Got a Strong-Willed Child? So Did This Mom. | Ep. 51

0:00 [Music] hi friends welcome to the connected families podcast I'm Stacy belward and it's great to have you joining me for part two of questions and answers this episode with jimy ly Jackson the founders of connected families well the questions have come from parents who took the discipline that connects with your child's heart online course we run that course two times a year and this week a new cohort is beginning by the

0:30 way there's still time to join you're going to hear more about that later and also in our show notes well each time we run that course we do a special thing for the parents we hold three live Q&A sessions where they ask questions and Jim and Lynn and I go through them in a large Zoom format we wanted to bring some of the benefit of that format to you our podcast audience so last week in part one of the podcast series we

0:58 answered questions that came from the first two levels of the connected families framework for each level Jimmer Linn gave a quick review and then we jumped into those questions today we're going to go through the last two levels of the framework okay so let's get to it let me welcome Jim and Lynn Jackson hi you guys St how you doing today good we're good we love these q&as and it's fun doing it together isn't it absolutely we do love them it's fun

1:26 doing it together we never know quite what's going to happen Y and that's how real life is so let's do it that's right cuz you know I have our listeners in mind I'm them today and so I might even push back a little bit The Cosmic parent I'm thinking the quintessential Cosmic represents all of the needs of the listeners and anticipates every single possible Nuance so many so many different scenarios in our listening audience but I am trying to think of the

1:57 moms and dads out there and the questions that they would ask and how they would receive the answers that you're going to give you represent well today I'm kind of excited we're going to really work on getting some role plays in AR we it's kind of part of the course and then yeah yeah we love role plays and people love role plays and so we're g to we're going to do some role plays around the questions that were asked

2:17 okay this is going to be fun okay so we're going to start off with the message of the framework you are called and you are capable so Jim can you give us just quick minute or two capable is a message we seek impart to our children to help them believe that it's true you're called incapable even in the context of their misbehavior which can be hard so how do you do that for us communicating this message in the

2:41 context of misbehavior really is about recognizing that all of our kids have got strengths sometimes they use their strengths to misbehave but it doesn't mean they cease to be strengths it just means that those are strengths being misused and an important part of our work as parents to help kids grow to believe that they are called by God to do the good works he prepared in advance that they would walk in them and capable of doing those things is to be

3:06 thoughtful about what are those strengths even if they show up in the context of misbehavior and how can we position our kids instead of using those strengths dishonorably to use them for honor and it also involves a lot of just developing strengths in our kids and misbehavior as well by asking the kind of questions that provoke wisdom or giving choices that help engage the left side of their brain and they start in their front lobe and start to really

3:31 think through what would be a good choice in this situation so all of that is having a vision for building strength and wisdom in my child even when they're struggling and building strength means that I need to not look at everything as all good or all bad and look at that behavior in front of me and see what is the gifting that is allowing them to behave this way yeah and for example cuz parents have a hard time getting their

3:57 arms around this when they first hear this idea we tend call kids stubborn yeah that that child is just so stubborn sometimes and what we invite parents to think about is that stubbornness is the sort of negative label of a trait that God gave that child what might it be persistent strong will tenacious to to get what they want uh those are good things those are things that took the Apostle Paul to spread the gospel those

4:20 are things that took you know many Biblical characters to use those what we call gifts or strengths in god-honoring sorts of ways yeah yeah I love it but this took me when I first started learning the connected families way a little bit to get my head around it has been so wonderful and Fring it's just fun it's like an adventure it's like a hunt you know to see the good underneath what's going on in my home it's fun well

4:45 Lynn you mentioned we're growing giftings in our kid we're we're growing wisdom in our children and sometimes we give them choices so that's interesting because Allison sent in this question how do I focus on staying connected with my strong willed stubborn there it is three-year-old who goes into a standoff at hard transitions like leaving for school or getting ready for bed she refuses to make a choice and will even

5:15 say she's not choosing anything or will silently just stare at me and I end up making the choice for her which just leads to a meltdown interesting that you would say that because I had a story recently and we'll put this in the show notes the link to it making choices sometimes for some kids not all some kids it feels really empowering other kids it feels really threatening and like the parents are trying to take power over them and we have a story that

5:40 we'll put in the show notes of a little guy who would literally have meltdowns 4 days after he was given a choice and how the parents worked through that and the progress he's made over time so it's just a fun little extra but a lot of times it makes such a difference how we make the choice and if how we offer how we offer the choice and what we've done before we do that cuz a lot of parents

6:05 they just think okay they just need a choice and then it's down to business and we we offer a choice and we're kind of looking straight and firm at them and then it's that choice becomes about power and so you know to take the power out of it to put the connection into it and you know I could just so Jim stare at me with the the um are going to do a role play you guys is this a role play

6:25 okay I think so so so I'm going to stare at you I'm already staring at you you're so you at school do School uh well she's a three-year-old and trying to Oh leaving for school or getting ready for bed looks like the transition so transitions also are very difficult for sensitive intense kids just inherently so just a little background so I'm going to come into this with that knowledge and a lot more empathy and little three-year-old Jimmy is needing to get

6:49 ready for preschool I don't want to oh yeah I don't want to no want no I don't want to I hate how these shoes feel oh I don't want to do that having a hard time aren't you bud you don't want to go to preschool no right oh and you're staring at me like you're really mad right now aren't you yeah yeah do you know do you see my eyes I'm staring back at you with my love eyes though cuz I know this is

7:14 so hard for you I am trying so hard in this role play to stay an obstinate three-year-old and it's really difficult when you when you use this approach I mean I recognize there are those three-year-olds who are not at all conscious of what parent is doing right now they're so so upset but you know for the purpose of these role plays I usually sort of put myself in the middle of the spectrum oh yeah you've given me

7:35 a hard time many times I think um as an adult l or no no when he's playing a child right but your and maybe that's part of it is that your energy and your effusiveness about empathizing with me and understanding me and coming alongside me to help me with this instead of just standing over me and making me do the thing and and it's like I didn't I didn't know what to do with it in the context of that role play I

7:58 was really hard and you know just pause cuz I'm thinking this mom was expecting it right this is not the first time that it's happened right so she has to have thought okay I'm prepared and the next time it happens I'm going to deal with this different and I'm going to come with empathy and just really like hey you know what you all that you said Lynn and I could just see her just touching her child's cheek maybe or those

8:24 beautiful brown eyes are yours Jimmy I think it's such an important thing you just said Stacy that I want to I want to wrestle with it for just a minute and that is this idea of of what we expect and how we prepare for it cuz I think parents rightly oftentimes expect their children to have a hard time with Transitions and to be you know and even the use of the words I mean she at least

8:45 combine stubborn with strong willed strong willed is good stubborn is a dishonoring use of strong will but strong willed is the centerpiece here a strong willed child who's resistant to change and who the parent expects to act in inappropriately when it's time for change yeah and so often when we expect our children to act inappropriately we still act as if we didn't expect them to act inappropriately this time like what you're having trouble going to school

9:13 again we haven't thought through what do we expect and how do we want to parent differently not what different Behavior do I want to get from my child but how do I want to call out gifts how do I want to recognize capability how do I want to affirm any little thing that I see even in this moment that could that could be almost like a little compliment not without giving away the outcome that we're headed toward hopefully but in a

9:36 way that helps a child to feel understood joined um okay so what would that be in this role play we just we already got to I've shown my child empathy I'm face to face now what do I say okay yeah so we'll just keep going so I'm disarmed but I'm still upset and my brain isn't working very well as the three-year-old so I'm I don't know I just don't want to go oh I know that's kind of hard you know what I'm going to

10:02 make it fun for us to get out to the car and I'm going to pick you up and give you a piggyback ride if you decide you want to walk you can tell me but here I'm going to pick you up and what we'll sing your favorite song while we go too oh that'll make it a little easier oh again I'm like wow this is new so so but it feels like wow that's I mean again I

10:22 do this thing where I get in the mindset of the three-year-old and I heard what you said and I'm like wow Mom is full for me and she believes in me and I mean you know I don't think all those words as a three-year-old but there's this feeling that I have instead of being opposed I feel joined I feel understood and that empowers me to make choices to so you just gave me a choice I can but I

10:42 didn't quite give you a choice I was very calculated in I'm going to suggest and express my intention to do something fun and if you don't like it you can let me know sure so again in my role what that felt like is I don't feel trapped right I didn't want you to be trapped but I didn't want you to go okay Jimmy what is it A or B A or B like an optometrist yeah so so it's actually

11:07 yeah that's it's it's really beautiful and it's kind of almost a new Nuance in how we sometimes talk about this whereby you know the best case outcome that you're going to invite me to in a in an inviting sort of a way but then you're going to give me an off the hook like well you don't have to do this preferred way but if you want to choose to do it differently you can you get to decide

11:29 Jimmy that was kind of the bottom line of this was I I didn't feel trapped because I I had a decision to make you were invited into the best solution but you were given an out versus what's your choice going to be buddy yeah well and I'm not even thinking in the three-year-old lens as oh this is best I'm just thinking which do I prefer today I prefer this one now the question is would you have been okay if I said no

11:52 Mom I don't want that and this is why I think it's important for us as parents not to say to ourselves well this is the best one I'm going to try to make him do it it's I'm to offer him a preferred one and if he doesn't want to do it he still needs to be empowered to do the other thing so how do you respond if I say cuz maybe I'm too upset and touch doesn't

12:09 feel welcoming or warm to me and I say I I'm just going to walk mhm oh okay I'm going to walk with you and I might even stomp my feet just to kind of get some of my energy out oh wow what a fine example you're setting for me Mommy why thank you Son thank you for noticing that but again it's all so like wow I'm I'm just trying to play this role of the three-year-old and this all

12:36 feels so new and wonderful and inviting to me and it doesn't let me off the hook for some of the things that I'm struggling with doesn't fix life but it helps me take a higher sense of responsibility capability for my circumstances and yeah the outcomes and and so and the mom's being creative isn't she she's being creative and you can't be creative unless your brain is in a Place yeah and that's really important but we do have things to help

13:03 you with that and that is the dis yeah the discipline that connects book has an appendix and there's things on there's stuff on transitions in there just to help and I mean just to throw some out you said hey you can ride a piggyback you can ride on my back as a piggyback ride you know out to the car or something like that if we were just going to throw out a couple other quick little things I'll bring your coat and

13:27 shoes out you know and we'll get them on in the car or just switching things up that just isn't like you know this is one two three this is how it goes and you just better tow the line because this is how we do it in our house any other thoughts on quick creative different ways that a mom could approach that transition just giving the child a favorite item that they can focus on gives them some their brain something to

13:51 sort of lock on to that's helpful versus just I'm moving through this environment I'm making a shift I don't like it's like oh here's your grand Ola Bar for a snack you can carry it out to the car uhhuh or whatever yeah here's a stuffed animal that you get to carry and you get to bring just this one on your way to preschool every morning yep like this is you know did you get them okay Teddy's

14:13 with you good before we move to the last level that says you are responsible for your actions I want to take a second and let you all know that we are in our final week of accepting registrations for the discipline that connects online course after this the next time that you're going to be able to jump in is this coming fall well as you can tell from the answers to the questions that we've already talked about today the

14:38 course is super practical and so foundational to the view of parenting if you sign up you will be challenged and supported as you dive deep into this biblical framework during our last cohort this past fall we had many parents who came back to take it a second time for free you never pay for it twice but they came back again because of all the parenting material out there this is what they wanted to reinforce plus it's all online and it

15:08 can fit into your schedule I moderate the course so if you have questions I'm going to find you an answer I really encourage you to check it out the link to all the information is in the show notes don't wait because we will be closing registration really soon okay so Jim and Lynn let's move on to the last level of the framework that says you are responsible for your actions Lynn do you want to give us a

15:36 little overview and then we'll jump into a question do another role play yeah sure you are responsible for your actions is really a gift to kids because it communicates you can fix the stuff that doesn't go well and just even for for there was a question about a 19-month-old even a 19-month-old usually has the concept of fixing something that's broken because for sure they've probably broken a toy by then or something has crashed or whatever to the

16:05 floor and so you can just use that language of uhoh you hurt sister uhoh let's fix it you know let's fix your hearts and so that sense of I can fix what I've broken is a good thing and that's very different from I need to punish you so that you feel bad about what you did and you're less likely to do it again which really is not not true very often uh it's it's not very effective because it builds resentment

16:34 and frustration so holding kids accountable to fix what they've broken is a Biblical gift to them that builds that inner responsibility so we talk a lot about make it right consequences how could you make it right and then it's not such a a big question of oh was my child just overloaded and exhausted or was this really intentional either way when the child is rested and ready they can fix whatever went wrong what a if you imagine if our whole country was

17:03 raised oh gosh with this concept it might be a little different landscape yeah that's so good because we're helping them understand the natural impacts of their behavior then too right so the message we're communicating is you are responsible for your actions so often when kids misbehave the way that parents engage with that is strong and we're fine with wrong but it communicates a message to the kids that you're a problem you're a pain you are bad you

17:35 don't listen you are a screw up and parents never want their kids to receive these messages about themselves but when we're not thoughtful about how we engage with kids misbehavior when we correct that when we seek to correct that misbehavior we often unwittingly communicate these counterproductive messages so our invitation simply is to think about those times when you feel compelled as a parent to put corrective discipline in place to communicate the message you are responsible to make

18:04 right what you've made wrong as your primary goal here and and then to address what are the consequences natural impacts are those things that happen automatically because of how you've behaved do we help our kids understand that as part of the process do we allow their understanding of that to become a motivator to them to make right what they've made wrong so you yelled at your sister and that's not okay you go to your room and don't come

18:27 out until you can say you're sorry that's the old way yeah that what does that teach our children you're a screw-up go away from us until you can come back and not be a screw-up anymore and by the way lie to do it because we want you to say you're sorry even if you don't feel it yet and that's what kids need to do in order to get out of trouble well that's that's not a productive way to help our kids learn to

18:47 Value restoration with sister make things right I really like that that explanation of you are responsible for your actions Jim and Virginia sent us in this question question and we get this question a lot of times from parents because the words that we use to communicate your responsible can change depending on the age of your child but really the message stays the same but parents are always asking well how does it actually sound different depending on

19:16 the age of my child okay so here's Virginia's question and then we'll we'll set up a roleplay for it after that she ask can you please show how an example of using the framework or in this case your resp responsible for a 19-month-old and a 5-year-old who have been hitting so we're just going to like set it up maybe they were on the playground or they had a play date or something they hit they hit someone so they're not this

19:42 isn't about with each other this is about the 19-month old is with other kids at the playground and they hit somebody sure and and then we have a 5-year-old and they hit or did something so so what we want to role play is how does it sound different to talk to an 19-month old and talk to a 5-year-old so could you set that up and we'll kind run two different role plays to let the parents hear the difference yeah so

20:03 19mon old first and it's playdate time both will be play dat times both the 19-month Old and the 5-year-old will be a play dat so the first one is I've brought my 19-month-old with a friend you're the parent I'm the parent and Lyn is the 19-month-old all right and she's over here playing and I'm over here talking and all of a sudden there is uh an interaction at the slide no no my turn my turn I need okay so there's my

20:30 queue and so so I no you're too late I already whacked the little Kido well I know so I I could have been paying better attention and seen it coming but I didn't oh come on moms need time to chat on the bench can play by themselves yes and dads yeah so uh sure so it just happened so I've I've gotten off the bench and I've gone over and I'm going to attend to my daughter and also to the

20:51 victim on the playground so honey honey honey no my turn my turn it was my turn oh oh look at me right here my turn look at me come here oh come here I'm going to hug you yeah you're really mad right now aren't you it was your turn wasn't it my turn here how does the little guy here feel and the other you know so now in the out of role play for just a second other parents has come over

21:12 they're scowling at me cuz my kid just hit their kid you know so so but I'm just going to be okay with that it's like I'm going to attend well to my child and I'm going to hopefully set an example for the parent that's watching and I'm going to say to my child right now yeah you're so mad and and how is the other child feeling I don't know yeah you don't know but you know how you my turn my turn so we're

21:34 going to go over here separate my child buy some space and time you're so upset right now aren't you yeah yeah and you hurt that other child did you get hurt too no no you did so who did all the hurting that child is hurt are you hurt no no so you did some hurting didn't you no no oh you didn't but look at over there look at the little child over there how do they feel are they mad too

22:00 mad yeah they're crying sad oh they're sad yeah so we're going to we're going to settle down come here breathe with me yeah well I can feel your breathing and I can feel your heartbeat can you feel your heartbeat no look it right here oh it's too hard okay let's just [Music] breathe look at me I love you this is so hard being a little one you're mad you didn't get your turn on the slot SL yeah

22:30 my turn yeah so you want to go slide soon yeah let's settle down and then you can slide and then we're going to go talk to the other child too see how they're doing okay it's okay just breathe with me right now yeah that's good let's just do this for a while so you know this is a I'm thinking you've got a lot of words for a 19-month-old might be more like a 2 and a half year old probably yeah I

22:55 was very verbal at 19 months old but you know even if it's a younger child the idea is let's breathe let's settle down look at me I want you to know I'm with you now I'm for you I'm loving you I'm going to I'm going to say words though that make you understand as my 19-month-old what happened wasn't okay and we're going to we're going to deal with that maybe later we're going to do something about that but you're not you

23:18 can't bring that in right now you're too upset you're too hurt you just wanted to go down the slide what does empathy look like what does love look like what does caring look like and what does it look like to pave the way for you to make recommends make things right at some point out there with this other child so good I have a few questions so first of all if I'm on the playground with my

23:37 kids where is the place for me to go straight to the child that my child hit should I have gone there maybe first and said are you okay yeah it's so hard to know how how how hard was the hit was it was it a hit that really hurt or was it a hit that aggravated or you know so I'm I didn't make up any of those details in my brain I really was how quick was the

23:56 other parent so if the other parent went then maybe I wouldn't be as concerned but I may want to set an example right away of you know my child come here be with me now let's take care of this child no I know you're upset but we're going to take care of this child how are you where's your mommy where's your daddy what's it like to be you so I'm immediately setting this little mini example to my own child

24:17 of caring for the other person highly appropriate and highly reasonable you know especially if that child is really hurt MH for sure mhm y okay and then what I really noticed it just so came through this role play was just really how you had such a settled heart you were just settled and you took time in it yeah you know I feel like so many times as parents we just rush we got to oh say sorry or we got to

24:44 you know fix it right away and it was like I I have time right here with you let's just take the time that you need to calm down and I thought I loved the breathing we do a lot of breathing I thought there might be a child that just needs to start doing a walking lap around the playground maybe or any number of ways to calm in that moment yeah and I mean I think the strategies

25:05 to get there are again am I expecting bad things are going to happen at some point and am I thinking through what my Readiness is going to be how have I prayerfully prepared how am I learning to welcome God's presence into the midst of my craziness you know and to defer my anxiety about stuff like this when it happens so Philippians 4 about the other parent yep so Philippians four kinds of stuff be anxious in nothing but in

25:31 everything with prayer Thanksgiving supplication make my request known to God and the peace of God that transcends understanding will guard my heart and mind well what do I need to do to be prepared in a time like this to bring that peace that surpasses understanding as an example to the other parent as an example to the victim as an example to my child and as a reinforcer to me that God is present and yeah you know not

25:54 freaked out by this and I don't need to be either yeah yeah yeah I love that I'm just going to say parents you and me it's hard in the moment if feel you know the child's screaming you're in public like that's hard but we can work together for sure and the examples that Lynn and I set and I think this Bear's saying didn't just come to us out of the blue we've rehearsed this we've done role plays like this we did these things

26:17 in real life with our kids but when we talked as young parents about what we're going to do when things like this happen we always talked about how are we going to be the parents we want to be M when this stuff happens how am I going to bring these messages to the when stuff like this happens right and you talked about expecting it to happen there's two different ways that parents expect things to happen one is when it happens

26:41 it's like oh here we go again I knew it she always hits at the playground versus oh okay I'm ready for this I'm prepared Lord help me and it's very different and it takes practice it takes thought it takes you know thinking about and thinking through this stuff before it happens yeah I like it so then in regards to this being an 18-month-old child the other thing that I really noticed that was that it was very simple

27:07 language and like not complicated you know sentences and you said the same sort of sentences over and over again sometimes you know repeat you repeated them yeah yeah and that's really about a me anchoring in what what's the most important thing for my child to hear so that they know I'm for them I love them they're capable and they're ultimately going to be responsible for what you know for making things right okay so let's just tie up this little role play

27:36 and then we're going to try to move into the 5-year-old one but I know there's a parent that's asking yeah but now what like okay my child is you know calmed down and is safe but they haven't made right what they made wrong yet and they're 18 months old and I know the framework and I know that's part of it y y so now what and you said something about let's go down the slide and then

27:56 go over to the little person that was hit sure I would probably reverse that and say let's get calm and then let's go talk to your friend that's hurt and then we can go down the slide yeah and that's just a little bit of a you know delay of gratification until we've made right CU that's our first most important priority is making right what's what was made wrong and would you force or ask the child to say they're sorry what would

28:21 you say with that Lynn I might just go oh how will we fix it she's really sad she got Hur hurt how should we fix it mhm do you want to hug do you want to share us your snack how can we fix it yeah like it I like it so anything anything like that for an 18mon old the 18-month-old when you ask how do you want to fix it is most likely to shrug right so you give options you want to

28:46 give them do would you like to give them one of your snacks or would you like to hold their hand and let them go down the slide first that's good yeah would you like to say you're sorry or do you feel sorry would you like to say sorry yeah that's good let's do the role play again maybe in quicker speed a little bit like I'm thinking like no the older kids word but you more complicated it gets it's

29:09 true it does so it's a little yeah but I just want I want everyone to hear you know what that conversation sounds like with a five-year old y so you can maybe skip some of the details cuz we have the scenario now y so the scenario is there same thing on the bench Lenny hits and I say oh oh oh he pushed me down he wouldn't let me go on the slide oh oh Lenny re I'm going to get down on your

29:34 level I'm down on my KN he pushed me he wouldn't let me go on the slide what let's hear what he has to say hon let's hear what he has to say how is it like to be you little buddy he's mad his mom is there he's crying he runs away mhh okay so I yeah you feel mad don't you yeah mad and how does he feel right now I don't know you don't know what do you

29:56 think he's I think he he's sad yeah but you hit him yeah he pushed me you were so upset that you hit him he pushed me wouldn't let me go on the slide you felt bad about that that was really hard wasn't it yeah is it okay to hit no well how do you feel about hitting I'm mad oh are you mad at you or mad at the boy or both he pushed me uhhuh so are you mad

30:20 at you or are you mad at the boy or both maybe both maybe the boy yeah so maybe both maybe the boy so you're a little bit mad at you and you're a little bit mad at the boy or a lot of mad at the boy yeah yeah come here let's breathe I understand sometimes I get mad too come here let's breathe together let's look over there at that boy with his Mommy how's he feeling now he's not

30:41 crying it's loud M what you did wasn't okay right no he pushed me I know but so do you think it was okay to hit no you're right it's not okay to hit how do you want to fix that I don't know hard isn't it let's just breathe a little bit more do you want to go over and do you feel sorry maybe do you want to go tell him and then do you want to give bring a

31:10 snack tell him you're sorry or do you want to wait for a little bit wait okay let's wait for a little bit you wait on my lap no more playing until you're ready to settle down and go fix this make things right okay mhm yeah I've seen you fix things before I know you can do this it's hard though isn't it when somebody when you feel mad yeah yeah you ready yet yeah okay let's go so

31:35 good so good what I heard is that there was a lot more conversation around how are you going to make it right yeah how are you to make it right well and a 5-year-old maybe too upset at the moment but is fully capable as he or she settles down of starting to do the thinking about this that that I think is so important for kids to learn to do for themselves so that Mom and Dad aren't

31:57 always the ones forc the matter mhm it was so different right than the threats that you hear you're not going to get your snack you have to sit that's not okay you know all of those things right it's just so different than that like come sit you can sit next to me until you're ready and it's really the difference between taking a role of Judge where I need to make sure that Justice is done here because there's

32:19 been a crime committed and taking the role of a coach of how can I help my child settle down figure out what went on in them enough that then they care about what was going on in someone else and desire to make it right oh it's so good and that's the same if it's an 18-month-old or if it's a 5-year-old or if it's an eight or 15 yep or even actually with myself right when I need

32:47 to make things right myself I need to take the time to calm all of those things this was really good I know our listeners love the role plays and and so thanks for doing those with us today it's fun to do them I know it's there's a lot I mean we we simplify it we keep it short but it's all anchored in a very simple framework that you learn on this course yeah so I hope people join us for

33:12 the course thanks Stacy you're welcome good to be with you today are you enjoying our podcasts please rate and review so others can find us more easily and don't forget to subscribe so you don't miss a single episode all the information about the discipline that connects with your child's heart online course is found through a link in our show notes and at Connected families.org the course runs two times a year and is starting in the next few weeks registration is open

33:43 sign up today next week we have a special recording on marriage for you we'll see you then for more information on connected families go to connected families.org [Music]