# Positive Parenting for Toddlers | Top Best Things to Say to Help Calm Your Child Down **Creator:** The Mom Psychologist **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 13m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8 ## Summary In this episode, Dr. Jasmine discusses effective strategies for managing tantrums in children, emphasizing the importance of validation and emotional support. She shares practical phrases and approaches that help parents navigate these challenging moments while fostering emotional awareness in their kids. - Use phrases like "let it out" to encourage children to express their feelings. - Validate their emotions by acknowledging disappointment or frustration without sounding robotic. - Reinforce that it's okay to feel a range of emotions and share your own feelings to normalize their experience. - Remind children that feelings are temporary and will pass, helping them understand emotional fluctuations. - Focus on calming down before attempting to problem-solve, emphasizing the need for emotional regulation. - Encourage communication by helping them articulate their needs, especially when they are upset. - Establish boundaries for dangerous or aggressive behavior while still validating their feelings. - Follow their lead in emotional expression, offering support and space as needed. ## Transcript [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=0s) oh tantrums they can be so overwhelming and so confusing to navigate i mean what do you do what do you say during these emotional storms um well i'm going to get into that in today's episode [Music] but first i want to just say if you like lists like these if you like you know what to do and what to say in like short list format easy to skim then you're going to [[0:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=31s) love my positive parenting bundle it is free and it's packed with 15 checklists on what to do what to say during the most difficult parenting moments like tantrums like aggression and not listening so be sure to check out my free positive parenting checklist bundle the link will be in the description if you are watching on youtube and if you're on the podcast the link will be in the show notes um but without further ado let's get [[1:01]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=61s) into this list i'm gonna let me i'm gonna break down to you uh my top things to say during tantrums the things that i say to my kids all the time um my fallback phrases okay because it can be so overwhelming when our child is having a tantrum and our mind can kind of go blank like oh what do we say what do we do well fear not i'm going to get into that but before i do i just want to introduce [[1:28]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=88s) myself i'm dr jasmine i'm a licensed clinical psychologist and i also have two little girls um who are two and three um and so yeah we know all about tantrums around here so let's get into the number one thing that i love to say to my little ones because it not only allows me to be present for their feelings and validate their feelings and encourage them to keep expressing it but it tells my brain because my brain [[1:55]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=115s) loves to tell me that i need to shut this down i need to fix it well this helps me remind myself nope i don't need to do any of that and i can just let it be and what i say to my kids all the time is let it out let it out baby just let it out and it is it is the best it is the best again it's more for me just to let myself know [[2:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=138s) girl you got this just tell them to let it out they need to express their feelings this is healthy um and that i can allow this process and all will be well right the second thing that i love to say is you know validate their feelings so i'll say something like oh my god this is so disappointing like you wanted xyz or um you wanted to do xyz or oh my gosh you wish she would share [[2:49]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=169s) that with you and it's so disappointing right now do you notice how i say it i don't say hmm that must have made you feel sad little one right you must you look angry right it's not like that it's more about how we say it to convey our empathy convey that we get it because if we sound robotic if we sound forced um if we sound like we're just trying to get through the motions to get them to [[3:15]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=195s) be quiet they're gonna sense that and they're gonna be like stop saying that right has your child ever told that to you like stop doing that stop saying that or they get even angrier when you're trying to validate it might be because the way that you're saying it is not conveying that true sense of like oh i get you i see you i'm with you i'm there right i'm in the trenches with you that's disappointing so you want to say like how [[3:39]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=219s) disappointing oh my god now you know don't you want to overdo it get too dramatic but you just kind of want to match their feelings a little bit maybe a couples tones couple tones down right if they're super dysregulated and frustrated but you want to just convey to them and validate that it's disappointing and you get it right now that doesn't necessarily mean you're caving in to their demands or your um you know going back on what [[4:07]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=247s) you said it just means that you're letting them know that you're getting it you get it okay and the third thing is to continue to validate and you can say something like it's okay to feel frustrated right i love to say that to my kids like it's okay to be angry i get angry too and they look at me and they kind of like oh okay all right cool cool you're not judging me for this okay cool i'm gonna let you know even [[4:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=274s) more how i feel right and that's good it's a good thing and it's again to program my mind to remind myself it's okay to have feelings all feelings are welcome in this house and all feelings are okay and i have these feelings too you have these feelings we all have these feelings this is universal and i think that can be so calming for little ones to realize and it helps them increase their self-awareness in their emotional process [[5:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=302s) as well as just feeling really validated right and connected with us oh okay mommy's not threatened it's okay to feel this way and i'll never forget my mom used to tell me this all the time jazzy like she would say jazzy because that's my nickname she'd say i love you when you're upset i love you when you're happy i love you when you're mad like nothing no matter how you feel i love you and unconditionally and that's kind of um [[5:24]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=324s) what we want to convey to our child they're they won't forget it i mean i don't i don't i'll never forget her saying that i even remember where we were the times that she said it because it just meant so much and it stuck out to me right so always validate and you can say it's okay to feel this way it's okay to fill x y z totally cool with me right again it doesn't mean that we're not establishing limits it [[5:46]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=346s) doesn't mean that we're um going back on what we said it just means that we're validating them and that is what children want at the end of the day right they want to be heard they want to be seen and they want to feel validated for their feelings and then the other thing that i love to say is you know feelings come and go this is so grounding right even for us as adults when we have feelings [[6:10]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=370s) it can feel very overwhelming and like daunting and like hopeless like okay this is just always gonna be this way i'm always gonna struggle with this and it's not true but it feels true in that moment and so it can be so anchoring and grounding to say you know feelings come and go this won't be forever and we'll get through this together so anchor them in that and that's it like a teaching moment for them how they [[6:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=391s) can understand their emotional world and realize oh okay one minute i'm happy one minute i'm sad and you know if you have a toddler preschooler they're just you know they're all over the place they're they're riding the ride in the way right and so we just want to just encourage them keep riding it girl you're gonna feel happy and excited in another minute i promise you and just wait for it and then the other thing is you know [[6:55]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=415s) focus on calming down first before problem solving so i'll say something like you know this is hard right now i know this is hard let's let's take a break right let's focus on calming down um let's come back let's come back and and work through this when we're calm that's a another you know all nine times out of ten these things are said for me to remind myself right we don't this is not an emergency we don't need [[7:18]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=438s) to solve this right now we don't need to problem solve um we can't problem solve until we are calm that's us too as adults right we don't want to start problem solving and reacting to things um unless they're true emergencies but first we want to just encourage our child you know let's just let's just take a break and let's um come back a little bit later once we're calm and we'll work this out and the other thing that i like to say [[7:44]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=464s) um to encourage them to communicate so say your child is just like screaming screaming screaming and you're like oh my god like what is going on right you can say something that um say something like you know it's really hard to understand you when you're screaming i really want to help you right that is a wonderful thing to say now now i will share you know sometimes when they are it kind of depends on the range of [[8:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=491s) tantrum right so if they are super disregulated they're not going to be able to stop and be like okay okay i want x y z right that's probably not going to happen but if you're on the early side of a tantrum or they're starting to whine or you know they can um yeah just if they're you know on the other on the other side of the spectrum uh where their feelings are not as intense this can be helpful to kind of move you [[8:35]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=515s) guys along and help them uh you know remind them to express their needs so again it's hard to understand you when you're screaming i really wanna help you now sometimes we have to take it a step further because um just telling them you know use your words is not gonna help a lot of the times especially for little ones i would say nine times out of ten they need to be coached on what words to use [[8:58]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=538s) to express their needs now again they might not be able to do this especially if they're in a heightened emotional state um the language centers are not are not online um and so they're going to need to calm down and then be able to communicate so you might just need to revert to the other phrases that i shared earlier about just helping them just express their emotions and then you can kind of problem solve but you know you'll have to kind of read [[9:23]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=563s) their cues you could try these out and then you know if they're not there yet just go fall back on the other things um so if you want to help them and and i'm always an advocate of helping them express themselves without just saying like vague things like use their words because again when they're having big feelings it's gonna be hard for them to use their words so you can say something like you know i think you're trying to ask me [[9:44]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=584s) for xyz you can say xyz so example i think you're trying to ask sister for the ball um you can say ball please okay and then they'll say ball please you know that kind of thing and then you want to help them with that conversation or i think you're trying to tell mommy that you want a snack you can say snack please um i think you're trying to tell me you want to go outside yeah you want to go outside [[10:11]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=611s) you can say outside please right here pointing um so and again if it's something that you can you know meet their need with right away then great if not just let them know oh i hear you i hear you you want a snack mommy's doing the dishes i'll be right with you thank you for your patience oh i know it's frustrating it's hard to wait sometimes right so you again you're validating you're validating but you're still doing your [[10:36]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=636s) dishes or whatever you're doing and then you're just making a note to do it you know as soon as you can um the other thing you can tell them is um is established boundaries okay so it's important especially if their behavior is dangerous or aggressive or destructive right so if they are you know missing you know destroying toys breaking things um pushing hitting biting whatever it is you always want to establish some kind of limit and the way that you [[11:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=664s) can do that is you know validating first and then doing the limit so it's okay to feel angry but i can't let you hit right or i won't let you hit um i see that you're frustrated it's okay to feel that way i would too right um but we can't use our bodies to hurt so again we're saying this we're saying that we get it but we're establishing that boundary and oftentimes it looks like you know [[11:29]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=689s) having our bodies in between um our bodies are going to in our actions are going to speak louder especially during these times of emotional uh heightened uh states so you have to you know make sure that your body and your actions are aligned with what you're saying because that's what they're gonna they're gonna be reading it all and taking it all in um so of course always establish limits during tantrums if the behavior is dangerous destructive or aggressive and [[12:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=720s) um the other thing that you can say is you know follow their lead i think this is so important especially when they're having big emotions follow their lead so you can say something like you know i'm here for you if you need me um it's okay if you need space right now but i'm here i'm here for a hug i'm here for some cuddles if and when you're ready so we're never like forcing them to hug us or forcing them [[12:24]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=744s) to sit on our laps or anything like that but we want to just kind of follow their lead and always just let them know we're right there so we're never leaving ideally unless we need a break now taking a break is way better than yelling and losing it so always if you need to if you are feeling like okay i need to take a break i need to take some space do that let them know where you're going and [[12:47]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=767s) that you'll be right back so absolutely fine but ideally if you have the emotional capability you are right there with them um you're in the same room allowing them to share their feelings with you and then just following their lead in in terms of you know if they want if they're ready for physical affection now again if you guys like lists like this if you want more guidance on what to do and what to say during [[13:12]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=792s) really challenging parenting moments like tantrums like aggression like not listening like what do you do when you feel angry at your child and you're about to lose it what do you do after you've lost it uh what do you do to stop behavior without saying no don't stop quit well all of that is covered in this checklist bundle and let me just show you like let me just give you an idea of what one looks like [[13:35]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sBptyeq6_C8&t=815s) it's very uh easy to read easy to skim you can print them out put them on your refrigerator or wherever to remind you if that's helpful so again the link will be in the description if you are watching on youtube or in the show notes if you are listening on podcast um until then friends i will see you in the next one bye guys