Stuck in a Not-Listening Cycle? Try This

0:00 How many times have I told you not to hit your sister? How many times have I told you to pick up your towel from the floor after you take a shower? Okay, let's write down this phrase that we all use. How many times have I told you? And I'm going to show you how to replace it with something much more effective. Okay, let's come back to ourselves as adults. How many times has someone told us not to scroll on our phone before we go to bed? And how many times has someone told us that yelling at your partner is not an effective way to communicate? And yet, we all do these things sometimes. So, what that tells me is that it's not a matter of needing to be reminded. It's a matter of not having access to the skills we need in the moment to engage in a more productive behavior. Let's bring this back to our kids. If your kid is hitting, they don't need to be reminded not to hit. They need actually a new skill to manage anger or disappointment or jealousy so that feeling doesn't explode out of their body as a hit. If your kid never picks up their towel, they don't need to be lectured about it. They probably need a conversation with you. That sounds like, hey, it's hard to remember to pick up your towel. I wonder what you could do in your room. I wonder if there's a note you could write yourself, something you could put up on the wall. So, you see it and it's a way of remembering. We need to replace the phrase, "How many times have I told you with the curiosity of what skill does my kid need to develop to change this behavior?" and then show up to help our kid develop and practice that skill.