How to Stop Being a People Pleaser

0:00 hi I'm Dr Becky and this is good inside I'm a clinical psychologist and mom of three on a mission to rethink the way we raise our children I love translating deep thoughts about parenting into practical actionable strategies that you can use in your home right away one of my core beliefs is that we are all doing the best we can with the res ources we have available to us in

0:32 that moment so even as we struggle and even as we are having a hard time on the outside we remain good [Music] inside hello people Pleasers hello recovering people Pleasers hello anybody who's curious about their people pleasing part this episode is for you before we fully dive in together I want

1:03 to read you a DM I received from someone who is debating leaving a voicemail for this episode it kind of says it all Dr Becky oh the irony I'm over here racking my brain trying to think of a good question for your people pleaser podcast episode I don't want to let you down by not accepting the assignment I know that if I don't leave a voicemail you'll be fine fine I can say no to this request

1:34 but here I am going through the cycle that has been hard wired into me since birth I think so many of us know that cycle so with all that in mind let's jump [Music] in let's hear from our first caller Alyssa Hi Dr Becky this is Alysa calling in from Bethesda Maryland where my 2-year-old daughter is sleeping upstairs

2:04 and I'm calling about your request for people pleaser stories and oh my goodness I am a people pleaser a people Pleasers people pleaser I suppose I have such a hard time holding boundaries on just about anything whether it's holding time at work to be able to actually get my work done and not respond to somebody else's urgent need or taking care of things between my spouse and my parents and my kid and even being able to say

2:32 that it's okay to take pet from me and I was so struck when I saw your Instagram story and um felt seen and just wanted to reach out and share because I know I'm not alone here and I think my my biggest question is I tend to like I I'll Ro play a scenario and I'll get ready to have a tough conversation I'll get in the room and I just won't be able to do it I'll lose my

2:57 nerve I won't be able to hold the boundary and I want to know how I build that muscle to actually be able to know that I am worth I worth it and worthy of setting boundaries and protecting my time and having things that I want for me um thank you for everything you do thank you for holding all of us so close in your heart hi Alyssa thank you so much for calling in just the fact that

3:22 you recognize this people pleasing part in yourself you then thought ooh I would like to work on it I'm going to voice my thoughts in a voicemail that says so much already about your willingness to take up space and that's a huge thing for us recovering people Pleasers you are definitely not alone you said it I'll validate it we receive so many voicemails on this topic so know that you're surrounded by so many other people working on this exact same thing

3:52 all right first things first we have to understand how people pleasing Tendencies began if we any hope of Shifting them the reason we go back to our past isn't just to kind of wax poetic about it it's because our past lives on in our present so many of us were raised to be good girls what's wrong with being a good girl that sounds fine well here's the thing being a good girl it's kind of like a code what is a

4:20 code for Good Girls learn to be more oriented to what others want of them then to what they want for themselves they learn to gaze out first what's going to make people happy what's going to keep this relationship peaceful as opposed to First gazing in what do I want what's my body saying what would it be like to prioritize that it's a huge

4:50 shift then to think about changing the initial direction of our gaze cuz that's what we're really doing if we're talking about shifting these people pleasing patterns we're talking about gazing in before we gaze out now here's another way to think about this and why this change is actually so hard right you mention you're from Bethesda well imagine you mve to London one of the things we know you'd have to change is the direction of your first gaze of when you were

5:16 crossing the street you were brought up to First Look left that was critical to your safety now you move to London and you're trying to essentially rewire your body to First gaze right because gazing left is no longer important to your safety even though logically we know that I don't think any of us would think that as soon as you started Living in London you'd immediately look right no it's hard to rewire the things that were

5:46 put in place to protect us that's exactly the journey we're going to be on together throughout this episode a couple steps to take this framework and put it into action number one we have to get to know that people pleasing part of us even that language matters you Alyssa you have a people pleasing part people pleasing is in all of you you are not a people pleaser no you are not a people pleaser you are Alysa and you have a

6:16 people pleasing part and like so many of us with people pleasing Parts sometimes that people pleasing part if you picture like a boardroom it gets out of its seat and it comes to your seat the CEO seat and kind of takes over probably because that used to be adaptive it must have been adaptive for that people pleasing part of you to take over and dictate what you did why was that adaptive well going back to that good girl idea it

6:43 often Got Us Praise got us love and attention to just quote make things easier which really means don't be so in touch with your wants and desires and instead attuned to the wants and desires of other people we have to appreciate that part we have to appreciate that part and get to know it before it's willing to kind of sit in its seat and not take over the whole system step two the visual of a tennis court okay

7:10 promise you no athletic ability required just look at yourself on one side of a tennis court maybe behind the Baseline then gaze toward the net but instead of it being a net imagine a glass wall right so you can definitely see through it but there's a barrier and then there's the other side of the tennis court who's on the other other side of the tennis court whoever you're in a relationship with let's go through an example and use this visual your friend

7:37 says can you pick up my son from school today and drop him off on your way home okay request and you're thinking because now you're gazing in I know I really can't do that today I told myself I'd go to the grocery store I have a lot of errands I really can't add that extra time if we're gazing out we're thinking oh she really wants me to do it take a deep breath gaze in go back to that

7:58 tennis cour your friend is on one side you're on the other side this is so important we have to notice whose wants and feelings are whose so let's go through this on my side of the tennis court is me I want to go right from school pickup with my kid and then home I'm allowed to want that my friend wants me to pick up her kid that's on her side she's allowed to want that her side

8:23 might be her disappointment she might be disappointed she might be worried well who can get my son okay wait I can care about my friend on her side without taking care of all of her experiences by essentially making them mine the visual of the tennis court is so important for recovering people Pleasers because it really gives us that separation what is someone else's and what is

8:54 [Music] mine and now our second call Hana hi Dr Becky my name is Hana I have a deeply feeling kid that's 4.5 years old um I'm calling in from Berkeley California and I am absolutely a recovering people pleaser um have been in therapy for many years um talking about this um I was basically trained as a child to always say yes for fear of

9:25 being yelled at or for fear of disappointing my own parents and the question that I have for you is how to handle disappointment and frustration on the other side when you set a boundary or when you say no or when you put yourself first so I've been practicing just like that first step of saying no um to someone and putting my own priorities above theirs um especially when something is not in alignment um but what happens is often I'm met with

9:56 resistance or um a frustrated response or escalation um from someone on the other side who is disappointed and me um especially uh people in my family or immediate friend group who are really used to me saying yes and really used to me kind of being that like support person that's always there for them and also how to instill this in my in my kid um because I'm often setting boundaries with them I'm off often working on not

10:26 always just saying yes to my daughter um when whenever she wants something and and just kind of like uh working on setting her own boundary or setting boundaries for her and then sticking with them and not like rolling over so when she gets ulated um how to stay calm and yeah how to just practice that with also the um grownups in my life hi Hanah another kind of voicemail that just resonates so deeply and it makes me think about

10:56 something that I truly wish I was taught in school earlier and I I feel like this is a life lesson that needs to be taught I don't even want to say in high school like starting in elementary school prioritizing ourselves almost always goes hand inand with someone else feeling disappointed or annoyed or inconvenienced there I said it there's some like magical scenario I think we dream up where we think okay I'm going

11:27 to say no here I'm going to say to my boss or I'm going to ask my partner to do something with the kids I don't usually ask and there's going to be rainbows and butterflies like it's just going to be an amazing moment and everyone's going to celebrate me standing up for myself it just doesn't happen and we play all these games with ourselves like well how can I ask in a way that you know they won't be mad at

11:50 me or how can I ask in a way that they won't feel like it's that big of a deal as opposed to something that's tricky in some ways but much simpler in other ways two things are true I'm allowed to ask for what I need other people are allowed to feel whatever they feel about it and we can go from there I don't need to control their reaction to my asking for my need to be met and actually if I

12:15 build tolerance for someone's response of disappointment or someone's oh I guess I could do that if I built tolerance for that I'm going to be able to get many more things I want for myself wow that is so important we can't control how other people react to our speaking up for our wants and needs now we can ask for our wants and needs to be met in many different ways certainly some have a greater likelihood

12:47 of being met with cooperation probably they have a greater likelihood of just being in line with our own value system of how we like to speak to other people we care about but we can't create situations where other people Pat on the back or other people feel no impact to our asking for our needs to be met here's an example uh your in-laws live nearby and they often come by for a visit and it's new for you to say no right because you

13:15 often think oh I guess it's just not a big deal and they you know are driving from far away and it's only a short time meanwhile it never goes the way you want it to they always stay later you get annoyed you end up yelling at a kid or at a partner because you have this built up resentment for not having set a boundary anyway this is all coming together for you you're thinking oh here I am listening to this recovering people

13:37 please there voicemail and podcast and I'm going to do things differently great your in-laws call and say something like hey we're only 6 minutes away we're going to stop by oh you get your composure and you say something like this ooh we're not available for a visit today maybe even get oh why what what are you doing you say oh we need some quiet time as a family we're not available to have any visitors that's your boundary I don't know anyone who

14:04 has in-laws who's going to say wow I'm really proud of you for standing up for what you need thank you so much for letting me know it's just not what happens right what often happens is this well I was I mean I was planning on coming by to see the grandkids and you know I live I live a little bit far away I'm right there okay deep breath I want to go back to that tennis court that we

14:25 just talked about right so Hana you're on one side of the tennis court and your in-laws are on the other and this is something really interesting to note if you identify as having a strong people pleasing part this can happen a lot someone on the other side of the court is disappointed an in-law they're disappointed they wanted to see their grandkids I get it okay they're disappointed this is what can happen their disappointment somehow comes out

14:54 of their body it travels through that glass wall it goes goes to your side of the court and it enters your body not as disappointment it somehow transforms when it enters into your guilt their disappointment which is a feeling in their body on their side of the tennis court somehow explodes out of their body and now it's kind of floating and something happens where you right or someone in your side says oh wait I can open up I can take that into my body and

15:24 it transfers as my guilt now I have the guilt instead of them the disappointment and then I think okay I'll let them over to get rid of my guilt when we do that we build up resentment and rage it doesn't work for anyone but over and over this can happen so I want you to do this exercise with me and actually do this I want you to give that feeling back to its owner this is not an act of

15:48 aggression this is actually an act of maintaining boundaries that wasn't your feeling in the first place you acted in alignment with your values that's not your guilt guilt is when we act out of alignment with your values when you think oh I I ended up yelling at someone at the grocery store and I feel really guilty because I don't like to do that and I'm going to go apologize okay you said no you didn't want to have anyone

16:09 over you wanted to maintain the boundary that's not guilt that is someone else's disappointment it's just that so many of us because we gaze out have developed this muscle of taking other people's disappointment and kind of saying oh no no no don't worry I can take that on turn it into my guilt solve my guilt and move on with you except it doesn't work and we got to give it back so I in my own life sometimes I really will and I

16:35 don't know if you can see me right now right you probably can't but imagine me sitting with my hands out and really doing a push motion push like actually push that back really watch that feeling go back over through that glass wall and give that back to your mother-in-law and here's where boundaries and empathy really go hand in hand as we're working on that people pleasing part of us not taking over the boundary is no right you

17:07 already said it we're not available for a visit today then you hear this from your in-law remember their disappointment not your guilt oh I was planning to come I'm so close I haven't seen the grandkids in however long okay I pushed it back how do I use empathy now I can use empathy listen to this oh you didn't expect me to say no I get it it's really disappointing I'm not being factious I'm actually being completely

17:31 honest I would feel disappointed oh I hear you you really wanted to see the kids today you kind of drove a little bit out of your way I hear that's really annoying I legitimately understand that now that I've given the feeling back to its owner I can empathize with it we can't empathize with feelings that we merge into there's nothing to empathize with we've just accepted that feeling into our body you can only empathize with someone when you're a separate

17:59 human being that boundary starts that process you give the feeling back to that owner on the other side of the tennis court now you can actually show up with empathy because you can care about someone's disappointment once you haven't turned it into your guilt now you had a multi-layer question also about how we can help our kids set boundaries and not have their people pleasing Parts take over well keep listening I'm going to get to that in

18:27 the next section [Music] and now our final caller sh hi my name is Sheree I have five children ages 12 10 6 4 and a newborn uh we live in Austin Texas and my question is about how do we make sure that as parents we do not create people Pleasers what might I be doing in

18:57 raising my children that could be causing them to be a people pleaser because they're trying to please me hi Shere thank you for this really thoughtful question I love that you're thinking kind of very proactively right like how can I do things today that set my kid up to honor their own boundaries be in touch with what they need so okay a couple ideas let's teach our kids to First notice who they they are

19:29 and what's going on for them before they notice their impact on others focus on what's going on for me what's going on inside of me who am I before they focus on their impact on others now let me let me say something before we go further because I already hear my own reaction that sounds like you're going to create a generation of like really self-centered kids right are you saying that kids shouldn't notice when they hurt other people's feelings I

20:01 hear these other questions in my head so I'm sure they're coming up for you too no no I have no interest in creating a generation of selfish uh kids that's definitely not you know high up on my list of goals there's just a critical order of operations that's what I think I hope my kids and all of your kids have a ton of empathy I hope that they care a lot about the people around them and

20:24 that they're generous and actually we know going back to that idea that kids are good inside that we don't have to train kids to be that way actually those things are inside them and just sometimes things get in the way walking get in the way being really overwhelmed by your own feelings that are so big that they crowd out things like empathy and generosity what can get in the way feeling ashamed feeling bad about yourself feeling scared scared of what

20:54 often of the loss of attachment right kind of the fear of Abandonment and therefore aloneness so why does this order of operations really matter we have to first help kids understand themselves so they can feel safe so they can be grounded it's only from that safe grounded place that kids can interact with others in an authentic way that shows generosity and connectedness right so we lay the groundwork for kids understanding

21:25 themselves that then allows kids to velop in all the ways we want them to a few concrete ideas number one I think about this term a lot preserving access to desire I know that feels almost like intellectual so let's break that down I hear myself say that like Becky what do you mean okay if we want to help our kids not be taken over by a people pleasing part well a pretty good way to do that is to help our kids identify

21:54 what they want for themselves now this doesn't mean they get what they want again we often conflate the two I want my kids to always know what they want most of the time I'm actually probably going to say no cuz they want a lot of things in life helping a kid preserve access to desire is totally unrelated to giving kids everything they want let's really separate them knowing what you want getting what you want two different

22:20 things almost all kids Tantrums come down to wanting and not having almost all of them kids want something and we say they know and they are in that frustration and it explodes we can help kids preserve access to Desire by separating behavior from an underlying want or wish or to get even more concrete every time we name the wish or the want under the Tantrum while we set a boundary if we need to to keep our

22:50 kids safe during a tantrum we essentially are saying to our kids oh I'm not going to let you do things that are unsafe and it's okay to want things for yourself you don't have to block access to desire just to make other people's lives easier that's huge let's go over some examples your kid wants a red crayon and their friend is playing with a red crayon and they're frustrated and then they hit here's one intervention

23:22 stop hitting look you're hurting him you're hurting him I'm paying more attention to impact than on what's going on to a child here's a different intervention I'm not going to let you hit that's the boundary I set I'm going to be the boundary for my kid he can't be for themselves now I'm establishing safety after that I know you really want that red crayon I know you see these other crayons there's a light red there's a pink there's an orange so

23:47 similar you don't want any of those you only want that crayon maybe even your child say still can I have it can I have it can I have it no your friend's playing with it I'm not going to let you hit actually we're going to move further away to stay safe and I understand how hard it is to want something and not have it I am a sturdy leader I am separating behavior from desire and I'm

24:08 also not using this situation to put guilt on my child for my child in a disregulated state to learn oh I guess the only thing that matters is that the other person is upset that doesn't teach a kid a regulation skill they need that only teaches a kid that their wants endangers their relationships here here's another example I'm in a toy store and I told my child we're going to go to the toy store we're going to buy a

24:33 birthday present for your cousin we're not getting anything else right I've done this myself doesn't go well all the time I'm there my daughter is crying on the floor having a meltdown here's an intervention that I wouldn't so much recommend because again it doesn't differentiate what is wrong with you you're so embarrassing look around do you see any other kids on the floor crying now let me be clear the reason those words come so easily to me is cuz

24:57 I've said them myself more than once okay so if you're thinking oh I've definitely said that join the club take a deep breath and come back these words are an alternative ones we hope to use some of the time if your child is crying on the floor I'd probably pick them up move them away hey we're going to go here away from all the games I know you want that game I know it's so hard to be

25:21 in a toy store it's so hard to be in a store full of things you want and not get anything we're not going to get anything besides this gift and sweetie I love that you want things for yourself it's really cool my no is still a no but you're always allowed to want things that's so powerful to say to kids let's go on to a couple other things celebrate differences with your kids I love saying things like this here and there to my

25:46 kids huh you know what's funny I always have yogurt for breakfast I love yogurt you basically don't like yogurt at all Isn't that cool me and you are so close and yeah we have so many things that are really different about us H really sets the stage to kind of establish your child's a separate person and they don't need to gaze out to figure out what they're supposed to like that they have that information inside of them and it's

26:16 okay to be different from other people bringing that all together let's help our kids preserve access to their desire let's celebrate the ways they're different from us and let's Focus initially on the skills our kids need rather than the impact their hard moments have on [Music] us let's tie it all together with three takeaways one use that visual of a

26:49 tennis court it is so powerful we have to have some visual or metaphor to hold on to as we make emotional change ches so think about something where you might have your people pleasing Tendencies act up and then use the tennis court put yourself on one side think about who's on the other and really think through what is yours and what is theirs two remember we rarely ask for what we need

27:20 and don't have to cope with someone else's disappointment it often goes hand inand so set realistic expectations okay I'm going to ask my boss for a race my boss might sigh I'm going to ask my partner to wake up early with our kids my partner might feel annoyed that sigh that annoyance it's not a sign you're doing anything wrong it's actually a sign that we have to build up our own distress

27:50 tolerance three boundaries plus empathy that is a recovering people Pleasers best friend for a formula okay what's my boundary that's the decision my boundary is saying no empathy right I have to remember that someone else's feelings not mine and if I empathize with it versus taking it on that's how I can hold my boundary and honor my own needs thank you to all of you everyone who

28:21 called In This truly is the most amazing community in the world thank you for co-creating this really important episode thanks for listening to good inside I love co-creating episodes with you based on the real life tricky situations in your family to share what's happening in your home you can call 646 598 2543 or email a voice note to good insid

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29:26 good inside with Dr Beck is produced by Beth row and Marie Cecile Anderson and executive produced by Erica bski and me Dr Becky if you enjoyed this episode please take a moment to rate and review it or share this episode with a friend or family member as a way to start an important conversation let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves even as I struggle

29:58 and even as I have a hard time on the outside I remain good inside why is it so hard to find Reliable answers to Parenting questions how is it in 2022 parents still search on Google for answers from strangers well now there's a better way introducing the good inside membership an expert guided community-powered platform redefining modern par printing in our library

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