Do you know why we resist change?

0:01 hello guys welcome to book club number 34 34 this is the book in case you're wondering in case you forgot what we're talking about is my wi-fi on it is can you hear me properly guys can you tell me hello everyone hi guys book club number 34. hi hong kong

0:34 mexico tell me where you're signing in from today so today i'm signing on late i typically come earlier in the day but it's been a wicked day hey everyone who's reading the book where are you in the book hi brooklyn new york wisconsin i love it puerto rico

1:06 okay so today i'm going to talk about the process of transformation and why we resist so extremely so ordinarily persistently the process of transformation jazzy on the j spot just finished the book what was your greatest aha um michelle you're going to read it

1:38 again i love it simone mary mendonka from brazil hi rhode island it's a masterpiece and came at the exact moment i needed it i love that limitless life coach liz i'm so happy is the wi-fi choppy guys okay i'm back better hey guys i just changed my wi-fi was it choppy you're on page 71

2:13 you're on chapter four you're doing it the second time bbg raise can you hear me is my wi-fi okay i think i was a little choppy before and now is it better now okay good better better better i don't know why it's not better it's better it's not better sorry i need to know is it okay all right sandra torres so let's talk about um

2:43 the process of transformation and why we resist it so the process you know people always ask me okay and then what and then what and then what right what will happen after i change i go but you haven't changed yet yeah what will happen after i change then what because we always want to make sure in our desire for control that we know what's going to happen when we change

3:13 do you see the idiocy of that like how are you going to know what's going to happen when you're a completely different human being so what people don't understand is that the change is in the process there is no change and then something happens if there's no process and then change and then something happens there is no linear progression to this you are transforming through the process of

3:46 the pain through the process of the expansion through the process of the contraction whatever you're going through whatever phase the process is the outcome the process is the healing there is no okay i'll do this process then what the reason we can never answer that idiotic question sorry is because i just want to call it what it is so if you catch yourself saying then what then what then what uh

4:19 catch yourself because the ben what is out of your capacity for awareness so any attempt to answer it is a little bit of lunacy okay just saying so it's it's like saying now what now what now what oh my goodness how about what is in the now what's now so people don't understand or we don't understand that it is

4:49 going through the tunnel that takes you out of the tunnel now you're like duh dr shwali i knew that i knew we have to go through the tunnel to get out of it but understand it as a metaphor that the the through the thoroughfare walking the hot coals walking the pathway from one end of the tunnel to the other is the change boom you've changed and when you come out you are a whole new

5:19 level of consciousness because you are in on in a whole new level of consciousness asking before you enter the tunnel then what is lunacy because you are going to shed and transform and develop and morph into a completely new expanded consciousness so that when you come out you are so different that when you look back at the tunnel the tunnel is different you're like how is it this tunnel

5:51 different when you look up at the sky you're like i swear to you it didn't look like this when i started my journey you look at the trees you're like i've never seen trees like this you look at your own hands your own face your own being your own people and they all look different so what i'm trying to tell you is that resisting the process because you just want the outcome is completely at cross purposes

6:23 the the two don't should not even be said at in the same sentence so when people come up to me and say okay dr shafari so say i change or say i left or say i got a new job or say i lost 25 000 pounds or whatever whatever it is that your process is going to be okay what if i did that then what right understand that that is this question of an unconscious asleep mind i want your

6:50 mind to be woken up so i'm telling you when you begin thinking the now what questions you need to understand that is your mind playing tricks on you to just f with you okay let's talk about the now what and the then what and the what if and the should how and the household and it's just your ego taking you out of presence because wisdom understands that it is only in the walking of the path that the release of the old can happen

7:21 you have to walk the damn path you cannot be on the shores you cannot be on the other side until your consciousness expands so your consciousness is seeking expansion and if you bypass that process there is no other you coming out and therefore you are wherever you are you take you wherever you are so then you didn't really grow so the reason we resist this is because who we're going to be is unknown

7:52 and that is terrifying that's why and what i'm about to say will offend people so close your ears close your eyes it's going to offend people i'm telling you right now so because we want to know who we're going to be at the end of the tunnel which is impossible to know because the tunnel changes you into an irrevocably foreign entity an alien to yourself because of that delusion desire for control we at the ages of young naive

8:24 28 and 32 we take vows to marry and till death do us part two till the end of life their lovely aspirations their lovely visions fantasies it's all though based on an idea an idea of romance an idea of the future an idea of an idea of an idea okay and you lock yourselves

8:57 into that contract and you're like you take care of me and i take care of you forever and ever and ever and anything that is steeped in the then what in the then in the future is lunacy you can now take out your fingers from your ears i won't offend you and if i do i will warn you so sorry to say for those who don't see it this way now i'm not against the institution of marriage at

9:24 all i just like to call the institution what it is a little bit of delusion because it is predicated on longevity in the future and you don't know who you're going to be in the future so tell your children please don't make silly vows that you don't know anything about don't promise things that you cannot know about because you're not a psychic or wizard a a gremlin or a gnome you're not you're just very much in the present moment

9:53 so let's just stay in the present moment yes yes so the reason why we resist is because we are manically obsessed with the narcissistic grandiosity that we should know our future and living in the present is intolerable to us living in the present is intolerable to us now let me say to you people that many people think they're living in the present but they're not they're just avoiding living in the

10:25 present or they like to call their reckless abandon living in the present i'm just living in the brazilian so i'm going to smoke some weed and i'm going to drink some alcohol and i'm going to you know do what i need to do because i'm in the moment no that's not in the moment okay being in the moment is being conscious in the moment is being present in the moment is being here and now is understanding your patterns

10:48 otherwise you're not in the moment your pattern is defining you the old is defining you so being in the present requires a presence a consciousness so the reason we resist transformation is that is because you will have to be present and you know how painful it is to be present to pain do you know how painful it is to be present to pain it is excruciatingly torturing

11:20 we are not wired for it so we want to numb or we want to distract but if you want to transform and if you want to evolve you need to learn how to be present to pain you need to walk that tunnel knowing bloody walk it well now because some awesome creature is going to come out on the other end the metamorphosis is going to be stupendous walk it like when i'm about to enter

11:51 pain like i'm seeing the pain coming you know i'm like okay here i am this is where i'm going to be for the next two three weeks minimum i give myself okay shifali is gone because i have to walk the tunnel i have to walk the pain i have to feel the feelings i have to see i have to deconstruct i have to do the work because i know if i don't do the work now it's coming to bite me in my ass in

12:21 two weeks so do it now while it's fresh i'm not carrying this on my back so if you could understand the value of the pain i know now having worked with innumerable people that there is such value to this pain the pain is the portal the pain is the only birthing canal so i have deep reference for pain when pain comes and knocking i'm like come on in come on in and take over my entire life

12:51 go ahead no problem let's become fat and let's drink a lot and let's drown in this pain i'll try to feel it too you know you try to feel it yeah that was the point of my message i forgot okay so you let the pain in and you feel it okay don't listen to my past what i just said ignore delete edit so when you when you have reverence for the pain when you know pain is going to transform

13:18 me into some kick-ass different human being then you're like come on bring it on when you understand that all pain comes from false attachments to false ideas of what should have been and did not come to fruition just your false expectations you're like okay pain i get you i hear you what were my false expectations what were my false attachments what am i attached to right now that isn't happening how do i reconcile with the shoulds that

13:49 i wanted come on tate give it to me i'm here to listen what was i attached to you know i always talk to myself okay shafali what were you attached to this time don't you know better i'm like no i forgot i forgot i got attached well then you got attached and pain has come to bite you that's what happens that's why the monks say don't attach because right after your dad somewhere there will be pain

14:22 pain is inevitable so if you can embrace the pain and let it do its work listen to me don't eff around with pain if you suppress the pain distract the pain or think you can outwit the pain oh the pain is coming back it is going to get you i don't mess with pain when pain shows up i'm like hello come on in let's do the work let's get this over with how long is it going to take okay i'm

14:52 here i'm ready i don't resist it because the sooner you accept it and the sooner you dive into the ocean of the pain and you cry your heart out and you get angry and you just get it out then one day believe me it lifts this is the miraculous thing about it it's a torturous guest it's entitled it stays on your chest it doesn't leave it's rude it takes up space everywhere it occupies every part of your existence

15:22 but the good thing about it if you treat it well pain goes away i'm telling you it's a miracle it is a miracle even though i don't believe in miracles this is a miracle it's an irony of the character of pain i'm telling you sit with it be in it watch it cry it yell scream whatever you need to do i promise you one day you wake up you'll be like where did it go where did it go i'm back

15:54 to myself this is the science of pain so simple now why do we resist it because pain is painful it makes you examine yourself and it makes you untether from who you used to be and even though who you used to be was a quite a loser we are attached to that loser we're like we loved that old way really you loved that old way you were an addict you were bankrupt you had a

16:25 dysfunctional toxic relationship you were a doormat you were a pushover whatever you were you want to say that and you're like yes i do i hate that existence but i can't let go this is the problem this is why we can't let go because we are attached we're in love we're deeply attached to who we are who we were even though that person who we were is a bloody mess so all problems end at one place

16:57 a delusional and narcissistic attachment to your identity and as long as you're identified with your identity you will suffer that's why the monks don't suffer so much even though they're identified as being monks and if we stop them from being monks maybe they would suffer but they have stopped suffering like the rest of us fools at least they're not suffering human relationships they're like not doing that not attaching to that

17:28 well we can't be monks okay we're not ready to be monks but we can learn from them and understand that when we are attached to the eye to the me to the identity of the me right behind it the tail comes the tail of suffering so if you don't want to suffer you've got to detach from who you used to be so in order to detach from who you used to be that stronghold on your identity needs

17:58 to be loose right so you can move evolve flow now understand that we have to take that lesson to the present moment meaning right now even though there may be no pain in your life you better prepare meaning you better not have some strong identifications with your identity because then when pain comes tomorrow and then you're asked to change this present you if you're deeply attached you're going to suffer do you understand what i'm saying in the present moment stop attaching to

18:29 your identifications because when you stop attaching to your identifications then tomorrow when pain comes and says hey missy let go of your identification you're like i already did i already did do you understand when i bought my first house so proud to be an owner of an american house i had a yard and no fence but i got one because i had to i was an owner of an american house in the suburb

19:00 of new york i was like wow look at me okay that was my small s self okay small eye small mind my wisdom self was also there and i told myself as soon as i walked into the house listen you you getting all big in your ego right there understand this isn't your house it doesn't belong to you you are a temporary stakeholder here you're a temporary renter you're a temporary guest

19:31 so check your ego this house doesn't belong to you never get attached to this house and then when i got went through my divorce and i left my house i could walk out light as a feather because i had been doing my work of detaching detaching detaching to touching not attaching not attaching not attaching now i'm in another beautiful house and a part of me is like attach attach a dutch look at this house i love it i want to live here till death

20:02 do us part but i know hey ego cut it out cut your bs this isn't your house you're just here now you're a temporary renter you're lucky you're privileged you're blessed whatever freaking word you want to use but it's only for the now with your children don't get attached to your children what a mess that will turn out to be don't do it because even if your children like you you shouldn't attach to them you

20:33 understand even if they're like no mommy i love you i want to live with you for the rest of my life you're like no no no no this is not what a life is you're not meant to marry me you have to go so in all ways if we can practice present moment non-attachment present moment non-attachment check yourself all the time i write my book i'm attached attached to that and the other part of me my wife self goes

21:03 hey you ego this is not your book it doesn't belong to you anymore let it go let it go and stop it stop it you and when when the ego wants to go check it the ratings and check the reviews i have my y self always saying you fool you fool keep doing it you're going to suffer sometimes my ego doesn't listen what to do but always have the check in wisdom to know check you check you put your

21:34 back in your place so develop that cultivate that when you do your stronghold on your identity is not that's that severe and therefore when pain comes a knocking you're like what do you want to take away from me and pain is like i want to take away your old identities your old fantasies you're like here take i barely have any left hand is empty do you see that's wisdom then when pain comes you flow you already weren't attached at least

22:06 you were halfway non-attached a little bit the ego was clawed in but you're almost at non-attachment so you're like hello what are you going to take away from me pain what are you going to take away from me i didn't have the fantasy anyway i didn't have the attachment anyway so when you understand that you are not your identifications your identity doesn't come from your identifications your identity comes from your presence in the present moment only

22:32 and from your big s self the big s self is interconnected with all the global oneness consciousness and if you understand that that's who you are and that's all you are and nothing more now you can transform so our resistance to transform comes from our inability to detach non-attach from our identity with our identifications we love whoever we were even though we were totally after we love that we're attached we're clinging on

23:03 and we want the house we want the possessions we want the shoes we want we want the things all of it is not who you are so if you keep clinging to things that are not what you are and then when you're asked to let go of it but you believe that that's who you are you're going to be in trouble big trouble so do you want to live a life of attachment of identification or do you want to fly i don't know about

23:29 you i'm gonna fly and these things only bother me and bring me down and bring suffering and comparison and competition and lack and scarcity that's what these things do i don't want to live in this consciousness so in order to not live in this consciousness you have to then challenge yourself moment by moment by moment by moment to enter non-attachment now non-attachment please does not mean you don't get up and clean your plate okay non-attachment doesn't mean you

24:00 don't tell your kid hey hey no more cookies for you non-attachment doesn't mean you you don't get out of a dysfunctional relationship non-attachment only means you realize that the relationship is not your identity that being nice to your kid is not what it's all about sometimes you have to create boundaries you're non-attached to things that give you love and worth you just do what you do then you've got to leave you've got to leave you've got

24:26 to stay you'll stay got to say hey no more cookies you'll save no more cookies you'll do what needs to be done in the present moment non-attachment is not non-action non-attachment is just non-attachment to the external things that you think can give you an identity and get you love and worth non-attachment is not non-action it is tremendous action it's action it's action in on steroids so

24:57 that is why people resist transformation because they don't want to let go their identity so the next time you are in resistance ask yourself what do i not want to let go of and it will be a long list and you'll be in a lot of trouble so every day before you sleep can you please let go every day say this house doesn't belong to me this body doesn't belong to me my children don't belong to me

25:22 my shoes don't belong to me my work doesn't belong to me my title doesn't belong to me i am essentially unidentified with all identifications i am empty of identifications when you understand that you will have a good night's sleep okay guys radical awakening see you in the next book club whenever it shows up in the present moment bye guys