Kids Who Know How To Manage Their Anger Are Taught These Skills

0:00 kids who know how to manage their anger are taught very clear intentional messages about emotions and they're taught the following skills teaching kids how to manage their anger ultimately comes down to helping them understand how to change their mindset so that they can view their emotions in different ways because here's the thing Society is constantly feeding us messages that polarize

0:32 emotions right there's good emotions like happy excited Pride hopeful there's those good emotions and then there's quote unquote bad emotions like anger frustration sadness grief anxiety right we kind of have come to view emotions as good versus bad and these are messages that we have learned from society we have learned these messages from our caregivers our friends our co-workers everybody right and what we have to do as parents is actively and intentionally

1:05 counterbalance those messages cuz your child is going to hear those messages whether we like them or not right their teacher is going to go go up to them and say sh it's okay stop crying other caregivers or family members are going to be like why are you so frustrated you don't need to feel that way our child is going to come across messages that unconsciously send them the cue that anger sadness frustration those are bad those need to be stuffed those need to

1:31 be avoided as intentional parents the intentional parents that we are we are going to counterbalance those messages by being very intentional about teaching our child that emotions are neither good nor bad they are simply Messengers emotions show up in our body and in our mind psychologically to tell us something important it's a call for us to pay attention so that we can better meet our needs essentially so that we can survive in the Environ right it's

2:00 like the flashing lights that go off on your car to check your engine to fill up your gas tank right those messages exist so that our car is not stuck on the side of the road somewhere so that we meet our car's needs so that it continue to function that's essentially what emotions are so kids who know how to manage their anger are taught very clear intentional messages about emotions and they're taught the following skills okay

2:28 number one being they are taught how to emotionally Express themsel now children naturally do this they're naturally so good at expressing themselves they will use play they will use art they will use their body and movement to naturally emote right emotions mean in the Latin word OT emotion it means to get into motion to do right and kids automatically know how to do these things okay so it's not really that we

2:59 to teach them although we can be intentional about teaching them specific coping skills but I think what really helps children is understanding the link between what they're already doing and how that's helping them take care of themselves how that's helping them Express their emotions so when they do artwork when they play when they get dramatic and act out a seed or they run around the house and get silly or play a game or or have a dance party or open up

3:32 about something that is really scary to them or really frustrates them when they open up and talk about those things to somebody they trust they are essentially expressing their emotions in healthy ways so you can help them understand this and then of course get intentional about helping them know themselves and come to understand well what is their personal way that they like to express themselves right and we all have different ways that we prefer to express

4:01 themselves so for me I'm naturally a writer I'm a communicator through words and so I enjoy writing out my feelings writing out my thoughts that really helps me process right other people are different they might prefer to use like another form of art like drawing or painting or maybe it's physical movement or meditation and breathing and silence and Stillness there are so many different ways to express ourselves and so what we want to come to help our

4:33 individual child learn about themselves and this takes time over the years but how do they personally enjoy to express themselves these are things that are developed with time these are things that can come in waves and Seasons right some months your child May really prefer this way of expressing themselves another way it also doesn't have to be either or right we can enjoy a range of ways to express oursel but But ultimately children who know how to

5:01 manage their anger are taught healthy ways how to express their feelings they're not taught to stuff their feelings they're not taught to avoid their feelings they're not taught to sh just be quiet right just quiet down go away right I can't handle you so just get out of here go figure that out in your room somewhere get out of my face they're not sent those messages they're actually sent hey what you're feeling is important to me I want to listen to what

5:25 you're going through thank you for sharing that with me in a healthy way let's further express ourselves you're on the right track here let me help you in expressing yourself in even more ways because here's what I need us to understand is that repressed stuffed down feelings don't really go away they just get stuffed down out of conscious awareness and that makes it more likely for them to erupt like a volcano literally at the next time that they're

5:51 triggered right when they don't get their way when their sibling wants to play with the same toy that they want to play with when they get the red cup and not the blue cup all those moments make it more likely that they're going to erupt with anger and erupt with shouting and Tantrums because just a second ago they weren't allowed to feel frustrated you get where I'm going with this right it's all interconnected so teach your

6:13 child and remember for yourself as a parent that when we stuff our child's feelings They Don't Really ever go away okay number two children who know how to manage their anger are taught how to communicate their feelings their wants and their needs this is not a skill that kids are just born with they have to be taught how to communicate and a lot of us were not taught this okay so we have to learn this alongside our child but I

6:38 need us to understand that when our child starts to use their body to communicate AKA they get aggressive they start hitting they start throwing they start kicking they start biting or whatever they are really just trying to communicate how they feel through their body and so what we have to get intentional about is teaching them how to communicate with with their words and this is so important I want you to remember this because it's not enough to

7:05 just say hey honey use your words tell them you need space or tell them how you feel we have to teach our child phrases like space please I don't like that please give me that back I need attention I'm feeling left out I need a hug I'm hungry right they have to actually intentionally be taught how to communicate with their words and then they also need to be sent very clear signs from us that we take their words

7:36 seriously that we listen when they're talking that they actually get our attention when they use their words and we are committed to helping meet their needs sure not every time can we drop what we're doing nor should we drop what we're doing and meet their needs right then and there but we have to at least acknowledge and encourage their expression when they they use their language hey thanks for letting me know what you need right now I hear you right

8:04 now I'm doing the dishes I'll be right with you though what you just said is so important and I'm so proud of you for using your words right you might not say all of that in one Fell Swoop but we have to also be sending them the message that their words are powerful that their words hold weight that we are listening to them that they are heard and we are going to do whatever we can to help them

8:26 get what they need okay we might have to Pro problem solve we might have to get creative we might have to do a little compromise but essentially we're a team here you're doing your part cuz you're communicating and so I'm going to work and do my best to meet you halfway so we can figure out how to get whatever it is you need met hopefully right in the best way we know possible it's not always possible Right but hopefully more times

8:50 than not we can meet our child's needs especially when they go the extra mile to actually expresss through words and not their body not their negative behaviors number three children who know how to manage their anger are taught how to view their emotions now I touched on this earlier but it's really important to teach children that feelings come and go that they are not essentially their emotions right they are separate from their emotions emotions are messengers

9:21 and they are separate being from their emotions when they are taught messages like this they come to understand and their feelings so that they're not overwhelmed by them they're not consumed by them and so that essentially what you're doing is you're helping them merge their emotional side of their brain and their logical side of their brain right there's two sides to the brain and when we are emotional it's easy to get swept away in our emotions

9:50 and so part of being emotionally intelligent is being able to elicit our thinking brain our logical brain In the Heat of the Moment so that that we can take the information that our emotions are giving us use that information but also use logic use problem solving use planning use all of our higher order thinking to then make the best choice possible right this is all what it comes down to helping our children make the best possible choices that they can In

10:20 the Heat of the Moment so that they don't feel like they have to use their body and they have to be impulsive and get reactive and give very loud and big to be seen they feel like they have to be big to feel heard we have to teach our child through the messages that we send and the coaching that we do and the outlets that we give them and that we encourage them that emotions are neither

10:47 good nor bad they're just Messengers and I am your guide I'm going to come alongside you and help you understand what your emotions are trying to tell you right now I'm going to come alongside you through this process I'm not intimidated by your big often what feels like scary feelings I'm not intimidated by you right I understand you at a deeper level now I just created a comprehensive guide on how to understand our child's emotions from a

11:18 much deeper level so that we're not feeling flustered powerless triggered by their really intense emotions because I feel like this is one of the things that holds us up most if we're being honest as parents is how to handle our child when they're at their worst right when their emotions are really big and loud and intimidating how do we diffuse the situation how do we calm them down make sure you download my free aggression ebook it's going to give you a

11:50 three-step plan on how to calm down your Furious child I go through so many things in the guide but most importantly I go through this psychology of anger I also help you understand that anger is on a Continuum so that you can tailor your approach based on the level of disregulation that your child feels and then ultimately what to do and say In the Heat of the Moment I'm going to give you a three-step plan based on your

12:15 child's level of disregulation there's also bonus printables there's just so much goodness in this freebie and I hope that it's helpful I'm so excited to share this with you guys so all you have to do to download the free ebook is go to the psychologist. ebook to download it for free that is it for this episode I hope that it was helpful let me know if you're struggling right now with your child's really big feelings like anger

12:39 and aggression let me know what other questions you have I'm going to keep talking about this okay so let me know down in the comments if you are watching on YouTube what other questions and concerns are coming up for you right now and that's it for this episode I'll see you in the next one bye [Music]