behaviors or events that happen in life so that we can respond to it it's based on neuroscience and a brain State model that demonstrates that our optimal state for learning life success for anything for well-being is integration now integration is linking differentiated Parts together so whether

3:22 you're in whether you're linking the separate organs in our body into one giant human system whether you are linking the neurons in our brain into one giant uh control center that integration is essential or whether you're linking differentiated ecosystem throughout the world into one hole so that we all can survive integration is essential or even whether you're linking differentiated

3:53 personalities at work into one integrated um efficient system or even in school where you're integrating different children with different personalities different needs and you link them together into one integrated School family integration is the key to change you must have integration before you can transform you must have integration before you have a choice to make a change you must have

4:24 integration to uh transform any interaction and you must have haveit for well-being now the key to integration is acceptance acceptance is the non-judgmental acknowledgment and awareness of the present experience now this isn't our strong suits let me just tell you acceptance isn't a strong suit and it shouldn't be like this this shouldn't be happened they should have called me yesterday so we're not real good at that one and also the present

4:56 moment is not our specialty you know what happened last week you know what's going on so we tend to have our minds thinking about the past thinking about the future missing the present so both of those even though I said this is the key acceptance gets integration integration equals well-being we're like hey yay done we're finished well it's not quite that simple but it does require that willingness on our behalf without the power of acceptance we can't

5:26 access the skill of empathy and what we end up doing is avoiding dismissing punishing feelings instead of being present with them and teaching children how to manage them watch this video about the hamster dying and see if you can relate to how your emotional states were negated as the moment they came in was negated

5:57 [Music] Mom oh honey hi Mom the hamster card yeah Charlie

6:27 died we'll get another one we'll get you another one we'll get you another one I you know what I know exactly who's got more okay let's no we have to get another one we have to do this we have to get another one I'm going to fix this for you we'll get another one okay I yeah it's just yeah he's it's a little bot yeah that's what they do and they get stiff yeah you probably noticed that

6:47 yeah we'll take care of it I'll have you know what I'll have your dad take care of it I don't want to touch him I don't want to touch him it's not it's not a big deal sweetheart it's not a big deal hamsters they come and go they're like a dime a dozen didn't we just talk about this you have you take no responsibility for things look at this look at who puts your clothes away every day you take no

7:07 responsibility for anything no wonder he died Charlie that rodent you have in your room no Charlie he died yeah I just found him he's in the room he's laying there he just like he was okay um can you take these back to your room when you go and then you can take care of that just wrap them in here just wrap them in there that would be great okay [Music]

7:39 [Music] mom make it better make it better you got to do something Charlie's dead yeah Charlie's dead and that is that's really hard you love Charlie so much love Charlie you were so good with Charlie too this little thing I never do it

8:11 again when you're ready we'll decide what's best for parting with Charlie and we're going to get through this together we are you're not alone you're not alone you'll be there yes in fact we're going to be there right now together let's go right now and we'll take care of little Charlie okay Mom let's [Music]

8:43 go if you're like me for for most of my life I've struggled against life I've struggled against my body I've struggled against things I don't like with other people I've struggled against politics school policy everything uh mostly I kind of struggle with my own body in high school it was my nose I was just obsessed with I needed a new nose then all through my life I've been obsessed with my thighs they're wrong and and now it's my weight

9:13 which is just not right and so we tend to resist what is and it's like why on Earth would I struggle so much with life why would I go against all that is and say this moment that's happening right now is not good enough H how I am is not good enough now where would this notion come from well if I if I'm TR truthful with myself I'll say I really don't uh ex believe in acceptance that's that's like

9:45 a crazy thing to say but somehow in my mind I've got this notion that if I truly accepted something then I wouldn't be positively motivated to make a change and so I confused acceptance with with resignation so if you accept it well there you go we're just going to rape and pillage and then I had another notion that if I truly was accepting of something I'm condoning it I'm saying great I'm glad the children are hungry

10:12 and we rape women go for it and and so we've confused acceptance that non-judgmental awareness and acknowledgement of what is with resignation it's going to always be like that and with with condoning it like I agree yay go for it and and that's just not true but where on Earth did this come from and so I believe it came from how we were disciplined we were disciplined with negation really and so let me give you an example of this so I'm going to hold

10:45 up this bag and all of y'all can see the bag I'm going to stand over here and what I'm going to do is simply drop the bag now you're going to say instead of approaching life like this Becky the bag's on the floor pick it up and put it on the table this was not how we were approach this is not how we typically parents and teachers they go where should that bag Be Where should that bag be and we're

11:15 like uh on the counter in your hand so it's approached from it's not where it's supposed to be as opposed to accepting the fact it is and saying simply pick it up put it on account where should it be what should you have done you know better than this and we we go at life with this struggling resisting what is and I think that's how it got distorted in our heads so somehow through all that

11:46 resistance we learned resistance equals change and if you just look historically resistance doesn't equal change it equals stagnation what you resist persist so at any given moment we have two choices one we can negate it this shouldn't be happening it shouldn't be like this I can't believe it's like this or we can accept oh my gosh look at the situation we're faced

12:16 with I've got to be at work at 7:30 and my child is there standing in a a diaper with no shoes and my eldest one is still asleep now instead of going this shouldn't be this should never be they know I have to be at work at 7:30 it shouldn't happen like this I simply go oh my gosh it is as it is relax and solve my problem so what happens when we negate the moment we're

12:46 in we're saying that all that's happening right now is not good enough we negate not only ourselves but we negate everyone in that moment saying I it this you are not good enough so listen to what we're doing where should you be I you stupid stupid child and ask this to a child especially young ones where should you be and they go like

13:16 this right here here I am see me here I am it's it's baffling to them or if we say this is another way we negate through denial we say here comes a child running there's no running in this house well hello it just happened yes there is or there's no screaming well yes it is so we've trying to discipline move through

13:48 life through negation and denial now here's what happens when we do that if we choose negation first like I said we negate ourselves and every everybody in that moment saying this is not good enough if I was Queen and King of the Universe I would have orchestrated this thing entire entirely different but this moment right now is not of my it's not worthy and it's not good enough the second thing is it that creates unmanageable and chronic stress

14:18 how are you going to change the universe so that chronic stress moves us into a reactive style of communicating a reactive style of dealing with our children and and we get focused on immediate Behavior things I'll do whatever it takes you will go to bed and we don't care about the skill we're teaching I'll scream and yell and hit you to teach you to be respectful so it

14:48 gets crazy and it transforms our perception so we see the worst in people and the last thing it does and the reason that what I just told you happens is it activates the anterior culate cortex in the brain okay so now a little brain lesson so we're going to do the brain hand so if you have out there with me you're going to do this with me so you have your hand up here and just using a simple brain model with your

15:17 hand is this part down here would be the brain stem the Survival Systems you fold in your thumb this would be the limic system and you lay up on top this cortex inside so and this would be your frontal loobe so if you're familiar with conscious discipline in this prefrontal lob right here that's where all this integration takes place but you have to get up there you have to get through am I safe am I loved what can I learn from

15:47 this all the way up here so that you can have this integrated State now if we open this up this is the lyic system and right between the lyic system and right between the prefrontal loobe is the anterior sinkula right in there and this is almost uh like a gear shift in the brain if you're if you're driving your car and you want to go from uh into reverse you've got to always go to neutral first

16:18 and then into reverse if you try to go it the other way everyone's ground some uh grinded their gears at time so you always go to neutral well neutral is that except state for those of you who are going to receive my newsletter this month you'll learn more about the anterior culate cortex and uh it's called I Don't Care in the brain so check that out so if we are going through life and we reject what is or we feel rejected it's like

16:48 grinding our gears it takes all this energy and information and throws it down into your survival State and then we see the worst and we get reactive or if we get to the anterior Cula and we accept what is it sends it up here energy and information up to our prefrontal Lo integrates our brain and voila we're brilliant so that's what happens we either can go on the high road through acceptance and access our

17:18 Brilliance or we can go through the low road and end up reactive now if we take acceptance we get up to the high road so what does that give us well it allows us to accept the moment as it is which allows us to accept everyone in it ourselves our children everybody in that moment gets to feel good enough second we get to manage the stress of

17:49 conflict not get unmanaged by it we get to manage it so that we can come up to these higher centers get that integration and it allows ows us a wonderful skill once we get to the higher centers the high road we get to access the skill of empathy so that we can validate the inner world of a child you were hoping that you could stay up late it's hard when it's 8:00 in bedtime breathe you can handle

18:21 this as opposed to what if I told you 100 times you should know better than this by now you should be in your pajam you should be somewhere this should not be happening you know I have to work tomorrow and be up at 7:30 the choice is ours either way our anterior sinkula gets activated but one it pushes to the high road or two it takes us to the lower we access the one skill I just told you about

18:49 empathy but we also get to access another skill called noticing so these are two core skills of conscious discipline empathy validating the child's perception validate validating the child's experience and feelings you seem angry you wanted to ball you didn't know what to say no wonder you hit him you have to

19:20 say it's my ball give it back so we actually can take moments like that and teach children these life skills but we have to have empathy to do that and noticing which is um just acknowledging and becoming aware of the present moment so noticing is the key to acceptance so what you're going to watch is a video now a lot of people say oh my gosh I can't just notice kids what am I

19:51 going to say oh you pick the book up and put it on the Shelf shouldn't I say thank you good job uh how great th art I mean should shouldn't there be some kind of judgment on my part or if you do something stupid like hit your friends should you say well that wasn't nice was it don't you want to be nice don't you want to have friends shouldn't I somehow tell them how wrong they are or

20:16 tell them how great they are what do you want me to do just notice them and my answer is yes by noticing you you see someone how many of us have said said I don't want you to I want you to see me not who you think I should be I mean we all scream for that can't you just see me kids are always going watch me I'm going to jump in the pool see me and we

20:45 go great jump as opposed to you jump with your knees bit your arms went up and and the Splash in the pool and they're like yes so watch this video because a lot of people say I can't just notice them because it you I would be rude I I need to judge them somehow watch the video that you're about to see and listen because you will never hear me say good job uh that was wonderful uh you're all

21:15 so great nor will you hear me say you really boogered it up so watch the video and watch me just notice kids and ask yourself if I remove the Judgment from my interaction with children and others and rely on this acceptance accessing huge integration and well-being is it rude or is it just clear helping children be successful so watch this

21:47 [Music] video okay here's what we're going to do though do it a little bit differently but while we do it I want you to see if you can feel a difference all right if you can feel a difference when she puts on the music just like you did before because you did you did this you stood up you walked very safely over most almost all of you pushed your chair in you pushed your chair in you walked real

22:15 safely you didn't knock everybody down you walked real safely and you got to the circle that you did but here's what we're going to do when you sit down at the Circle I want you to check and see if you have enough room you can see Miss Christian and then I want you to turn your head and check and see if all your friends have enough space and if they don't scoot wiggle scoot wiggle scoot wiggle until everybody has

22:42 space listen for the music as soon as the music starts that's what you're going to [Music] do oh oh look at this you scooted back right off and then you helped him even further he went scoot scoot you scooted and she waited I'm not going to sit on my friends I'm going to wait till there's a space you guys slid right open po as you went did you see it

23:14 hopefully you felt uh a person that was truly present with the kids a person that really from the depth of their soul one of these children to be successful and wanted to teach you and so I don't know how we confused uh uh teaching with judging but teaching is to demonstrate coming from the word disciple so we're going to take the high road and we're going to access our two

23:44 skills a noticing which meets that need of will you see me not who you think I should be and empathy can you hear me do you value my inner world as much as my behavior do you value value me now a lot of people say I wonder how we could discipline children and offer unconditional love at the same time and just think about it how do you do it how do you discipline them which means set a

24:11 limit say you can't do this no you're not going to do this you're going to do this etc etc how do you set a limit whether at the office or with children or with your significant others how do you set a limit and still not put conditions on love these two skills empathy and notice all coming from acceptance which guarantee you integration which offers well-being to the world so here's the benefits of

24:43 acceptance and acceptance again is the moment is as it is the whole universe there's a a a an African greeting that I love and I can't remember the exact words to it but when they greet each other the meaning by behind the greeting says the whole universe got together to bring you and me to this moment so I could say hello to you uh and if you if we could believe that about every moment ones we call good and ones we call bad

25:13 if we could accept this is what is this is just what is relax and solve your problem here's the benefits of acceptance it will balance your emotional regulation it transforms how interactions unfold it gives us flexibility because of that anterior culic gyus uh and cortex allows it to the information to become either to the high road or the low road um it offers overall well-being it allows us

25:43 to approach challenging situations instead of withdraw from them so we can solve some of the most demanding problems that we face today it allows for empathic communication resilience and reduced stress increased health of all relationships enhanced immune functioning cellular longevity and unconditional love so if I can do this right I'm going to use Mr Spock uh as our ending uh so uh with

26:16 acceptance may we all live along and and prosper until next time I wish you well [Music]