vitalclip

0:00 The ultimate developmental agenda is for that creature to become viable as a separate being. We could say figuratively to walk a baby, to walk on his own two feet, uh to think for oneself, to have his own boundaries, to be a separate being. This takes a lifetime, but childhood is where we should make some headway in this. It's about becoming viable as a separate being. So like the fetus when the umbilical cord is cut that first attachment of the child to to the mother when the first part of the attachment is cut you need to create another womb a psychological womb so to speak an invisible umbilical cord a womb of attachment which now gives birth to viability as a separate being. But this is going to take a long time. This is what childhood is about. And so as a as as parents we are responsible for creating that womb in which the child can be pregnant with themselves to become their own persons. So what we're we're trying to do it's it's nature and we'll talk about this more. It's nature which has the job of growing children up to become their own persons. It is parents who have the job of creating the attachment womb. And so our job is here and nature helps us with this is to facilitate dependence because in this place just like in the womb we don't we don't train the fetus to be able to make it to breathe on their own. Can you imagine if we actually had access to the fetus we would get in there with little manuals with little training and qards and try to get them all ready for the time the umbilical cord was cut. Well, it's really fortunate we have no access because we don't mess things up. But as as parents when the child gets outside of the womb we become preoccupied and I'll talk about that more with independence when really we should be asking how can I get the child to depend upon me and again we'll go through this because this is a very important concept but attachment is to facilitate dependence that is to to render the child receptive to being taken care of to being taken care of that is the part of it And and so what attachment does is provides the power to. In other words, children are not born receptive to be taken care of just by anyone. There are not they're not taking their cues from anybody. They don't just hold out their hands, you know, to anybody. They're not uh they're not going to follow just anybody. This is this has to do with the attachment. And so our job is to create that kind of context. Now the first thing it does is it arranges in a hierarchical uh a hierarchical relationship.

2:52 Now here is another difficult word and we have a lot of difficult words here. Power is a difficult word. Dependence is difficult. In North America we have a love affair with independence and hierarchy. Oh please this is enough. One session and we've already oh this is this is too much already. Yes, hierarchy is very difficult for us because we have a huge value around all things egalitarian. But attachment is not about that. Attachment is about being able to take care of somebody. And so nature has has designed when we look at this there are two sets of instincts. There are the instincts to depend. This is to look up to, to defer, to follow, to uh to take the cues from, to attend to. And it's this kind, it's this kind of it which I have uh illustrated in the diagram there. It's that kind of of posture. And the answer to that posture is somebody who presents themselves as the answer to that.

3:59 They are the answer uh to contact and closeness. The answer uh giving the cues uh providing comfort uh uh providing uh being taking the lead uh giving direction and so all of this is the answer. And so you have these two things. In other words, when two creatures come together in a very primitive way, these two sets of instincts, they can't come together like this. What happens is is they come together like this. One goes underneath and the other goes on top. One with a dependent instincts and the other with what we call the alpha instincts. And so this is the thing. These this is the dance of attachment. It is that dependence and it's that alpha. Uh it doesn't matter how identical you are.

4:47 That is you could have identical twins and as they start attaching to each other what happens? One takes a dependent role and the other a alpha role and by 3 or four years of age this can be established in terms of their personality and be there for life. Sometimes it generalizes all over the place. Sometimes it's only in relationship to their twin uh and uh and sometimes in an ideal situation it goes back and forth like it should in marriage. And marriage is the same. That part of attachment in marriage is the same. That is the attachment part of our marriage is not about equality. The attachment part is simply this. It's an arrangement to take care of each other.

5:32 That's even what our vows are about. They're not about treating each other as equals. That's an idealism in marriage. It is about very simply taking care of each other. And so when you sense a need in your spouse, you should automatically find inside of yourself evoked the alpha response to present yourself as the answer. Now, there's a lot of natural arrogance in the alpha. There you go. I'm your best bet, baby. You're lucky you have me. You know, and there is a lot of this because you're presenting yourself as the answer to the other. And it's absolutely essential you do. And it calls forth in them their response of being able to lean on you. Uh now if you are two alpha two alphas in a in a marriage and two with two alpha complexes you'll have great difficulty.

6:21 You know who takes the lead when you go for a walk. You know you'll both be driving at the same time even though only one is at the steering wheel and there'll be all kinds of this is one of the biggest things we trip over in our marriage is we have difficulty with this dance the dance of attachment because attachment is about alpha and dependent and it's finding that easy place. But when it comes to parents and children, children are meant to be in the dependent place and adults are meant to be the answer to present themsel with this alpha presence. Now there's a problem in today's society is culture usually scripts this alpha walk this alpha presentation. In Provence, you could see the grandparent, you could see the parents, they walked in this way that they were the answer to their grandchildren and they and presented in this alpha and it and all the children immediately deferred. It's this incredible walk. They didn't have to be taught this. You can't teach this.

7:18 You have to find this. It was scripted in their culture. Today's parents in North America are in this position. What should I do? children have been born. You know, here I have a child and he hasn't I haven't even been given a manual. Oh, tell me what is this position? Is it alpha or dependent? It is dependent. Now, when we're in this in the the thing that inspires a child to lean on us is when we have an alpha presentation. It doesn't mean we have the answers. It means we are their answer.

7:53 That is absolutely essential to have an alpha presentation.