# The Overachiever Club: Letting go of Perfect **Creator:** Dr. Shefali **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 38m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o ## Summary In this episode of "Parenting and You," Dr. Shafali addresses the challenges faced by working mothers, particularly focusing on a mother named Chris who struggles to maintain a connection with her four children while frequently traveling for work. The discussion emphasizes the emotional complexities of balancing career ambitions with family needs and the importance of self-care for mothers. - Working mothers often face guilt and emotional strain when balancing career and family responsibilities. - Children, especially young ones, have a biological need for their mothers, which can lead to feelings of loss when separated. - It's essential for mothers to be present and engaged when they return home to compensate for time away. - The discussion highlights the unrealistic expectations placed on mothers to "have it all" and the potential for burnout. - Emotional discomfort in children can foster resilience; it's important for them to experience challenges and learn from them. - Family bonding is not dictated by rituals but develops through emotional connections and shared experiences over time. - Mothers should focus on self-care and recognize that perfectionism can lead to fragility rather than strength. - Letting go of rigid expectations about family dynamics can lead to a more fulfilling and organic family experience. ## Transcript [[0:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1s) Hello everyone. Welcome to a new episode of parenting and you with me Dr. Shafali. Are you a parent who wants to be the best, the most, and create this perfect idyllic life of the perfect family and the perfect career? Well, if this sounds like you, then you are going to get so much out of this episode. Coming up next, a mother who wants to know how she can maintain her connection with her four children when she's out of town for work. [[0:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=36s) Joining me now is Chris. She's a mother of four children. She travels a lot for work and wants to know how to maintain her connection with her kids while she is away. Hello, Chris. Welcome. Tell us what's going on. >> Hi, thanks so much for having me. I'm really eager to learn all about how I can kind of navigate this situation with my kids. I can give you a little bit of a background about what I do and why I travel because I think that plays a big part in maintaining a connection with my kids. I own a communications agency, so I'm constantly traveling nationwide and globally. And not just once every quarter, it's really every couple of weeks, sometimes every other week. and my youngest is 2 months and I actually leave for a business trip tomorrow. So, this is perfect timing because it's been kind of weighing on me a lot lately. You know, as a mom, that's my first and really the biggest priority in my life, right? Everything I do is for them. [[1:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=96s) Every single thing I do with my career, as I'm sure you can relate to, is for my kids. And so it's really hard when you're having to also sacrifice time with them in order to, you know, fulfill your dreams, but also the dreams you have for your family. And so I think for me the biggest piece of this puzzle is I love them. My oldest is five. So five, four, two, and two months. And they're young, but they're getting to the age where they're starting to recognize that I'm leaving. How many days do you leave for at a time? [[2:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=131s) >> So, it depends anywhere from three is typically the shortest to about five. I try not to ever go past five or six days or if that's the case, I try to bring them along with me with my husband. So, we really try to accommodate the lifestyle I have because I'm growing a company and, you know, it's really really important to me, but at the same time, I want them to know that they're important to me and that nothing takes precedent over them. So, >> and how many times is it your husband looking after them when you're gone or how many times is it somebody else looking after them when you're gone? [[2:44]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=164s) >> So, my husband really holds down the fort. He's amazing, but he also works. So, we have a livein opair during the day who is such a big part of our support system and then both of our parents live about five minutes away. So, we really have kind of a a big village that's supporting them. my sister's close by with her kids and so they do have a lot of kind of connection with family when I'm gone and that is extremely helpful but it's always kind of like the where is mommy show. So and there's not a lot of resources for working women who are really the primary caregiver but also the primary bread winner to figure out how to navigate that role in their family. [[3:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=206s) >> Yeah. Well, I really empathize with you. I feel you. Do I understand the push and pull, the conflict? It's really hard to have a child 2 months old. It's really hard for them to understand that mommy needs to go. They don't understand. Even the 5-year-old may not understand and they do need a kind of maternal consistent caregiver, preferably the mother. So, all I can say is, you know, you're going to have to work through your difficult feelings because they are not going to understand. They are going to miss you. They are going to pull at your heartstrings. The two-month-old and the two-year-old actually are missing your function like the function of the mother. It's not about missing you necessarily as in like, oh, I wish my mother was there at my gymnastics game. [[4:15]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=255s) They're actually missing a function, a biological need to be near their mother. They need your body. They need your voice. Now it could be your your mother or a very consistent loving caregiver who is going to be with them for a long time but they need that figure. It's a function that children need to have fulfilled developmentally, psychologically, biologically. So not having that especially for the two-month-old or the 2-year-old is going to create a compensation in their psychology whether you like it or not. [[4:52]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=292s) Now, how they compensate, we yet to see. They could compensate amazingly or they could really be missing that. I'm not going to lie to you. It is something that they need that they're not getting. Now, it could be again your mother can give it, an auntie can give it. I don't know about the Opair. You know, she is after all a hired help. So, if she's amazing and is going to be there for the next 5 years, maybe she's perfect. So now given that I don't want you to feel extra burdened. What can we do? Well, we can make up for it through your partner. [[5:26]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=326s) Your partner can be very consistent and very available. But two-month-old and 2-year-olds need a mother, okay? A mother figure, okay? I'm just saying. So if your husband can fill in, I'm saying that's okay. So you can be very consistent with your husband filling in and they can have that surrogacy. Number two, when you come back, you can be super turned on, supercharged, super present, and then really lean on your community. These are the only ways you can compensate. It will be a compensation. It will not be a replacement. So, I I'm not trying to make you more guilty. I'm just saying it like it is. [[6:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=362s) >> No, it's appreciated because it is true. And I think being able to be present when I'm back home is an piece of this puzzle because >> as you know it's when you live a busy lifestyle sometimes the phone is ringing and you're answering email. >> Yes. And working mothers have such a burden especially if you are the financial primary contributor. So you know you are carrying a lot on your body. Also, your super achievement has made you have four children. Like, you couldn't just stop at two, even three. [[6:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=397s) You're like, "No, let's have a real team here." So, this is part of your nature. >> Yeah. >> You're very driven. You're very, you know, competent and you're very loving. So, I feel for you. You want it all. But guess what? We cannot have it all. So, I I'm here as woman towoman, also a successful entrepreneur, here to tell you, you're going to have to make choices and they're going to be hard choices. And number three, they're going to be consequences for your choices. [[7:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=427s) I've had to pay them. You're going to have to pay them. I'm just talking to you like an equal. I'm here to tell you, I'm not here to lie to you and tell you, "Oh, it's okay. You can have it all." No, this is hard. Your children are going to face consequences and you're going to face consequences because what you're doing is supernatural. You are trying to go into the orbit of a god-like figure to have four children and a super successful company and just be one person. Now you're thinking you're God. You're not God. You are going to collapse. You're going to be exhausted. Your children are going to feel it. Your marriage is going to have consequences because we were not designed to do it all. We were designed to either have the children and be in a community >> and a little bit of work outside the home, but this kind of work that you're trying to do, be the CEO of a very successful company and build a business and four children. I have one child. [[7:59]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=479s) Okay? See how I compensated? I gave up having more children, right? Because something has to give. >> Yeah. So, I'm begging you to please take it very easy on yourself because you are trying to do too much. In five or 10 years, you may burn out. So, I'm just here to wake you up and remind you, you are just one person who's trying to do too much. And and bravo to you. You are capable. I am not capable. I was not barely capable with one child. So, you're trying to do so much. Please be easy with yourself and please, you know, maybe let go of something. And let me tell the listeners, it is early in the morning. It's not even 8:00 and this woman is looking like a supermodel. [[8:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=526s) Okay? She's got jewelry on. She looks impeccable. So, this is the syndrome of a very perfectionistic, highly competent, super amazing, super empathic woman. Let me tell you, the burnout rate for women like you is at an all-time high. Yeah, I'm sure it is. Like you see the track, right? You can kind of feel it happening. And I have a girl, boy, girl, boy. And my kids, I want them to see that you can build the life you want and yet at what cost, right? And I think that's the biggest thing. Like everything you're saying is really resonating with me. I'm like, "Oh, I'm going to cry." But it's And also, I'm still hormonal cuz I'm nursing and I'm like, you know, you have to pack up the milk and make sure it's frozen. Okay, I have this much. [[9:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=571s) >> Oh my goodness. and you're bringing the cooler and I leave for a business trip tomorrow and that kicks off like five backtoback business trips. We have like a Disney trip planned in between that. So, I'm trying to like build my life around it. But, you're right. I think it's such a series of these tradeoffs. And I never want to trade off my kids feelings. I never want to trade off what they become because of something that maybe I didn't recognize. I want to be really cognizant about it now because to your point, I chose to have four kids, right? Like I wanted this big family and yet I love my business. I love my agency. I love my clients and that feels like another child for me. And so I don't want to give up either thing. And I think I'm just learning how to maybe like turn down the volume on one in one moment, turn up the volume on the other, and then switch when it needs to. And and that's just it's so hard cuz I like I want to be everywhere and everything to everyone. [[10:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=632s) >> I know. And and the person you will sacrifice the most is yourself. >> Yeah. >> So in all of this, we cannot forget that you exist. And you need to be 10 children to yourself first. And if your cylinders are on empty, none of this is going to work. And I'm just here to tell you that the days you feel tired, the days you feel guilty, the days you feel frustrated, exhausted, there's a reason for it. You're not doing good enough, it's because you're doing too much. So just remember that the next time you're falling apart or you allow yourself to fall apart or life makes you fall apart. [[11:10]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=670s) You know, Dr. Shivali said, "It's not because of me not doing enough. It's because I really took on too much and now where can I, you know, pair down? Where can I ease off? The the moment is going to come. It's just too early because you're just too competent. Another person would have had a breakdown already. You see, you are your own worst enemy in a way because you are so competent. You can keep doing things, but there will be a cost. And the cost will really be to your own physical and mental well-being. So, when that time comes, and it may be a good thing that it comes, not a bad thing because we want you to relax. We want you to not do so much that you will be easy on yourself, not hard, not feel worse, not feel shame or guilt and go, you know what? I've reached my tipping point and it was bound to happen and now I need to be kind to myself. I know someone like you will look at it as a failure and I'm just here to you know buffer that and remind you what you're doing even to tomorrow to leave by freezing or you know uh refrigerating your breast milk and taking care of three other children and then going for a 5day business trip and then a Disney trip in between is on the level of crazy insanity. Okay, I'm just trying to be kind to you. I know >> what are you doing? What kind of life are you trying to live? This is only because you're super competent, but your body and your mind can only hold so much. So with the loving embrace of a sister, I'm here to tell you like you are doing too much. Like you want to be the mostest and the greatest and there's a delusion there. There's a little bit of a godlike superiority there. [[12:50]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=770s) Fantastic. You are amazing. You really are. But it's just unhuman to do so much. You know, it's not in our human capacity to do it all well. So, when you fall apart, you'll know why. It's not because you're not amazing or your children are failures. It's because you just put too much on your plate. So, kudos to you. I would encourage you to reexamine your life a little bit and understand it's not so much that you want to do it all. It's because your personality wants it all. You know, wanting to do it all is a human personality. But your particular personality and your ego mask in the world is to grab at everything and that is also a compensation. [[13:30]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=810s) >> Yeah. >> Against being ordinary like you want to be super extraordinary. Being ordinary is a thing for you and it's a pain point for you from your childhood. >> Yeah. It's definitely a generational. It's I'm like I'm working I'm starting to crack the surface of why and I'm I'm starting to realize it's definitely I'm an older sister, you know, of four kids. >> Oh, there you go. >> There is like this deeper work. And I'm so lucky to have, you know, my life partner, my husband, who's amazing and he encourages me and he's like he's there for me and he's like always cheering me on, but also I feel I'm like I'm leaving him with the kids and he's having to kind of connect all the pieces for them when I'm not there. That's really hard as a parent, too, to be kind of by yourself. And there's seasons where I'm busier and seasons where I'm a little bit slower. It depends on the media and all the things that are happening, but at the end of the day, I want him to also feel supported, right? [[14:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=869s) And I want to build this lifestyle and this future with all of them in mind and not with them behind, you know? >> Yeah, I love that. I think you're, you know, your heart and mind, you're so wise, you're so smart, you're so loving. I just think you're living a little bit of a pattern of overcompensating to make sure you're never ordinary or average. And you need to one day realize that you're just fine even if you're ordinary. So just keep that in mind. [[14:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=897s) You're too young for this wisdom right now. It will hit you later. But watch this again, you know, and be easy on yourself because you are a very special superstar. But you are going to burn out at some point which will be a good thing for someone like you because >> hopefully you'll give yourself a few seasons of just ordinary you know stillness and being which you've not done for years you know. >> I see I have on my vision board a picture of me with the kids on the beach and that's just like something that plays in my head like a movie. I'm like I think I'm on this beach for a couple of weeks with them really looking at my phone, you know? It's like I just I see it in the future wonderful and I know it's important to me like I I feel that like my heart tugging at that. So it's like now I just have to build a way to get there and and stop like running the rat race all the time. [[15:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=947s) >> Yes. >> It's hard, you know, you juggle kind of passion and family. Yeah. And it's okay to have passion and family. It's to the degree and you are the mostest and the bestest and the extra. So maybe you can just, you know, dim it down eventually. Your body will do it for you. Don't worry. This is also the folly of youth. So, old age just brings it on. So, I think you're amazing and you're going to be just fine. Thank you for being here. [[16:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=971s) >> Well, thank you so much. I I appreciate you and your time and I value your expertise so much and you're absolutely right and I'm going to rewatch this in all the my times of need where I need to slow down. Thank you so much. Wow, that was some story, wasn't it? I mean, I just felt for Chris. I feel for all working mothers because there is a price we have to pay. You know we mothers of many children especially were not designed to also take on very busy you know high achieving highly stressful corporate jobs. Right? So this is not how we used to live in our ancestral tribes. life was much simpler and now we've kind of over complicated things and there is a price to pay and the greatest price as I told Chris is that she will have to sacrifice her own well-being right we cannot forget ourselves and our own mental you know strength our own mental capacities our own physical rest and well-being in all of this and eventually we will burn out because there's only so much we can do so I just send a huge big compassion passate heart to all working mothers who feel the guilt, who feel the burden, who want to keep up with their passions that it's not easy. You heard me with Chris. [[17:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1049s) I I was speechless in the first few minutes because what can I say? It is hard. There is a struggle and it's not an easy fix. All I will remind working mothers is that it's important for our children to have restful, you know, present, easygoing, you know, non- anxious mothers around. It's important for our children to have that. They did not ask for us to be super achieving and super successful. They just want us to be present for them, especially in their early years. [[18:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1082s) And if they don't get that, they will compensate in some way. They may do it beautifully or they may not, but there will be a compensation. So, just to be mindful of that as a working mother. And just be easy and compassionate with yourself if you do burn out because it wouldn't be because you're not doing enough. It would be because you're doing too much. Coming up next, a mother who wants help with her blended family of eight kids. [[18:32]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1112s) We're now going to meet Christina, a mother of a blended family of eight children. She wants help making the kids one cohesive family unit. Hi, Christina. You have your hands full. >> Yes, I do. And I'm I'm very grateful that they're very full. >> Awesome. So, what's the issue? So, I'm wondering if I can get your insights on what a healthy cohesive family looks like, especially in a family that's blended and what that looks like, that healthy emotional bonding. [[19:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1144s) >> Mhm. How long have you guys been together in this kind of way? >> So, I was married for 14 years and I had six children and then was single for a short period and then got remarried. And so I've been remarried for about almost 5 years. >> Wow. >> And we've introduced two more children, making the brood of children to be eight. The oldest has now gone off to write his own life story, but we have seven children living in our house from age 18 all the way down to almost two. [[19:40]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1180s) >> Okay. Awesome. So the positive thing here is that they are all your biological children. So that makes things a lot easier. >> But the thing that could be a challenge is for the first group and the second group to kind of bond. >> Yes. >> And the partner to bond. >> Yes. Exactly. The only way that I can describe it is sometimes I feel like I belong to like these two different worlds. So I have like my family and the culture that we kind of built together for that first like 14 years and then this like new family and this new culture with different styles of parenting and a different culture, you know, that we're trying to build together. [[20:20]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1220s) >> And do the older kids resent that or have a problem with the new culture? >> No, I think there's just an adjustment there. And there's also just a little complication with the sixth oldest have their biological father. So the four oldest of those six don't do not have a relationship with their biological father, but the two youngest of those first six do. So there's like this group, then that group, and then the new two I'm introducing. So, I'm just trying to to gain your insights on how do I as a mother of all these children belonging to all these different worlds bring it in together to be one cohesive family, that emotional bonding that has happened between all of my children, but how do I have that family bonding as we're building this new reality together? [[21:14]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1274s) Yeah, I think you know you're doing a great job obviously and this idea of family may be just in your head because I think you're already a family. >> Yeah. >> What is family? Who can define what that really is? >> Yes. >> It's something that you cannot dictate to your children. It's something that you cannot implant in your children. It's not something that you can sustain beyond your own life. they are going to figure this out based on their temperament, their connections, their life situations. So, I would let go of thinking of a big macro unit. And I don't even know how you're up here this early in the morning with me with eight children dependent on you, at least seven. Obviously, you're doing a great job. You need to just focus on meeting the emotional needs to the best ability you can and you being present as best as you can and of course creating some universal structures like annual vacation, annual Thanksgiving, you know, some weekly dinners, >> right? [[22:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1338s) >> I wouldn't push the together together too much because you will go crazy. >> Yes. >> So you let it flow. You know, family is something that is energetically experienced as a sense. It isn't created by the rituals. Rituals help, but it's more created by the bonding that develops over time. What is the source of that connection like what is I look for throughout my day. I'm very intentional on looking for those moments of connection. So, I try to enter into and be present that this person just walked in the room and I'm probably not going to see that person because they're going off to work. So, I want to be intentional about being present to that person and having this connective moment. But is that enough to sustain that relationship those just looking for those connective moments? [[23:12]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1392s) >> I mean, the fact that you're even looking for connection and those moments is just a testament to your consciousness. That is the first step. look for it, capitalize on it, build on it, be present for it, take it, embrace it. Whether it'll be sustainable or will last, you know, even beyond them being outside your house is yet to be seen. I wouldn't worry about that. I wouldn't worry about sustainability. I wouldn't worry about a family unit. I would worry about am I showing up to the best ability I can and creating some opportunities for togetherness the best ability I can. That is all you can do. [[23:51]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1431s) Are you available? Are you creating safe spaces? Are you being and just being easygoing and present and receiving of their energy? If you are doing that, that's all you can do. Don't over complicate it and try to make sure that they have a sense of connection with each other. >> But I'm really good at over complicating things. >> I can see I can see you seem to thrive on over complication. >> Yes. >> But you can manage it because you're so competent and you're so aware and you're so empathic. You're a superstar. But the thing again I will just remind you and all women who take on too much is that you need to take care of you. Yeah. [[24:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1471s) >> Where are you in all of this? And are you feeding yourself? And are you allowing yourself to be average and ordinary? And are you connecting with yourself? >> Yes. >> Are you resting? I just can't even imagine somebody taking care of eight children. How do you even keep their names in your mind? Right. So, >> I do I'm very intentional on my self-care. I had to learn that the hard way. I have a rhythm to my week, a rhythm to my day where I'm feeding myself spiritually, physically, emotionally, so that I have something to give. And when I feel like I'm at that deficit, I do take that time away. I get in the car, I drive away for two hours, and I just sit there and I just spend that time connecting with myself so that when I come back, I can have something to give. I can be present and be able to seek that connection and like you said, capitalize on it. But I love what you said earlier, going back to what you said earlier about the letting go because that is what I feel like I have a death rippled on is that I have this picture of what this Norman Rockwell painting of what family is supposed to be and I'm like I'm going to make this happen. I'm going to move heaven and earth to orchestrated it that I don't need to. And I love how you said that, that reminder of just letting go and letting it just unfold in front of me and kind of stepping back and just witnessing the beauty and the miracle of what is being built right before my eyes, which, you know, makes me want to, you know, cry cuz it's just so beautiful. It's so breathtaking sometimes to see how something that was so broken could be restored to something new, a new reality. [[26:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1573s) >> Isn't that amazing? It's amazing. It It just blows my mind because I never thought when I was in like the throws of my divorce. I was at that so low of loss and grief and pain and agony that this today could be my reality to have a faithful, loving partner and to have blessed with two more children, to be able to have all these eight children. It was really beautiful because at one of my birthday dinners, my oldest son of, you know, he's 19 now, my oldest son of all these eight kids, we always go around on our birthdays and say what we love about the person. Even the persons whose birthday it is, they have to say something they love about themselves, too. And he said, I love that you keep us together. [[27:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1621s) >> It's like I felt like in a in a sense in that moment, I was blown away by that. And I had to take some time and space around that to thank the mother, just the beauty of the mother that kept all these kids together during all this turmoil. But then I released them and let them go, you know. And I hope that the seeds that I planted in their lives and in their hearts of that value and the ways that they come back together and the bonds that they have with each other that I played a part in that and it's very humbling. [[27:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1654s) >> Yeah. Well, you are just so wise. You're teaching us all right now and you are so on point that this vision is what traps us. You are actually living even better than that painting. You are actually a testament and an emblem of what goes behind that painting, not just how it looks on the surface. And the fact that you have stayed together despite the earthquakes and the tremors of your life is actually a proof of what you think you need to create. You already have it. [[28:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1691s) >> Yes, it's ready for my face. >> But you're trying to piece it all together so it can be in a static painting that you can put up in a in a museum, but it's actually happening in all these dynamic little moments. And and I just want to remind you that even though it could fall apart between sibling number three and seven or between five and two in a moment, it doesn't mean that the painting is shattered. That is the nature of life. [[28:39]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1719s) It es and flows and has crescendos and depths and abysses and crevices, but it doesn't mean it all is to not. Right? So even if you were married before and you had 14 years of one way, doesn't mean all of that was a failure. Everything was building on everything else and and we don't see life in the big picture. You know, we just get stuck in this fantasy and we want it framed and we want it to stay like that. Life is not like that. Life is infinite moments, hidden, invisible. We don't know the effects of what's happening. We may be dead. So, don't cling on to what it will look like or what it should look like. [[29:20]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1760s) But actually allowing, like you said, the magic to unfold. It is magical because it's so invisible and mysterious. We cannot dictate to our children how they should feel about each other or how they should look at family. All we can control and you know this better than anyone is how you show up and you are doing that. So let go. If only two children want to come back for Thanksgiving and eight of them and the rest of them never show up as a unit of eight, that's okay. [[29:50]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1790s) >> Yes. So, I know you're going to be disappointed if something like that happens, but that doesn't mean that it wasn't a beautiful family because family is multi-interpretive and subject to infinite nuance and our rigidity will make us feel like failures. It's your rigidity that's causing all these questions because you think it should look like that painting, but it actually is already happening in front of your eyes. I think what I cling on to is just that >> I want it to be good all the time. [[30:23]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1823s) >> And so what I'm learning is that rupture and that repair, you know, that that life is part of that, those ruptures that happen within family. And then the beauty and the miracle that happens in the repair, but it's that rupture. I grew up in an alcoholic home and so I I come with, you know, I bring that into the fold. And so those ruptures, you know, bring me back to that little childhood state where I'm like, you know, oh no. And it it feels so big and loud and and overwhelming. [[30:57]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1857s) >> It does. It does. >> But in that repair, I'm learning that, you know, relationships aren't always good all the time. >> Yes. with my children, with whatever relationship it is, but working towards that repair, that is the work that builds on the relationship to make it more deep and abiding. But in that space, in that rupture, that's where I can get lost a little. >> We all can. We all can. So, when the earth ruptures and there's a crevice, we think it's going to swallow us in the abyss. [[31:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1893s) >> Yes. But we need to develop the awareness that ruptures actually allow us the resilience and the grit to find an even higher mountain to be able to ascend. >> Yes. >> If we didn't have ruptures in life, we would be so fragile. We would be incapable. Right? So go back to how our ancestors lived for 250,000 years before the industrial revolution, before the agricultural revolution. They had ruptures every day. They couldn't find water. They couldn't find game. They find berries. They lived in the elements. There was rupture, rupture, rupture, rupture, rupture. But they became more resilient. And they conquered so many fears every single day. So if they could live with the bare minimum, right? Your children living with all this material abundance will become fragile if they don't have some emotional discomfort. Right? So emotional discomfort especially in the modern world is necessary for our children. [[32:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1954s) >> And we think because of our traumas that perfection is what will create resilience. Perfection creates fragility. We should create artificial ruptures if our children don't have them because they will not learn how to wait, how to be patient, how to tolerate boredom, how to be uncomfortable. >> It's so hard though to stand in that space of allowing like as a mother, right? because you're so protective of your children. It's so hard to stand in that space of watching your children be uncomfortable. [[33:06]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=1986s) >> Yes. >> But I've learned that >> standing in my own discomfort and staying in that space has allowed me that that ability to tolerate it when I have to let go. >> Yes. >> And allow them to feel the discomfort of life. >> Yes. >> To feel the pain of it. >> Yes. and and guide and be there and be empathetic, but allow that process to be worked out in their life because it's bringing them to a new and profound reality. Yes. [[33:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=2016s) >> I love that resilience that you pointed out, that grit, that resilience that we do need. But I think my original mindset when I went into motherhood and operated out of that for many many years was that I need to protect these children and create this utopia, you know, this like Truman Show reality that my kids, you know, wake up and, you know, they're in this beautiful reality of life is always good and there's no pain and and I created that reality for them for many, many, many years until that huge rupture happened in their lives and there was this chasm them this divide, >> right? [[34:13]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=2053s) >> And they built a lot of resilience. So they're the people that their friends go to when they're going through hardship. >> Exactly. >> Because they needed to the other side of pain. >> Exactly. >> It's hard for mothers, you know. It's >> Yes. And you know, the other day I asked my daughter what did she learn from my divorce and she said, "I learned resilience and built my character." So ask your children what they've learned from this and maybe that'll ease you that you'll be like, "Oh my goodness, they are an encyclopedia, a treasure of so much valuable power now because of the hardship." [[34:49]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=2089s) >> Yes. >> And it is pain that brings power. And you have to just remember that without pain, we don't have a chance to test ourselves and we don't grow. We don't cross over the abyss of comfort. And on the other side of comfort is growth. Yes, >> that's what you've exposed your children to in a very loving way. So, you're brilliant. You're wise. You've gotten it all. You're just too hard on yourself. You put too much on your plate. So, let go. Letting go is your mantra. And you're doing a beautiful job. Thank you so much for joining us. [[35:22]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=2122s) >> Thank you, Dr. Shioali. >> Wow. What an incredibly wise, brave, courageous woman. I'm sure all of you listening learned so much from her and the first mother. I sure did. But here is the word of caution I want to throw out there because I myself am a mother who wants to do the most and be the most to everyone around her. Let's not forget that sometimes our urge, our desire, our drive to do so much for our children, that drive may be emerging from our own pain, from our own need to compensate for our fear that we will be nothing if we are just ordinary. You know, I've seen this in so many super competent, super powerful people that they compensate against this fear of being nothing. Like, who will I be if I'm just still? Who will I be if things fall apart? Who will I be if I don't hold it all together? Who will I be if I'm just alone with myself in a very ordinary way? So, because we're afraid of that, we overcompensate. We may overcompensate by exercising too much or by getting five degrees or taking course after course or having child after child or business after business. At some point we need to look at ourselves in the mirror and go what am I running away from? Can I just be ordinary? Can I let go of trying to create this perfect image of the perfect life? And we will realize that in the stillness of our ordinariness is a fullness that we can rest easy in. If you are someone listening who is longing for more wisdom like what I give on this podcast, who is longing to be part of a community of people like me? Well, then check out my conscious community. I created this community very intentionally to be a safe sanctuary for people who wanted to grow, who wanted more consciousness in their lives, who wanted more stillness. [[37:38]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=2258s) I have groups for parents of teenagers, of toddlers. I have a group for single mothers. I have a group for women going through a divorce and for partners who are in difficult relationships. I have support circles for all kinds of people. So if you're someone who is looking for such support then check out my conscious community. It is called the conscious circle. I hope I see you there. Thank you so much for listening to this episode and I will see you on the next episode of parenting and you with me Dr. [[38:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qP89XZEV6-o&t=2291s) Shafali. Parenting and you with Dr. Shafali is for educational andformational purposes only. It is not intended as a substitute for professional medical, psychological, psychotherrapeutic, coaching, health care, or other qualified professional advice, diagnosis, or treatment.