Animal in the mirror: How smart leaders can tame self-sabotage | Alina Doran | TEDxSugar Creek Women

0:06 [applause] >> In the animal kingdom, every creature has a survival strategy. The peacock spreads its feathers not to be beautiful, to matter, to be seen. The porcupine raises its quills not to attack, to warn, "Stay back." The turtle disappears into its shell because sometimes disappearing feels like the only safe option.

0:39 We look at these animals and we think, "Fascinating. Instinctive." We never think, "I do that." But we do. We think we know how we show up, how others experience us, but we often don't. We cannot see what we cannot see. In fact, according to Harvard Business Review, 95% of us believe we're self-aware, but just 10 to 15% actually are. After 25 years of working with thousands of leaders inside some of the most high-performing organizations in the world, I mapped five patterns represented by five animal archetypes that show up when smart, talented people feel threatened at work.

1:27 What derails careers, kills innovation, pushes the best people out, it's not strategy and it's not process. It's people protecting something. And when that protection runs on autopilot, when we can't see it, it becomes self-sabotage. But when we can calibrate it through reflection, through self-regulation, we become powerful and effective in our careers and in our private lives.

1:59 So, let's meet the animals. The peacock. If you've ever been in a meeting where someone speaks the most, but delivers the least value, >> [laughter] >> takes credit for your work, and exaggerates their accomplishments, then you have met the peacock. The peacock protects its value through visibility. Now, here's the thing. We need peacocks in our world. Calibrated peacocks are magnetic.

2:32 They galvanize teams. They make big ideas feel possible. In sales, they'll close deals. Send them to pitch investors, checks will be written. But, peacocks who feel threatened or unaware of their own peacockishness, they're exhausting. They think that they're securing their position, but they're actually pushing everyone away and breaking trust. No one wants to work with someone who steals their thunder. The porcupine.

3:02 You know when you're sharing an idea with someone and you're talking to them and you can just tell, like they're not really listening to you? They're here in body, not in spirit. Like waiting for you to finish talking so they can get back to doing exactly what they were doing? Yeah, that's the porcupine. The porcupine protects itself through resistance with its prickly needles by shooting down anything new. That's not how we do things here. That's not going to work.

3:30 Now, here's the thing. We need porcupines in our world, too. Calibrated porcupines are our quality control. They ask the right questions. They protect us from our own enthusiasm. But, porcupines who feel threatened or unaware of their own pricklishness, they become known as the bottleneck, the one others have learned to work around, not with. And the next time the big thing in the company is happening, they will not be invited into the room where decisions are made.

4:08 The turtle. If you've ever stopped yourself from asking a question in a meeting thinking, "Who am I to ask that question?" Or if you've ever thought to yourself, "Who am I to raise my hand for that job?" If you've ever said yes to a work request when you really wanted to say no, no. If everyone else's needs are more important than yours, then you, my friends, might have been a turtle. The turtle protects itself by staying small. If it just keeps its head down and works really, really hard, then it will all work out.

4:47 And so those brilliant ideas, they stay hiding. And you know what happens? Someone else, maybe the peacock comes by, takes their idea, presents it, and gets promoted. Now, here's the thing. We need turtles in our world, too. Turtles who are calibrated are wonderful. Turtles who are calibrated are analytical and steady. They let others shine. That's the one that says, "You did all the work. You go present. I want them to see you."

5:23 The turtle is the one actually getting things done when everyone else is panicking or performing. But turtles who feel threatened or unaware of their own shell, they disappear. Their silence is self-erasure. They get passed over because no one sees their potential. They protect themselves right out of opportunities. The honeybee.

5:54 Do you think I want to work for the weekend? >> [laughter] >> I have to. No one knows how to do this like I do. Or Listen, I'd love to delegate this work. I can't. This I'm telling you this place would fall apart without me. >> [laughter] >> That's the honeybee, the martyr. The honeybee protects itself through being needed because who are they when they aren't needed? Now, we need honeybees in our world, too.

6:29 Calibrated honeybees are your backbone. They're steady, they're reliable. They care deeply about the people and the work, and they make sure that nothing falls through the cracks. But honeybees who feel threatened or don't know when to stop, they're burning out, resenting everyone around them. Their teams can't grow because they won't let them. And that resentment, it's spilling onto all their colleagues who are then taking it home to the rest of their lives.

7:05 The cheetah. The cheetah protects itself through speed by reacting instantly, often before its brain catches up to its mouth. >> [laughter] >> Fires off emails in the heat of the moment. Reacts while emotionally flooded. Someone attacks them in a meeting, pounce. Something goes wrong, attack. Now, do we need cheetahs in our world? Yes, yes, we absolutely do. Calibrated cheetahs are decisive and bold.

7:37 They trust their instincts and move through uncertainty, through not having all the answers, in the right context, their speed and decisiveness are a huge competitive advantage. But, when cheetahs feel threatened, or don't know that they're sprinting, they sprint right into a career ceiling. Executives view them as way too risky to promote them. To size they're going to go. Who knows what they're going to say in the board meeting? What if they lose it in front of the investors?

8:10 The cheetahs, they sabotage themselves by cheetahing all over their careers. >> [laughter] >> Now, here's the thing. When something we hold dear feels at risk, we protect it. And that protection can become poison. Very expensive poison. Nearly two trillion dollars each year. That's Gallup's estimate for how much disengagement alone costs just the US economy.

8:46 And MIT Sloan found that toxic culture is 10 times more powerful than pay at driving people out the door. Not 10%, 10 times more powerful. But, that's just money. Behind those dollars, that's you. Too numb and depleted to be present at dinner. That's your body breaking down as you tell yourself, "It's just stress."

9:17 That's your relationship slowly eroding as you answer one more email at midnight. When we suffer, we shrink. We become the contracted, hollowed version of ourselves. And what's left of us then for the people we love, for the work we care about, for for the life we meant to build. When people are looking in the mirror, they don't see an animal. They see a human being doing their best, trying, surviving, just like you.

9:52 Just like me. I've been every one of these animals. I've honey bee'd. I've turtled. And well, I've peacocked. And the honey bee thing, I honey bee'd myself into a hospital bed. Yeah. And the day that I got curious about what I was protecting, life shifted. All that energy I'd been burning on survival, I got to reallocate it to my best work, to the people I love, to being present and awake to my own life.

10:38 So, here's what I want to leave you with today. The next time you feel that familiar instinct inside you rising, whether it's to attack or to hide, or to pounce, or to be the martyr, notice it. And ask yourself one question. What am I protecting right now? This isn't someday work.

11:09 The life you want is not waiting for you to be ready. And neither is that job opportunity, or that relationship, or your health. They're not waiting. You, too, are the animal in the mirror, and you have agency. You get to choose survival or living. Thank you. >> Yeah! >> [cheering and applause] [applause]