My 6-Year-Old's SHOCKING Response When Another Kid Attacked Her (Positive Parenting WORKS!)

0:00 (Transcribed by UniScribe (https://www.uniscribe.co). Upgrade to remove this message.) There was an incident at school, your child is hurt. There was another child who pulled your child's hair badly and a lot of hair got pulled out. This is exactly what happened with me and let me tell you my heart sank but she didn't even mention it. She went straight to her room, she started playing. And then she just went back to playing. There were no tears. There was no, "I never want to go back to school." Or there was not, "You call her mama and talk to her." She was regulated. And I sat there thinking, "How on earth is she so calm today?" This is not about my daughter being special. This is about how we've been parenting her, emotional coaching her, And I really want to break down what happened in her brain. I want to break down what she could have done. And I want to talk about why positive parenting actually builds the kind of resilience that shows up in hard moments and everyday moments like these. Hi everyone. I'm going to talk about something that happened just last week. Imagine getting a call from school and they're telling you that there was an incident at school, your child is hurt, There was another child who pulled your child's hair badly and a lot of hair got pulled out. This is exactly what happened with me and let me tell you my heart sank. I immediately thought you know that's so sad for Aayush, she's going to be traumatized. And then when she came home, I had this whole thing planned for her if I'm going to discuss it and all of that but she didn't even mention it. She went straight to her room, she started playing. And then I had to ask her that sweetheart are you okay? Like the teacher told me what happened.

1:34 She looked up at me, she was completely calm and she said, "Oh yeah, this girl pulled my hair at school, I told her to stop and then I went to the teacher with all the hair and then the teacher helped." And then she just went back to playing, there were no tears, there was no trauma per se, there was no, "I never want to go back to school" or there was not, "You call her mama and talk to her." She was regulated and I sat there thinking, "How on earth is she so calm today?"

2:02 And why this matters and why I'm sharing this with you is because this is not about my daughter being special. This is about how we've been parenting her, emotional coaching her and I really want to break down what happened in her brain. I want to break down what she could have done. And I want to talk about why positive parenting actually builds the kind of resilience that shows up in hard moments and everyday moments like these. Okay, so stay with me. I am Ankita Baggi Chandak, a Montessori expert, a positive parenting and neuroscience coach. This channel is where we simplify parenting by using science-backed strategies that you can apply every single day in your daily lives with your children.

2:48 And if you are a parent who wants to raise a child who can handle hard moments without falling apart, without lashing out, who can be resilient because this world is not going to just give everything in a platter for our children, then this video is for you. So here's the full picture alright. My daughter was standing in line at school, she was waiting to go into the classroom. Behind her was a younger girl, she was maybe 4 or 5 years old and my daughter has mentioned her before multiple times okay. So this girl has been struggling, poor baby. She's been pulling hair, pushing people, grabbing materials at school and my daughter had told me that I don't know why she doesn't ask for things nicely but she doesn't you know.

3:32 they were standing in line. Suddenly, this girl reaches up and pulls my daughter's hair badly. Okay, it was hard. In that split second, I think my daughter had to make a choice, her brain had to make a choice. And what she did next is what the whole video is about because she had three options, three automatic responses that every human being has and it's our default when we get threatened, fight, flight or freeze. Now let me explain what each of these would have looked like. When something painful or threatening happens, like getting your daughter's hair pulled, your brain's amygdala fires immediately. The amygdala is your alarm system, you know, it detects danger. It activates one of the three response systems, the survival responses that we have, fight, flight or freeze. Now, what is fight? Fight is aggression, you know, when you're ready to defend yourself, you're ready to fight. If my daughter had gone into fight mode, she would have pushed the girl and hit her back, yelled at her, escalated the situation. Alright, now here's the thing, fight really feels justified in the moment because your body gets pumped up with all the hormones, right? She hurt me, I'm gonna hurt her back. But here's what the research clearly shows. Children who go back to, you know, fight responses by default, they have a higher rate of disciplinary issues. They struggle with emotional regulation long term.

5:01 They often get into trouble when they were the ones initially harmed. Because adults don't see why the child reacted. They don't see the trigger. They just see that these two people are fighting. Now flight is avoidance, it's escape. If my daughter had gone into flight mode, she would have run away, hidden, avoided the girl forever, maybe refused to go to school. And flight mode teaches the brain, I am not safe, I need to escape. And here's what happens over time. Children who default to flight, they develop anxiety around social situations. They could struggle for standing up for themselves because they just like to run away. And their message that they are internalizing is, I can't handle things. And the last is freeze, which is shutdown, collapse.

5:52 if my daughter had gone into freeze mode she would have gone silent she would have cried but maybe unable to even express what she was going through maybe felt helpless she might definitely have needed an adult to rescue her in that moment when the hair pulling was happening because freeze mode is telling the brain I have no power here I am helpless so children who default to freeze have higher rates of victimization, they struggle to advocate for themselves and then they carry the emotional weight, they get traumatized after the event. So now there were three options that she had, fight, flight, freeze. Three automatic survival based responses which are controlled by the amygdala, the primitive fear based part of the brain. But my daughter didn't do any of these. She accessed a fourth option.

6:43 So what's the fourth option? What did she actually do? You know, so here's what she did. You know, in the line, the hair pulling has happened. She turned around, she looked at the girl and very calmly but in a loud and stern voice, she said, stop it. That hurt. Don't do that again. And then she took all the strands of her hair back and then she walked away straight to the teacher and she said, you know, ma'am, my hair got pulled. This and so and so child pulled my hair. I need help.

7:12 and then the teacher handled it and my daughter went on with her day, she came back home and then she never mentioned it to me, right? So now what just happened there, you know? So my daughter stayed in her prefrontal cortex. What is prefrontal cortex? It's the decision-making part of our brain, you know, which can be accessed when we are calm. So now, It is the part that allows us to assess situations, choose a response, communicate clearly and problem solve. But here's the critical thing about this prefrontal cortex. It is not online all the time. It is only online when we feel regulated enough to access it. So if a child is in a fight, flight or freeze mode, the amygdala hijacks the prefrontal cortex and it's offline. It's basically your child's brain being in flight mode, right? So now my daughter's prefrontal cortex stayed online. She did not react from fear. She responded from a place of calmness but being very assertive Now this is why it happened because we've practiced this, we've been parenting her for these situations and we've role modeled this and role played it in our house multiple times. So let me help you connect the dots now. Positive parenting.

8:26 does not mean let's be permissive let's avoid consequences let children hit let children do whatever they want okay or let's become our child's friend and our child's favorite human being no positive parenting is about building a nervous system that can stay regulated under stress now here's how we've been doing it so number one We always validate her emotions and we tell her all emotions are okay, all behaviour is not. So, when my daughter comes home upset about something, I don't tell her, "Oh, it's not a big deal, just ignore it. You know, you're fine, stop crying."

9:02 I tell her that sounds really hard, it absolutely makes sense why you feel upset today. Now why does this matter because when children's emotions are validated again and again, their nervous system learns, my feelings are safe, I don't have to hide them, I don't have to explode with them and this is called co-regulation. Research shows that children who experience co-regulation, they develop better emotional regulation, stronger problem solving skills and more resilience under stress. What is co-regulation? Co-regulation is when you are there with your child helping them stay calm.

9:43 Number two, we let her make age appropriate decisions. We don't control everything. We give her choices. Do you want to wear the blue shirt or the red one? Do you want to do homework before or after snack? Why do we do this? Because when children have enough autonomy and control, they become confident and they become resilient. So what does it mean? They have this internal belief that I have power, I can affect outcomes. So when my daughter had her hair pulled, that is probably what she accessed, you know that I have power here, I can protect myself, I can set a boundary, I am not helpless, I can get help. It's the power. Alright and number 3, we do not shame or punish our child for her big emotions. Alright and she has plenty. So when my daughter has a meltdown and of course she does, she is 6 right. There is no yelling, there is no screaming, there is no time out. We stay close, we stay calm. Of course we have to regulate our own emotions first before we regulate hers or help her regulate hers but we let her know that we are here we are there for her and that she is safe now why do we do this because when a child's nervous system you know is met with calm during chaos then over time they learn to manage their emotions on their own there is enough research that shows that a calm adult can help regulate a child who is not calm and over time the child understands this regulation and they are able to do it themselves because they have seen it happen multiple times and I think this is what happened when my daughter's hair was pulled out. She had enough internal regulation to stay calm, she set a boundary and She went and she asked for help. So when people say your daughter handled it so well, I have to tell you it's not luck, it's not personality. It really is years of positive parenting to help her become resilient and help her nervous system. Now I want to be very clear, if your child would have flown or frozen in that moment, that does not mean that you are doing something wrong. Every child is different, every nervous system is different. Some children are naturally more sensitive, some have experienced more stress or more trauma. So this is really not about judgement, this is about possibility.

12:07 Because I have to tell you resilience is not built overnight. And actually it has to be built over small actions because it's not something they are born with also. And the way we build it is through connection over control, through co-regulation over punishment. And when we parent this way, consistently over the course of time, we are literally shaping our child's nervous system. We are teaching their brain, you're safe, you're capable, you can handle things. And that really shows up in hard moments like these.

12:45 Here's my question for you. When your child faces a hard moment and they will, you know a lot of people tell me why are we preparing children for all of this because hard moments will come in life that is life. What response are you helping your children build? Fight, flight or freeze? Or are they going to be regulated because the difference isn't about the moment itself, you know, it's about the thousands of small moments That came before it, the time that you spent with your children, helping them manage their emotions, that's where it came from. If there's one thing I want every parent to know, It's that you can really rewrite your child's experience starting today. And that's exactly why I am hosting a two and a half hour positive parenting webinar this week. It's free. We will unpack the 10 core areas that influence behavior, emotions, learning, connection. You will understand what attachment is. And I show you how small shifts from your end can completely transform your child's world.

13:46 You will get a lot of clarity and tools, a step-by-step framework to create a calmer, more connected home. All right, without shouting, without threats, without guilt. I'm putting up the link in the description. Let's build the childhood your children deserve together. I will see you in the next video. (Transcribed by UniScribe (https://www.uniscribe.co). Upgrade to remove this message.)