Transplanting Children Preview Video

0:01 How are we meant to become attached? When we know what it should look like, then we'll know what is amiss. When attachment is not unfolding, there's all kinds of problems that result. The definition of attachment is that drive or relationship characterized by the pursuit and the preservation of proximity. Nearness of any kind, emotional nearness, physical nearness. Children can be moved from place to place.

0:32 We can reattach, we can make new attachments. But there are challenges along the way. There are principles to be observed. And there are ways when a child is not taking root well that we can address those issues. The capacity for relationship is gradually developed in six sequential phases. So if everything is unfolding as it should, a different way of attaching should emerge. In each of the first six years of a child's life, the first root is the senses.

1:07 This is all about being with those to whom we're attached. Being in sight, in smell, in hearing, being in touch, connected in contact. By the second year of life, it occurs to the child that a way to keep whomever I'm attached to close is to become like them. So a child begins to take on the form of those to whom they are attached. Now, what happens if this doesn't unfold and the child doesn't imitate you?

1:41 Isn't attempting to be like you, doesn't seek to take your ideas on things, to adopt your values on things? We've got problems. By the third year of life, it should occur to the child that the way to keep mommy close is simply to possess her, my mommy. And now we have strong emotions of possessiveness, strong emotions of jealousy. And now the child becomes more agreeable. We have being with, we have being like. And now we have being on the same side.

2:12 You see a different interpretation of closeness. I have seen foster children attached to through the senses not being able to let their foster mom out of their sight. But that that child will steal his mom blind. Because there's no loyalty, has not attached at that level. You see, this is a different attachment. This is a deeper attachment, and it goes on. By the fourth year of life, it should unfold even more. If mommy and daddy are the ones attached to and amusing those in generic terms, they can be surrogate mom and dad, adopted mom and dad.

2:42 That whoever the child is attached to, if mommy and daddy hold close that which they hold dear. And so the answer to closeness is to become dear. Which means that my personality takes a little bit of a turn to the sweet. If everything is unfolding as it should. And the conditions of warmth and invitation of caring are there. Then the limbic system pulls out the stops and the child gives his heart to whomever he's attached to.

3:17 The child becomes deeply emotionally attached. Now you can feel the vulnerability involved. We were never meant to raise children, never meant to participate in the raising of children whose hearts we did not have, whether they were born to us or not born to us. This is where everything moves to, is this place of emotional intimacy where there is deep emotional connection. About a year after the child gives his heart, he wants to share all that is within his heart to whomever he is attached to.

3:50 And now he automatically begins to share his secrets. He wants to be seen and he has a secret. It burns a hole in him because it divides him from from those that he is attached to. When a child is not developed in this place, the secrets that can divide can be tremendous, especially when they can come from a place, and many children do, where they have had to keep secrets to preserve relationships on top of the soil.

4:17 Of course, we have the unfolding of potential to become truly human springing forth automatically from the root system. Well, this is simply an overview. This is the way it should unfold. If you adopt an eight year old, the child is not going to be able to attach to you in a way that is not yet developed in them. They will attach to you in however it is that their attachment has developed. Or has a child not developed the capacity to attach?

4:44 The good news is it's never too late. There's no critical periods. That's why we can form these attachments and develop a deeper capacity for relationship later on in life. And that's good news, especially in dealing with transplanted children. Sam.