THE BIGGEST POSITIVE DISCIPLINE MISTAKE PARENTS OFTEN MAKE (And What to Do Instead)!

0:00 the biggest mistake that you are making but probably don't even realize it is pretending that your boundaries and your parenting decisions have all to do with your kids what's best for them right what's the most logical or responsible thing to do when in reality if we're keeping it real a lot of the times our parenting decisions and our choices are based on our emotions and what we need and what we feel most comfortable

0:31 with or even what's most socially acceptable if we're keeping it a hundred right um and i know it's tempting to fall into the trap of reasoning that our boundaries have more to do with our kid right and what they need to be doing um and what's best for them and what they're not doing right and it's a habit that we can fall into and often not realize it and if we're being real right if we take a step back and reflect

0:59 a lot of the times we'll find that a lot of our parenting decisions a lot of our boundaries have more to do with us than our kids and it's nothing to be ashamed of right we are human right we are not robots in this relationship right we have our own emotions we have our own preferences and needs um and things that we're considering that are going on in the environment simultaneously and i think that if we

1:24 are honest with our kids about this it's actually going to empower them to do the same to set boundaries um clear boundaries with others and it's also going to lead to more connection with our kids right because now they feel like oh okay my mom my dad my caregiver whoever they're being honest with me they're telling me exactly where they're coming from and why so in this episode i'm gonna talk about okay well how do we do that how do we set

1:50 boundaries in a way that is more honest when it has more to do with us and not them and we just need to get them to understand that and respect our boundaries and i'm gonna go on a little bit of a rant because a common question that i get when i talk about this is well dr jasmine if i'm honest about my feelings aren't i'm going to be raising a people pleaser right i don't want my child to

2:11 feel responsible for my feelings or try to take care of me i don't want that dynamic and that is such a good question because we definitely don't want that dynamic but i'm gonna go on a little bit of a rant and talk about why this approach actually empowers our kids and leads to better connection between parents and kids um rather than raising people pleasers so without further ado let's just dive in hi hello and welcome back to my channel

2:38 if you are new here i am dr jasmine i'm a mom of two with one on the way and i'm also a clinical psychologist around here we love to talk about all things positive parenting whether that's positive discipline potty training tantrums aggression sibling rivalry and all of the other fun stuff that comes with parenting little ones so if you are new around here consider hitting that subscribe button i'd love to have you join the family and if you are watching

3:04 on podcast i see you thank you so much for tuning in every week and leaving a review that really does help support my channel so let's just dive in um before we do though i just want to give you a free gift because i don't want you to miss it i just created this free discipline guide called age-appropriate discipline for toddlers and preschoolers because one of the most common questions i get is about how do we know as parents if

3:29 our discipline approach is appropriate based on your child's age and their developmental level so i break down in the guide three important components to positive discipline as well as a bunch of examples based on your child's age that might work for you so all you have to do to access the guide is go to the mompsychologist.com forward slash free dash guide to snag your free guide all right let's dive in so like i was saying earlier i often find that when i'm

4:00 honest with my kids i'm just going to speak personally for a second when i'm honest with my kids about how i'm feeling and what i need and where i'm coming from right in the context of a boundary with them i find that it leads to greater cooperation okay it actually leads to them actually understanding where i'm coming from and actually wanting to cooperate because they understand on a much deeper level right it's not about them and what they're doing wrong it's

4:29 more about me and what i need right and what's going on in this whole context it also leads to me feeling better because i feel like i'm being honest with them i'm being upfront i'm being transparent and i'm not just blaming my boundaries on them right oh well you just need to do this differently because i said so right and this is all about you and what you're doing wrong right i as the parent feel better because i'm not blaming them

4:54 i'm actually being honest with what i need or what i want or what i prefer or what's just gonna work better if i'm being real right um also it gives them permission to be honest as well so if we think about it when we're setting boundaries with our kids we are teaching them how to be in relationship with other people right our kids are gonna learn how to set boundaries by watching us set boundaries with them

5:24 and with other people right and so if we remember that it makes so much sense why we need to be intentional about the ways in which we set boundaries and try to be as honest and transparent as possible but how do you do this right because there's an art and a little bit of a science to this right so how do we do this how do we approach this how do we set boundaries in honest ways so that we get

5:50 better cooperation better understanding and better connection with our kids and in ways that honor what we need while not making our kids feel bad about themselves right or again making them feel like they now have to take care of us because we don't want that dynamic at all so here's how you want to be honest but you want to keep it brief as well right there brief is better so you don't want to go on and on and on and on about how you're

6:15 feeling and start venting to your kids right so you want to be honest but you want to keep it brief and you want to focus most of what you're saying on the solution right what do you need right what is the boundary and get to the point so you're honest but you're focused more on the solution rather than the problem that is very very important right what do you need how can they change their behavior in a work in a way

6:40 that works for everyone or when can they get their need met oftentimes you know our kids are asking us for the stuff and we're like oh my god we can't do that right now right that's very inconvenient for me it's not gonna work so then well when can they get that need met right a lot of the times it's about setting concrete plans right not fluffy plans like okay later right actually when is it tomorrow is it after dinner is it

7:08 after play time is it next week do we need to set you know mark it on the calendar right when is the plan and being very concrete with them um can go a long way so instead of saying things like keep it down you're being too loud right it's the noise is hurting my ears this isn't really getting too much and i can't think clearly right you can either be qui play quietly at home in the house

7:34 or you know if it makes sense you can go outside or you please go to your room and bang those drums right whatever it is so you're focused more on the solution but you're also sharing hey this noise is making my head hurt right it's hard for me to think clearly it's just too much for me right now i'm getting overwhelmed and then you focus on the solution right which is the boundary and you give them

7:57 a choice right either you can play quietly or you can go to another place for example i'm just using this one example so this won't work in every context but i hope that makes sense right it's instead of just keep it down you're being too loud right what's wrong with you you know you shouldn't do this in the house to okay this is how i'm feeling and this is the boundary and the these are your choices or here's another one

8:21 okay along those same lines asking you know what is wrong with you why are you not listening right okay that's very focused on the child and what they're doing wrong i want you to try and say things like i'm getting frustrated i'm getting frustrated i'm feeling angry because i feel like we're not working as a team right you want x and i want y and i'm looking at this objectively but i'm also getting very frustrated inside let

8:48 me take a step back and think about how we can turn this around do you have any ideas you're being honest about where you're coming from how you're feeling you're trying to think objectively about this and you're also coming from a like i want to work as a team and i think i need to troubleshoot this a little bit more i think i need to take a step back and think about this and hey let me know

9:08 if you got some ideas because i would really love your help in this um it's just a great way to just stop think out loud and let your child know where you're coming from or instead of saying no no no it's not you know a good time right now right we got to do x y and z right it's not a good time right now you know it's time for bed or whatever it is right you know we got to get ready for

9:29 school uh whatever it is right instead of coming out from that angle be like you know i'm tired right and i'm not feeling up to uh playing this anymore or i'm only feeling up to playing one more round of let's say candyland they're asking you to play candyland or whatever it is they're asking you to play um just letting them know i'm tired i'm not feeling up to it right now but hey let's make a plan to play this tomorrow

9:53 when i'm fresh when i feel a little bit better thank you so much for understanding or you know i'm feeling i'm feeling anxious and i'm feeling overwhelmed because i understand you want to play and you want to keep playing but we've got to get to school and i've got to get to work and i'm getting overwhelmed let's make a plan to play this right after school i would love to play that with you and then you know thank them for

10:18 understanding even if they are having a hard time just really coming from that energy of thank you so much for understanding where i'm coming from so you see there i sprinkled in a little bit of a pro tip but whenever you have to turn your child down i love to make a plan instead right because nobody likes to constantly feel like they're being turned down they hearing no all the time right so if it's you know your child is

10:43 asking for more screen time or more play time with you or more dessert whatever they're kind of asking for try to redirect their request and make a plan instead so let's say they're they're asking you for more dessert or they want more time in the bath just let them know like i understand where you're coming from i know this is so fun or this dessert is so yummy and delicious let's make a plan to have more tomorrow um it can be a

11:09 just a really good way to honor what they're asking you for honor their need or their want and then make a concrete plan and just be sure to meet that need when you said that you would so that they come to trust in your word and it's okay if they get upset they don't like that right they want it now they don't want it later it's okay for them to share those feelings with us and we just make the plan and stick with

11:33 that boundary um can be just a really great way to uh honor what they need and uh redirect the behavior and set a very clear boundary now let's say it's a little bit farther in the future it's not tomorrow it's not later in the day it's a couple days from now or next week you do want to give children a visual representation of when that is so you know get your calendar out have them mark the date of uh when they're gonna

12:02 get whatever it is with a sticker or draw in uh something on that in that box and let them know okay today is this day and this is when you're gonna get it and let's every day mark the boxes off of when we can expect whatever it is um because kids don't have a good concept of time and if it's too far in the future they're gonna be like that's forever that's basically not happening so you want to let them know in a

12:26 concrete visual way when to expect whatever it is that they're requesting or asking for because in general going back to boundaries right this is all about setting boundaries boundaries are a crucial part of any healthy relationship right relationships thrive when there's a good dose of connection and love and intimacy and also boundaries right we can't have one without the other a form of love is boundaries and it's such an important part of any healthy relationship and

12:58 like i said our kids are learning from us what it looks like to have a healthy boundary with somebody right and so when we model that for them we are teaching them in the moment and so when we can confidently assert our boundaries be honest about our feelings and our needs we are teaching them to do the same with others whether that's with us with their siblings with their peers whoever it is right we are teaching them and

13:23 empowering them on how to set healthy boundaries with others and so a lot of people ask you know well if i'm honest with my kids aren't i raising a people pleaser right aren't i letting them know that they need to you know be responsible for me and i would say no as long as you're doing it in an intentional way right because when we are dysregulated and we are able to label our emotions and clearly state how we're going to

13:53 take care of ourselves that's the key part here it's not enough just to label our emotions and leave it at that we have to also explicitly let our child know okay well what are we doing to take care of our bodies what are we doing to bring ourselves back down to baseline and we model that for them in real time well then guess what they're learning they're learning how to do that for themselves right and also when we do

14:15 this in the moment we're helping ourselves regulate right instead of showing them that oh when we're overwhelmed we lash out we say things we don't mean we yell we dish our punishments instead of doing all that we actually are honest about how we're feeling and then we take it upon ourselves and we are responsible for our feelings and we regulate our emotions and i show you what that looks like in real time then they're learning a powerful lesson but the key here

14:42 though is to show them how you're taking care of them because you don't want them to feel like oh i've got to take care of my mom or my dad they're just so upset at me or they're just so upset in general this is all my fault because remember kids are very egocentric and a common thing they come to believe is that if there's something that goes wrong in the family commonly kids will blame themselves because they are so

15:05 self-focused oh mom did that because i messed up i'm wrong oh my parents divorced because i'm a bad kid and i messed up that one time so you don't want them to to blame themselves for your feelings or what happens in the family so you always want to be explicit that yes i am frustrated but i am responsible for my feelings and i'm responsible for taking care of my feelings and you know taking care of my

15:31 body and this is how i'm gonna do it the other thing is that people pleasers are raised when our love is conditional right when we say oh you have to do this you have to be like this why aren't you more like her um when we send those messages of our love is based on the type of person that you are the type of choices that you make um that is a very different message right now being honest with our feelings

16:03 and setting boundaries versus blaming them for why the boundary is in is there in the first place actually does the opposite right because now they're not thinking oh there's something wrong with them they're thinking oh i get it mom is having this emotion or this is the context this is the environment at play these are this is what's happening and this is why there is a boundary right it's not because of me and i'm just being too loud and i'm just a bad

16:34 kid it's because of x y and z then they're coming to understand the context they're un being able to pick up on social cues and what's appropriate they're they're able to understand other people's emotions including our own and they're not internalizing that right so that actually does the opposite it makes it about us and not about them and by doing this we're showing that we can identify and meet our own needs so that they don't have to right this is not

17:03 about pleasing me this is not about making me happy i just need you to know where i'm coming from and then i'm going to focus on the solution i'm going to focus on taking care of myself and i'm going to focus on giving a very clear boundary so that you know what the expectations are this actually increases trust in the relationship this actually increases safety in the relationship right rather than raising people pleasers but again there's an art and a science to this

17:30 okay so make sure that you are you know including the other appropriate things and just at the end of the day remember parenting is all about being in a relationship with our child and that our relationship with our child is our number one parenting tool and when we come from that place um everything else kind of falls in line everything else kind of makes sense now i did create a free guide for you because i know

17:56 a lot of the times it's like okay well what do i do if and when they don't cooperate right what if i do when there's power struggles what what are my options here so i did create a free guide that goes over age-appropriate discipline for infants toddlers and preschoolers to give you kind of a little bit of a road map some ideas of where to start based on your child's age i also break down three essential components of positive

18:22 discipline so to grab your free guide go to thempsychologist.com forward slash free dash guide if you're watching on youtube all the links will be in the description in the comment section and again thank you so much for rocking with me subscribing sticking around comment down below if you're watching on youtube if you have any other questions about discipline discipline really is my jam it's my happy place i love to talk about discipline especially positive discipline so let me

18:52 know if you have any other questions related to this topic so that i can continue to make more resources that are helpful for you and thanks so much if you're listening on the podcast i see y'all thank you so much for leaving a kind review and letting me know how this content how my information and my work is impacting you and your family that is it for this episode i will see you in the next one bye