# Making Sense of Counterwill - Preview of lectures from by Dr. Gordon Neufeld's Course on Counterwill **Creator:** Neufeld Institute **Platform:** youtube **Duration:** 4m **Source:** https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY ## Summary Children often instinctively resist expectations and authority, a phenomenon known as "counter will." This instinctive reaction is not intentional but rather a deep emotional response to perceived control, which can complicate parenting and educational efforts. - Counter will is a natural defensive reaction against perceived coercion from adults. - The more forceful adults are in expressing their desires or expectations, the more likely children will resist. - An example is a student who, after an anti-drug message, felt compelled to consider drug use for the first time. - Coercion can be both negative and positive; even rewards can trigger counter will if perceived as controlling. - Personal experiences, such as a parent’s insistence on happiness, can evoke counter will in children. - Understanding counter will is crucial for effective interactions with children, as ignoring it can lead to counterproductive outcomes. ## Transcript [[0:00]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=0s) every child possesses the instincts to do the opposite of what is expected this shouldn't surprise us and yet somehow it does we assume that a child is doing this on purpose it isn't it is instinctive driven by deep instinct by deep emotion if we push the wrong buttons in a child or if these emotional buttons are pushed in us it calls forth this reaction which we've dubbed counter [[0:31]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=31s) will say my first son he was in grade 11 and the brand new principal decides and on the first day of school she is going to make an impression upon her students and gives an anti-drug message I asked Shane how was your day or no principal thought she had to give you know preach to us and he says you know what I had never actually thought of doing drugs before this time and suddenly it makes me feel like doing it [[1:02]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=62s) what in the world but our whole school is based upon educational campaigns our whole thing is the more we can get it through their thick heads the dangers of this what they must do what they have to do what we expect of them the more it's going to work our school is system is crippled by counter will the counter will instinct is a defensive reaction to perceived [[1:33]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=93s) control and coercion in other words nobody likes to be pushed around a counter will is it deeply rooted in instinct and emotion every single child every single adult possesses this family of instincts it throws a monkey work into parenting in a very fact that we impose our wishes desires expectations calls forth a defensive reaction what in [[2:03]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=123s) the world could this be about well one way of looking at it is it simply an expression of the basic universal principle that for every force there's an equal and opposite counterforce the greatest force impinging upon a child is the will of the adults who are responsible for that child the more forceful we are in communicating our will concerning their [[2:34]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=154s) behavior the more likely it will call forth counter will and the forbidden toys syndrome you take preschoolers they divide them into different groups depending upon the degree of coercion they use everything from this toy is not to play with that's just descriptive too if you play with this toy you'll really get into trouble which alerts of course the child to the will of of the adult the more forceful this statement has been about not [[3:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=184s) playing with this toy the more likely the child is to play with the toy coercion doesn't necessarily have to be be negative it can be positive that is you can alert a child to the will of an adult by using reward and reinforcement the reason I have emotional counter will is because I had a father who had one desire for his kids and that was for his children to be happy I woke up to oh [[3:35]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=215s) what a glorious morning oh what a glorious day and that wasn't the end of it I heard cheer up 20 times a day put a smile on your face oh why are you looking so intense and the more my father worked on me the more morose Ivy game into this day when I'm in a restaurant where somebody is high having a good day I hope everything is well with you and I feel like saying you can't make me be happy only it feels [[4:04]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=244s) like I want to punch them you can't make me be happy what an absurd statement doesn't everybody want to be happy yes but my father got there first and so it brought out the counter will in me it is important and I'll keep reading this very important that in our inter with children we keep counter will in mind if we don't again we are going to trip all over this and actually be [[4:37]](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta3PvZqBmGY&t=277s) counterproductive and and our interactions will backfire you