Fatherhood killed me. And that was the point.

0:02 When people ask me how I survived my first year of being a dad, I didn't. I don't often have the problem of getting work done or struggle with the discipline and routine of making myself work. It really feels like that's my sweet spot. I would be getting up at 5, enter the subway at 5.09, hit the gym to then go home and work hours before everyone else was awake.

0:34 I always tried to run my life like a perfectly oiled machine with as little hiccups as possible. I believe I was not born like this. There were definitely stops that shaped who I am today. Like I finished an apprenticeship as an electrician and having to get up at 5 for 4 years straight, that does something to you. And before filmmaking became my passion, American football was. And I played in Germany's highest league for a couple of years.

1:06 By far not on a professional level like the US, but we took it very seriously. And that showed me you had to be very determined and work really, really hard to make it onto the field. My system is highly fine tuned to my needs, my work and my surroundings. And I'm a numbers guy. I track everything and analyze what goes in and out of my business. And I'm not just talking about money. The problem is that this system is simply not made for not doing well because you can't control everything.

1:40 Stuff gets in the way. And my winning streak of high- performance days is always numbered. And I would beat myself up pretty hard on the inside if a day would not go as planned. As a full time creative freelancer, my life pretty much revolves around me. That has its advantages and disadvantages. But in general, I am the center of my own little universe. I create my own rhythms and structures in how I want to do my work and live my life.

2:10 And I personally really thrive in that. I love making my own decisions. Do I want to go out for lunch today? What do I want to work on? What do I really want to put my time into? For me, freelancing really means having full responsibility for my own life. If I want to make a change, I'll change it. If I have a problem, I'll have to fix it. And if you're like me, this freedom is something we all love and want to protect.

2:39 The freedom to work wherever you want, to take a break whenever you want. And I hate when something gets in the way of that. And to me, there is this fear that always kind of lurks in the back of my mind. What if this run ends? What if I'm running out of jobs or AI or whatever? Like what if all this changes? And the idea of having kids always played a role in these thoughts. And I mean, let's be honest, if you're working in the creative industries full time, how do people deal with kids?

3:09 I heard so many stories of divorce, broken families, careers changing or ending because it simply did not work out with kids. My wife and I, we really wanted kids. But even if you plan it, you really can't grasp what you're getting yourself into. Even if you think, you know, when my wife got pregnant, I thought I had kind of an idea. And as I mentioned in my last video, she got pregnant in like the worst moment in my filmmaking career.

3:38 Like I had no projects, zero cash flow. It felt technically dead. Nevertheless, we were expecting our daughter. When Lu arrived, it literally hit me like a truck. I don't know how to put it into words, but it feels like she kicked me. Out of the orbit of myself and into the galaxy. I definitely believe that the way I lived before played a big role in how hard it hit me.

4:11 From fully self determined to completely determined by someone else. All of a sudden, I hated working out like I was constantly on low battery. And I had no idea where I should take the energy from to go to a gym or something. Like it feels like I immediately started to make dad noises every time I would bend over. It just happened like that. My whole being went into survival mode. You wake up when she wakes up, she has to eat something, diapers, breastfeeding.

4:41 You should not forget to eat something yourself. Oh, the fridge is empty. Oh, the bathroom looks like the Berlin subway. It's really hard not to drown in the chaos of it all. Like I was always a morning person, but I started to hate the mornings because it was just full of exhaustion. And I worked late into the night, something that I would never do before becoming a dad. Me being a dad and the individualist high-performer clashed so hard.

5:10 And I had to live in that tension every day. You really find out how much of an individualist you are when you become a parent. And I mean, you can imagine how much tension that brings to a marriage. Like both of our love languages are quality time. Where do you find quality time in all of that mess? I can count on one hand how many dates we had since we became parents. I really looked forward to becoming a dad, but this was way harder than expected.

5:39 Not just being a dad, but all of our circumstances made it even harder. We live in Berlin, big city, plus six hours away from our parents, which means almost zero support. My wife had crazy pain after our daughter was born. And our daughter was colic for the first couple of months, which means she would cry almost all of the time. Can you imagine how on the edge you are? I was always the kind of guy that looked at other parents and thought, "Don't whine around so much.

6:11 Like toughen up a bit." And now I was in the middle of it and I could not tell up from down. I was so lost in the mess. It was crazy. Our first year of being parents was by far the hardest of our lives. I did not survive that first year. The old me died and I really grieved my old life. And I was constantly comparing myself, barely surviving everyday life, to the guy I was before. And that one had endless energy.

6:47 That really threw me into some deep holes because the two were so far from each other. I have a very unrealistically high standard for myself. Now I was underperforming on every level. And it feels like my wife, she experienced me with the thinnest skin and the shortest patience I've ever had in my life. I'm the type of guy that constantly focuses on what's not going well so I can improve that and get better or something.

7:18 But now there was no improvement. Just falling short of my own standards every day. And all that while my work life was still dead. I was physically and mentally at a lifetime low point. It feels like I really was a difficult person to be close to. And my wife, she experienced me in my weakest moments while also going through this first year. Which was in many ways harder than it was for me. And I am so thankful and I love her so much for going through all that with me.

7:50 There was no fix for all of that. I had no plan. I simply had to trust. I had no other choice. In all this mess, in all this chaos, something happened to me. As my daughter was laying on my chest, sleeping peacefully, my heart was running over with love. And it became soft. I had so much love for this little girl. And she did absolutely nothing to earn that.

8:21 She simply existed, just sleeping, and I could just not stop looking at her. That really showed me how much God loved me. And I've never felt that so intimately in my whole life. It really feels like parenthood shatters you. And it leaves some of the realest stuff behind. There's just no hiding. Like it exposes you in the best way possible. If you face it openly and willingly. I did not really control what happened to me on the inside.

8:51 But now looking back, I can tell that it really gave me a thicker skin and a softer heart. Our daughter was the sandpaper my life so dearly needed. And that also changed how I look at my work. A job that looked shitty two years ago, all of a sudden looks very different because it's providing for my family. Like taking a money job does not feel like selling out anymore. Because it feels like loving my family in a very practical way.

9:21 The stakes are higher now. And if a decision has bad consequences, they will feel that as well. But that also unlocks new levels of energy you did not know you have before. Because it's no longer just about me, it's about us as a whole. And building something that lasts longer than just a month or two. At the core, it's a big sacrifice. But a wonderful one. And what comes out of it is so life-giving.

9:51 So meaningful. Deeper than any career success. And it's really hard to put that into words. We are now one and a half years in. And I'm still very new to this. But the waters are a bit smoother. It just feels like some things become second nature. Like snacks or diapers.

10:21 Or the car seat. Like it's never just leaving the house. You just become more sovereign with these things. A couple months ago, I decided to get back into a routine of getting up early again. Now my alarm goes at 4.45. I get up, I make myself a pour over. I read, I pray, I meditate. I go to the gym, I come home, clean the house or get ahead on some work before everyone else wakes up. And that also somehow does not feel that much about me anymore.

10:56 Because getting up early and spending a couple hours just by myself in silence and doing sports. It creates a different type of heart capacity for my wife and daughter when they wake up. Like I can greet them in a different way. Other than the guy that just woke up and had to function. I feel like I'm more calm, I'm more there, I'm more present for them. I mean I'm still the guy with unrealistic standards. And I will always strive to be a little bit better.

11:25 And I don't know how long that routine will hold. But I learned not to be that hard on myself. Life changes, the cards get reshuffled all the time. And that's part of it. You just have to adjust and don't beat yourself up. That is to nobody's benefit. Life is different now. But in a very good way. The machine, it's up and running again. But it runs differently. And it produces a very different type of fruit.

11:58 When I look back, I realize that you don't change outside of the valley. You change inside of it. All the shit you take. All the pain, all the suffering, all the stuff you go through. That's where it really works on you. And the most interesting thing is that most of the time, life feels like it has stopped. Or it's even going backwards. But that is deep down where the real change is happening.

12:28 Where the sandpaper of life is starting to soften your edges. Remembering that last year, I see now that it is not about getting through it as fast as possible. Even though when you're in it, all you want for it is to be over. But rushing it misses the point. These valleys do something to you that no victory ever can. You just have to embrace it. And that does not mean having all the solutions.

13:01 Sometimes it means staying out of the way. Sometimes it means biting through. Sometimes it means having patience. It really meant trusting. I want to say that this is a very individual experience. And you will experience it differently than I did. But looking at the person I became and still becoming, I like that person more than the one I was before. And I try to hold this new life lightly. And I try not to squeeze the life out of it by always trying to be the best at everything.

13:36 I hold it with soft hands. I want to grow old with my family. This does not feel like a new chapter. It feels like a completely new book. I did not survive my first year of being a dad. And that turned out to be the point.