WHAT PARENTING STYLE IS BETTER? Parenting Styles and the Effects on Kids | The Mom Psychologist

0:00 it's no secret there is great variation in how we raise our children but did you know that researchers have been able to narrow down our parenting styles to just four different categories um and in this video i am going to break down the four different categories as well as what the research has to say about which style is best based on child outcomes so let's dive in hi hello and welcome back to my channel if you are new here i am dr jasmine i'm

0:30 a clinical psychologist as well as a mom of two little girls and i recently launched my free two-minute quiz designed to help you figure out what your parenting style is and also i share um important things to keep in mind based on your approach as well as some quick tips for better behavior so you can click the link in the description to take the quiz or you can go to thempsycolleges.com forward slash quiz and again it's free

0:57 it's two minutes and it's a lot of fun um so let me back up a little bit what is a parenting style quite simply what a parenting style means it is your pattern of approaching your child and raising your child and this concept was initially uh developed by or researched by a developmental psychologist named diane bondman and she initially came out with three different parenting styles and then later on a fourth parenting style

1:27 was uncovered based on the research but the parenting styles are determined based on your level of warmth or affection with your child as well as your level of control and structure um so there's either high or low levels of warmth high low levels of control okay so parenting style number one is authoritarian that is really it's my way or the highway and so these parents are high on

1:57 control and structure but low on warmth and affection and so these parents have no problem figuring out the rules enforcing the rules but they struggle with being affectionate towards their child being flexible about you know the rules and the structure and kind of hearing their child out listening to their child's perspective so research has demonstrated that in terms of child outcomes this parenting style tends to lead to more anxiety for the children

2:29 more uh depression or just uh you know unhappiness and more child withdrawal now i want to preface this information by saying that research has shown there are cultural differences so i'm kind of more speaking to the cultural experience in the united states but for other cultures research has shown that this parenting style hasn't um there hasn't been a a significant difference between this parenting style and the authoritative parenting style

2:59 which i will discuss in a minute based on child outcomes also if children live in um neighborhoods where there is a lot of community violence research has shown this parenting style to be more optimal because it quite literally keeps kids off of the street so important things to keep in mind right there are cultural differences when we think about parenting styles now the second parenting style is permissive so these parents are low on control

3:32 and structure but high on affection and warmth right so they're more like the let's be friends right they might walk on eggshells when it comes to their child's big feelings right they're trying to avoid tantrums at all costs they might go to set a limit and then retract you know based on their child's response they're more overall they're just more concerned with being their child's friend keeping their child happier happy so discipline is a struggle for

4:02 permissive parents right and so in terms of child outcomes um the research has shown that this can lead to more riskier behaviors when they are older right um it can lead to children having trouble respecting authority figures like teachers or coaches um and and having that level of entitlement right because they're not used to hearing the word no the third parenting style is uninvolved so these are the parents that are quite literally saying see ya right so they are in terms

4:34 of control and warmth they would be low on both they're just checked out quite frankly now there's many different reasons why parents are uninvolved sometimes it's because of their own mental health issues or other things going on in the environment such as a demanding career but in terms of child outcomes this parenting style has has been shown to lead to more anxiety for children fearfulness sadness low academic functioning right they struggle in school

5:05 they're also more likely to engage in risky behavior like substance abuse and then the fourth parenting category which if you have not already guessed is the more optimal parenting category and that is authoritative it's very it sounds too similar to authoritarian but authoritative would mean that they are high on control and structure and also high on warmth and affection right so these parents have no issues setting

5:35 rules and and putting up boundaries and limits but they're also respectful about it right they're affectionate um they also are willing to hear their child out right and hear their perspective out and maybe even bend a ruler two just depending on the you know more gathering more information so they're they're more likely to be to keep an open mind to be a little bit more flexible just depending on the situation i like to think of like this the scenario of if

6:05 you were on vacation right and your child was like i want to stay up late uh and watch you know more movies um so yes the child has a bedtime right and they're used to going to bed at a certain time but this is a different circumstance so maybe the parents like well you know we have to get up early so you can watch one cartoon instead of staying up late super late so they they they're flexible but they also still

6:30 enforce the boundary and they feel confident in their boundaries overall so in terms of child outcomes i mean this is this is the best parenting style based on child outcomes right so children who are raised by authoritative parents are more likely to be happier do well in school be socially adjusted uh follow other authority figures like coaches and teachers and just overall have a good strong relationship with their parents now i want to be very clear this is

7:01 correlation not causation right correlation meaning there is a relationship between parenting styles and outcomes but not causation right not that this parenting style causes these different outcomes right it's more of a relationship and these things are fluid and our parenting styles can be influenced on so many different factors right and we're never parenting in a vacuum right we always have to consider what else is going on in the environment that can be influencing how we show up in our

7:32 day-to-day you know parenting interactions okay so this all begs the question of like why are we talking about this why is it important to think about our parenting style and i think it's important because it begs the larger question of what kind of parent do you want to be right i think it helps us become a little bit more intentional right and a little bit more conscious of our styles of interacting with our child right when it comes to discipline and

8:00 setting limits also affection and warmth and knowing overall that children thrive from both right they thrive when there is a good balance between structure and limits as well as warmth and affection right they need both um it's not an either or kind of thing okay let's dive into some frequently asked questions related to the topic of parenting style so the biggest question that i receive is uh is it okay if me and my partner don't have the same parenting style now of

8:32 course you can't control somebody else right you can't control the decisions that your partner makes ultimately but ideally uh you guys are on the same page when it comes to discipline right um because if not it can get messy right especially as your child gets older and they become more aware that you guys are not on the same page um this can lead to one child preferring one parent or another or pitting the parents against each other

9:00 not in a malicious way but just in the fact that they realize that you guys are not on the same page so here's some quick tips i mean there's so much to say about this but quick tips related to if you and your partner are not on the same page when it comes to parenting styles my number one tip is learn this stuff together i think too often one partner is busy absorbing information and learning and then the

9:21 other partner is not and the best outcome is when you guys can learn together discuss this together figure out what you agree on what you don't agree on and ultimately develop rules together based on your own parenting styles also think about the ways in which your different kind of approaches might actually complement each other um kind of think about that you know whereas one parent might struggle with enforcing limits and kind of lean more on the permissive side

9:49 maybe that other parent can help them right versus you know with another parent that maybe struggles with the warmth and connection maybe the other parent who you know doesn't have a problem with that can help them right and can help come in and fill that gap or help them teach them some things or two right so figure out what you guys can teach each other based on your strengths and your weaknesses and again i can't stress this

10:10 enough learn together and also avoid undermining your partner in front of your child i think that is one of the most important things to always keep in mind uh when it comes to you guys not agreeing that to talk about this in private don't try to hash these things out in front of your child and by all means don't undermine your your partner in front of your child because that only leads to your child feeling more

10:34 confused more put in the middle of this and it just gets messy okay question number two is does respectful or gentle parenting uh fall into one i would say yes i would say that that tends to fall into the authoritative parenting style um again there's different labels i think for kind of similar parenting approaches now there's a question about attachment parenting i will say that's different than um respectful parenting attachment

11:05 parenting is different than attachment science and i can go into a different video about attachment science versus attachment parenting but quite simply attachment parenting is uh based on the idea that there are behaviors that we can do as caregivers to increase or uh promote optimal or secure attachment right then the idea being that the things that we do like baby wearing um breastfeeding

11:36 um co-sleeping that those things are kind of more of the attachment behaviors and the idea being that because the closer you are to your child the more in tune you are with their uh different cues and then you can meet meet your child's needs accordingly so anyways it's it doesn't mean though that if you don't do attachment parenting you're not gonna have a secure uh attachment with your child again i'm happy to go into more of that in depth

12:05 and share some more research on attachment if you are interested so if you are give this video a thumbs up let me know down in the comments if that is something that you're interested in learning more about another question you might have is you know after listening to the different uh parenting styles after taking my quiz you might be like okay i know that my parenting style is not the best maybe you're more on the uninvolved side or the permissive side

12:26 or the authoritarian side and you're like i know this is not the the best for my child uh but how do i make a shift and i think that is such a wonderful and beautiful question right i think the first thing as cliche as it sounds is to believe that you can make a change and i really believe that right that is never too late whether you have an older child a teenager to change things around right and to have a

12:50 better relationship with your child and to ultimately change how you show up as a parent so you have to ultimately believe and lead with i know that it's possible to make a change and i will say start small right don't try to change everything all in one day start small start with one thing that you want to change about your parenting and then work your way up and the other thing that i will say is that redo's are your

13:13 friends right we're gonna make we're gonna make mistakes as we go along our parenting journey remember that this is all fluid right and depending on what is going on in our life our parenting styles can change and so be open to making mistakes be ready to make mistakes and ultimately know how to repair your relationship with your child when you make a mistake and i do have a video about what to do after you have lost it

13:40 on your child and made a parenting mistake so i'll go ahead and link it right here but also just know redo's are your friend right don't be afraid to tell your child oh my goodness i got so upset right there let's can we have a redo right it is never too late to have a redo and i think that is a wonderful thing to teach your child on how they can repair their mistakes right and that it's not too late for them

14:04 to um apologize and change things up i think it's a powerful lesson for your child and what we can teach them is that it's okay to make mistakes we're all human and i'm invested in this relationship right i'm invested in getting this right and i want to have a redo the other thing that goes along with that is know that this is a process right that change is not linear we're not going to go droop right up the

14:28 ladder that change involves setbacks and um mistakes and that that's okay right that this is a process there's no magical band-aid when it comes to our parenting and that we just are ultimately figuring out at the end of the day what works for us and our children um and also don't do this alone right try to find a community of like-minded parents who have similar values where you can turn to for support um and by the way if you're looking for

14:56 a bomb community i have the mom sisterhood which is my private community for moms who are interested in learning more about positive parenting and just want a community of like-minded parents but also to receive some of my professional guidance so you can check the link in the description to find out more um but ultimately wherever you go just don't do it alone right um don't do this alone find some find people find people that are um

15:26 invested in this and have similar values and same for your partner right that we we do best when we are in community with each other all right that is it for this video don't forget to take my free two-minute parenting quiz um so you can figure out what style you are and most importantly based on your approach what are some important things to keep in mind because all of the different parenting styles come with some hiccups

15:51 every now and then i also share some quick parenting tips um that you can start implementing today to see better behavior so be sure to check out the quiz and that is it for this video i will see you in the next one bye