The 3-Step Approach to Raising Resilient Kids (Starting Today)

0:00 Our first daughter absolutely hated being in the car, so much so that from the moment we strapped her in until we reached our destination, she would scream non-stop. And this would happen every single car trip. And one day a friend and I were driving to the shops and as soon as we pulled out of the driveway right on cue, my daughter started to cry. And before I even had a second to think, I heard my friend unbuckle her seatbelt and the next thing I knew she'd actually climbed over the center console and into the backseat and she immediately began patting my daughter's tummy and making shushing noises.

0:35 Now my first response was, "Why did you just do that? That was really dangerous." And my second was, "Wait, why did you think you needed to do that?" And looking back, I realized her response was driven by that natural instinct we all have when we hear a baby cry. That overwhelming urge to drop everything and soothe them as quickly as possible. And while I felt that too, my response was different. Not because I didn't care, but because of something I've learned as a pediatric occupational therapist, something my friend didn't know.

1:10 I understood that in that moment, my daughter didn't need urgent care and attention. It was actually okay for her to cry. In fact, I'll even go one step further and say that in certain situations like this one, it was actually beneficial not to jump in right away and respond the way that my friend did. Now I know what you're thinking, "What? How could letting my baby cry ever be good?" Well, let me explain. Every time your baby cries or protests, it doesn't always mean that they need something immediately.

1:43 Sometimes they're just expressing discomfort or frustration as if to say, "Hey, this is new," or, "This is a little bit tricky." By guiding them through these moments, instead of rushing in to fix everything by picking them up and soothing them, you're helping them develop one of the most important life skills that they can have, which is resilience. You're teaching them that it's okay to feel frustrated sometimes and that they have the inner strength to work through it.

2:08 This early foundation equips them with the emotional tools they need for bigger challenges down the road, like learning to walk despite those inevitable tumbles or facing their first day of preschool. Now, you're probably thinking, "Are you seriously suggesting I ignore my baby's cries to build their resilience?" And I'm absolutely not saying that. In fact, it's the opposite. To help your baby build resilience, you do need to respond, but maybe not in the way that you're used to, which is exactly why I created this video.

2:37 I wanted to show you exactly what to do and say in these moments to help your baby develop the emotional strength they'll need as they grow. But before we talk about how to respond, it's important to know when to focus on building resilience. When your baby is truly distressed, like when they're hungry, tired, or in pain, that's not the time to work on resilience. In those moments, your baby needs you to step in and comfort them right away.

3:05 Instead, there are two types of moments that are perfect for building resilience. First, there are those moments when your baby is facing a small challenge, something that's just within their ability to handle. These are the times when your little one might be a bit frustrated, but not truly upset or distressed. In these situations, you won't hear that urgent, "I need your help now," cry. Instead, you might hear grunts of effort, small whines of frustration, or short, less intense cries.

3:35 It's as if your baby is saying, "This is tricky," rather than, "I'm scared or overwhelmed." For example, your baby might be on the play mat, reaching for a toy that's just beyond their reach. Or maybe they're on their tummy and they're working hard to lift their head. Or perhaps they're lying on their side and they're trying to roll over for the first time or they're wobbling as they attempt to sit up all on their own. Actually, while we're on that note, if you do want to know when your baby will achieve those amazing milestones plus everything else in their first year of life, make sure you download the free developmental milestone chart by clicking the link in the description below.

4:09 Now, on top of those moments, there are also those real life moments when your baby is safe, but you need to finish an essential task before attending to them. For example, you're in the shower and your little one starts fussing. Or maybe you're making dinner and your baby is in a bouncer and they start fussing because they want your attention. Or in my situation, you're driving to the shops for some much needed groceries. In these situations, your baby isn't in danger.

4:34 They might want you, but sometimes they need to wait a little bit while you finish what you're doing. Both of these moments are golden opportunities for building resilience. So how do you respond in a way that builds resilience? Well, the key is following a three step approach. The first step is acknowledge. This simply means stating what you can see using a calm voice and keeping your body language neutral. And by that, I mean no animated arm movements or panicked faces.

5:02 For example, if your baby's reaching for a toy, you might say, "You're trying really hard to reach that rattle." Or if you're in the shower and your baby starts crying, you could say, "I know you want me to pick you up right now." Now at this point, you may be thinking, "My baby's only a few months old. They don't understand a word I'm saying. Isn't this a bit silly?" And trust me, I get it. Talking to your baby like this can feel awkward, especially when they're under six months of age.

5:28 But here's the thing, even though they can't understand your words, they can absolutely pick up on your tone of voice and body language. Think of it this way. Imagine you're in a country where you don't speak the language and someone rushes up to you waving their arms and talking really loudly and fast. You'd feel quite panicked. But if they actually approached calmly, spoke softly, and their gestures weren't so animated, you'd feel much more at ease, even if you don't understand a word.

5:58 That's exactly what you're doing when you talk calmly and keep your body language relaxed and neutral. You're helping your baby feel more comfortable in a challenging situation, setting the tone for how they actually approach it. Now the second step is to encourage. So you would cheer your baby on without jumping in to fix things. For instance, if your baby is stretching for that toy, you might say, "You're so close. Can you stretch a little more?" Or if you're finishing up a task, you could say, "Mommy's almost done with her shower.

6:28 And then I'll pick you up." Then step three is wait and watch. Give your baby a moment to work through the challenge. Stay close and attentive, but resist that urge to immediately fix things. This step is crucial because it allows your baby to experience the process of working through frustration and potentially solving the problem on their own. It might be tough to watch your baby struggle a bit, but remember these small moments of frustration are building their resilience.

6:56 Now to show you what this looks like in real life, let's go back to the car example I mentioned earlier. And instead of jumping over the center console like my friend did, here's how you would approach it. Firstly, you would acknowledge. So you would say, "I hear you, sweetie. The car seat isn't your favorite place." Then you would encourage. "We just have a short drive and then Mommy will get you out. You're doing great." Then you would wait and watch.

7:18 So you would keep driving, but stay engaged. So you might sing a favorite song or describe the exciting things you see out the window. If the fussing continues but isn't escalating, you could say, "You're handling this so well. We're almost there and Mommy's right here with you." If your baby calms down, you would actually celebrate that success. And if the crying intensifies and you're genuinely concerned, it is absolutely okay to pull over safely and comfort your baby.

7:45 You might say, "That was a lot to handle. Let's take a little break and have a cuddle." Now another common example is your baby is doing tummy time and they start to fuss. Instead of rescuing them by picking them up and rolling them onto their back, you would acknowledge what you're seeing. So you would say, "Tummy time is tough, isn't it? I see you're working so hard." Then you would encourage by saying something like, "Look how strong you are.

8:08 Can you lift your head again?" Then you would wait and watch. So you would just give your baby a moment to try. Of course, you would stay close by and maybe you would get down on their level and smile or start singing, but you just give your baby a moment. If your baby manages to lift their head or even just continues trying, you would celebrate their efforts by saying, "Wow, look at you go. You're getting stronger every day."

8:29 But if they become truly distressed, then comfort them. Remember, the goal is to offer your little one challenges that they can handle, not to push them to breaking point. So if you see that your baby's had enough, simply scoop them up or roll them back onto their back and say, "Wow, you worked so hard. Time for a little break." Now, adopting this approach does feel a little awkward at first, but it does get easier with time and it is really important because it allows you to support your baby through their challenges while giving them an opportunity to develop their resilience.

8:59 Essentially, you're saying to them, "I see you struggling and I believe in you and I'm here if you need me." This is a really powerful message that builds their confidence and coping skills, setting the stage for a resilient future. Now, one thing I will mention is if your little one does dislike tummy time, it might be because you're making it too hard for them. And this is because most parents generally start with tummy time on the floor.

9:24 But for many babies, especially newborn, this position is simply too challenging and frustrating. The good news is there are actually five different ways to do tummy time, ranging from super gentle to more challenging. And in this video, I'll walk you through all five methods showing you which position to start with and how to gradually build up to tummy time on the floor. Plus, I share with you tips to make each stage more fun and engaging for your baby.

9:51 So make sure you check it out.